It was freezing cold as I ran through the quiet suburban streets, but I hardly noticed. I passed two women and they both screamed as I dashed by. It took me a moment to realize I was still in full zombie bride get-up – streaked with fake blood and now real blood, my make-up halfway down my face from crying. The rage spurred me on through the night, my feet finding a rhythm as they thudded the pavement. I didn’t even pause as I got to the gravel driveway – just skidded down it and thumped hard against the door.
Jessie tentatively opened the door a crack, her mouth falling open when she saw me.
I pushed the door open wider. “Are you happy now, you HOMEWRECKING WHORE?” I screamed, pushing into their hallway. “Mum’s in hospital. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?”
Her eyes were wide with shock, disbelief. I used it to launch a further attack. “Do you think you’re different? That you’re not like other women? That you’re special compared to my mum? ‘Ooooh’,” my voice was screaming and high-pitched, “‘isn’t she pathetic? Hasn’t she let herself go? I’ll never let myself get like that. No wonder he left her’.”
Dad arrived in the hallway in his pyjama bottoms. “Audrey, what’s going on?”
“I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU, I’M TALKING TO YOUR SLUT OF A WIFE.”
Jessie’s face jerked back, too stunned to reply.
Dad wasn’t. “Don’t you DARE talk to Jessie like that. And keep your voice down, the twins are asleep.”
I spun to him. “I DON’T CARE!” I screamed, so loud it hurt my lungs. “Mum’s in hospital, HOSPITAL, because of you! Because you couldn’t just rip out her heart, could you? That wasn’t enough. To bunk up with this homewrecking bitch and pretend to be father of the fucking YEAR when you were already a dad, you were already a husband. No, you want to take HER HOME on top of that. She gave you EVERYTHING, Dad. And THIS is how you repay her?”
He stood taller, his fists clenched like mine. The same blood as mine pumping through him. But I’d never be like him, I’d never hurt anyone the way he’d hurt us.
“Audrey, you cannot come into my house and do this. Apologize to Jessie, now!”
I crossed my arms and mock laughed. “I’d rather die than say sorry to you.”
She was standing there, vacant, placid, passive. Just how Dad liked his women, it seemed.
“AUDREY!”
I spun back to him. “How can you love her, Dad? A woman who doesn’t mind breaking up a marriage? Who then tries to strip that family for everything she can get?”
“AUDREY, I’M WARNING YOU.”
Jessie was inching further and further towards Dad, like he was a defensive spell.
She was smiling…the bitch was smiling.
“And how can you love him?” I screamed. “A man who cheats on his wife? Who fucks up the family he is supposed to raise? Who is so quick to break his FUCKING VOWS. How can you love that? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BOTH?”
A loud wail belted out from down the hall. I’d woken one of the twins.
Jessie narrowed her eyes and ignored everything I’d said. “Look what you’ve done now.” She actually rolled her eyes before retreating to the twins’ bedroom. I heard her say “Hush” and crank up the musical mobile while Dad and I squared off at each other like we were in a Western shootout.
I hated him then.
I hated Jessie, but I hated him more. For what he’d done, for how little he seemed to care.
“Audrey.” His voice was calmer. “I want you to apologize, and then I want you to leave. We can talk about this another time when you’ve calmed down.”
“Don’t you even care about Mum? She’s in hospital!”
One shake of his head. “Your mother and her…drama is not my concern any more.”
“YOU CAUSED HER FUCKING DRAMA.”
The crying got louder from the other room.
“KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.”
I shook my head. “Dad. You can’t. You just…can’t… expect me to accept everything. Jessie. What you’ve done. How you’ve treated Mum. You’ve got to put us first sometimes. We’re still your family!” My voice broke and I shouted to stop the tears flowing. “I’M STILL YOUR DAUGHTER, DAD, DON’T TAKE THE HOUSE. DON’T DO THIS. DON’T CHOOSE THAT BITCH OVER US.”
“Careful, Audrey.” Dad’s voice crackled with tension. He crossed his arms, looking bored now, rather than angry. Bored was worse. The crying softened behind him, Jessie’s voice cooing a lullaby. “Don’t ask me to choose between you and Jessie,” he whispered sharply. He paused for impact. “Because I’ll choose her.”
Jessie came out cradling Albert, patting him on her shoulder, smiling with a wince. Dad stepped forward, like a protective bear, blocking me from getting to her.
I wilted.
The words, their meaning, hitting me like bullets. I choose her. I choose her over you, my child.
And I realized that had been the case from the beginning. He hadn’t even tried to juggle the two families. He’d just jumped into another one, leaving us behind, like we were an old pair of trainers. He wasn’t just a slave to his feelings of love, he’d made a conscious choice to throw us away. To practically delight in throwing us away. I shook my head, tilted my chin back to not let my tears spill. Not yet. I would not give him the satisfaction.
“You two deserve each other,” I said quietly, honestly. Then I turned. I needed to get home for Mum, to be there when she got back. Because we still existed. His love for Mum had created me and Dougie and we still fucking existed – even if maybe now he wished we didn’t.
“I’ll see you out.”
He walked me down the hallway of their perfectly adequately sized home. Jessie followed him, cradling Albert still. I could only interpret it as a gloat. God knows why she felt the need – when she’d already won everything that meant anything from me.
“Goodbye, Audrey,” she said, still with a smile on her face. And it was goodbye. Because I would not come back to this house again. I would not give my love to this man any more. That was my choice.
Just as I got to the threshold, I stopped and turned back. Matching her smile. “Be careful, Jessie,” I said. “All I can say is, if he did it to Mum, he can do it to you. The years are long. See how much he loves you in ten years’ time, see if he gives you everything he’s promised.”
Dad’s face soured. “Audrey, that’s quite enough…”
And the door shut in my face.
I couldn’t figure out if it was him who had pushed it shut, or her.
It didn’t matter.
I stood there, gulping for breath, the cold night hurting my lungs. Blinking back the tears. There was no love for me here.
So I gathered up the skirts of my battered wedding dress and made my way home.