Chapter 8

Holly

Fun. Was that what I was having right now? Was this light, bubbly feeling in my chest and the ache in my cheeks from smiling for two straight hours because I was having fun?

Jax was literally knocking my socks off.

I hadn’t spent much time around men besides Kent over the last six years because of his insane jealousy issues. It was just easier to stay home with Luke and not have to deal with the torrent of questions about where I went for the day, who I saw, what time I came home, and who the missed call on my phone was from.

Basking in the company of an attractive man like Jax who made me laugh like I used to was refreshing. The ever-present pit of nerves in my belly was gone, and so was the tightness in my chest from anxiety. I felt like myself again for the first time in over half a decade.

This realization made me feel a twinge of guilt because the time I was spending with Jax could also have been given to Luke, who needed it desperately. He wasn’t used to being apart from me for so long.

But I reminded myself that having a happy mother was good for him too.

However, it was probably getting close to leaving time.

“One more drink,” I said, leaning on my stool to yell it at Jax over all the background noise. Roy’s got pretty busy after eleven, and the music was thumping, and tables of people were roaring with drunken laughter.

“Just one?” He pouted.

I nodded. “I have to get home. Besides, this is more than I’ve had to drink in a long time.” It wasn’t a lie. The four drinks I’d already had were making my brain buzz with giddiness. Or that was also a side effect of Jax’s company.

“All right, all right. One more.” Jax flagged down the bartender, who had our drinks to us within a few minutes.

The first sip was always the best. I savored it as I swallowed and closed my eyes. It was difficult reopening them. “I think I’m drunk.”

“I think you are too.” Jax gave me a cocky grin and shrugged one shoulder. “Nothing wrong with having a good time. Letting loose.”

Letting loose. Another unfamiliar way of being for me.

“Okay, maybe one more drink.”

Jax rocked back on his stool with laughter. “You’re out of control, woman.”

Sitting with him and laughing with him felt exactly the way it used to when we were kids and nothing in the world was tainted yet. My old self was rushing toward the surface with every bout of laughter with such force that I was shocked by how content I was.

I wasn’t consumed with thoughts about Kent. I didn’t wonder where he was or what he was doing or whether or not he was drinking. I was so used to being plagued by those worries because I was so accustomed to them being my reality.

Now, in the warm light of Roy’s and the jovial company of a man I used to love, I was basking in sunlight when it was nearly midnight.

“Thank you for asking me to come out. I needed a night like this. It’s been a really, really long time.”

“Kent never used to take you out for dates?”

I scoffed. “You remember Kent, right? Tall, brooding, angry all the time? No. He never took me on dates unless it was Valentine’s Day, and even then, we both knew it was out of obligation. He never wanted to.”

“Did you want to?”

Painfully so, but I didn’t dare speak those words out loud. He would think I was weak. I shrugged. “I liked the idea of him taking me out for more dates. The question is whether or not they would be good dates or not. It was always better to stay home and read. No disappointment that way.”

I noticed the way Jax’s jaw tightened. He looked down at his drink, lifted it to his lips, and tossed it back. I watched his throat as he swallowed and remembered how I used to press my lips to the skin under his jawline. I could still recall the lingering scent of his aftershave even now.

I found myself draining the bottom of my glass to avoid meeting his steely gaze.

“You didn’t have to leave with him, you know.”

As soon as the words left Jax’s mouth, I wished he had never spoken them. But now that they were out there, floating in the open space between us like dust, there was no pretending anymore. I had chosen Kent all those years ago, and I had always known how much I hurt Jax in doing so. “I’m sorry.”

All the tension in his shoulders evaporated as he shrugged one shoulder and tilted his head to look at me out of the corner of his eyes. “It was a long time ago. We were young and stupid. Now, not so much.”

He was letting me off the hook. Something tugged at my heart and urged me to slide off my stool and wrap my arms around his shoulders, to press my chest against his and remember what that closeness felt like.

“Come on. Let’s get out of here.” Jax stood and offered me his hand, which I took. “Do you need a ride back to Kimberly’s place?”

“No, there’s a bus stop two blocks from here. Her apartment is only a fifteen-minute ride or so. I’ll be all right.”

“Don’t be crazy. I’ll drive you.”

“No really, I don’t mind the bus. I brought a book.”

“A book?” Jax shook his head as we wove through the bodies in the bar. He guided me effortlessly, his wide shoulders creating an open path for me to walk through. “You haven’t changed a bit. But I insist. You’re not getting on a bus by yourself at this time of night.”

Back in Philadelphia, Kent had never expressed concern over me taking public transit by myself regardless of the time. I wasn’t used to the concern, but I reminded myself that I shouldn’t be this surprised. This was Jax, after all. He was a man who could be held to a much different standard than Kent.

A much different standard.

We emerged out on the sidewalk in the warm night air with our hands still wrapped tightly together. There were other people outside, strolling down the sidewalk in front of the other open bars, which were pumping happy music out onto the street. Jax pulled me gently along beside him, and I peered up at him as discretely as I could.

His profile was sharp and angled and rugged. A fluttering in my stomach set off warning bells in my brain.

I couldn’t let myself fall for him again. It had hurt too much to walk away the first time, and the stakes were so much higher now. My number one priority was Luke. My needs, and my desires, and my ache to be filled did not outweigh the recklessness of inviting Jax back into my life.

He was in a biker gang, for crying out loud.

As we stopped in front of a sleek, black sports car, I had the suspicion he was doing pretty well for himself in said biker gang.

He opened my door for me, and I slid across the leather seat and watched him walk around the hood. He got in beside me and started the car up. The engine purred until he stepped on the gas, after which, it roared with power as we tore off down the street, the force pushing my shoulder blades flat against the back of my seat.

I let out a startled laugh.

Jax laughed right along beside me in the wild way he used to.

I should have told him to slow down. I was a mother. I had to make sure I was safe.

But the speed was like a drug to my veins that sucked out all my practical thinking and replaced it with white-hot desire.

I gnawed at my bottom lip. I needed to get out of this car before I did something I might regret.

Luckily, the speed at which Jax drove put us in front of Kim’s apartment building six minutes later. Jax pulled up to the curb, switched off the ignition, and looked lazily over at me. “Well, here we are.”

I smiled tightly and opened the door. I stepped out and nearly stumbled over the curb. I recovered as gracefully as I could manage, and when I looked up, Jax was out of the car as well. He was watching me with a smirk and had his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Maybe you need some help to the front door?”

Unwilling to tell him no, I took the elbow he offered me and wrapped my arm around it. He walked me up the path and to the front door, where I struggled to find my keys lost somewhere at the bottom of my purse.

“I don’t know how this always happens.” I shook my bag, hearing the telltale jingle of the keys somewhere in its depths. “It’s not even a big purse, but somehow my keys just end up—”

Jax grabbed a hold of my waist and yanked me to him.

I lost my footing and tumbled into him. His powerful arms wrapped around me and held me up as he tilted his face down to mine. Time seemed to slow down as his nose grazed mine. His lips parted just before they met mine, and all of a sudden, our mouths were pressed together, and he was kissing me with a fire that seemed to match the burning in my gut.

His hands moved up my back, his knuckles pressing gently into my spine until one hand held the back of my neck, and his fingers were tightening in my hair.

There was a soft sound between us, and I realized it had come from me. A whimper. How pathetic.

But I was powerless to it. I hadn’t been held or kissed like this in …

Since the last time Jax had me in his arms.

I grabbed hold of the front of his shirt as my knees trembled. Jax’s tongue pressed between my teeth, and he began the eager exploration of my mouth.

The hand he had on the back of my neck wandered down to my shoulder where he nudged the sleeve of my blouse down. It slipped easily, revealing a lacy white bra strap. His fingers slipped beneath it and ran over the sensitive skin there, chasing away the pressure of the bra straps.

I stretched up to my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around his shoulders in the way I had been dreaming about doing since I first saw him at the bar.

His hand on my shoulder lifted to cup my cheek as our kiss became deeper. I could barely get a breath, but I didn’t feel like I needed air. All I could feel was the immense need for him. For more.

I was doing exactly what I knew I shouldn’t.

I pushed gently on his chest, and his hand fell from my cheek. Our lips parted, and as space formed between us, his eyes flicked back and forth between mine, searching for an answer as to why I made him stop.

I didn’t have an explanation for him. I wasn’t about to tell him that my son was also staying at Kim’s place.

Kent’s son.

So I looked away from him and tucked my hair behind my ears. “I should really get inside. Kim said she would wait up for me.”

Jax nodded.

I waited for him to say something, but no words came.

Reaching into my purse, I somehow found my keys on the first try. I slid them in the door and pushed it open. I turned back to him once I was inside.

“Thank you for tonight. I had a great time. Really.”

“Me too.”

Closing the front glass door was like pulling teeth. But I managed, and I watched Jax walk back to his car with his hands back in his pockets.

Before pulling away from the curb, he waved at me, and I waved back, the burning in my stomach morphing into something less pleasant. Regret.

I went to the elevator and pulled my blouse back up on my shoulder as I waited for it to arrive.