Chapter 6

Tessa

 

 

I was absolutely beat. I knew Tuesdays were going to be long, but I hadn’t been fully prepared for how exhausting it would be. This was only the first week, and I doubted my ability to keep up with the heavy class load. It had looked okay on paper, but after starting, it seemed a totally different story.

Pulling my phone out of my pack, I saw that Maria had texted me three times. My last class had gone long. I had a feeling that was going to be the norm. My Tuesdays were going to be two-a-day coffees. I would have to skip a coffee during the week to afford the extra five bucks. It would be worth it.

I decided to call instead of text so I could juggle everything. Talk to text always ended badly.

“Hi, I’m so sorry,” I said when Maria answered. “Class went long.”

“I thought you were standing me up.”

“No, I’m headed home now. Are you there?” I asked.

I could hear Maria chewing. “No, I’m already at Rico’s.”

I groaned. “You’re eating chips and salsa, aren’t you?”

Maria laughed. “Yep. I was too hungry to wait for you. Hurry up. I have a table on the patio.”

“I’m coming,” I told her, tossing my backpack into the car. “Give me fifteen minutes and don’t eat all the chips!” I scolded.

I made it home in record time, stripping off my school outfit as I walked through the small house. I decided to keep it simple and pulled on a black sundress that had pretty pink flowers all over. It was light and airy and felt good after a long, humid day. I quickly dabbed on fresh lip gloss, a little mascara and called it good. I left my hair loose and down. A scan of the shoe rack in my room led me to pull out a pair of black sandals.

A last glance in the full-length mirror and I called the five-minute transformation good enough for a dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. As I walked back through the living room towards the door, I made a conscious decision to keep my eyes forward. I didn’t want to look over and see Talia’s face staring at me. I needed a night off from the sadness.

I whipped into the parking lot of the restaurant and quickly found Maria at our table on the patio, sipping a lime margarita. I looked at the empty seat with a margarita already waiting and smiled.

“Thank you!” I said, pulling out the chair and sitting down. “You have no idea how much I needed this.”

Maria smiled. “I bet. Sit down, relax. They’re going to bring out fresh chips and salsa in a minute.”

I nodded and took a long drink from the icy cold beverage. I let it slide down my throat, enjoying the instant refreshment. I was exhausted. The day had cooled off a great deal, and there was a slight breeze now.

“It’s nice out here,” I commented.

“Yes, it is. So, are the classes too much for you after all?”

“No, I’ll be fine; it’s just going to take some balancing, but it’ll work out,” I assured her.

Maria didn’t look convinced. “It wouldn’t be the end of the world if you did another semester, you know?”

I scoffed. “No way. I’m not going to stay in school a minute longer than I have to. I can do this. It will be hard, but it’ll be worth it.”

The waiter returned, bringing the chips and salsa. We thanked him and dug in. The spicy salsa was perfect with the stout drink.

I popped a loaded chip in my mouth and looked up.

“Oh my God,” I muttered around a mouthful of hot salsa.

“What? What’s wrong?” Maria said, looking back and forth.

“It’s my professor. I mean, the professor I’m working for,” I explained. “He’s inside. Small table in the far corner.”

Maria casually dropped her napkin, bent over to pick it up, and looked through the window. I laughed at her attempt to be inconspicuous.

“Wow. No wonder you want to work hard this year. He’s hot. How can you focus with that in front of you?”

I shrugged. “I guess if you like that sort of thing. I don’t know. I don’t think he’s hot. He is very, I don’t know, serious? Always serious and never smiling—unless he’s talking about the ocean. That seems to be his thing.”

Maria rolled her eyes. “What are you talking about? You aren’t fooling anyone. He’s hot, and you know it. Look at him! I can’t even see his eyes, but I know I would love them. What color are they?”

“Green.”

“Ha! I knew it. You know that because you’ve been looking,” she teased.

I shook my head, denying her accusation. “Whatever. I looked at him the three times we talked.”

Maria didn’t look convinced. “What color are the eyes of our waiter?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, but you talked to him, not even two minutes ago. You know the color of your man’s eyes because you know he’s hot,” she said, with an abundance of satisfaction.

“I guess,” I conceded. “Old is not my thing. I didn’t know you liked older men,” I joked.

“He’s not older. I love the gray in his hair. He looks debonair. There’s a Clooney, Pierce Brosnan thing going on there, but a much younger version. I think he’s hot and I would definitely do him if he was willing,” Maria said, completely nonchalant.

“No! What? You think?” I gasped, looking at him through the window. He was talking to another man sitting across from him at the small table.

“Tessa, really. Come on, admit it. I know you’re crushing on that guy,” Maria said with a smile.

I smiled. “He is attractive, I’ll give you that. He always looks so sad though, and I want to kiss it and make it better. Is that some female maternal instinct kicking in? Overactive hormones or something?”

Maria laughed. “Um, yeah, but not the kind you’re thinking of. You want to kiss it all right, but it isn’t for the reasons you are trying to tell yourself.”

Hearing my friend talk about the guy who had been monopolizing my thoughts these past few days felt odd. At least I knew I wasn’t completely crazy. There was a certain appeal about the tall, dark, and handsome professor, even if he was one of the most somber people I had ever met in my life. I stared through the window, and watched him take a long drink from his beer before setting it down and smiling at his friend. He looked so relaxed. I felt like I was watching an animal in its natural habitat.

“Oh crap,” I said, looking down at the table. “He saw me.” He had caught me staring at him. I wouldn’t be surprised if my mouth had been hanging open. If I could crawl under the table, I would.

“So, go say hi.”

“No! He’ll think I’m stalking him. He already busted me staring. No more looking at him,” I ordered, focusing on my drink and trying to ignore the handsome professor. He had seen me. Our eyes had met for a split second before I looked away. It was only slightly humiliating.

Maria kept the conversation going. We ate, drank, and chatted for hours on the small patio. It had been a long time since I had allowed myself to enjoy life. I didn’t completely forget about the pain that I knew would always be there, but it wasn’t the center of attention. It was a dull throb that I had accepted as a part of who I was. Acceptance made it possible for me to enjoy moments like these.

“You ready to head home?” Maria asked.

I nodded, looked at the empty glass in front of me and realized it was going to be an Uber night.

“I’ll drive,” Maria said, extending her hand, silently asking for my keys.

“Where’s your car?” I asked.

“I left it at work.”

I looked at her, studying her face. “You planned to get me drunk.”

Maria laughed. “I promise, I have no intentions of taking advantage of you, but yes, I wanted you to come out and kick your heels up a little. You can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy yourself.”

I smiled. “I had a lot of fun. Thank you for being so patient with me.”

I stood, handing my keys over. We walked out of the restaurant together. I looked at the table the professor had vacated a while ago and hoped he’d had a good time as well.

Maria pulled into the driveway of their small house. I sighed. It was time to tackle that homework I’d been putting off. I would be up late. The moment I stepped into the house, everything changed. Talia stared at me from her place on the mantle, and an overwhelming sense of guilt slammed into me. How dare I go out and have fun when my baby sister was dead?

“Don’t, Tessa,” Maria said quietly behind me. “You’re alive. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying yourself.”

I released a heavy sigh. “I know. I shouldn’t, but I do.”

Maria stepped in front of me. “You can’t change what happened. Talia wouldn’t want you to be miserable. She would walk in here and kick your ass if she knew what you’ve been putting yourself through.”

That pulled a small smile from my lips. “Yes, she would. Okay, I need to get busy, or I won’t sleep at all. Thanks again, Maria. It was fun, and I did enjoy myself.”

“Good. Now, leave it at that and don’t get caught up in a bunch of guilt. Life is good. Honor those that aren’t here by making the most of it. You have to live for them as much as yourself,” Maria said.

The words sank in. I knew she was right and I wanted to believe them, but sometimes, it was hard. Really hard. My mind drifted back to Professor Dunlap. How had he managed to get through the past four years? The grief he felt would be ten times what I was going through. It was then I realized that was one of the reasons I was drawn to him. He was strong. It was a quiet strength, but it was there, just below the surface.

I pulled out the quizzes for his class and quickly graded them before moving on to my other homework. It was after midnight before I finally got to crawl into bed. I laid there, staring at the dark ceiling, willing sleep to come. It wasn’t long before the tears started to fall. I was crying for my loss and for his.

After giving myself the needed release, I rolled to my side and fell asleep. Sleep was elusive. It wasn’t long before I woke myself up, sobbing. It was a regular occurrence. No matter how good I felt or how much I believed I was putting the worst of it behind me, there were these sneak attacks of profound sadness. They struck at night when I was all alone.

Sitting up in bed, I hugged my knees to my chest and rested my cheek on them. Would it ever get better? Did the professor still have nights like this? I had been told countless times that time would lessen the pain, but how much time? How long did I have to wait?

I mulled over the idea of talking to the professor about his own coping skills. Did he have some secret for moving on and pushing through? My mind drifted back to dinner tonight. I hadn’t been able to stop watching him. He seemed so—normal. Drinking beer, throwing his head back and laughing on occasion and talking, like really talking to another person. It was a side of him I hadn’t expected to see.

Watching him enjoy himself had made me happy. I liked it and wanted to see him like that again. Maria was right; he was a nine. Why I hadn’t seen it before was anybody’s guess, but he was hot. Thinking about the sexy professor helped push away the sadness. I was looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. It was a first time I’d actually been excited for a new day in a very long time.