After the court hearing I had a hundred conflicting feelings swimming in my head. Shock, denial, and disbelief were the ones that consistently repeated at the news we heard from the court. The day the emails arrived replayed over and over, in particular my reaction to the possibility of Noah’s relationship to Molly.

When the judge disclosed the results, I may have looked quiet and calm—I had no choice except to portray that exterior for Noah’s sake—but inside my head I had hundreds of unanswered questions: images of Shona at various stages of her pregnancy, at Molly’s birth, and over the years since. For years I had pressed her about who the father was and every time Shona had responded with, “What does it matter? He’d probably deny her anyway, and I don’t want her growing up feeling rejected.”

It was the one thing I remained angry with her about after she died. I should have been angry about the emails, but they were never intended for me to see, so who knew, she could lied to make her life sound more interesting to someone she obviously thought she’d never see again.

Her damning disclosure had almost wrecked Noah and I as a couple, but after the result from the test I had put her ambiguous emails to one side for the sake of Noah and the children. From that point onward not having a definitive answer to the question about her and Noah was something I’d learned to live with. It wasn’t like she was coming back… or that he’d remembered being with her if he had.

I wasn’t blind, I knew they had met from the picture her friend had shared with the world, but that was the only piece of evidence that was undeniable. If her friend was with her and Shona believed it was Noah’s then I had to entertain the possibility that they may have slept together.

I had to balance that information with the woman Shona was and if she had lied about Noah being Molly’s father then it was possible the whole emails about sleeping with him were a fabrication of her mind. Not to speak ill of my dead sister, but Shona had always been a fantasist, and she was fanatical about Noah. Whatever the truth was, sometimes not knowing was better.

* * *

Leaving Fr8Load was the best thing Noah could have done for his emotional health. From the moment he made the decision, I saw tension I never knew he had within him ebb away. In the early days of him quitting, I had huge concerns he’d taken a knee jerk reaction because of how the media had treated him.

It made me want to know how deeply rooted the issues went, so I went back and read about the man I was with and I poured over every article I could get my hands on. I concluded with absolute certainty the reporting around him had been written with a biased slant aimed at causing the maximum shock value to the reader.

Many argue that public figures have no right to privacy, that they court the attention of the press, and in the early part of his career that was certainly true of Noah. However, the media should have been responsible and reported information to the public about when he was on the clock instead of stalking him in his private life.

From everything I had read— the good and the bad, I believed the public had been sold a damaging version of Noah that most certainly wasn’t true of the man that I had come to love.

Having been on the receiving end of their malice a couple of times due to the stories they ran about us, I was surprised Noah was as balanced as he was. He put that down to the calming effect I had on him, but personally I thought he was very young when all the bad things happened and by the time he’d met me, he’d grown up. As soon as the media turned on me it made me understand how they twisted information and bent the truth just far enough to stop short of a lawsuit.

Like Noah, I had no respect for them after that. My dad used to say, “Don’t believe everything you read in the papers.” I had thought him a cynic when he told me that; however, since knowing Noah, I wished more people could have benefited from that advice.

Another saying I’d heard repeatedly was, “Never judge a book by its cover.” I had always thought myself as a fairly liberal, non-judgmental person, until I learned how a biased opinion based on the hearsay of others could impact so negatively someone’s life. I had judged Noah the same way as most before I knew who he really was.

Everyone knows that beast called rumor wasn’t an easy thing to tame. Even an eminent judge was swayed when Andrea was granted a restraining order to block Noah from seeing his son. It taught me how full of humility Noah was when he still managed to be cordial with her for the sake of his son. I’d never met someone as fair as Noah, he never harbored a tiny grudge toward his ex-girlfriend once Rudi was in his life… at least not outwardly from how he behaved. I was humbled by his approach.

Andrea wasn’t an easy person to communicate with as I found out when I answered the phone the first time Rudi was staying over at our place. If I said I hadn’t been a little concerned about Rudi joining us as part of the family for every other week it would have been untrue. Not because I didn’t want him with us… of course I did. I only wanted everyone to be happy.

My worries were borne from a lack of information from Andrea. Neither Noah nor I really knew his routines, and he appeared to be a very quiet little boy in comparison to Molly. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel overwhelmed and I didn’t want Molly to become attached and then pine on the weeks he was with his mom. Above all, I was concerned about all the changes Molly had already dealt with on top of the separation and loss of Shona.

Despite Andrea’s attempts to control all aspects of Rudi’s every waking moment during his first few visits, with constant calls to him with urgent questions that couldn’t wait; I’m pleased to say that Rudi integrated without a hitch. He and Molly clicked within minutes, and they were both very caring toward their brother George.

Rudi’s reservations at the beginning were quickly replaced with a newfound confidence when Molly offered praise and high-fives for every little achievement from remembering to wash his hands before dinner to much bigger achievements like when he scored a home run at softball.

The two older kids became inseparable, and I was pleased that Rudi made no fuss about returning for the weeks with his mom. Molly didn’t like it much, but she accepted it as a normal part of our routine. Even Andrea began to accept that Noah was good for Rudi, but I knew we’d never be friends because of the look of longing still there in her eyes. I never regarded her as a threat because Noah barely gave her eye contact. His ex would never be anything more than Rudi’s mother to Noah and as far as he was concerned the only reason they breathed the same air was because they shared a son.

Watching Rudi blossom under Noah’s fatherly guidance and Molly’s bossy ways had been one of the most rewarding parts of my journey in our family life and every day that passed I watched Noah’s love grow for of all our kids. He was a funny, compassionate, understanding, and fair father and he had the measure of each of our children’s strengths and weaknesses. He was a natural when it came to understanding what each of them needed.

Having found a balance in his life was everything to Noah and because of this he always ensured we had our special time as a couple as well. He never ceased to amaze me with his little romantic surprises when I least expected them. Funny and attentive were two of the sexiest traits I’d ever found in a man and Noah had the whole skill-set to make me feel like the luckiest woman alive. He kept me on my toes with his wicked, playful ways as well as curling them whenever we had the time.

One of the most important surprises was when Noah arranged a train ride for the kids. It was the sole topic of conversation for weeks after Rudi had asked several times if they could do it as a treat. After speaking to Phil and another brother David to make some covert arrangements, the birthday treat was set for Rudi for the following week.

Andrea tried to manipulate the situation by asking for Rudi for half of the day and Noah understood more than anyone how it felt not to see him on his birthday, so he compromised and told her Rudi would be home to spend the night with her from around 6:00 pm. As Noah said, a child should get to spend time with his father and his mother on his birthday… pity Noah’s insight had never occurred to Andrea to let Noah see his son.

The trip to the train station involved leaving home in the dead of night and I wasn’t happy that the kids routines were being disrupted because of Noah’s paranoia over the press. Goodness knows how I managed to keep my thoughts to myself when Rudi’s birthday treat involved pulling my sleeping children from their beds.

We set off for New York City at 3:00 am, with three tired, grumpy kids but their tetchy moods dispersed when we arrived at the train station and were met by a magnificent vintage Pullman train with all the guards in authentic uniforms from the Victorian period.

Rudi and Molly immediately hugged each other in a show of mutual excitement and Noah chuckled, looked at me, and wrinkled his nose in a tell of how their togetherness affected him. Walking toward the train, Kathleen took Molly and Rudi’s hands and Noah picked George up into his arms. The guard helped Kathleen lift the kids onto the train. Once on board, two young girls in period costume stood to escort the children down the long, carpeted corridor.

Surrounded by the luxurious wooden paneled interior and rich tapestry drapes, class oozed from every inch of the train carriage. Noah smiled warmly, looking delighted he’d got us all there in one piece and passed George to Kathleen. As they walked away from us, Noah pulled me back by my forearm and turned me to face him. When he took a step forward, I had to take a step in the other direction and my back hit the wall.

“Hold on, baby. I want to ask you something,” he said. He looked nervous, and I searched his face as I tried to figure out what was so important he’d allow the kids to walk on ahead without us?

“Yeah?” I said as my eyes searched for the kids who were almost out of sight.

“Don’t you think it’s time we got married? You’re the only one without my name in the family now.”

“Can we talk about this later, Noah? The kids have gone on ahead.”

“It’s okay, they’re being well taken care of,” he said and smiled as slid his hand around my waist and kissed me slowly.

“So?”

“Is this your way of wearing me down, Noah?”

“Only if it’s working,” he replied and snickered as he peppered kisses around my neck.

“Keep going, I’m thinking,” I teased as a broad smile spread on my lips with the thrill of his ministrations.

“Are you close?” he asked, sliding his hands to my butt as he pulled me closer.

“Mm-hm,” I replied as shivers ran down my spine and my core clenched with want.

“Is that a yes?” he probed.

“I’d be a fool to pass up a man who asked questions like this,” I whispered and grinned wider.

“So… that’s a yes?” He asked, pulling back as he regarded me with wide eyes.

“I’ve said yes, before… absolutely—”

Before I could say anything else he stepped back, grabbed my hand, and began running down the corridor of the train pulling me behind him as he shouted, “We’re on.”

He turned to look over his shoulder and chuckled again at the look of what must have been pure confusion on my face because I had no clue what the hell was happening.

Two carriages later we stood in the stateroom of the train surrounded by his brothers, their girls, and his parents. My eyes flitted around the room in a stunned confusion and then I saw his parent’s pastor who I’d met once at a family barbeque.

“You meant now?” I asked in an incredulous tone.

“Did you need someone else here?” he asked knowing there wasn’t anyone other than Mrs. Richie who was important to me. I glanced around again and noticed her sitting in the corner of the room nodding with a smile of delight on her face.

Glancing to the kids I saw Molly had changed into her Disney Belle dress from home and Rudi was dressed as Woody from Toy Story, then I looked down at myself dressed in the woolen pant suit I’d pulled on for a day crawling around on a train.

“There’s a bridal store shopper next door with an assortment of dresses in your size. Mom helped me with that, and there’s a beautician for hair and nails and—”

I got it—Noah wanted this to be completely private. It was partly my fault because I’d once joked when he pressed for us to get married during a date that he should just surprise me to make it happen—so he had.

Looking at Molly, Rudi, and George, I knew we had all that mattered; being married wasn’t about fancy dresses and immaculate hair, it was about the joining together of two people who wanted to share the rest of their lives together.

“No… I think I’m dressed perfectly for this… let’s do it,” I replied and smiled affectionately at my family.

Noah’s eyes widened, and he looked suddenly hesitant, “Yeah?”

“Yeah, I’m ready. I don’t need to put on a dress to make today the best one of my life. All I need is right here. The people who are important to us.”

It was sudden but entirely appropriate that Noah had managed to keep the most important day of our lives away from the press. Afterward he told me even the staff of the train and the bridal shop people had no idea who they were attending that day. Everyone had to leave their mobile phones in special boxes before boarding the train to ensure nothing was leaked about our event.

I surprised everyone when I cried as Noah read me his vows and I was so choked the only sentence I croaked out was, “Everything you said, and I love you more every day,” then I sobbed into his arms. I had wanted to marry Noah from the moment he asked me, it was only that on every occasion he’d suggested it I felt the timing was off.

To me, the stability for the children and Noah’s recovery came first, but when the opportunity presented itself it didn’t matter to me where we were or the fact I wasn’t in some fancy assed dress. It was knowing the lengths that Noah had gone to, to ensure our day was about us, and how determined he was to make me his that were the most important factors of the day.

Besides, wedding dresses were two-a-penny, but how many brides would be able to say they got married in a black woolen momsy-looking suit attended by Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and Woody from Toy Story?

When I thought back to my darkest day when I saw Noah on the plane, I felt ashamed at how I regarded him then, because my feelings were borne out of ignorance, hatred, grief, pain, and his maligned reputation. Recalling how I felt without knowing all the facts made me as guilty as the media who demonized him. It was amazing how far we had come together.

I believed wholeheartedly Noah did what he had to do to give himself space to breathe, space to recover from the hurt that almost destroyed him, and he took the only decision he could that would enable him to live his life free from those who were ever ready to use hearsay and fabrication to tear him down.

There’s a truth to what they say, “The bigger they are the harder they fall,” because Noah’s management used the power of the press to build him up as one of the biggest, most prominent hellraising rock stars on the scene at that time, and the very same people that made him almost destroyed him.

I guess what they never figured on was Noah’s sense of self, that inner voice that told him enough was enough, and led to him ultimately shocking them by quitting as an impact of all their stalking and lies. From rock star to rock bottom, Noah’s journey took his drive, his desire to perform live music, and most importantly to his fans—his talent—away from the public eye.

Fortunately, through the support of the people who loved him, Noah found happiness in a quieter life and a way of taking control of his own future. Due to his true talent he was able to resurrect his passion for music in a way that he could create and share it with the world without being constantly targeted as a sensational front-page splash.

His experience taught me to look twice when we, as the public, were given a glimpse into the celebrity world of a rock star because I knew firsthand we’re often fed the most sensational titbits syphoned out of a much bigger picture and twisted to fit a particular trend the journalist wants us to accept as truths.

They usually covered the excesses of extravagant wealthy lifestyles, the salacious parts of a sexual relationship, or other sensational stories that shifted tabloids and magazines off shelves and newsstands, created material for TV shows, and trended further on social media.

What we miss is the rest of that story or how the subject of the story has been manipulated or mistreated—they never show the unhealthy lifestyles those bands endured, such as the sleepless nights, long distance flights, pack up meals, vitamin injections or sometimes worse, just to keep them on their feet to perform their roles. I’d considered how that would have felt if I went to sleep in one country and woke up in another every few days… and was still expected to look and feel my best.

After witnessing the muted shift in attitude of the journalists from the moment when Noah told them he wasn’t Molly’s biological father, it demonstrated their unwillingness to accept responsibility for the story they had wrongly reported because instead of a page one retraction to follow up the next day there was only a tiny boxed withdrawal apology to Noah on the lower left-hand corner on page thirteen. It would have been missed had I not looked for it.

No one challenged the lies of a dead girl or her friend who had brought the whole sorry story to the world. And I would always hold some anger in my heart toward Shona for refusing to tell me who Molly’s father was.

For years Noah was newsworthy, and his management left them to run with it. Noah said if he could go back to before he was in the band he’d have turned out differently. Then again, perhaps he was as great as he was after what had happened to him.

No one knows what the future holds. We don’t have a crystal ball, but I do know one thing for sure, Noah will never trust a journalist so long as he lives after the agonizing personal pain some of them put him through. Not one of them recognized Noah’s vulnerability as a young impressionable man during those years.

It took the death of my sister and the malicious lies that followed before Noah’s tolerance limits were reached and he took a stand against them in the most dramatic of ways. Since then he had challenged every article and won each one like some small battle in the war he’d waged against them.

Music is still important to him and he’s fortunate to have found his new niche, but he told me that even if his new career died a death tomorrow, it’s me and his children that matter the most to him. The only grey cloud that hangs there for him is how Molly’s happiness could be tainted when the question arises as to who her biological father is, and she reads the reports of what happened around her mom.

My reply when he said this was, “You’re her dad, Noah. The only one she’s ever known. Anyone can become a biological father in minutes, but to Molly, her dad will always be the loving man she knows would give his heart to make hers happy.

By that time Noah will be the man who has guided and protected her, the one who took the time to teach her, praise her, and one who has built a lifetime of memories in her mind. You’ll be able to tell Molly the truth; that you were ready to accept her as your child whether or not she shared your blood and how the DNA test affected you when it came back.”

Noah has insisted that working with Molly as she grows, will help minimize any negative impact for her in the future. In my view this the mark of a man who will go to any lengths to protect and preserve her happiness. In a way I’m happy there is no competition to challenge Noah’s position because biologically connected or not, it’s already plain to see, Noah will always be the father she adores.