SportsNation

Welcome to SportsNation - I'm your host for the evening, Patsy Brooks. Thank you for joining us for this special edition post-Super Bowl broadcast. With me, I have three very special guests, starting quarterback for the New York Nailers, Colt Stackford, Ethan Blake, defensive end, and Julianna Heaton, the team owner.

Guys, welcome to the show.

Julianna: Thank you for having us.

Patsy: So, you guys must be flying now. What was it? Only several weeks ago you were getting smashed to bits by the media, and now, you're Super Bowl champions.

Colt: I mean, come on, how could you believe anything differently? We're the fucking Nailers.

Ethan: Colt, you can't swear on television. Jesus, they're going to get a fine.

Patsy: It's okay, Ethan, we've taken out special insurance before the three of you got here against any possible FCC fines...we've learned our lesson.

Julianna: I can never take them anywhere nice! They end up breaking everything.

Patsy (laughing): That's what you get when you fall in love with two men, darling. And both men happen to be in peak physical condition.

Colt: I think she wants in on the action, babe.

Julianna (smiling): Maybe in a bonus chapter, hon. Not right now on national television. I think we've all been a bit over-exposed.

Patsy: So speaking of which, Ethan, Colt, tell us a bit about your win? What was going through your heads?

Ethan (deep sigh, in serious thought): Well, we definitely went in with a chip on our shoulders, as you know. But it was actually something really great. After the press conference that we had where we sacked AJ, it was as if a renewed vitality had gone through the team. We clicked instantly. Coach Karl has been great - he's sort of emerged as this wise father figure to us and we were able to execute his strategies to maximum advantage. And quite honestly, once we had gotten rid of the demons that had been plaguing us; even those that were there before Colt and I joined the Nailers; we were pretty much unstoppable.

Colt: Fuck, yeah! What that douchebag Ethan said. Except he forgets my game-winning 90-yard touchdown pass...

Ethan: It's kind of easy to forget, Colt. That's because it happened in the second quarter.

Patsy (laughing): So Julianna, tell us what your next plans are. You're definitely an inspiration to all women everywhere. You've conquered the NFL. You've gotten a championship ring. There's even talk in some circles of you becoming Commissioner.

Julianna (smiling): Well, Commissioner certainly would be interesting, but I really want to build up the franchise first before I think of anything else. My father coached this team his entire life and slowly built it up to what it is today. And Coach Karl has been a tremendous steward and I want to continue working with him. We had our bumps at first. But I've really come to rely on his guidance and counsel. I want to make sure that the changes and ideas he has gets implemented.

Patsy: Any clue as to what they may be?

Julianna: He's had this marvelous idea for a new passing game that could potentially revolutionize the way football is played for years to come. Similar to the West Coast offense. I want to try implementing it next season and see how it does against the other teams.

Patsy: And other teams are definitely looking to see what the Nailers are doing. There's talk of people trying to copy your success.

Colt: And why wouldn't they? Less than three fucking months ago we were getting ass-fucked by the press, losing a game by huge fucking numbers. I think we lost to the LA Lickers by like 21 points. But then look at us now? We fucking turned shit around and won the Super Bowl.

Ethan: I don't think any level of insurance you have is going to protect your network from Colt...

Patsy (laughing): I think America can make an exception for its favorite family. And you guys are a family unit now?

Julianna (smiling): That's right. We're all three of us co-habitating together as of tomorrow in a new apartment at the Dakota.

Patsy: Congratulations.

Ethan: Thanks. It's going to be a learning experience. None of us have lived together with another person ever.

Julianna (taking Colt and Ethan by the hands): But we love each other. So we're not worried at all.

Colt: Plus, if any of us piss each other off, we can just fuck it out.

Patsy (wincing): Thanks, Colt, I think. And how has this relationship changed your off-field fan base for you and Ethan? I imagine not as many groupies and fans coming up to you now?

Ethan: Actually, if you can believe this, it's gotten a lot more intense. People camp out now to get spots to see us practice. They try touching us wherever we go just to be able to say they felt us. Our fans are very generous with their good wishes and honestly, it's really moving. Remember, I've never been someone who interacted with fans as much as, say, Colt...

Patsy: Interacting being a euphemism I take it.

Colt: Let's just get down to the real word, yeah? I fucked any woman that wanted a piece of me.

Ethan: As I was saying, I haven't partaken in as much as Colt, but the genuine love and affection of the fans for the three of us is overwhelming at times.

Colt: But our cocks belong to Julianna now.

Ethan: And we wouldn't have it any other way.

Patsy (smiling to Julianna): Seems like you have a life that only the ladies of America could dream of.

Julianna (smiling): I'm lucky. I have two men that I love. And they love me. Every day is a new day to me.

Patsy: Seems like you three will be very happy together.

Colt: Four, right?

Patsy(confused): I don't understand.

Ethan: Jesus Christ, can't you keep your mouth shut, Colt, for one thing? One secret?

Julianna (laughing): It's okay. Really. Well, Patsy, I guess you heard it here. The three of us are very happy together, but we're soon to be expecting a fourth. A little guy or girl for us to take care of.

Patsy: Oh my God! Congratulations!

Julianna: Thank you!

Ethan: Thank you!

Patsy: Who's the father?

Julianna: We decided we didn't want to know. We're going to love him or her just as much.

Colt: But we know it's really probably me. I mean, I'm a potent force in the reproductive field. My little guys destroy Ethan's any day of the week....

Ethan (laughing: As Julianna was saying, we decided we don't want to know. We don't think it's important.

Colt: Because in the end, we love each other.

The three hold hands and smile in genuine affection to each other, their gazes lingering on Julianna.

Patsy: Well, I wish you all the best and congratulations once again. Thank you for being on and we'll see you next season.

Coming up, stay tuned for our highlights of this season as well as our predictions on the New York Nailers new passing game. Also, we discuss draft picks. Who will the Toronto Trannies pick as their first round choice? Stay tuned.

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