I looked right into Harry’s eyes and shook my head. “I’m not sure I can do it.”
He widened his in return and very quickly squeezed my hand before realizing what he’d done. He withdrew it like I was contagious and stuffed it into his jeans pocket. “You can. I believe in you. We all do.”
I hated that I was disappointed at Harry’s new, appropriate behaviour. Ever since I’d screamed at him in my bedroom two weeks ago he’d totally stopped flirting. And it was totally bugging me. But I didn’t have time to think about that as I somehow had to transform fully from human to zombie in only one take. I was finding it hard enough shooting scenes out of sequence. Add in the pressure of this particular moment, and my brain acting all confused by Harry’s professional-only behaviour, and things weren’t good.
I swallowed and looked up at the crew around me.
“You’ve totally got this,” Jay said. “Honestly, those fake blood capsules taste so foul that you’ll hardly need to act. Your face will pull all kinds of weird shit all by itself.” He looked so smart in his tux, for now. I was about to rip his intestines out of his stomach though, and that would involve a lot of corn syrup.
I glanced down at my perfect wedding dress. Harry had blown a lot of budget buying two decent-looking bridal gowns for this one scene. “An heir and a spare,” he’d laughed – but I knew he was really hoping he wouldn’t need the spare.
“You’re going to be great,” Harry insisted. “Don’t worry. We still have a back-up dress if necessary, but you won’t need it.”
Our eyes met again. Damn I was nervous. But the moment was interrupted by Rosie, standing over by the lights saying, “Can we just do this already?”
I didn’t know why I was freaking out so much. I’d only ever acted onstage, I wasn’t used to the luxury of multiple takes anyway. I’d been trained to get it right first time. But this scene… The turning scene was so key to the film and I could tell Harry was nervous. He’d smoked way too many cigarettes and kept looking at his watch. We only had three hours to film everything before we both had to work. I’d never seen anyone care about anything as much as he cared about this scene, and his nerves were infectious.
“Right, I think I’m ready,” I said to my reflection.
I regretted saying it instantly because I could feel I wasn’t the bride. I was still Audrey. Audrey worrying that she wasn’t going to pull it off. I had to crush a black blood capsule in my teeth, spit it all down my front, die, then turn into a zombie – all with an extreme close-up on just my face. Harry claimed doing any other shot would be a “waste of my talent” but it was a hell of a lot of trust to put in me and my face.
“Is everyone in their places?” Harry called. “Rob? Lights.” The lights blasted on, instantly making my face hot.
“Rosie? Sound?”
“It’s on,” she drawled, sounding bored.
“Audrey? You got your blood capsule?”
I turned round to smile with it between my teeth – acting like I was fine, like I was in the zone. Which was ironic because I wasn’t in the acting zone at all. Oh God, if I messed this up we’d have to get me all cleaned up and put the other wedding dress on and then I REALLY would be down to my last shot and what if I messed that shot up even more? And…
“ACTION!” Harry barked.
The room fell quiet. I had my head down, because I was about to look up in the mirror and see my face changing (we were going to CGI that in later). Then I had to burst the capsule and ruin the dress and act my bloody heart out – but she wasn’t there. The cameras were rolling but the bride wasn’t there. Bollocks, I’d just have to try anyway. I looked up at my reflection and tried to imagine my face changing, imagine how that felt. I still wasn’t feeling the bride… But I carried on… And I was about to bite down, I was about to ruin the dress when…
“WAIT!”
Harry’s voice.
“Cut cut cut cut cut!” he yelled, stepping out from behind his camera.
“What? What is it?” I asked, almost choking on my capsule.
“Something’s up. I can see it in your face. Let’s go talk.”
I went red. Embarrassed that Harry had noticed my hesitation. He was already marching out of LouLou’s flat onto her little patio and all I could do was stand up and shuffle after him. I caught Rosie’s eye on the way and she gave me a smug look, like she’d always thought I wouldn’t be good enough. I stumbled outside to find Harry lighting another cigarette.
“What is it?” I asked, though I already knew.
He sucked in, paused for a moment then exhaled. “What’s going on, Audrey? You weren’t there, I could see it.”
I bit my lip and wrapped my arms around myself. “I was…” I started to protest then I shook my head. “Okay, you got me. I wasn’t there.”
“I knew it.”
“How are you so intuitive?”
I expected him to make a crack about being good with girls or something but he didn’t. Just like he’d not made any flirtatious jokes since I’d yelled at him that time. Instead he took another drag and said, “I’m a good director, that’s all. I can see something is up. Now, what is it?”
It was so cold outside my jaw was already shaking. “I don’t know, I just… I don’t know where she went. The zombie bride…” I tried to smile. “She’s gone AWOL.”
“Why?” he asked quietly.
It took me a moment to find the answer. The reason I felt so foggy. For one, I was exhausted. Mum had started talks with her lawyer yet again and kept coming home crying. Two, I’d felt it harder than I thought I would when I didn’t audition for Guys and Dolls.
“I have a lot going on…” I said eventually. “You know? Some of the stuff I told you the other week.” Because I didn’t know up from down, left from right, right from wrong. I didn’t know what was fair or unfair, what was forgivable or unforgivable. “I just feel all over the place. Usually I can push that to one side when I’m acting, but it’s not working today.”
“Right.” Harry finished his cigarette and stubbed it out against the wall. “Have you thought maybe it’s good that you feel like that today? For this particular scene?”
“What do you mean?”
He looked right into my eyes. “I mean use it, Audrey. Whatever’s going on, use it. You feel like something has died? Use it. In this scene everything you know is dying, you are dying. Put that in there. Feel it. Release it. Bleed on us.”
I thought quietly about what he’d said and I had to look away because of how his eye contact made me feel. “Well, that’s the other thing,” I admitted. “I’m worried about ruining the dress. I mean, I know it cost a lot and we’ve only really got this one take and I’m feeling the pressure, I guess.”
At that, Harry let out a laugh. “You’re worried about letting me down?”
I nodded.
He reached out, like he was about to squeeze my hand again but then stopped in mid-air and bent his elbow to run his hands through his mad hair. “Have I fully explained how screwed this movie would be if you hadn’t turned up, Audrey? I mean, Rosie is one of my best friends, and she has an encyclopedic knowledge of zombie theory, but the girl can’t act. And, love Rob as I do, I don’t think he could’ve pulled off shoving on a wig and some false eyelashes and being the bride. I still can’t believe my luck that you’ve showed up in my life…” He stumbled and looked away. “Whatever you do will be great. Whatever you do, I’ll be grateful for it. Stop worrying about letting us down and just use it all.” He looked up again. “Just use it.”
It was weird. What he was telling me was basic acting advice, but it was like I was hearing it for the first time. Because I hadn’t thought to harness this particular pain. The pain of Dad leaving, the pain of Milo then also leaving. I’d put it in a box and locked it up and then put the box at the back of the cupboard and then locked the cupboard and then set fire to the cupboard. I was too scared of unleashing it. Too scared that it would destroy me, that it would become an insatiable beast that would devour me whole.
“I’m scared that using it will be ugly,” I admitted.
His face broke into his wide grin, his teeth almost dazzling. “Which would be a problem in a romance film, Audrey, but this is a zombie film. I want you ugly. I need you ugly.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
I nodded again. “Okay, let’s do this.”
I felt jittery as he steered me back.
Rosie shot me yet another smug look. “You done?”
And I felt a jolt of anger at her. I mean, I’d apologized about taking her part a million times and tried so hard to be friendly. I’d asked her endless questions about zombies, saying grovelling things like, “Wow, you’re such an expert, it’s really cool,” while she rolled her eyes. But, right then, rather than burying the twinge of anger, I let it grow in me. I felt my fingertips tingle. I needed this pain, I needed this anger. Harry was right.
“Were you guys kissing out there?” Jay asked, but Harry told him to shut up right away.
“Audrey, are you ready?”
I was confused, annoyed that Harry didn’t want to entertain the joke of us kissing. And I didn’t understand where that confusion came from. So now I was scared and angry and confused and in pain and, actually, when I heard him call, “AAAAND ACTION!” I was exactly what I needed to be for the zombie bride to take over.