Alice had managed to bagsy the squashy sofas at the back – the prime Nero seats. She had a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows in front of her and was reading her Media notes. I ordered a cup of tea and then brought it over, feeling nervous for some reason.
“Hey,” I said, and she looked up. “Thanks for agreeing to meet me.”
She frowned. “Why wouldn’t I?”
Because I’ve been a judgemental bitch and essentially cut you and the other girls out since summer…
I put my drink down and fell into the sofa. It immediately swallowed me whole, sinking me towards Alice so our thighs were touching. “Well, I know I’ve been a bit off these past few months.”
The wings of her eyeliner twitched. “You’ve been through a lot, Audrey. We understand.”
She said we. Implying that she and the girls had discussed it, discussed me, made a joint decision on how to handle my sudden iciness.
“It’s not an excuse though,” I said. And it wasn’t. I was realizing so many things that day. Headbutting Harry had been like dousing myself with ice-cold water. The embarrassment of it had awoken all the senses (and sense) I’d buried – made me look back at my numbness, and bad decision-making and think: What the actual hell?
Alice smiled and took a sip of her drink – the cream sticking to her nose. I tapped my nose to let her know.
“Whoops, thank you.” She rubbed it off. “So, what did you want to talk about? Is everything okay?”
I nodded my head, then shook it again. “No, not really.”
“What is it?”
I leaned forward, trying to figure out where to start. “You know that guy, Harry? The one I work with?”
“Yes,” Alice replied seriously.
“Well…umm, last night, he kind of did this really nice thing for me. After work. And, well, he walked me home after and…” I squeezed my eyes shut – the memory smacking me round the head like it was made of steel. “I… I tried to kiss him.”
“You tried? What does that mean? Did he push you off?”
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, digging my thumbs into them, like I could claw the memory out. “No. Well, he didn’t have the chance to. Cos I…well… I, just, like, lunged at him…but I missed.” I opened my eyes, to find Alice staring at me intently. “I headbutted him, Alice.”
“Right…”
“Like, my jaw went for his, but he moved his head, so I just careered into him.” I covered my hands with my eyes, but rather than crying, I let out a laugh.
“Did you hurt him?”
I giggled again. “Maybe.”
I heard a snort and removed my hands to see Alice struggling to contain herself. “It’s not funny!”
“I know. I know it isn’t…” But she snorted, covering her mouth to catch it. “It’s just…well…” She really lost it then, and I did too. We crumpled into hysterics, sinking into each other, each of our giggles setting the other one off. I’m not sure why I could laugh with her but not with Leroy. Maybe it was still too raw this morning and now I’d had time for it all to sink in. Or maybe there’s a type of laughter that only feels good with old friends. But we laughed and laughed until the final ice particle in my heart thawed out completely.
My tea was lukewarm by the time we managed to stop.
“I am sorry.” Alice wiped under her eyes to catch any stray eyeliner. “It just wasn’t what I was expecting. So, what happened after you headbutted him?”
“Nothing. I ran inside and slammed the door in his face. I’m going to quit my job so I never have to see him again.”
“Audrey,” she sing-songed, rolling her eyes. “You can’t quit your job. You love it there. I know it’s embarrassing…”
“It’s more than embarrassing. I want to die.”
“Come on. We’ve all had a false-start kiss somewhere along the line. Remember that Jake boy, the one I pulled on the French trip? And he bit me?”
“That was someone biting you, not you biting someone else.”
“Well I’m sure I’ve been a bad kisser in the past.”
I couldn’t imagine it. Everything Alice did was neat. Her perfect cat flicks were the tip of her orderly iceberg. She’d never once messed up the hard-to-do hand when applying nail polish.
“Oh God.” I flopped my head back, sacrificing it to the gods.
“Oh, Audrey, stop torturing yourself,” she said, a laugh still in her voice. “What were you doing kissing him anyway? I thought you said he was a fuckboy?”
“He is.”
“So, what happened?”
So I sipped my lukewarm tea and filled her in. On the warnings I’d had about him, of his flirtation, of the zombie filming. I told her about our not-like-other-girls fight, and she smiled, and said, “Honestly, Audrey,” but let me continue. Then I filled her in on the previous evening – the late-night private show, the way he’d backed off, apologized, respected my wishes and then…then…then I’d headbutted him. And I found myself crying, wiping frantically below my eyes to try and catch my tears.
Alice sprang into action immediately, sitting closer, saying, “Hey, hey, hey,” blocking my tears with her body, so the rest of the coffee shop didn’t stare. “Why are you crying?”
“I just…just always make stupid decisions about boys.” I sniffed. “I always end up making a massive twat of myself. After Milo, I told myself I’d do better. And I just caved and have humiliated myself all over again.”
“Hey, Audrey. Hang on, I’ve got a tissue.” She dug in her bag and handed it over. I took it gratefully. “You didn’t humiliate yourself with Milo. I mean, it’s shit that he went off with Courtney, but you didn’t do anything wrong…”
“I did. I put him off me.”
“What? How?”
I brushed more tears away. Could I tell her? I hadn’t told anyone. I’d just tried to vanish into the walls. It was my most shameful moment. Even saying it out loud could rip me into shreds.
“We…had sex,” I admitted, not looking her in the eye. “Well, we tried to. It didn’t quite work. Then he broke up with me.”
I heard her intake of breath. “You lost it to Milo?” I nodded, then shook my head again. “We tried to. I’m not sure if what happened counts… It…it…hurt, Alice. Is it supposed to hurt? He, like, literally couldn’t get in…” My face was so red, tears shooting out of my eyes. I could hear my voice shake.
Alice picked up my hand and squeezed it and the kindness of it flooded my body. Why had I shut out my best friend? Why did I think that was the answer to anything?
“No, Audrey,” she said. “It’s not supposed to hurt. Tell me if I’m being too explicit, but, like, did he do anything…beforehand? To, you know? Make you ready?”
I flinched at the memory, because he hadn’t. Not really. Not ever. We went from kissing straight into sex, that weekend when Mum going away miraculously coincided with our six-month anniversary. We’d been kissing and it had felt amazing, and he’d been kissing my neck and it had felt amazing, and he’d asked if it was okay to take off my bra, and I’d said yes, and he’d kissed me there, and it felt amazing. Then he’d asked me if he could take off my knickers, and I’d mumbled yes, and I’d even been impatient for it, because if everything else had felt so amazing, surely this would? And then…then… I flinched again. His fingers had just jerked inside me. Prodding, angry. Ripping through me. I’d had to bite my lip to not scream out from it hurting. And Milo’s finger had just pummelled at me, poking in and out aggressively, each time scratching even more. But I hadn’t said anything, because, well, maybe this was just what being fingered was like? And maybe something was wrong with me for not enjoying it? Milo had slept with other girls, so he had to know what he was doing. I had to be the one who was wrong. So I pretended to moan, and that made him harder and more aggressive, and I’d had to turn my head so he wouldn’t see me cry, as I really didn’t want to ruin the moment. When he’d stopped, I’d been so relieved. But then he was taking off his boxers and I knew whatever he had planned next would hurt even more…
I snapped back into the present. “No,” I said. “Well, he tried. But…umm…what he tried wasn’t very nice.”
Oh God, the shame of it. She was going to think I was a prude, a buttoned-up, dysfunctional prude.
But then Alice said… “Let me guess? He prodded at you like he was a farmer shoving his arm up the backside of a cow to pull out a baby calf, and you’re wondering why you didn’t come?”
I turned to her, my mouth open. “You could say that.” I wasn’t sure if I could handle saying any more. But this was Alice. Alice. And she seemed to understand. And I’d been carrying it with me for so long. Maybe I should let it out. “He couldn’t really get high up. It hurt too much.” I chewed my lip. “I’m not sure what happened but it was like my vagina sort of…sort of…rejected him…”
Alice smiled, ever so slightly. “So, when he tried with his…you know.”
I nodded, astonished at how she got it. “You know that bit in the first Lord of the Rings film? Where Gandalf stands up to that fire demon on the bridge and yells, ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS’? Well…” I paused, feeling so ashamed. “Essentially my vagina had a Gandalf standing at the entrance, and he thought Milo’s dick was a fire demon.”
Alice snorted so hard, the hot chocolate she’d been drinking shot out her nose, dribbling over her perfectly made-up face. “Oh God! Audrey!”
I couldn’t laugh with her, it still felt so wrong. “You see why I’m upset now? It was bad enough as it was, and then Milo dumps me because of it. And then, for some reason I don’t even understand, I try to kiss Harry and can’t even do that. I’m sexually defunct. I should just have sex with myself, like potatoes do.”
Alice was still cleaning up her face with a napkin. “Why are you blaming yourself for this? Milo is so obviously the arse here.”
“You can’t blame him.”
“For what?” she said, her hand on her hip. “For prodding you like you’re all the buttons in Willy Wonka’s Great Glass Elevator, and then dumping you for not creaming all over the elevator?”
“I think both of us need to stop with the metaphors right now.”
We both giggled. I couldn’t believe she’d made me giggle. With everything I’d just told her. “How do you know all this anyway?” I asked her.
She blew her fringe up. “Oh God, because I’ve been there, Audrey! You remember when we went to Newquay?”
I nodded. The four of us had gone on this ridiculously clichéd drunken week away to Cornwall after our GCSEs. I still slept in my souvenir T-shirt sometimes, when Milo’s was in the wash. It had a faint stain on it from the night I vommed up a lifetime’s supply of jelly shots.
“Well, you know that guy, Jared? The sexy surfer I met?”
I nodded again. We’d all been so jealous when she’d pulled him. He had long, blond dreads and could actually surf.
“Well, there was this one night, I think it was the night you were really sick from those jelly shots? Well, he invited me back to his caravan, and, you know I was a virgin…and I thought, I may as well lose it to someone as good-looking as him. Because that’s the sort of stupid thing you think about virginity sometimes.”
I stayed quiet, stirring my tea with a spoon. She hadn’t mentioned this, or Jared, again since that holiday. It was well over a year ago.
“Well, we did it. And…it wasn’t great, Audrey. For some stupid reason, I thought because he was so good-looking, he must have had lots of experience and know what he was doing. But, well, he didn’t. It hurt, I bled everywhere, he complained he’d have to pay a fine for me getting blood on the sheets.”
My mouth fell open. “What? I had no idea! You never said anything!”
She looked down at her hot chocolate. The marshmallows had all melted, leaving a gooey crust on the top. “Well, I was embarrassed. And ashamed. I thought there must’ve been something wrong with me.”
“Do the other girls know?”
She surprised me by nodding. “Yeah, they do. It sounds ridiculous but I was so upset that I eventually ended up ringing a helpline to talk about it. To check nothing was wrong with me. They were amazing and so reassuring. And that gave me the courage to tell the girls in the summer. I got drunk when we went to V Festival and eventually told them…” She trailed off. Politely not mentioning the fact they’d invited me but I hadn’t gone. Glossing over the fact their friendship had grown and evolved and they’d shared things without me – which was totally my fault. But she never said as much. Still though, she’d kept that to herself for a year.
“So, what I’m trying to say, Audrey, is Milo is the dick. Milo is the person who is crap in bed, for not caring about whether something feels good for you or not. You shouldn’t feel humiliated. I think what you had happen is quite…normal.”
I was quiet, digesting, before I said, “That’s a depressing thought. On behalf of all women everywhere.”
She shook her head. “I can’t believe he dumped you right afterwards. No wonder you’ve been…” She trailed off and went red, burying her face in her hot chocolate.
“An antisocial bitch?”
She rolled her eyes again over the cup. “That’s quite a strong statement, Auds. But, well, we’ve missed you.”
I felt like I was waking up from a coma. But a coma I’d been complicit in creating over the last six months. Why had I shut the girls out? Why had I judged them so harshly? Why had I let Milo, and his behaviour, hit me so hard? Potentially even ruining the rest of my life? I’d dropped Drama because of him. No…that wasn’t fair on him. I’d dropped it because of me. I’d chosen to blame myself; I’d chosen to be too ashamed to confront him, or what happened. I’d chosen to hang out with Leroy, feeling like I didn’t deserve the subtle, supportive hand-squeezing of my oldest friends. In trying to outrun my shame, I’d left so many important things behind.
“I’m really sorry.” A cry caught in my throat. “I know I’ve not been very friendly. There’s just been so much going on. The Milo thing, and it hurt so much when he got together with Courtney. And my dad. He’s making us leave our house, and Mum’s a state and…now this fucking Harry thing has happened. But it’s not an excuse.”
I was blown backwards by the force of her hug. I’d forgotten Alice was a hugger. My tea almost went flying as she launched into me, flinging her arms behind me, squeezing me like I was a teddy bear.
“Don’t be stupid, Audrey.” The smell of her vanilla perfume was so strong. “You’ve been through a lot. And it’s not like you’ve been horrid to us. You’ve just been a bit distant, that’s all.”
I relaxed into her hug. Enjoying it even though I felt I didn’t deserve it. “Thanks,” I mumbled back. “I’ll try not to be so…solitary from now on.”
She broke free, smiling sweetly, her lip gloss smudged from our embrace. Her hand flew to her face and she dived into her handbag and got out her hand mirror and Clinique Chubby Stick to sort it out. “We’re friends, we’re here for you. And maybe this space did you some good. Allowed you to figure things out? And, well, through it you met Harry?”
“Oh God,” I groaned, slapping my hands over my eyes. Reliving it for the ninety-millionth painful time.
“Honestly though, Audrey,” Alice said. “Headbutt aside. What’s going on with you and him? Do you like him?”
I shook my head slowly. “I don’t know. I think so. I mean, it’s really hard not to. He’s so freaking charming, but it’s more than that. He’s so…passionate about films, and he makes me laugh when I least expect it. Agh, I don’t know.” I picked up my drink, sipped some and plopped it down. “Everyone has told me he’s trouble. I’m not sure what came over me last night. He’s not the sort of guy to get involved with after getting dumped by someone like Milo. I will definitely end up with my heart stamped on.”
“You don’t know that for sure. I mean, the guy sat up with you until 3 a.m. to show you a romantic film. Maybe he likes you…”
Those words. Just hearing those words was like someone had tipped sherbet into my intestines. Oh God, that wasn’t good. That’s what happens when you like someone.
“I think he’s just intrigued by me. Because I didn’t fall for him straight away. You know?”
Alice raised her eyebrows. “God forbid he actually likes you for you. No, according to Audrey, it’s only because you’re a challenge.”
“But I am a challenge. Well, I was… And now I’ve fallen for him, like everybody bloody else, and now I’ve also headbutted him…” I covered my eyes again. “It’s probably a good thing. Maybe the headbutt was my subconscious deliberately sabotaging things, so I wouldn’t get hurt? It’s just a shame I have to quit my job now.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Don’t quit your job! You like it there. No offence, Audrey, but you’ve got to stop running away from stuff. Drama, us. And you have to face Harry if you want to carry on with this zombie movie, right? I mean, you’re enjoying that?”
I nodded. I was. I really was.
“Just be a grown-up and pretend it never happened.” Alice beamed. “Like I did with Jared. I managed to keep that up for a whole year!”
I tilted my head at her. “I’m sorry about what happened with him. It sounds awful.”
She shrugged. “It’s fine now. I wasn’t, like, permanently damaged. I’ve just learned to wait for a guy who makes sex feel unpressured and, dare I say it, pleasurable. Wait until I find a guy I really like, and maybe, I dunno, build up to sex with him rather than jumping into it. Maybe that’s what you should think about with Harry. Are you just repeating a Milo situation? I mean, you fell for him even when me, Becky and Charlie were warning you he was a bit of a dick. But you were so upset about your family, you just seemed to get lost in him.”
I’d forgotten that. Forgotten that the girls had never liked Milo. Her words hit several nails on several heads. “I guess that’s what my concern is,” I admitted. “I mean, I worry Harry won’t be any different for me to how he is with other girls.”
“Well then. Don’t go there if you don’t trust it, or him. Or do go there, but keep your eyes open. I mean, if I were you, I would go there and keep my eyes WIDE open, because, well, look at him.”
“Alice!” I thumped her.
“I’m just saying.”
And, just like that, we were back. We laughed and slurped our drinks and caught up on news and the walls I’d carefully constructed around myself fell away. I didn’t even flinch when she insisted on taking ten million selfies. Because that was just Alice. Mentor and beauty junkie – capable of both incredible personal insight and brilliant knowledge of the best filters. I’d opened up to her and she hadn’t judged me. I could only do the same for her. She asked about Dad and I told her everything and she hugged me again. She even invited me to a girls’ night in they’d planned that weekend. And I found I genuinely wanted to go, even though I couldn’t as I was pulling a double shift.
For the first time in a long time, I felt good. I felt warm. I felt less alone. It was like my hardened defences had been hacked through with the back of a spoon, like the top of a crème brûlée. We hugged goodbye before I went into lessons, and I said I’d have lunch with them. I did, and it was nice. And my afternoon lessons weren’t so boring. And I’d almost forgotten everything, until…
…until I came home and found Harry sitting on my front wall.