I spent Friday night in, like the huge saddo I am.
The rest of the day was nondescript and dull. I used to love school – love coming in, love Drama Club, love my friends, love sauntering the corridors with Milo’s arm around me. I was one of those annoying people who liked secondary school. But since Milo dumped me and I dramatically decided to drop Drama over the summer – something I’d thought, pathetically, might make Milo realize just how broken I was, turn up at my door, and beg me to reconsider – I didn’t even have subjects I cared about. Drama was all I loved, the rest of my options I’d just picked willy-nilly – thinking they wouldn’t matter as I was going to get into RADA or something.
So after an afternoon of yawning through English, and head-on-desk sleeping through Geography, I walked home. Alone. The girls had invited me to Pizza Express but I’d told them I was seeing Dad – which I needed to do, but I couldn’t face it on so little sleep.
“We’ll see you tomorrow though, at work, right?” Alice said, hugging me goodbye. “You can get us in cheap?”
“Yep,” I squeaked. Hoping Ma wouldn’t go nuts at all the discounted tickets I’d seemingly promised everyone.
I had to walk a slightly different way home so Leroy’s mum didn’t spot me. I was his cover for tonight, so he could spend time with Ian. Neither of them were out with their families, so they spent a lot of time freezing their arses off on park benches. The other month, when Leroy bounded up to me with a huge “Guess what?” to reveal he’d lost his virginity, my first question was, “Where?!”
There had been no messages from Mum all day – which was actually worse than too many. When I let myself in, I saw her work heels by the door.
“Audrey? That you?” Her voice came from the kitchen.
I dropped my rucksack and tentatively made my way in. She stood at the stove, surrounded by vegetable cuttings and ferociously stirring a stir-fry. Her hair was piled on top of her head in an unravelling chignon and she had way too much make-up on to try to hide the hangover. Her foundation wasn’t quite the right colour and it sank and flaked into the wrinkles of her eyes.
“Hi.” I perched nervously at the breakfast bar. Mum being uber-efficient to cover up her catatonicness was so much worse than just plain catatonic. The other way didn’t have a comedown.
“Hi, lovely, do you mind passing me that soy sauce?” she asked, all breezy, like she hadn’t cried herself to sleep on my bed.
“It smells great, can I help?”
“No, it’s all under control. I just thought we should eat healthy, you know?”
I sat and watched her twirl and hurl about the kitchen. The work surfaces sparkled, all the empty wine bottles had mysteriously vanished. It wasn’t even 5 p.m. yet.
“Why are you home so early?”
She ignored me at first, lifting a wooden spoon to her mouth to taste her concoction. “Mmm, needs a bit more ginger.”
“Mum?”
“Audrey, it’s fine. I took the afternoon off.”
“I thought you weren’t doing that any more?”
“Don’t stress, Audrey, honestly. I had a meeting. You know how relaxed my office is.”
They weren’t last year when they had to put you on performance management.
I started laying out the cutlery, not even hungry yet, but knew it was worth stuffing anything down rather than rejecting her efforts. She brought two steaming plates of vegetables and brown rice over, a grin stitched on.
“Mmm, lovely and healthy. All your five-a-day on one plate.”
“Thanks, it smells great.”
We sat and ate at the breakfast bar. We rarely used the dining room now it was just the two of us. The stir-fry had so much ginger in it that I had to sip my water between every mouthful, yet I made appreciative noises and watched her warily over my glass…waiting…
She pushed her plate away with three bits of broccoli left on it. “So I went to see my lawyer this afternoon. About the house.”
“And…”
“And, Audrey, I need you to speak to your father. Get him to change his mind.”
I put my fork down. “What?”
Mum was squeezing each of her fingers, one by one. Her wedding band was still on. Even after everything.
“My lawyer says he’s got a good shot at making us sell. With you only a year away from uni…your dad’s saying we don’t need all this space any more. But it’s your home, isn’t it? You’ve got to tell him, it’s more than space, it’s your home. It’s our…our…home.” That’s when the comedown hit. She bent over the table, smashing her head down, getting soy sauce in her hair.
I was up, squatting at her side, moving the plate to one side to get her hair off it. “Mum? Mum, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” She wasn’t even crying, just kind of wailing, which was worse. “Mum, come on. Tell me what the lawyer said.”
She sat up. “He’s claiming he needs the money from the sale to help pay for That Bitch and her fucking runts.” She pushed her chair back and went over to the drinks cabinet. “Can you believe it? Like she’s not taken enough? Like she’s not taken EVERYTHING.” She clattered down a glass and poured herself a measure of gin. Neat. I winced. “Oh, don’t look at me like that, Audrey. It’s just one, and I’m an adult, for Christ’s sake.”
I straightened myself up, my face stinging like she’d slapped me. I plonked my empty plate in the dishwasher and went to walk out the room.
“Audrey? Audrey, I’m sorry!”
I turned back, looking at her. Her hands shook as she poured herself a second gin. A flash. A flash then of how Dad must see her. Revulsion. For a fleeting second I could see why he left. But then she wasn’t like this before he walked out. He had done this to her. The flash morphed into pure hot rage at him. Rage I didn’t know what to do with, because he was my dad. He was still my dad. I still loved him, and the twins, even after everything he’d done. So I pushed it down and made my guts hurt.
“Audrey, sorry, honey. It’s just a little drink. It’s been one hell of a day. Please, sit with me.”
I reluctantly sat back down – wishing I’d gone to Pizza Express.
“You need to be careful with your drinking. Last night you were…”
“I know, I know.” She took my hand, tight. “I’ve been doing better though, haven’t I? It’s just the shock, Audrey. If he takes the house…if I lose this place… So, if you can just go see him this weekend. Tomorrow?”
“I’m not sure what good it…”
“Please, Audrey.” Her voice was sharper. “Try.”
I sighed. Nodded. “I’ll try.”
Her posture softened even though there was no way Dad would listen to me. But she put the gin away, cleared her plate, perked up again. “So, you in tonight? Why don’t we have a movie night? Popcorn? Chocolate?”
Movies. More movies.
“Sure.” I nodded.