One day. Liv has literally isolated herself on the other side of the house for one fucking day. Not an hour. A day! I told her in grave detail of how I ruined the girl I thought I loved. And all in one sitting, which I still find surprising. Also my “brief” involvement with a local gang that fucking branded my skin—boy do I regret that. And when I finished, she was frozen like a statue. A beautiful statue that just realized she’d fallen in love with a monster. But she has to understand that I would never be monstrous to her.
What I did to Rose was terrible and utterly unforgivable. I understand that. I was young, angry, and atrociously spiteful. I wasn’t ready for a kid, and I was truly cruel. I didn’t think about her feelings or the consequences. There are no true number of apologies I can give to ever make her forgive me. But I did love her. At least, that was what my fucked-up brain told me.
I refused to take my pills back then, and it destroyed the girl I loved. I still refuse to take them now, and I’ve broken the girl I believe I’ll always love. Rose begged me to take them, because I was unstable and out of my fucking mind, getting involved with a gang that branded my fucking skin. But I didn’t listen. And if I want to keep Liv in my life, which I plan to do, whatever it takes, I’ll take every fucking pill.
I groan, throw my cigarette on the ground, and stomp my foot on it, putting it out. A hundred packs wouldn’t calm my raging nerves. I’ve been avoided for one whole day, and I’ve been losing my brain cells with each passing minute.
I blow out the last bit of smoke from my mouth before walking back inside. It’s still raining, and I don’t want to get a cold. God, I sound like a bitch. Or it’s Liv nagging me in my mind. I rub my arms to create friction. I should have brought my fucking jacket; it’s freezing outside. But I wasn’t thinking anything but her.
I wander into the dining room and stand in front of the liquor cabinet. “Whoa…” I open the cabinet and skim through the many bottles of expensive-ass liquor. They wouldn’t notice if some of their hundred-dollar Bourbon was gone. I’m positive they can buy an entire case of the stuff. I take the dark liquor bottle and grab a fancy glass and pour myself some. Something tells me I’m going to need one, maybe even two.
After my second glass, I feel more energized and ready for the shitstorm bound to hit Liv and me. But maybe I’m not drunk enough…no, I need to be coherent, or it’ll further prove to her that I’m not worth her time. And trust me when I say I need as many good graces on my behalf as possible.
“Fuck this,” I grumble to myself after two seconds of staring at the floor. I down a little bit more just to soothe the bundle of nerves in my stomach and begin to search for her. I’ve had enough of this waiting game. Surely she’s had enough time to decide whether or not to leave me.
The thought of her choosing to leave me rips a wave of pain through me. I can’t imagine not being with her. I was a hopeless fuck before her, but after…she actually gives me purpose. She makes me want to be good—not such a selfish asshole who ruins girls’ lives.
I find her in the room with the massive fireplace and white plush rug. She’s sitting in a lounge chair near the fire. I stop and take in her breathtaking beauty. The fire somehow enhances her features, highlighting her long eyelashes. Her plump lips that haunt my dreams are pursed, and her eyebrows are pinched together. She is focused as she writes in her notebook. I wonder what she’s writing about…
As if sensing my presence, she stops and looks straight through me. “What are you doing here?” Her tone is clipped, and she goes back to writing, this time more vexed and with purpose, contrasting to how peaceful she looked before. Ouch…
“I wanted to talk to you.” I tuck my hands in my pockets and step down into the room.
“I’m a little busy at the moment,” she says around an agitated sigh.
I knew this would happen. I knew she’d hate me and push me away. It just hurts because I know this is all my fault, and there was no way around this. I didn’t want to inflict this kind of pain. I was so selfish, as usual, and wanted her so badly that I forgot how fucked up I was and how it’d haunt me—us—as long as I was in the picture.
I should turn around and leave her be. She is destined for greater things; I knew that when I first laid eyes on her. And she is supposed to find a good boy who adores long walks on beaches and wearing cardigans and is loved by her mother, and marry him and have little genius kids—leading the life she is meant to live. But I can’t.
I refuse to let the past determine my future. Not when she’s involved. I will not walk away. Not unless she is in my arms as I do.
“I don’t give a shit,” I tell her and shrug. She looks at me, confused. If she thought I was just going to walk away, then she must have lost her brilliant little mind.
I sit next to her on the chair. She shifts a little uncomfortably, probably still shocked I’m making an effort to fix things. But she should get used to it, because I am not letting her go. She completes me, as horrible as I make it seem. But then she sits up and looks at me for a long time, like she’s trying to dig through my messed-up mind.
“Why?” she says.
“Why what?” I ask.
There’s a pause, and then she breathes, “Why did you do what you did to Rose?”
I take a deep breath and ball my hands nervously. “Because I loved her.”
She scoffs and glances at the trickling fire. “I should be terrified scared to love you.”
“I thought I loved her.” I reach out to touch her hand, but she yanks it away and looks at me with slight disgust. No matter how slight it was…it still hurt like a bitch. “And I wasn’t lying when I said that she cheated on me with my best friend. I thought—I thought the thing—the baby—was his. And in my fucked-up mind, I couldn’t move on with her, knowing that she would do something like that to me. It triggered something in me, and I lost it. I vowed to ruin her like she ruined me, and—and I did. I ruined her.” I am nearly in tears when I stop. And when I look at her, she mirrors my will to not break down.
“Listen, I love you, Liv. I’m not tricking you or lying. It is the honest one hundred percent truth. And it honestly scares the living shit out of me, because you’ve become so fucking important to me in such little time. But time doesn’t even matter, because when I’m around you it feels like an infinity of me loving you.” I gaze directly into her eyes.
“Thinking about you. And craving you. I know I sound like a dopey character in one of your sappy novels or movies, but it’s the truth. And the truth is…I don’t deserve you. But I want to be able to deserve you. I don’t want to lose you because of my past. Because that’s all it is—the past. Not my present or future. I was a different person back then, and I’m a better, different person now.” I gently take her hands in mine. “And it’s all because of you.”
She looks at me for a long time before bursting into tears. I look at her, shocked. I did not see this coming. Her notebook falls off her lap and lands on the floor. I move to pick it up, but she shakes her hands, and I stare into her glossy blue eyes. “No, don’t. J-just leave it.” I nod and frown. She’s still crying, even harder now.
“Why are you crying, love?” I ask and begin to beat myself up. Did I not say the right thing? I was sort of practicing for the past five hours. Maybe I’m just naturally bound to make her cry?
“Because I…” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She shakes her head, and her eyes fly open. “Because I feel the same way.” Oh, thank God. “But what you did to Rose was vile and so cruel, it makes me afraid that maybe…” She tears her eyes away from me, and I feel my heart fracture when I realize what she was going to say.
“You’re afraid I’ll do the same thing to you,” I finish for her, swallowing the ball-sized lump in the back of my throat. She confirms by closing her eyes and sucking in her bottom lip. Fuck. This is what I was afraid of. I tug at her hands, and she hesitantly turns her head and looks through me with those big, blue eyes.
“But I swear to you, I would never hurt you like that. I know what I did was cruel and terrible, but I was young, and I never really loved her—I realize that now. Not like I love you. However, that is no excuse. But, please, you can’t hold that over my head and doubt my love for you, when all I want is you and nothing but you. You have to give me a ch—”
Her lips on mine shut me up. I’m shocked, but I don’t question this. She’s been so angry with me, I never thought she’d kiss me anytime soon. But she is, and I soak it in: the silkiness of her ribbon-shaped lips, the way her small fingers wind through my hair and tug gently, enough for me to moan into her open mouth. And the overwhelming feeling of euphoria that seeps from her gorgeous lips and into mine, filling me until I’m overflowing with her radiance. I revel in the weight being lifted off my shoulders and pull her onto my lap. I twist and lay down. She straddles my hips.
“Does this mean you forgive me?” I ask like an idiot when she kisses down my chin to my ear. Fuck! I suck in a deep breath and let out a groan when she sucks on the sensitive spot below my ear. I grab her ass and grind her body into mine.
“The past is the past. And right in this moment…” she whispers and leans back, and again, I stare at her, absorbing every last feature. Her hair, long, dark, and orange-colored by the flames casting a shadow over her beautifully sculpted face. Lips full and inviting. Eyes wide-set and holding the deepest and brightest ocean captive. Nimble fingers latched around my belt buckle, thumbs brushing against the cool metal. “I want you…all of you.”
I feel like I swallowed a padlock, and I try desperately to find the combination. Did she just…? I can’t even think properly.
“You really want to?” I sound shocked, because I am. I didn’t bring up the topic, only because I thought she wouldn’t be ready unless she felt she could truly trust me one hundred percent. And, I guess, a large part of me never thought she’d ever trust me. I wouldn’t…but here she is, putting enough trust in me to give up something so precious. Fuck, do I love this girl.
She nods slowly, and something lights in her eyes. She breaks into the biggest, breath-taking smile to ever grace this planet. “Yes, I really want to…if you want to?” She scrunches up her eyebrows, amusement lacing her dawning face.
Of fucking course I want to! I have been wanting to since the moment I saw you! my excited subconscious screams.
“Sure,” I say coolly and shrug my shoulders. Sure? What the hell was that? I sound like a fucking dork!
She raises her eyebrows in bemusement and straightens up, resting her knees between mine. “Oh, if you’re not really up for it…” She sighs like the playful little tease she is and begins to stand, smirking at me.
“Fuck that—” I grab her hips and set her on my lap. I playfully tickle her sides. She erupts into laughter, and I watch as the tiniest little creases curve around her lips and her small nose scrunches up with wrinkles. I swear, it isn’t fair I get to have this adorable, teasing, sexy girl in my lap. I truly don’t deserve her, but I did say I was selfish…
I cut off her frilly laughter by crushing my lips onto hers. She moans almost instantly into my mouth, and, smiling, I swivel so that she is lying on the cushioned chair, and I am undoing my belt. Her hands are up, and her eyes are swimming with lust. She looks so ready, yet nervous, and she’s biting her lip. Holy fuck. I fucking love it when she does that. But I also hate it because of its effect on my dick.
“Are you ready, princesa?” I ask teasingly slow as each hitch on the belt loosens until it is out and loose. Much like my cock will be very soon…
She raises her eyes from my jeans to my eyes, and she visibly swallows and nods. “For you…always.”