The girls were waiting for me when I got back to the common room – displaying a respectable amount of animosity for the presence of Her. It made me feel guilty for having nasty thoughts about them earlier. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty. I wondered how much the world would change if the people who should actually feel guilty in life did feel guilty.
“I hate her new haircut,” Charlie said, instead of hello, as I slumped next to them on the squishy sofa. I was trying to keep Milo and Her out of my eyeline but they were with the rest of the Drama people – being loud and obnoxious. It was like they couldn’t un-learn how to project their voices. And you can, I would know.
Alice gave me one of her hugs that always last a tiny bit too long. “Her fringe looks deranged,” she stage-whispered into my ear.
“She can’t pull it off,” Becky confirmed, nodding her head seriously.
I gave a thin smile, trying to see this for what it was – good friends comforting another friend. I couldn’t understand why they were still being friendly this term when I’d spent the whole summer mostly ignoring their calls and closing the curtains on the sunshine. But I said, “Thanks, guys,” in my numb voice. The one I wished wouldn’t keep seeping out of me when I was around them. When I was around most people actually.
Charlie moved her chair, blocking my view of the Drama lot and – for that at least – I was grateful. Charlie was pissed off with her new boyfriend, Nick, who went to the big college, because he hadn’t replied to her last message and it had been almost twelve hours. I found myself nodding, responding, listening. But more like I was a TV and someone had pointed a remote at me and punched the NOD! RESPOND! LISTEN! buttons. They dissected every single possible reason why Nick hadn’t got back to her – from the state of his Wi-Fi signal to, eventually, how his family treated him in childhood.
“I think it’s because his mum has always been tough, you know? So he finds it hard to show love.”
Or Nick is a bit of a cock…
I didn’t say that. I just played with my long hair.
“Audrey? Audrey?”
“Huh?” I looked up. The three of them stared at me, wearing the look they always wore these days. The look that said I Wasn’t Joining In and therefore they were Worried About Me.
“What do you think, Audrey?”
“Umm, sorry, I wasn’t listening properly,” I admitted. I saw a twinge of pain cross Charlie’s face – at my not caring, at my zoning out, at me not being the Audrey they’ve known for so long.
“I didn’t mean to bore you,” she said.
My stomach twisted in on itself, guilt, guilt, guilt – Jesus Mother of Crapcakes, was it my curse to always feel guilt?
Becky coughed, Alice blushed. The awkwardness fell like sleet from the ceiling.
I shook my head. “Sorry, I’m distracted.” I tried to smile, and Charlie tried to smile too. Tight ones we didn’t mean. “I didn’t sleep much. My mum, well, she didn’t have a good night. I think she’s having a relapse or something, if that’s the right word.” Charlie’s smile grew fatter and she moved over in her chair. Ready to be a friend. A friend I didn’t deserve.
“Oh, Audrey, why didn’t you tell us?” she asked. “What’s happened? You shouldn’t just let me drone on about Nick.”
“No. You weren’t droning on. It’s nothing.”
Guilty about using Mum as an excuse. Guilty that I was being a dick in the first place. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Charlie’s empty space meant I could see Milo and my eyes went straight for him, like they always did. He caught my eye, just for a second. And, in that second, we were in my bedroom, with my music on and my clothes off and my mum not in and his hands were tracing down the sides of my waist and he was whispering that I was beautiful…
Becky came in for a hug too. I could smell the chemical tang of her hairspray. “What happened? Is it something with your dad?” she asked.
“It’s…it’s…”
I didn’t want to be here. In this stuffy common room, in this stuffy school, in this stuffy sixth form stuffed with people too scared to go to the proper college. I didn’t want to give the girls a reason for me being difficult, I just wanted to be difficult. I was so fed up of being amenable to everybody. I didn’t want to tell them about the house. I didn’t want them to ask me questions about what that meant when I didn’t know the answers. I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me when they should be feeling angry at me for being such a judgemental bunch of crap to hang out with.
Just then, Leroy sauntered through the doors, hand in hand with Ian. I stood up.
“Audrey? Where you going?” Becky asked.
“Audrey, you can tell us,” Alice said.
“Sorry, it’s just…Leroy. I have to talk to him about something.”
I didn’t say goodbye, just sort of left and walked over to Leroy. I let the guilt burst the dam and flow through me, feeling like the world’s worst person. And Leroy, sensing it, greeted me by kissing me on both cheeks.
“Leroy, seriously, calm the gay down. I’ve said hi to you already.” I gave Ian a quick hug hello.
“I’ve told him a million times that he does nothing to challenge the stereotypes of Drama Club,” Ian said, and I laughed. He and Leroy had been together since A Midsummer Night’s Dream last Christmas – where Leroy played Puck and Ian the understudy. “But I was the one who got to under…study him,” Leroy always joked. I’d played Titania; Milo was Oberon, of course. God, it had been the happiest of winters. High on love, snatching kisses between scenes. Just as I was reminiscing, feeling my heart get heavier with each beat, Milo and Courtney (Her) sauntered past us, his arm over her shoulder.
“All right?” he nodded at us and I was rendered temporarily incapable. My arm moved up in this odd-frozen half wave and I coupled it with a toothy grin that I’m sure made me look like a constipated bear.
“All right?” Leroy replied, because that’s how normal people behave. “You auditioning for Guys and Dolls next week?”
“Of course, of course,” Milo said. His arm hadn’t once left Her shoulder. I took a step behind Ian, like his body could protect me from emotional pain. “Who you reading for?” Milo asked Leroy, barely acknowledging me.
“I’m not sure yet. Maybe Nicely Nicely. And you? Let me guess…”
“Sky Masterson,” Milo interrupted, not getting the joke. He grinned, in that pretend-humble way I’m sure he’d practised in the mirror. “How about you guys?” He gestured to me and Ian and it felt like a thousand needles flew out from his fingers and embedded themselves into my guts. You guys? I’m just one of “you guys”? Ian was talking and I stood there frozen – thinking, This is my revenge for being rude to the girls. I deserve this.
“How about you, Audrey?” Courtney asked me. “You’re still auditioning, right?”
I forced myself to look at her. Even despite the vaguely-unfortunate new fringe, she looked amazing. Her bright red lipstick, her perfect eyeliner flicks, that mole just above her lip.
“Oh, me?” Bugger, bugger, bugger. I couldn’t talk to them. I’d promised myself I’d never talk to them. “I’m not doing the play this year,” I managed to garble out.
Both of them looked shocked. Maybe Courtney looked relieved? I mean I guess, until recently, I was Drama Club’s golden girl, the shoo-in for every lead going. Our old Drama Head refused to even speak to me when I quit.
“Why not, Audrey?” Milo asked, casually.
I mean, why wouldn’t he be all casual? It’s not like he’d looked at me this one time, walking home from school, with the light shining behind him and stopped me and said, “Audrey, I can’t not say it any more, I love you…”
“I’ve got a job.” I shrugged. All shruggy shrug. “It conflicts with rehearsals and it’s not like I’m doing Drama any more. I work at Flicker Cinema now.”
“No way,” Courtney said. “I love that place. Like, I never knew I needed cinnamon dust in my life before I went there.”
I nodded like a nodding dog who had a gun pointed at the back of its head and was told it would get shot unless it kept on nodding. “Don’t forget the pulled pork hot dogs.” I sounded like I worked in Disneyland. “So, yeah, too busy for the play this year. The cinema’s great though. You guys should totally come.”
Why was I saying that? What was wrong with me?
Milo looked dubious, but Her eyes lit up. “Amazing, we so should! Could you get us a discount?”
“Yeah, of course!” WHY DID I KEEP TALKING?
“Isn’t the new Dick Curtisfield out? Milo, we should SO go this weekend.”
No no no no no no no no no.
“Maybe,” was all Milo said. Making me breathe a sigh of relief. Though I’d still spend all tomorrow panicking that he’d turn up.
They began to saunter off and I wilted into Leroy, who reached over and squeezed my fingers.
“Hang on,” Ian called after them. “Who you auditioning for, Courtney?”
She stopped, turned, smiled. “Adelaide, I think. I would love to do ‘Take Back Your Mink’.”
My stomach kicked. Of COURSE she’d be Adelaide. The sexy part. Because she was sexy and I was not, which was why Milo was with Her and not me.
Leroy raised an eyebrow. “Whoa, big part. Good thing Audrey isn’t auditioning.”
We all gasped, myself included. My face went hot. Courtney’s eyes flashed with anger but Milo was already there, pulling her in closer, kissing her head.
“She’s going to smash it,” he told us and steered her away. He caught my eye one last time, like this was all my fault.
A sudden flash, of him kissing my neck, of me shaking with nerves, but he’d lit candles, and my top was off and I was so shy about him seeing my boobs, but he was so nice about it and it was our six-month anniversary…and then…I’d propped myself on my elbows to try and make it hurt less. “If you’ll just relax,” he’d said, trying to be soothing, but I could sense the annoyance under his voice. “Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. I love you… Shh…shh. It’s okay. Do you want to stop?” I shook my head. He pushed in further. I cried out. He pulled out. I cried. He held me and I was so embarrassed, but he was so, so nice about it being my first time…
Until a week later when he dumped me.