He’s tall. He’s dark. He’s trouble. He just CAN’T COMMIT, you know? He wants to play the field, and the field next to it. Hell, he wants to play in EVERY SINGLE SEX MEADOW THAT HE CAN. Nothing and no one can change his ways. He’s a Bad Boy. A sexy Bad Boy. Because, let’s face it, you can only get away with being a Bad Boy if you’re the sort of good-looking that doesn’t actually occur much in real life.
But then Bad Boy meets that girl. This one girl. Who – for inexplicable reasons – makes him want to change his ways. He REFORMS for her. She is special. She is different from the other girls…
I was woken by my phone ringing.
“Huh?” I said, instead of hello, my head still under the duvet. The house was quiet – Mum not up yet. The heating wasn’t on and it was freezing.
“Audrey? I didn’t wake you, did I?” It was Ma’s voice. All calm and clipped and of-course-she’s-this-awake-at-9-a.m.-on-a-Saturday. I found myself sitting up in bed, like she could see me.
“Oh no. I’ve been up for ages. I just got back from a run.”
“Riiight,” Ma said, unconvinced.
“Is there a problem?”
“Yes, actually. Not a big one though. I was just wondering if you minded doing a double shift today? I know you’re new and you’re not supposed to start until five. But they need a manager at our sister branch and I need someone to cover the load at Flicker. Could you come in at midday instead?”
Today…
I was supposed to be having a massively awkward and emotionally-damaging conversation with Dad today.
“Yep. I can do it. Was it twelve you said?”
“Oh…” Ma sounded like she didn’t know what to do with my compliance. “That’s very helpful, thank you, Audrey. Harry and LouLou will be there to look after you, so don’t worry. And I’ll write you up some instructions before I leave. You’ll like LouLou, she’s an old-timer.”
Oh God, so probably just like you.
“Sounds great.”
Ma hung up without saying goodbye.
I grabbed my uniform, which was still crumpled on the floor where I’d left it the other night. I looked at myself in the mirror and scowled. My hair fell long and dank around my face. I just about had time to wash and dry it – which always took for ever because it was so long. I hung my work top on the back of the bathroom door so the steam from the shower would iron out the worst of the creases. Then I shoved some toast and Marmite down myself and dabbed some make-up on. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t putting make-up on in case Milo turned up – but I knew that was a lie.
Just before I set off, I checked in on Mum. She’d migrated from sofa to bed at some point during the night, and she was all huddled up in her duvet, still only sleeping on her side of the bed.
“Mum?”
She rolled over. “Audrey? What is it?” Her eyes fluttered open.
“I’m going to work, they want me to come in early. I won’t be home until late, is that okay?”
“What…” She yawned, and her stale breath floated into my face. “What time is it?”
“Almost eleven.”
“Oh.” And she didn’t remark on how late it was at all. She just turned over. “Well, have fun, Audrey.” Her head went back under the duvet.
It was raining out – undoing all the hard work I’d put into de-minging my hair. The wind was proper howling, the rain lashing against my hood as I stomped through puddles, soaking my jeans up to the knees, letting the elements blow away all my guilty feelings about leaving Mum for the day. I sent a message to Dougie, not sure what good it would do.
Audrey: Mum’s having a bad day. Again. I’m working. Can you call her?
The high street was mostly empty, the bad weather putting everyone off venturing out. I steered my way past the odd determined buggy-pusher, feeling jealous of all the toddlers who get to be pushed around under those snug plastic covers, and dodged down an alleyway to Flicker.
There was a sign on the staff door in scrawled handwriting. Enter at your own peril.
“What the hell?” I pulled it off the Blu-Tack holding it up.
All the lights were off inside. The quietness jarred with the howling winds outside.
“Hello?” I called.
Silence.
“Harry? LouLou?” Even though I had no idea who LouLou was.
There was a clattering by the bar. I looked around for signs of life, but all I could hear was the wind hissing at the windows.
“I know you’re here. You left a note on the door,” I called.
I spotted a foot poking out from behind the bar. A blue Converse. I walked towards it and found Harry slumped on the ground, lifeless. Face down.
“Harry?” He didn’t say anything. I bent down gingerly. Knowing it was a wind-up but still feeling freaked.
I rolled him over and screamed.
His face was covered in blood – what was left of it. Half of it seemed to be chewed off. His T-shirt was ripped and splattered with gore.
A loud crash behind me and this…thing emerged from the kitchen. I screamed louder – pure real terror forcing its way out my vocal chords. It was wearing a ragged wedding dress, the skin behind the veil all grey and gruesome. It staggered towards me and I screamed again, falling backwards over Harry’s foot.
That’s when the laughing started.
“Got you!” Harry lurched upright like he had rigor mortis. “Shit, are you okay, Audrey?”
I was crouched in a ball, panting for breath. “That. Wasn’t. Funny.”
The zombie bride pulled up her veil. “Hi, I’m LouLou. Sorry, we’re just testing out Harry’s new stage make-up.”
“Stage make-up?”
Harry clambered to his feet, looking very dead but also very pleased with himself. He held out his hand to help pull me up but I shook my head.
“Sorry, it’s my fault,” LouLou said. She did look sorry now that she’d lifted her veil. “I’m the assistant manager. I get a bit, well, overexcited when Ma’s not here.”
And I warmed to her the moment she mentioned Ma in a negative way.
Harry shrugged at my hand reject and ruffled his already-mussed hair. I stood up, not quite looking at him.
“No, it’s my fault,” he said. “Sorry, Audrey. I make zombie movies and I wanted to try out this new kit.”
“Isn’t the cinema about to open?”
LouLou shrugged. “Probably. Who cares? What’s important is that we scared you shitless!”
“I did not lose my shit,” I protested. “I was just confused.”
“Oh come on, Audrey,” Harry said. “We got you.”
“I still can’t believe you did that to me when I’m new.”
LouLou completely removed her veil, revealing pink hair. “You’re right, sorry. As I said, we got…”
“Overexcited, I get it.” I was trying to stay grumpy but it was hard. Harry had managed to win my eye contact and was grinning that gravitational-pull smile.
“Let me wash this off.” LouLou made her way to the staff bathroom. “Thanks for covering today, Audrey. Harry, can you make the guacamole?”
“Ahh, Ma said she left me instructions?” I called after her and I heard sniggering behind me.
“Ha, yes she has. They’re upstairs in the staffroom.” LouLou laughed too.
“What? What is it?”
“Just go see for yourself.”
She vanished into the loos and I was left with Harry, who was using some of the kitchen paper to mop his face.
“How are your stress levels?” he asked, still grinning.
“I’ll recover. So, you make zombie movies, huh?”
“Yep. I’m making one right now. Well, I’m trying to. It’s taking for ever because I’m not sure what sort of film it’s supposed to be yet and I can’t find a good enough zombie bride.”
“Why zombies?” I asked.
He was smearing blood further across his face, rather than washing it off. I grabbed a paper towel, wet it under the tap and handed it to him.
“Thank you. And, the real question is, why not zombies, Audrey? If you’re going to do anything, you need to ask yourself – would this situation benefit from adding zombies? The answer is almost always ‘yes’.”
His napkin was already smothered in red syrup, so I wet another one and handed it over. “I asked Dougie about you.”
He grinned, focusing on getting a big smear off his eyebrow. “And…”
“He warned me off you. Said you were trouble.”
Harry’s face didn’t show even a hint of surprise and I knew Dougie was onto something. “That’s not very friendly of him.”
Harry was too busy cleaning himself to make the guacamole, so I shoved my rucksack on the floor and got out the avocados.
“So what sort of trouble are you?” I asked, washing my hands before I started. “The I’m-still-in-love-with-my-ex kind? The I-have-mummy-issues kind? The I-secretly-have-low-self-esteem kind? Or, my personal favourite, the Just-because-I-can kind?”
Harry looked totally unoffended. “I just don’t know why Dougie would say that about me.” He grinned so wide his teeth almost blinded me.
“Ahh, come on, Harry. You even charmed Ma. God, you’re not going to get that stuff off with napkins. Go have a wash in the bathroom.”
Another huge grin. “Thanks, Mum.”
I mashed avocado while the two of them cleaned themselves up. LouLou emerged first, looking totally different. She now had a full face of eyeliner and a lip-piercing I hadn’t spotted behind the veil. I guessed she was around twenty-five.
“Sorry about that,” she said. “Harry convinced me it would be hilarious. He’s very good at convincing people about things.” She saw me squeezing limes. “Isn’t Harry supposed to be doing that?”
“He had to go wash.”
“You see?” LouLou perched on the bar, swinging her legs under it. “He’s convinced you to do a job he was supposed to be doing, without you even realizing it. That’s Harry all over.”
“Sorry. I’ll go check Ma’s rota, see what I’m supposed to do.”
LouLou grimaced and shook her head. “Screw the rota. It’s very simple. You do what you did last shift.”
“She didn’t let me do anything other than make the food last shift. She said I shouldn’t run before I could walk.”
LouLou let out a huge sigh then jumped off the counter. “For Christ’s sake, that woman! None of it is rocket science. Here, let me show you.”
Harry eventually came out, only a hint of red left on his face. It frustrated me that his wet hair made my belly do a thing.
“Only ten minutes till opening and you’re going to have to show people to their seats,” he said. “Do you think you can handle the pressure?”
I stuck my tongue out. “Tell me again why they need showing to their seats? There’s literally one aisle that goes in a straight line. And they either sit on the left or right of it. I mean they’ve managed to drive themselves here and all – but they need someone to say ‘Walk down this only available path’?”
“You know what?” LouLou said, from behind the cloud of popping corn. “I’ve never thought of it like that before. You should inform Ma. Tell her it would improve efficiency.”
Harry shook his head. “She couldn’t handle it. Just think what it would mean for The Rota.”
“You’re right,” LouLou said. “Her head would actually explode.”
To prove their point, Harry and LouLou dragged me up to the staffroom – Harry unnecessarily taking my hand as he did so. There, on the table, was what looked like a twenty-page dossier.
For Audrey Winters, the top page said. I picked it up, reading it under my breath.
“Here are the five key stages of ticket selling. Number one, greet the customer. Initial friendly contact is integral to customer relations. Number two, ask the customer what they would like. This empowers the customer. Number three, always provide what the customer asks… Oh my God, guys? Is this a pisstake?”
Harry jabbed at the page. “You’ve missed out number four. Remember to breathe. Breathing is integral to a human’s ability to maintain maximum living potential. I have booked in 0.25 of each second into your rota to allow you to inhale and exhale. If you die during your shift, I will dock your pay.”
I giggled, the paper shaking.
LouLou took the page off me and pretended to read it aloud. “You must check the rota every hour, in case your duties have changed. If they have, update the rota accordingly to ensure management knows exactly what you’re doing and when. Even if there is a huge queue of screaming customers, do not deal with them unless the rota tells you to.”
Harry grabbed it off her, his eyes watering with laughter. “If you are unable to perform all your daily tasks because you’re too busy looking at the fucking rota, do not blame the rota. It is your fault you are not, literally, a human rota.”
We were laughing so hard that we initially didn’t hear the door knock. Not until someone tried again.
Harder. “What was that?” LouLou said.
“More zombies?” I suggested.
We descended the stairs to see a long line of harassed parents and kids outside the front door.
“Excuse me,” a mum called through the glass. “Aren’t you supposed to be open?”
“Ah, bollocks pissing bollocks,” LouLou said. “I forgot to open up.”
And we scrambled for the doors.