Bellamy

 

“Like right now?” I asked, even as he carefully shimmied out from beneath my naked body.

He laughed. My God, it was such a pure sound that tears sprang to my eyes.

“Right now.” He held out his hand, almost as though he were asking me to go on some adventure with him.

I put my hand in his, allowing him to pull me from the bed. I reached for my shirt, and he growled. “You don’t need clothes where we’re going.”

I made a face. “Says the man who is literally picking up his jeans.”

White teeth flashed, and my heart skipped a beat. A laugh. A grin. In the span of a few heartbeats.

He was lighter.

Suddenly, Liam seemed a little less frosty and just a little bit warmer.

What can I say? I was really good in bed. *wink*

“I’m not putting them on,” he said, draping them over his shoulder and reaching for my hand again. He led me into the bathroom and stopped in front of the toilet. “I need you to help me with something.”

“I’m not holding your wang while you take a pee.”

Liam’s hair flopped when he threw his head back and laughed. Then he laughed some more.

My lips twitched because his amusement was kinda funny, but at the same time… What the hell was he laughing at?

“Baby, no one says wang. And men don’t ‘take a pee.’ We piss.”

I wrinkled my nose. “So you can say things like ass taxi, but I can’t call your thing a wang?”

His lips twitched. “You can’t call it a thing either.”

“Well, what should I call him, then? Your Royal Highness?”

Liam seemed to consider it. I smacked him in the stomach. “Why are we standing over the toilet, Liam?”

He pulled the jeans down and delved his hand into the pocket, withdrawing a palm full of pills. Sadness washed through me, but I tried to hold it back.

I failed.

“Oh, Liam.”

“Don’t you feel sorry for me, Bells.”

“I don’t. I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t come to me.”

He smirked. “I just did. Twice.”

I gestured to the pills in his hand. “This isn’t funny.”

“I know it’s not,” he said, serious. “I’ve been carrying these around, almost tempting myself.” His voice dropped an octave. “They aren’t even mine. I stole them out of Mom’s medicine cabinet. They were Dad’s.”

“Maybe that’s part of it, then.” I hypothesized. “Maybe you took them because they were your father’s.”

His voice was stern, “Don’t make excuses for me.”

“So why didn’t you take any?” I asked.

“You believe me?” he asked, curious. “That I didn’t take any?”

“Yes,” I answered without hesitation.

“Why?”

“Because even if you did take them, I would still be standing here. I would still love you just as much.”

“I think that’s why I didn’t take any,” he confided, glancing between me and the pills. “That night I came to Alex’s. The night I crawled in bed with you?”

I nodded.

“I was close that night. So close to swallowing a few.”

My stomach ached thinking of it. Picturing him standing upstairs in the bathroom, staring at the pills, internally debating if he should. “Why didn’t you?”

“I was at my breaking point that night. Instead of taking the pills, I came to you.”

“You didn’t say anything,” I whispered.

“I didn’t have to. Being beside you was enough.” He twirled the length of my hair around his hand.

A tear splashed over my cheek. “I’ve been so worried about you.” I wrung my hands together. “At first, I thought you hated me. And then I found the pill, and I was terrified you relapsed. I wanted to ask so many times.”

Liam let go of my hair and shifted closer. “I will never hate you.” A low sound vibrated his throat. “You should have said something. All that stress on you and the baby. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so fucking sorry.”

I shook my head. “I’m just glad you didn’t relapse.”

“And I’m not going to.” He confirmed. “You know why?”

“Why?”

The silver-gray of his eyes was mesmerizing. The way it changed and flashed with every emotion that went through him.

“Because I have you,” he murmured, brushing a thumb over my cheekbone. “Because I don’t need an escape from any of this. Because escaping would mean running away. I don’t want to be anywhere you aren’t.”

A sob broke out of me. “That’s my line,” I wailed.

Liam hooked the arm not holding the pills around me and tugged me close. His lips kissed my hairline and then the center of my forehead. I looked up, and he kissed a tear off my cheek.

“I can handle anything as long as I have you.” He pulled back, brushing his hand over my stomach. “This little guy, too.”

I watched as he dumped all the pills into the toilet. The white tablets floated around before he reached over and flushed.

“Wait,” I said and rushed from the room. I found the pill I’d had in my pocket and brought it to him as well.

He plucked it out of my fingers and flushed it, too.

When all the pills were gone, he exhaled and smiled as though a giant weight had just been banished from his shoulders.

“I’m so proud of you,” I said, going forward and hugging him. “I can’t even imagine how hard that was. But you did it.”

“I did it for you.”

“No.” I pulled back quickly. “You do that for you. No one else. You are worth being sober for, you and you alone.”

“Hey,” he crooned, taking my hand. His voice was almost shy considering we were standing in front of a toilet naked, holding hands. “This doesn’t mean I’m cured,” he said, cautious. “I’m always going to be an addict. There’s always going to be that… urge inside me. I was strong enough today, but I might not be strong enough a year from now. It might not be the last time you find a pill in our bed.”

“I said it outside. I’ll say it anywhere. I’m with you. No matter what. I’ll always be here.”

“I love you, Bells.”

“I love you, too.”

Out in the bedroom, I pulled the shirt Liam had been wearing over my head, letting the fabric fall past my thighs.

“You feel like a shower?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me from behind. “I’ll wash your back.”

I reached up and fisted my hand in his unruly hair. “Mmm, yes, please.”

The sounds of Charlie’s low growl seemed to echo through the entire house. My body went taut, and I jerked away from Liam, eyes wide.

There was a loud knocking sound, and the dog started barking ecstatically.

Heart thumping all the way into my neck, I tugged at the shirt I was wearing. “Liam?”

His body was tight as he listened. The dog continued to bark, and then the doorbell rang.

Liam relaxed instantly and came to me. “Someone’s at the door. That’s all.” He assured as Charlie continued to bark. “Mom will get it.”

“Your mom isn’t here. She ran an errand.”

He flashed a smile. “Well, I guess that’s good, considering the show we put on out on the deck.”

I knew he was trying to make me feel better, that the fear on my face had probably been intense. I blew out a breath and tried to smile.

“I’ll get it. It’s probably just someone with another damn casserole.”

Suddenly, the idea of being down here alone was very unappealing. “I’ll come with you.”

“You aren’t wearing pants,” he pointed out.

“You aren’t wearing a shirt.”

He shrugged. “It’s a double standard, sweetheart. What can you do?”

I stuck my tongue out at him as he left the room, hollering for Charlie to shut up. I grabbed a pair of yoga pants to pull on beneath Liam’s shirt and then pulled my hair up into a messy topknot.

By the time I was done, my heart had returned to normal, but I was still shaken.

Between my reaction out on the deck earlier and then again with the door, I was beginning to realize something.

I still didn’t feel safe.

I was beginning to wonder if I ever would.