Bellamy

 

I felt like a battery with no life left in me at all.

Walking through Alex’s cabin, I didn’t even notice my surroundings or realize this was my first time at his place. I walked into the sunken living room and curled up on the end of one of the leather couches. Charlie jumped up beside me and lay down, his big head covering my side. His fur was soft and warm, a comforting sensation to contrast the intensity of my feelings and thoughts.

Alex stepped in front of me, dragged the coffee table behind him close, and lowered so he was sitting right in front of where I was curled.

“How you doing?” he asked, his voice hushed.

“How do you think?”

“Want to talk?”

I shook my head, adamant.

He fell quiet, but his eyes never left me. I wondered how I looked to him then, pathetic and weak or like a tornado of havoc destroying everything in my path.

After a while, he started to get up.

“Alex…”

He dropped back down and covered one of my hands with his. I tightened my fingers around his, clinging on as if I just realized how badly I needed an anchor.

We stayed like that a long time, me staring off into space and him holding my hand. The curtains were all drawn so the room remained dim, no sunlight intruding. It still felt like night regardless because, really, I hadn’t even been to bed.

After a while, my voice startled me, as if my mouth spoke without consulting my brain. “Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“I killed someone today.”

“He deserved worse.”

“You’ve killed before, haven’t you?”

He didn’t react physically, but the energy in the room changed. “Liam told you?”

I shook my head and looked up from the arm of the sofa. “No.”

The piercing light blue of his eyes stared at me, maybe recognizing something. “I have.”

Behind us a fire crackled in a large stone hearth. Charlie had all the warmth of a blanket, and Alex’s strong presence made me feel a little brave. “Do you ever feel guilty?”

He studied me for long moments, almost weighing his words. “Truth?”

I nodded.

That calm, deadly exterior fell over him, the one I saw before. I realized then I only saw that piece of him when he allowed me to. “No. Some men don’t deserve to live.”

I nodded again. His honesty made me feel better because the admission didn’t change the way I felt about Alex. The fact that he killed without guilt didn’t make me look at him any different than before.

Alex wasn’t a bad person, and that meant neither was I.

Then why do I feel like one?

His long fingers reached out a little later, pushing away some of the hair falling into my face. “You’re blaming yourself hard, aren’t you?”

I puzzled his words. “If I hadn’t killed Spidey, he would have killed all of us.”

“Not Spidey. Ren.”

The mention of Liam’s father brought a rush of tears to the surface and a piercing pain through my chest. “It’s my fault,” I whispered.

Alex made a sound, dropped off the coffee table, and hit the floor right in front of the couch. His fingers squeezed mine. “Ren’s death was not your fault. Liam said you tried to push him out of the way.”

“I was too late.”

Alex’s mouth flattened. “No one blames you for his death.”

“Liam does.”

“No, he doesn’t,” he retorted.

“His mom does.”

He sucked in a breath, knowing I was right. I was here with him because Liam’s mother couldn’t bear the thought of looking at me. After pausing for a few heartbeats, Alex said, “I think she gets a pass for tonight. She just lost the love of her life.”

But what happens when she still hates me tomorrow? I didn’t say it out loud because I was weary of talking.

Allowing my eyes to drift shut, I replayed the moment I shared with Liam before he left. How he looked bursting out of the Extreme and rushing toward me. How right it felt when his lips brushed over mine.

Even after everything, the pull between us was undeniable.

Still, he left anyway.