FACT: A girl in a romance film cannot be fallen in love with unless she’s wearing a very pretty and important dress. But such a key moment in filmic courtship would look out of place in regular settings. Therefore, the couple MUST attend some kind of formal event so she can showcase her perfect body and demure-but-ravishing beauty in some sort of couture gown. And, of course, there must be the moment the boy SEES HER IN THE GOWN and you get a reaction shot of his face, while she twirls self-consciously and pretends she doesn’t know she looks like an A-lister (even though she is one, she’s in a romance film, godammit).
“Well, this is weird.” Alice stared at my face, sucking on the end of a make-up brush.
LouLou loomed over me too. “You’re telling me. How am I supposed to add blood to that perfect eyeliner flick of yours? I don’t want to ruin it.”
Alice smiled at her. “Aww, thank you! You’ve made the bite marks in her skull look so real.”
LouLou beamed back. “Thank you. It’s this new putty I’ve been trying out. It really looks like brain, right?”
I looked up at both of them. “Okay, so this is super weird.”
Alice tutted. “Shh, zombie bride, or I’m going to mess up your eyeshadow.”
Charlie and Becky barged through the door, cradling five mugs. “We’ve got tea! …Oh my God, Audrey! What the HELL do you look like?” Becky stopped in actual shock in the doorway. We’d achieved a lot in the make-up department since they’d vanished off to buy milk.
I tried to grin but Alice yelped, “Don’t smile! You’re going to mess up your lips!”
We were about to film the last ever scene for Harry’s film. He’d been sulky and weird about the cinema’s current closure for the two days before it actually closed. Getting way too stoned – after work, before work. I’d found him standing once at the back entrance with Rosie, sharing a spliff and giggling together uncontrollably. When she’d seen me, she’d not even said hi, just saluted. And, for some reason, Harry found this hilarious. He’d apologized later but…still…
Anyway, LouLou had managed to secure him three days of back-to-back shifts up in London and he’d stayed on the uni floor of one of his friends, Joel. It made him just enough money to dodge asking his parents for help. “Let’s use the free days to film the wedding scene in the DAYLIGHT,” he’d said, trying to kiss me in the storeroom to apologize. Because I’d yelled at him. About Rosie.
“Why are you pretending she doesn’t fancy you?”
“Because she doesn’t.”
“She does. And she so obviously hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you. Rosie’s just like that.”
“Or…she fancies my boyfriend.”
“Don’t you trust me, is that it?”
“You KNOW that’s not what it’s about. How would you feel if I kept getting drunk with Milo?”
“I’d be fine with it.”
“Yeah, right. I’ll just ring him now then, shall I?”
“I don’t think this is about Rosie, I think this is about you hating me smoking weed.”
“Well, I’m not over the freaking moon that you do it, no.”
“You knew this about me before we got together.”
“That doesn’t mean I have to like it though.”
“I can stop any time I want.”
“Oh, because that’s not a clichéd thing addicts say.”
“I’M NOT AN ADDICT.”
And I’d weighed up whether I could be bothered to continue the argument, or just lean into his mouth and let it go.
“Come on,” he whispered into my ear, pulling my hair back to get better access to me. “It’s the last scene. We can have a huge wrap party to celebrate.” And he’d lifted me onto a crate of organic crisps and cupped my face in his hands and we’d made up…
“Audrey, you look so awesome,” Charlie said, handing out the mugs of tea. “I love that dress.”
“Don’t get too attached.”
I went to sip my drink but Alice slapped my hand and said, “Not until your top coat of lip gloss is set.”
I pouted at her. “It’s going to get covered in red syrup and intestines soon.”
Alice shuddered. “I don’t know how you’re going to handle that.”
I shrugged. “Acting, isn’t it?”
LouLou made me tilt my head to one side while she dribbled a trail of fake blood down me. “Almost done… Okay, zombie bride. You are as pretty as a picture.”
Alice removed the towel around my shoulders and I stood up, examining myself from all angles. I looked the oddest mix of beautiful blushing bride, but also, well, a zombie – my long hair ringletted up with daisies, my cheeks flushed, make-up dewy…and a bit of brain dribbling down my head, blood spilling from my rosebud smile. Because I’d managed to do my turning scene in just one take, I had the gorgeous blood-free spare wedding dress on.
“You guys are miracle workers,” I announced to my reflection. “It’s perfect. Harry’s going to go ape-shit.”
I saw them all beam in the mirror.
“Well, I couldn’t have done any of that fancy-pants proper make-up,” LouLou said, taking a sip of her tea.
Alice looked at her in thanks. “Well, I couldn’t have done any of your stage make-up. We make a good team.”
The air fizzed with different people getting on and I grinned.
“Now…” LouLou said. “I have to make myself look like a zombie wedding guest.” She plonked a chair down in front of the mirror, budging me to one side. “If I do all the gore, will you help me look more like a lady?” she asked Alice.
“Sure.”
They both got to work and I reached out to finally enjoy my tea. I picked up the many layers of my wedding dress in my spare hand and shuffled onto Alice’s bed, next to Charlie and Becky.
“Will you take my photo?” I asked. “I want to show Harry.”
Harry was at the church, setting everything up. LouLou planned to zombify his face at the last moment, “In case the vicar sees and doesn’t let us film there any more.” Needless to say, he wasn’t filming in his parents’ church.
“You sure you guys don’t want to be extras?” I asked the girls, taking my phone back to pick the best one to send.
“We were all for it until you mentioned the guts,” Becky said. “But, funnily enough, we’d rather go see a movie than get intestines thrown on our heads as confetti.”
LouLou twisted away in the mirror. “Oi, where you seeing a movie? Flicker is closed this week.”
“Uh oh. You’re in for it now,” I murmured, smiling as Becky stuttered out an apology.
“It’s only because you’re closed. And I don’t think you would show it anyway. It’s just that new film, The Last Days of a Broken Heart. You know, the weepy one?”
LouLou winked. “I’m only winding you up.”
My phone buzzed.
Harry: How do you look that beautiful with half your brain hanging out?
The blood cracked on my cheek as I smiled. Charlie leaned over and read it before I had a chance to snatch it away.
“Oh my God, you two are SO IN LOVE, Audrey. What happened to the cold angry cynic who hates romance films?”
I was cowering too much to stop her swiping my phone and showing it to everyone else. They all cooed, apart from LouLou, who stuck her tongue out.
“Hey, I still think romance films are unhelpful.” I stood up to retrieve my phone. “I interviewed an expert and everything. But yes…” I felt myself get red. “I may not be as…umm…anti love itself as I used to be.”
Their squeals were very high-pitched. I flopped back onto the bed, my skirts exploding beneath me as air rushed up them.
“Has he said he loves you yet?” Alice asked.
I twisted my hands around each other. “Not quite. But he has said he thinks he’s falling in love with me.”
More squealing.
LouLou put her hand up to stop it. “Please,” she begged. “This is too weird for me. I know them both too well. And, well, this is not the sort of thing I want to know.”
They ignored her though.
“Oh my God, I bet he says it soon.”
“Do you love him? You’re blushing, you do!”
“Seriously, today is, like, your practice wedding.”
“Maybe he’s waiting for tonight? When the filming is over?”
“You HAVE to message us when he does.”
Soon the make-up got finished, the tea got drunk, LouLou and the girls even swapped numbers.
LouLou and I sat on a wall, waiting for our taxi. She didn’t say anything while I just kind of smiled and felt warm from my friends, and the message from Harry, and also a tiny bit sad that this was the last scene I’d ever shoot as the zombie bride, but also, stupidly, thinking it was kind of magical that Harry and I were sort of getting married today. And, with Rosie killed off, she had to film it for us. That should get the message across without me even looking like I was trying to get a message across.
Then LouLou said, “So he said he thought he was falling in love with you?”
I grinned, feeling more dried blood crack across my cheek. “Yeah.”
More silence.
“I thought you didn’t want to hear about it anyway?”
She tilted her head. She looked so cool as a zombie. I mean, she looked uber-cool all the time anyway, but having blood splattered all over her really polished it off.
“I don’t…I didn’t…I just…”
“What is it?”
“I shouldn’t get involved. I said I wouldn’t.”
“LouLou…?”
“It’s just, well. He only thinks he’s falling in love with you? Audrey? Are you sure that’s romance, and maybe not just a cop-out?”