Liam

 

Running scared was what cowards did.

I was no coward.

Partially broken, flooding with darkness, and drowning with guilt?

Yes. But a coward, no.

It wasn’t hard to walk out of the reception with Mom, Alex, and even Kelsey drilling holes in the back of my head as I went. In fact, it was the opposite of hard.

I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Dealing with death was hard. Finite. Dealing with the living was arguably worse. There was something a lot less finite about life. Its ability to change by the second was truly scary.

I’d been walking around, a jumble of confusion, feeling like a rope that was cut and frayed at both ends. I wanted to be there for everyone, but it seemed no matter what, I would let someone down.

If I got anything out of my father’s death, it was that I had to live. No matter how hard.

Reaching across the seats, I rested my hand palm up toward Bellamy. Without hesitation, her palm flattened against mine.

We were in a weird place. An awkward place. A place we’d never been together before. Usually, everything between us was easy, even when life was complete and utter chaos. Usually, when I looked at her, my heart beat a little faster and I knew exactly where I belonged.

I still felt like that. Chemistry still crackled in the space around us. The invisible tether between our bodies still tugged.

But there was a new dynamic, too.

Almost as if we were fighting against everything that always held us together.

This was my fault, too.

I was going to fix it.

We walked into Alex’s place, the silence disrupted by the giant drooling dog. He rushed me, and I chuckled, glad to see him. I’d missed him too the past few days. Almost as soon as he got a couple pats from me, he went to Bellamy, treating her far different than the way he’d bulldozed me. Instead, he sat at her feet, his tail beating against the floor impatiently, and gave a low woof.

She laughed and sank to her knees, which remarkably made the dog look slightly taller than her. She scratched his belly and chest and avoided his giant tongue. When she was about to pull away, he put out a massive paw and rested it on her arm.

“I missed you, too, buddy,” she murmured, smiling. “C’mon.” He leapt up and danced into the kitchen ahead of her because he knew exactly what she was doing. Bellamy had to lean over the dog to reach the treat-filled container on the counter. I braced myself, thinking I might have to intercept him from taking off her hand as she pulled out the snack.

“Use your manners,” she told him, holding it out.

He gently took it from her fingers. Far gentler than he’d ever been with me.

Beneath my ribs, my heart did a somersault. Watching them together made me relive all the moments I’d spent without them over the past several days.

Charlie trotted off, and Bells smiled after him before returning the container to the counter. She seemed comfortable here. Like she’d settled into Alex’s place with no trouble at all.

Without me.

That awkward feeling settled back between us, and she turned around, leaning against the counter, and looked at me.

“He’s definitely your dog now,” I said, trying to smile but unable because I felt like I was losing her. She was slipping away.

“One more thing I’ve taken from you,” she whispered.

I jolted. “I didn’t mean—”

She shrugged, not unkindly. “It’s still true.”

I went across the room, urgency propelling my feet faster. “That is not true,” I stated vehemently. “You haven’t taken shit from me.”

“Except your father, your career…” Her eyes strayed to Charlie. “And your dog.”

“Bellamy!” I rasped, surging forward and grasping her by the shoulders. She felt thin and small beneath my hands, and I gentled my grip a little.

She glanced down at where I held her, a small sound erupting. Her eyes lifted, wide. “You touched me.”

I frowned. “I always touch you.”

She shook her head sadly. “Not lately. Lately, it seems like you try not to.”

My stomach clenched and so did my jaw. “I touched you last night.” I defended without heat.

“You didn’t speak to me. You left before the sun came up.”

“I kissed you at the service just a little bit ago.”

“Keeping up appearances.”

I sucked in a breath. This was worse than I thought.

So much worse.

I pushed away from her to pace. “You actually think the only reason I touched you today was because I was worried what the people in this town would say if I didn’t?”

“No one knows what really happened.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and regarded her. “Apparently, Alex told you what the official story is.”

“Well, someone had to,” she snapped. Immediately, she turned contrite. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You’ve been through so—”

“I was wondering when you were gonna show up.” I half smiled.

Her eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

“Defeated isn’t usually a word I would use to describe you.”

“You think this is funny?” she asked, straightening off the counter.

I scrubbed a hand over my face. This was not going well. “Of course not, sweetheart. Nothing about any of the past few days is funny.”

“You act like you want me to be mad,” she muttered.

“Maybe I do.”

Her eyes snapped up to me. “Why?” she whispered.

“Because it would be a hell of a lot better than this!” I exclaimed, gesturing between us. “This sorrowful acceptance of…” I couldn’t even bring myself to say it.

“The end?” She finished.

I made an angry sound and lunged toward her. “This is not the end,” I spat. “I’ve had enough endings to last my entire lifetime.”

Charlie didn’t like my sudden movements or the aggressive way I spoke. With a low warning growl, he inserted himself between us.

I glanced down at the dog, then back to Bellamy. “Bells. I would never hurt you.”

She smiled sadly. “I know. He’s been a little on edge since that night.”

“How did he get to the hotel?” I asked, curious.

“He attacked the man in the house, not Spidey, the first guy. He was just trying to protect me. When the man recovered, he was going to shoot him.” Her lower lip wobbled, and my heart sank. I still didn’t know the full events of that night. There hadn’t been any time to really talk to her. “So I shoved him out the back door and told him to run. He must have been so confused.”

I made a soft sound and reached for her, wrapping my arms around her upper body while the dog stood between us. Charlie didn’t object to the hug, maybe because he was part of it.

“It’s okay now,” I murmured, stroking the back of her head. “You saved his life. You saved mine that night. And yours.”

“Not Ren’s.” She sobbed, her shoulders shaking as I held her.

I tried to pull her even closer, but the dog was in the way. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here, sweetheart. I truly wanted to be.”

“Your mom needed you more.” After a small hiccup against my neck, she said, “She blames me.”

My stomach dipped. “She’s irrational right now.”

“You smell good.” She blubbered and pushed a little tighter into my neck.

I half smiled at the random comment. I liked it. No. I loved it. Bellamy didn’t really believe this was the end of us. Just as I couldn’t either.

“What do I smell like?” I asked, shifting closer. I loved my dog, but he was pissing me off. He was keeping me from full-on contact with my girl.

“Snow,” she murmured. “Like home.”

I pulled back and picked her up, lifting her over the dog and bringing her against me. Her legs wound around my midsection and her arms wrapped around my neck. Her body melted against mine, draping over my upper body, melding to me in all the right places.

I started to carry her to the sofa where I could sit with her in my arms and fix all the damage our separation had caused.

Charlie barked. Then barked again.

Bellamy sat up, blinking her red-rimmed eyes. “He needs to go outside.”

I groaned. Bells patted my shoulder, and I let her slide down my front, totally enjoying the immediate lick of flames that tightened my balls and caused a quick intake of breath.

She went to the table where her coat was, picked it up, and pushed her arms through.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking out the dog,” she said as if it were obvious.

“It’s ten degrees outside. I’ll take him.”

The stubborn glint I was used to flashed in her eyes, and it actually made me feel better. I liked her spunk. I liked her fire. It was good to see it wasn’t gone.

Still. She wasn’t taking out the dog.

“Bellamy,” I grumbled. “Keep your tiny ass in this house.”

“My ass is not tiny.” She sniffed, lifting her nose.

I pointed toward her lower half. “That ass was up against me all night last night. It’s tiny.”

Charlie barked again and pawed at the back door.

“You tell him, Charlie.” Bellamy nodded.

I rolled my eyes.

As I was closing the door behind us, Bellamy called out my name. “Liam?”

I glanced around. She was standing there watching me go with this look of… anxiety in her eyes.

“What, sweetheart?”

She worried her lower lip, then released it. “You’re coming back, right?”

I did this to her.

Me.

“I swear.”

She nodded, and I pulled the door around to close.

We didn’t stay out long. After that question and look in her eyes, I wanted to get back to her as fast as possible. Thankfully, Charlie cooperated and did his business, then ran back to the porch. He loved the cold, but it was bitter outside right now, not even fun for him.

When I stepped back in the house, I expected to see some sort of happiness in her eyes or even just some minor relief.

I saw neither.

Bellamy was standing with her back to me, facing the counter where a fresh pot of coffee was brewing. Her posture was rigid and her head was focused down. It seemed that whatever headway I’d made with her before I stepped outside was somehow gone.

“Bells?” I said, cautious, as I pulled off my coat and boots.

She still had her coat on from when she’d started to get dressed for outside. Why was she still wearing her coat?

She didn’t answer when I called out to her, so I tossed my shit aside and walked to where she stood. I reached for her arm to gently pull her around, but she flinched and jerked back.

All at once, she whirled, tears on her cheeks. “Is this why?” she asked, shaking something clutched in her hand.

“Why what?” I said, glancing down.

It was a white piece of paper that looked as if it had been balled up but someone tried to smooth back out. My veins frosted over.

“Is this why you’ve barely spoken to me in three days?”

“Where did you get that?” I intoned, low.

She made a sound and glanced down at it, the paper wrinkling more under her intense grip. She read, “It’s rather poetic that you will have to live knowing you sacrificed your father for a woman. And she will have to live with knowing you will blame her for that for the rest of her days.”

I reached for it, but she snatched it back.

“Bellamy,”

“You’ve read this?”

“Yes,” I replied, terse.

“When?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“When!” she cried, hoarse.

“That night.” My words were subdued. “Right before I brought you here.”

The paper floated to the floor like a feather when she let go, allowing her arm to drop back to her side. “When you said you didn’t blame me, who were you lying to, Liam, me or you?”

“I wasn’t lying.”

She looked up, her eyes meeting mine. “Then why did you keep this from me? Why didn’t you tell me?”

I opened my mouth.

She cut me off with quiet, heavy words. “Because part of you… even just a small part, believes it.”

I started to shake my head, the denial swift.

She grabbed the black tie around my neck, wrapping her hand around it to tug. “The truth, Liam.”

I met her eyes and spoke. “Yes.”