I thought that day, the day I found out my father had died, was the worst day of my life. I thought nothing could get worse than that.
I was wrong.
I thought the funeral might be the worst day because I had to say good-bye to the only family member who had understood me at all.
I was wrong.
Today, the day after the funeral, is the worst day. Today, everything has become real. The tears are gone but not the pain. The pain is worse, much worse than I could have ever imagined. I have no one here who can comfort me or steal my mind for just a minute.
Scarlett came to Las Vegas for the funeral, but she’s already gone back to Connecticut to finish her finals. She won’t move back here until later this week.
My mother is a mess. We got into a fight after the funeral. It was about something petty, like what to do with the donations made in my father’s honor. She can’t comfort me.
And my grandfather…I just know it’s best if I stay away from him right now.
I slump out of bed to go to my closet to look for something to wear. I should have just stayed in bed, but I couldn’t. In bed, all I thought about was how much I missed him. If I get out, maybe I will find something to distract myself. I stare at the racks of clothes hanging in my large walk-in closet that rivals the size of the one in my apartment in Connecticut. I don’t know what to wear, despite having enough clothes to clothe a small town of people.
Yesterday was easy. I just had to wear the nicest black dress I owned. But what do you wear the day after the funeral—after everyone has gone home, and all that is left are casseroles of food flooding the fridge and flowers wilting on the floor? How are either of those things supposed to make everything better?
Food…
I can’t even think about eating right now. And even if I could, we have a cook to do that for us.
And the damn flowers…
I don’t know how that tradition got started. Like flowers are going to make the pain go away. They don’t do a damn thing, except remind us of death again when the flowers wilt and die. Just like my father…except he didn’t just wilt away in old age and die in his sleep. No, he died of a heart attack at fifty years old, probably provoked because of me.
I decide to slip on jeans and a navy shirt. I walk to the mirror and run my hand through my long blonde curls. I don’t bother with makeup. I don’t know what you are supposed to wear the day after a funeral, but this is what I’ve chosen—something plain, boring, and nothing girlie, like how I usually dress.
I make my way downstairs although I don’t know what you are supposed to do the day after a funeral. Everyone has gone home, back to their lives, while we are left picking up the pieces. Everyone else has gone back to their lives, like nothing devastating just happened…when the most devastating thing in our lives just happened.
I know people always say you have to go through the different stages of grief, but that’s not true. There are no stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—they all happen at once. At least, that has been my experience during the past three days. I’ve experienced each emotion at least twice every hour.
I walk around the big house that feels completely empty. It’s not because my father’s gone. This house never felt like home to Dad. It didn’t feel like home to me either, for that matter. Dad was always home in the casinos and hotels he ran. I felt at home wherever he was, which meant I fell in love with the flashing lights of casinos and the comforts of a new hotel room. Any night I could get away from this empty mansion and be with him, I would.
I walk through the two living rooms. Why we have two, I don’t know. I also don’t understand why we have eight bedrooms when we only need three at the most—for me, my parents, and my grandfather. But, for some reason, we do.
I walk to the kitchen and open the fridge on autopilot.
The whole time, I never see anybody.
I already know where my mother is—drinking away her pain in her bedroom. If I were a better daughter, I would spend my day comforting her. But I’m not that daughter. Maybe if it were in reverse, if I had to comfort my dad over the loss of my mother, then maybe I could. But I can’t comfort my mother when I can’t even comfort myself.
I look around the room for the staff, but see nobody. They know better than to show up when they aren’t wanted. They will stay hidden until called upon.
And my grandfather is at one of the casinos, probably already trying to figure out who is going to take over the company now that my father’s dead. I know what he wants to talk to me about, but I’m not ready for that yet.
I’m not ready to be around anybody, not when I carry guilt around because of my father’s death. He died while I was out, drinking and having fun. He died while I was out, trying to sleep with a stranger. He died while worrying about me. He died because of me.
I pull out the first casserole and pop the lid open to find a bunch of green crap. I wrinkle my nose at the smell before putting it back in and pulling out a second dish. Don’t people know, if they are going to leave food, they should leave something comforting, not some healthy crap?
The second dish is mashed potatoes. I take the whole bowl and grab a spoon before heading to the basement movie theater. I don’t turn on the lights as I enter the ten-seat theater. I know where the remote is, the same place I left it on the center chair in the first row. I’m the only person who ever uses this room when I am home. It’s another useless room that we shouldn’t have.
I turn the screen on and wait for it to slowly come to life while I scoop cold potatoes into my mouth. This seems as good a place as any to spend the day after a funeral. This is where I’ll spend the worst day of my life. I’ll spend it watching movies.
The lights come on halfway through the fourth Harry Potter film. I close my eyes from the pain of the abrupt change of light. I don’t move though. It hurts to move. It hurts to think. It hurts to exist.
“Meet me in your father’s home office in five minutes,” Granddad says before he walks out of the room.
He didn’t wait for me to respond. He doesn’t have to. He already knows that I’ll follow his orders. I always do.
I count silently in my head while I keep my eyes closed. I count to two hundred and forty. I only have sixty seconds left to make it to my father’s office, the minimal amount of time I know it will take me to get there.
I crack my eyes open as I slowly get up. I place the empty bowl on the floor. Someone will get it later. I slowly climb the stairs before turning down the hallway that leads to my father’s office. It should hurt, entering my father’s office, but as I open the door, it doesn’t. It doesn’t bring back any memories of my father. However, it does bring back memories of my grandfather sitting behind the desk, scolding me, like he always does.
I love my grandfather. He has done a lot for me and even more for my family. Without him, the Felton Corporation might never have reached the heights that it has. We wouldn’t have more than enough money to take care of ourselves for dozens of lifetimes without even having to lift a finger. Granddad was the one who turned a simple casino into almost twenty properties now. He was the one who grew the empire to what it is today.
He has given me direction in my life. He was the one who got me the modeling jobs. He was the one who decided that I should go to Yale. He was the one who decided I should major in theater. He was the one who decided my whole future.
And I know why he has brought me here—to decide what comes next.
I’m usually thankful for his guidance. He’s always right. He’s even right about what he’s brought me here to tell me. I’m just not ready to hear it yet. I’m not ready to hear it on the worst day of my life. Today, I need to go back downstairs and finish watching Harry Potter. I need to feel sorry for myself. I need to feel angry with the world. I don’t need to deal with this.
“Take a seat, princess,” Granddad says, indicating for me to take a seat opposite him.
But I can’t. I’m frozen in the doorway. He called me princess. Only my father ever called me that.
Tears I didn’t even know still existed threaten to fall as my eyes fill with moisture. I thought I had cried all the tears out.
Granddad immediately realizes his mistake. His arms are quickly around me in a hug, but it doesn’t stave off the tears. They fall fast and hard. My body moves from a frozen statue into uncontrollable trembles. I feel my grandfather guide me over to a chair. I feel my body collapse into the chair, but it doesn’t stop the trembling or the tears.
He hands me a handkerchief before moving back to his seat across from me. I wipe my eyes, and then I stare at him. Nobody would know he is eighty-five years old. He looks sixty, tops. It’s the lucky Felton genes. He doesn’t work out or eat any better than I do.
“We need to talk about your future.”
I nod, expecting this.
“We need to figure out who is going to run the company.”
I nod again.
“As you already know, your father and I argued a lot. We never agreed on anything.” He sits back in his chair, smiling a little at a memory.
When he looks back at me, he frowns. He agrees with me. He thinks I’m the reason his son is dead. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.
Maybe he would if I gave him everything he ever wanted?
“But we did agree on one thing,” he continues.
I already know what that one thing is.
“That you want the company to stay in the family,” I say, completing his sentence.
His frown deepens. “Yes. Your mother isn’t capable of running the company. And, frankly, neither are you.”
Now, it’s my turn to grimace. Although I already knew that’s how he felt, it hurts to hear that my father felt the same way, that he didn’t have any more confidence in my abilities than my grandfather did, that I was never even considered for the job even though I was family. I’m the only heir to the empire.
“We all agreed that what is best for the company is that you marry someone who is capable of running the company—a man your father and I would choose after years of scrutiny.”
I nod. I already knew all of this. It’s why I never really dated. It doesn’t matter whom I want to be with. It only matters who is best for the company. I’ve been told enough times to know that and that it would eventually happen. I’ll marry for my family, not for love.
It’s always been years into the future though. I’m only twenty-one. I haven’t even officially graduated yet. I haven’t even met the guys my father and grandfather have been considering. I haven’t tested out the guys myself to at least make sure whomever they might choose would be a good fit.
“Well…” Granddad pauses, like it’s hard for him to say the next words because he knows how much I’ll hate them. “We found him.”
My mouth falls open. I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t know he and my father had already chosen a man for me. I thought I still had time left.
“You’ll meet him tomorrow.”
I nod. It’s all I can do.
“And then you’ll marry him in six months.”
My eyes grow wide at his words. Six months? I can’t marry someone I’ve never met in six months. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to tell if I like the guy in six months. I won’t even be over mourning my father in that amount of time.
“I can’t…” I whisper. The words feel strange falling from my mouth. I don’t think I’ve ever said those words to any member of my family, even my mother. I’ve always been the good girl following their every order. I’ve always been their princess who never disobeys. Right now, I don’t know if I can ever be that girl again.
Granddad walks over to me and rests his hand on my shoulder. It’s meant to be comforting, except that it’s not.
I can’t get married in six months. I just can’t. A few years maybe. That was always the plan—do the modeling and acting thing for a little longer, and then in my late twenties, they would match me with a guy who they felt was capable of running the company but would also be a good match for me. We would date like normal people and then marry by the time we were thirty.
I’m only twenty-one. That’s nowhere near thirty. And I can’t focus on anything right now, except my father being gone.
“Oh, sweetie, you can.”
I incredulously stare up at him. I don’t know how he can focus on anything, except his son being gone, right now, but I guess the company comes first. It always comes first.
“I…I don’t think so.” My eyes beg for him to change his mind, to understand that I’m not ready to get married. I don’t even know who I am yet or what I want in life.
“I’m sorry. I know we all wanted to wait until you were older, but it’s time. I’m not getting any younger. I need to know that the company is in the right hands before I go.”
I tuck my long strands behind my ear. I can’t believe he is talking about his own death right now. I nervously run my hands through my hair over and over.
“I’m not ready,” I say without meeting his eyes. I can’t face disappointing him again.
“Yes, you are. You’re beautiful. You were born to marry a man who can run the Felton empire. Once you are married, you will see it was the right thing to do. You will feel taken care of. You will finally feel like you have found your place in this world.”
I let my eyes glance up at him for just a second. I see honesty. His eyes are filled with honesty.
“Maybe,” I say weakly.
His face brightens. “Yes,” he says.
“Yes,” I repeat on autopilot.
“The meeting is tomorrow at eleven a.m. at the Felton Grand on the strip.”
“Yes,” I say again. I stand up without looking him in the eyes. I walk out of the door without looking back.
I walk back to the basement, back to my haven. This time, when I slump into the chair, I don’t feel an ounce of comfort. In fact, I feel nothing. Sitting here, watching movies the rest of the day, isn’t going to help anymore. I won’t be able to zone out of them again. I just promised my grandfather that I would marry a complete stranger in six months. I’ve never broken a promise before, and I don’t plan on starting now.
I just don’t know what I want.
I think of everything I’ve been told I want—money, clothes, a modeling career, an acting career, and an intelligent husband who will run the company in order to give me even more money. But not one of those things has ever made me happy. I try to think about things that have made me happy—my family and Scarlett. But that leaves me with fewer answers.
I know what I don’t want.
I don’t want a modeling career.
I don’t want an acting career.
I don’t want to marry a complete stranger.
I try to think of my happiest memory with my dad. It was on my eighteenth birthday. It coincided with my high school graduation. He took me to a casino in California, one I could legally gamble at. He taught me how to play blackjack and how to count cards. We won—a lot. It wasn’t the winning that made it fun. It was learning something from my father. It was the confidence he displayed in me when he gave me high amounts of money to place a bet that I would win because I was capable. It was one of the only times I felt he was proud of me for something other than my looks.
The line I will never forget my father saying to me is, “No one would ever suspect you of counting cards. You’re too pretty.”
It was that day that I learned that my beauty was a weapon that could be used to my advantage. I just have never learned how to harness it.
I head to my room to grab my shoes and purse to head to a casino, to find a happy memory…because, tomorrow, I’ll meet the man I’m going to marry. Tomorrow, I’ll have to face the fact that I don’t get to decide my own future, but I don’t have to today. I still have a chance to make today better. I was wrong. Today isn’t the worst day of my life. Tomorrow probably will be, so I’m going to make the most of my last night of freedom.