All I heard in my head on repeat were the words, Restraining order is revoked. Everything else washed over me until Lester explained the rest afterward, "You will begin a three-month supervision period which will allow Rudi Haxby time to adjust to the new relationship."

The judge said if this is completed successfully we would reconvene and he’d discuss any future shared custody between Andrea and me. I figured she’d be ferocious in trying to block the decision, but Lester assured me she had to comply.

The second part of what he said had made my heart sink because he said he wouldn’t make judgement on Molly until Rudi’s custody case was settled. All I remember was turning quickly to eye Lester, alarmed because I wanted Molly as much as I wanted Rudi, but Lester gave me a look that told me not to push my luck.

Afterwards Lester made me see sense. Molly was not already related. Rudi was. Molly already lived with me so her living environment was settled and more able to handle a child being introduced to our home. She’d have one new person to deal with whereas Rudi had five people, including the baby and Kathleen.

Lester said he thought the judge was sensible in his decision, and once I proved I was capable of putting Rudi’s needs first—as he was the child whose life was going to be disrupted the most—then with the restraining order revoked I would be given shared parental responsibility for Rudi as the judge had rubber stamped that. I was being watched and I couldn’t afford to fuck up.

None of the legal stuff mattered. I felt ecstatic to have been given permission to have my son back in my life. Andrea could no longer control Rudi’s future with me by holding a legal paper over my head, and I couldn’t wait to tell Maggie that my son would finally be coming home to me… at least for some of his upbringing.

As I got into the car with Eamon, my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest, the relief of years of worry suddenly decompressed and I felt free to breathe unaided for the first time since I could remember. It’s impossible to describe that feeling of the unjust sentence that had been imposed on me and how I had carried that around on my back like some huge boulder weighing me down.

There hadn’t been a single day where I was free from the shame of assaulting that guy, but it was a reaction not an action to what he’d done to me. I knew from my past there was no point in protesting my innocence after the restraining order was granted and the appeal denied.

“Good job, boss. I’m over the moon happy for you,” Eamon said by way of expressing his support, then stuck the stick shift in gear and drove me home.

My mind was chaotic after the pressure of the week and flitted from seeing my new son George being brought into this world and severing the cord between his mother and him; Molly’s delight when she held him for the first time; and the fragmented memories of the few times I had gotten to hold Rudi before Andrea cruelly took her revenge on me for not loving her enough.

Eamon hadn’t even stopped the car, when I opened the door to get out in my excitement to share the news from the court with Maggie, and I’ll admit Molly did take a back seat, but that was only after Lester had reasoned with me. I didn’t like how the judge had left Molly’s adoption hanging, but I had no choice but to accept it.

Then… when I saw Maggie, I guess the enormity of the whole situation from the previous week hit me like a freight train. I handled it all wrong. If I’d just sat her down and calmly explained what the judge and Lester had said I knew she would have understood. Why couldn’t I have had that rational thought when I burst into the house and spewed my incoherent thoughts out the way I had?

Perhaps if Maggie hadn’t gone on the defense about Molly, I’d have been able to get my frustration under control enough to explain it in a more palatable way, but instead I allowed my emotions to overwhelm me and it all went to shit.

The curve ball she threw about the picture of the fans pissed me the fuck off. If I had ever met her sister, Shona, I had no recollection of her. We as a band met hundreds of girls every week, and I wouldn’t have known them again if I passed them in the street.

Besides, Molly had a picture of her and Shona on her dresser in her room. I’ve looked at it many times and not once did I ever feel anything about it apart from sadness at her no longer being here for Molly.

I think it was the way Maggie spoke that made me so defensive, challenging me about a picture I’d never even seen or remembered being taken, and I guess the whole tension and pressure of the incidents of that week just made me blow like I hadn’t done in years.

Something snapped inside me as my chest tightened, squeezing the air out of my lungs like they’d burst if I didn’t do something to relieve the pressure.

My normally controlled temper grew to boiling point, and I did the first thing that came to mind that I felt would relieve it and at the same time, tell Maggie in a nonverbal way not to push me any further. I picked up one of my shoes and threw it at the wall. Dramatic and shameful, but highly effective.

There wasn’t a peep from Maggie after I’d done it and when I saw the look on her face, I knew the only thing left for me to do was to get out of there. I stepped into my shoes, grabbed my jacket off the floor and left.

Eamon had heard the row between us—it would have been hard not to—and followed swiftly behind me. I’d grabbed the keys to the SUV from the bowl in the hallway and as I reached for the handle of the driver’s door, Eamon slammed his palm on the window.

“No. You’re not driving like this. I’ll take you wherever you want to go but you’re not driving.” He reached over and took the keys from my hand, unlocking the door. I didn’t bother walking around to the passenger side, and opened the rear door instead, and slid into the back seat.

I sat with my head in my hands and Eamon prompted me to pull on my seatbelt. I did as he asked, then he started the car and drove us away.

As soon as we passed through the gates and headed into the road, I struggled to keep my emotions in check. My throat burned as I swallowed several times in succession in my effort to keep them back. It didn’t work and to be honest by that point I didn’t care that I looked weak and I let the tears flow.

Eamon knew the drill and where to keep me safe and even though I felt a failure at running back to my parents at that particular moment, it was necessary to keep me from making the choice that would have killed my relationship with Maggie and my kids completely. They were worth more than any addiction or demon I had to fight and cowardly though it may have looked, it was the best way I knew how at that time, of ensuring I never slipped back.

My mom was already waiting at the bolt-hole by the time I arrived, and I guessed someone in my network had told her the score. For a minute I stopped and wondered who had told her because Eamon hadn’t made any calls.

“Steve rang me. Come on, let’s get you inside,” she coaxed in her warm, affectionate tone.

“I’m sorry… I just…”

“Shh. Glad you’re here and you’re safe. That’s all that matters. As soon as you’re settled, I’ll go over and see Maggie.” My heart ached at how I’d behaved and felt a failure at leaving her to care for our baby son.

“She’ll understand, Noah. She’ll be proud you’ve come here instead of some bar to drown your sorrows,” she advised, but I wasn’t so sure about that. I stared at my mom’s face and never spoke. The door opened and Jason, my AA group sponsor stood in the doorway with his backpack over his shoulder.

He shrugged the heavy pack off and threw it on the floor. “Never fear, the cavalry is here,” he joked and quickly strode over and hugged me. “Good job, Noah,” he praised.

My eyes darted from Eamon, to my mom, then back to him, and I felt ashamed because three people dropped what they were doing to tend to me, and my heart hurt for Maggie.

During that night Jason, my voice of reason, talked everything over with me and afterward my mood was much less dark. His constant reminders that I had so much to look forward to, helped.

Talking about my relationship with Maggie and how much we loved each other helped. All I’d ever wanted was within reach he told me and by the time we went to bed I had decided I was strong enough to go home to Maggie the following morning.

Eamon went to take my mom back to our place, and I’d insisted he stay with them over there. Once Jason had gotten to the crux of the matter and the events that had set me off he called Annalise on my behalf to find out exactly what the reporter who had been snooping around wanted. She explained what Maggie had already told me and had nothing new to add, so I figured we’d have to wait for publication.

The best I could console myself with was that I hadn’t lied to Maggie. If I ever had met Shona, I had no recollection of ever doing so.

It was 3:00 am when I finally passed out, only to be roused twenty minutes later from my dreamless sleep by Annalise again.

“Sorry to wake you, Noah, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t get hold of Steve. The story that journalist was trying to rake up yesterday is out in the first editions. I’ve only just had it sent over by Flick in PR.”

“And?”

“Vivian Reed claims to be a friend of Shona and states that Shona had your secret baby.”

My heart fell to the floor. “What the fuck? Where do they get these people? That’s ridiculous. Send me the article in my email,” I replied and grabbed Jason’s laptop off the coffee table. “Jason, what’s your password for your laptop?” I called out in frustration when I saw it was locked.

Jason sleepily padded out of the spare room and took the laptop from me. He tapped in a few letters then turned it around and handed it back.

“What’s going on?”

“Some bullshit story from that woman I told you about last night. She’s claiming Shona had my baby—that Molly’s mine,” I replied defensively, as I logged into my email and waited for the article Annalise sent me to open. My heart was beating out of my chest and I couldn’t even consider for one minute that this girl, Vivian, spoke the truth.

Leaning forward when the pdf picture opened I studied it hard and sure enough George and I were in the background being crude about the girls in the foreground. I stared at the girl who was supposedly Shona and had no memory of her whatsoever. Nothing. My eyes ticked over the details in the photo for clues when it dawned on me it was in our home state of Massachusetts.

I studied the picture of the two girls, both wearing Fr8Load t-shirts and I would never have recognized Shona as Maggie’s sister, except for one obvious trait: Shona’s eyes were almost exactly like Maggie’s and Molly’s. I couldn’t doubt the similarities between them, but the girl in the picture looked very different from the pictures I had previously seen of Shona.

Calculating the dates in my mind I reckoned the picture was taken around the time I was single and before I had met Andrea. Then I felt sick to my stomach.

No matter how hard I wanted this story to be untrue, from the amount of girls I had one night stands with back then there was the tiniest possibility that I could have… I couldn’t bear to think of the end of that sentence because the implications for Maggie and me were enormous. If the story had any credence I was in deep shit. We all were.

My heart pounded wildly as I checked the number for the tabloid running the article and called the newspaper office. I wanted to speak to the journalist reporting the story myself.

“Get Eamon on the phone, Jason. I’ve got to go home,” I said, shrugging my naked ass into my jeans and pulling the day old dirty t-shirt over my head. I was a mess.

“Tell me there isn’t any truth in that,” Jason said after reading the article for himself while I hung on the line waiting to be connected to the scumbag reporter’s desk. I scowled as I gave him a dark look and shook my head in disbelief because honestly—I had no idea what to think.

“Maggie’s gonna have your nuts if it turns out to be true,” he informed me as he scrolled for Eamon’s number, then winced like it was a thought he had, that had made it into words

* * *

By the time Eamon had arrived, I had pains in my chest and I could hardly breathe. My heart had definitely been doing a cardio workout since I’d read the article. I took my seat in the passenger side of the car and enquired how Maggie was. Eamon just stared at me for a minute and started the engine. That said everything I’d expected. She was mad.

My cell rang as Eamon pulled away from my parent’s place and I headed for home, this time with Jason in tow. He wouldn’t leave me, not with so much shit unresolved. My mind was in turmoil and I had no idea how I’d be able to come back from this with Maggie if there was a sliver of truth to this story.

* * *

Victor Bright, the reporter, was no friend to me. He’d been the one who had covered the assault trial back in the day.

When I had spoken to him, he’d taken delight in informing me of the damning evidence he had: namely email correspondence from Shona to Vivian and vice versa including pictures from the gig, emails about my sexual performance, and a catalogue of emails containing pictures which document the progression of her pregnancy. I sat in silence, stunned. If this is true, I’m fucked.

I demanded Eamon drive faster because I had to get to Maggie before someone else got there first and hit her up with the full story as it was reported. The last thing I wanted for her was to hear it from someone else.

Calling my legal team from the car, I asked if they had obtained the information Victor had been given to authenticate the claim. They had, and I asked them to send it over to me.

Even if it were true, Maggie had to know I’d never have kept this from her, and I had to make her believe that I never knew anything about it… somehow.

* * *

My mom was in the kitchen making tea for Maggie when we arrived back. It was only 6:40 am, but Molly was already up and dressed and eating breakfast. “Noah," she gushed as she slid down from her chair then ran full pelt into my arms.

My heart cracked right open when her arms went around me because if she were truly my child, then my heart ached for Maggie, and for Shona in equal measure that she’d had a child belonging to me. It was the weirdest, most uncomfortable feeling ever.

I nodded to Mom who looked relieved I was home, and I headed up to see Maggie. The light was on in the nursery and I went in to find Maggie feeding George.

“Thank God, you’re okay,” she said, and I felt a fresh wave of guilt. Of everything that had happened to her in the previous week, she had brushed it aside with concerns for me.

“I’m so sorry about last night, Maggie. I handled it all wrong.”

“Me too, Noah,” she replied and shifted her gaze from me to George feeding on her breast.

I was desperate and dreading to tell her what had happened, but I didn’t want to disrupt her feed with George and decided I wouldn’t even attempt to broach the subject until their task was done.

An overwhelming need for her to accept my innocence about Shona… even if the baby was mine washed over me and I wondered where the Hell I could find the words to explain. First, I had to explain what I had done the previous night to help her understand why I had reacted like I had.

George fell away from Maggie’s breast and looked drunk and exhausted from his feed. I scooped him up in my arms, put him over my shoulder and patted his back to wind him. Maggie smiled at the sight of us together and I wished to God I wasn’t about to spoil the moment with what I had to say.

Placing George in his crib I took Maggie by the hand and asked her to come to our room. I was worried about her reaction and another argument was a definite possibility.