Bellamy

 

For dinner, I made Liam and Holly pan-seared steak with a simple herb butter, roasted vegetables, and a baguette I picked up at a bakery in Caribou before we came home.

I ate Raisin Bran.

I was really hoping Dr. Crawford was accurate in his estimation that my all-day sickness would soon wane and I would actually want to eat something again. Though, I guess it was a win that I had some tacos with Liam and Alex earlier, and they stayed down.

After the cereal, I made some ginger tea because, frankly, I wasn’t about to push my luck. The second I returned to the table and set down the mug, Liam dragged my chair so close to his they bumped together.

I glanced at the food on his plate and wrinkled my nose. Liam nudged the tea in front of me, and I lifted it, cradling the warm ceramic in my hands. Tucking my knees against my chest, I laid my head on Liam’s shoulder while he and Holly talked about the resort.

“I need to make an appearance at the office,” Liam said after a while.

I glanced up. “It’s only been a few days.”

“In the world of BearPaw, those few days will probably take me weeks to catch up on.”

“Our executive team assures me they have everything handled and running smoothly.” Holly assured him.

“I’m not about to leave Dad’s entire life’s work up to a bunch of suits.”

“Haven’t those people worked with Ren for years? I’m sure they understand his vision,” I said, worried.

“I’m his son,” Liam retorted, clipped.

“I know.” I spoke gently. “Which is why I think you might need more time.”

His fork hit the plate. “I’m perfectly capable of handling myself.”

The tone he used was icy. He might as well have told me to mind my own damn business.

I wanted to clap back with something, but I didn’t. Liam was hurting. This was a hard topic to discuss. Instead, I straightened away from his body and pulled the tea a little closer into my chest.

“Shit,” Liam swore beneath his breath. His body rotated toward me, his eyes filled with regret. “I’m sorry, Bells. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“It’s okay,” I said.

His jaw tightened. “No. It’s not.”

“I know the team very well. I helped your father select them. I can assure you, Liam, they are not doing anything they shouldn’t be.” Holly spoke up.

Liam’s eyes stayed on me for a lingering moment. I could tell he wanted to say more but held back. With an exhale, he turned to his mom. “They need to know that we are still in charge.”

“They know.” She promised. “But if it would make you feel better, we can stop in at the office tomorrow afternoon.”

“Why not in the morning?” Liam quizzed.

“Oh dear. With everything, I forgot to mention it to you.”

Liam’s shoulders bunched. My eyes couldn’t help but stare at his wide frame and the way it shifted beneath his T-shirt. “What?”

“We have an appointment tomorrow with your father’s attorney.”

“What for?”

I wanted to reach out and massage the knots I knew were in his back and shoulders. Even his neck looked thick with tension, almost as if he were bracing for more bad news. I didn’t touch him, though. A small part of me worried he would shrug me off.

“The reading of his will.”

Liam seemed surprised. “His will? I thought everything went to you.”

“Not everything.”

“Like what?” Liam demanded.

“I’ll let the lawyer explain tomorrow.”

“I don’t want any money,” he partly growled. “I don’t want anything. I’m not going to benefit from the fact that my father was murdered.”

“Liam!” Holly gasped.

My feet dropped from my chair onto the floor when I sat up. Tension permeated off him in waves, as did anger.

“That’s not what this is!” Holly exclaimed.

“It’s what it feels like,” he muttered darkly, tossing his napkin down and stalking out of the room onto the freezing-cold deck. I watched his white breath blow around his head as he paced to the railing, looking every bit like a king purveying his land.

Both his hands slid into the pockets of his jeans, and it was almost as if he gripped the front of his thighs inside the material.

“He’s so angry,” Holly said, glancing at me. “At first I thought—” Guilt flashed in her eyes.

“You thought it was me he was angry with,” I said because she clearly wouldn’t.

Her lips pressed together, and her head bobbed. “But then I saw him with you… at the reception. He still looks at you like you’re his entire world.”

I admit the fact that Holly noticed the way Liam looked at me made the way he’d just snapped at me seem a hundred years in the past.

Truth was I wanted to be Liam’s world because Liam was mine.

“He’s mad at himself,” I murmured, glancing through the giant sliding doors. “He blames himself.” Tearing my eyes away from him, I met Holly’s gaze. “I think he feels like he isn’t in control.”

Worry flared in her eyes. “You think he’s relapsed?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, a little less than honest. I wasn’t about to tell her about the pill I found because I had yet to bring it up to Liam. “But I definitely think he’s struggling.”

“I never should have kept him from you.” Holly despaired.

I started to speak, hesitated, then delved ahead. “No disrespect, but I don’t think Liam would do anything he didn’t want to do.”

“You think he wanted to stay away from you?” She seemed surprised.

She wasn’t getting it. I shook my head slightly. “This isn’t about you or me. About who Liam chooses to spend his time with. This is about Liam. Only Liam. And how he feels.”

“Ren was a big part of his life,” Holly spoke, grief abundant in her tone.

“And yours, too.”

She nodded. “I think that’s why I’m having a hard time helping Liam with his grief. Because my own is so overwhelming.”

I sat forward and stretched my hand across the table, covering hers. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

“I’m so very sorry for the way I acted after the hospital…”

I squeezed just slightly. “You don’t have to apologize. I can’t even imagine being in your position.”

“I’m ashamed.”

“Don’t be.”

She slipped her hand from beneath mine, then grasped it. “You’re good for him.”

I definitely wasn’t so sure of that, but I didn’t bother saying it out loud. “Maybe we could push the will reading? Just a few days? Give him some time…”

Holly shook her head, adamant. “Liam needs to go. Not because of the money, either. Because of something else.”

My eyes asked her what.

She shook her head. “For Liam.”

I nodded, cautious. “I’ll talk to him.”

Her fingers gave mine a squeeze. “Thank you. I want you to come, too. Liam will want you there.”

Her words turned my caution into concern. “Look, Holly…” I started. “If this is going to be something to upset him, I can’t—”

“It won’t.”

Debating, I turned and stared through the door at Liam. The wind was blowing, mussing up his already messy hair. He had no coat on, and snow was blowing around.

Looking at him made my heart ache.

“I think I’m just going to head over to the resort,” Holly said, getting up from the table. “Check in on the suits, as Liam calls them.”

“I thought you said everything was fine there.” I worried.

“It is. But it won’t hurt to make sure. I can report back to Liam in the morning, maybe put his mind at ease. If only a little.”

“Are you sure you’re up for that?”

Holly smiled sadly. “I think so. Ren and I spent a lot of time at the offices. I have so many wonderful memories with him there, almost as many as we have here. Being there will help me feel close to him.”

“If it’s too much, call. We’ll come.”

Her smile was soft. “Take the alone time with my son. I think he needs it more than me right now.”

A few moments later, she headed down toward the garage. The house was eerily silent when she was gone.

The sky was nearly dark, the first stars already out, ready to shine.

Before following Liam out onto the deck, I grabbed a large furry blanket and tucked it into my arms. He didn’t turn when I came outside behind him. The only part of him that moved was his hands, which went a little deeper into his jeans.

I tossed the blanket around his shoulders, tugging it so it fell down his back, then moved around to tuck it closer to his chest and beneath his chin. Strands of his hair blew wildly about, as if not even the wind could contain them. The tip of his nose was pink and so were the peaks of cheekbones.

Silver eyes moved from the view down to me, staring at me in a way that left me naked and vulnerable. In the moment, he himself seemed bare, blatantly seeking out answers in my stare, silently asking me why I was still here.

The blanket slid off his shoulder, and I quickly reached to pull it back. My heart physically hurt as he stared at me. My arms felt heavy, my fingers stiff. Winter caressed the ends of my hair and the tops of my ears.

Still staring, still unspeaking, Liam stepped back from the railing, giving just enough space for me to fit against the wood. I slipped between, using the new position to fully pull the blanket around him and pinch it closed at his chest.

My limbs started to quiver, but it wasn’t the frigid temperatures. It was the intense, heavy emotion emanating from Liam. He was simmering over with it. I wasn’t quite sure how to reach him, how to prick the armor he wore so even just the tiniest amount could leak out.

His eyes stroked over me, hungry, but his arms remained in his pockets. “I’m sorry,” he rasped. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“You can yell at me some more if it helps.” I offered.

His eyes lifted, going back to the sweeping view. “A kingdom with no king,” he spoke, almost to the wind.

I turned around to look out over the same view, and as I did, I wondered just how differently it looked through his eyes.

We both knew the throne was his. The keys to the castle already had his name engraved on them. I didn’t say it, though, because I knew it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

“A kingdom shouldn’t be inherited. A kingdom should be earned,” he said behind me.

My cold fingers wrapped around the railing. Snowcapped mountains rose in the distance, blanketed by night.

“You don’t think you’ve earned your place here? Because I think everyone else would disagree.”

“Earned?” He scoffed. “I’m damaged goods. I lost my career because my body gave out. I lost my mind because I swallowed too many pills. My father is gone because I let Crone win.”

My breath caught at the harshness of his words. Not the way he said them. No, he spoke matter-of-fact, as if he were telling me the weather. The harshness was in the way Liam meant them.

“And now what? Now I’m supposed to claim this place out of default? Because my father had the misfortune of only having me for a son? What happens when I ruin this, too?”

A sound of distress broke from me, and I spun. Threading my hand in the hair at the back of his neck, I forced his head down. “Don’t say that! Your father was so proud of you. He loved you.”

Liam lifted his eyes, staring over my head.

Grabbing his face, I forced him down again. “You are nothing by default, Liam Mattison. You are the very definition of a king.”

The side of his lip curled up so fast I nearly missed it. Then his face went blank again. “What happens when I lose you, too?”

My breath caught. “What?” I croaked.

A million and one scenarios went through my head. At this point, it was a conditioned response. I turned, looking over my shoulder at the yard and the surrounding areas. Paranoia crashed over me like a heavy drape. “I thought he said I was free,” I whispered. “I thought this was over.”

Liam touched me then. Like a boat at anchor, I stopped floating away and merely bobbed in place. One hand, that’s all. One hand curled around my hip. “You are free,” he said, earnest. “Even if you weren’t, that mother fucker would have to come through me to get to you.”

That was a worse thought than Crone still coming at me.

“Then…?”

“I meant… what happens when I screw up and lose you?”

“That’s not going to happen.”

His hand dropped away from my hip. “Look how much I hurt you in the past four days.”

“You have a right to mourn your father.”

“Everything just feels so out of control,” he murmured. I wondered if he realized he spoke out loud.

“Liam?” I asked, feeling as if I were dipping my toe into the most frigid water on a summer’s day.

He didn’t seem to hear me. He was lost to his thoughts.

“Liam,” I said louder.

His eyes shot to mine.

I swallowed, taking a breath. Then I asked, “Are you using again?”