CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Ky
“It’s time, Ingram. I need you to tell me what’s up. Tell me what happened after I left.” It was hard to get the words out but I had no choice.
“I left, Ky, can’t we just leave it at that?” Her voice and eyes pleaded with me.
“No, we can’t. You drop little hints here and there, and sometimes I get the feeling like you are confused about what happened. I want you to talk to me and I can help you sort it all out.”
She took in a deep breath, her gaze moved to look at the darkness outside of the windows.
“Where should I start?” she asked on a sigh.
“What happened when I left? Why wouldn’t you go with me?” I asked and the sadness wasn’t hidden at all. “I hated leaving you. Why…why did you look at me like you hated me?”
The questions I’d thought about all these years started to come out. I hoped that talking about it would lead to a better path for us. That maybe we could finally figure out everything and put it behind us.
That night was hard. My choice to flee was terrifying, but having to leave her behind was worse. I couldn’t stay there any longer. Father had always talked about the evil outside of the gate, but I saw true evil come from him and from the flock that he led. All of them going along blindly, believing that he and his words would save them. That all they had to do was follow ‘the way’ and they would have automatic pure atonement.
But it was all bullshit.
I couldn’t even believe that I’d found life in his words for so long.
I could blame it on the fact that I didn’t have a choice, but deep down, I always wondered if that was just an excuse to hide.
“What they did to him—to Brighton was wrong. Even what they did to you was wrong. I could not see it then and I was scared,” she said and her lip wobbled as the tears filled her eyes. “I didn’t know any different. I couldn’t think for myself let alone beyond the land of the compound. We were safe there, that was what I had been raised to believe. Fear kept me there that night. Fear that if I left with you, then I would lose everything and I’d be forever tarnished beyond saving.”
“Fuck,” I breathed out and pulled her into my side. Wrapping my arms around her, I tried to be everything she needed. I tried to be the comforting brother, the friend, and even her savior in a way.
“They left him to die, it was so horrible. Ky, he suffered, just…there on the dirty, cold ground.”
She didn’t need to tell me what had happened, I’d been right there the whole time, chained up mere feet away and unable to save him.
“He was your best friend, and he had always been kind to me. That was the first time I’d ever questioned if what was around me was right. But I was seven years old and I didn’t know the first thing about being able to think for myself.”
“I hate that you had to see that,” I said and then sniffed. The images of that night crept into my head and I hated it. I hated myself. I hated that I’d failed Brighton. I had silently promised him that I’d never forget, but what I’d been doing for the past ten years was doing everything to not remember.
“They found out you were gone and then it was like you never existed. We weren’t allowed to talk about you. Mom cried. There were so many days that she would just stand there at the stove making dinner with tears running down her face. I was too scared to say anything, so I kept my head down and did my best not to do anything wrong.”
I had left a mound of shit when I’d taken off and I hadn’t even thought of what it might have meant for her. I was glad she was telling me all of this but at the same time, it felt like a stab to the heart. It was too much of a burden for a child to carry but I could tell that she tried. I wasn’t sure the reasons beyond doing her best to keep the peace for the family and maybe there weren’t any.
“Father became sick a few years after you left. I have no idea what was wrong with him but he never got better,” she said and her gaze was glazed over as she looked out of the windows. I knew she wasn’t talking about our dad but rather the leader himself. “It became worse after he died. His son, Timothy, took over, saying that the word had been transferred to him and that he would be the one to lead us into paradise. They said that Father had left us to prepare for our entry. It seems so strange and far-fetched now…that I’m away from it all. I just don’t understand how they—our parents could believe all of that and not see how misguided it all was.”
“I don’t have an answer for that, to be honest,” I said, my tone soft. “I wish I did.”
“I was fifteen when he came to Ronald and mother,” she said and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. “He told them that the light had shown him that I was chosen to be by his side when the time came. And that up until then, I would need to fulfill my duties to him to ensure my passage.”
Rage filled my veins and I almost couldn’t control it. When I’d been there, Father had taken a few girls as his ‘personal deliverers’ and I’d always prayed that Ingram would never be one of them. That right there should have been my first clue that I didn’t truly believe in the path that Father had painted for us to follow. The thing was, when I was inside that gate and surrounded by people that didn’t protest anything that went on there, I didn’t see how any of it was wrong. Now was a different story. I knew too much and realized the truth too deeply.
“I wasn’t the only one,” she continued catching my attention again. “I remember thinking how exciting it was because Beth had been chosen with me. I thought that it would be so great living in the big house with her and that we would both go together when the time came. But it was awful, Kynaston. Truly awful.”
By the way she’d said my full name I could tell that she was slipping. The memories were taking over and it was like she was back there in that place.
I put my arm around her again even though it felt a little strained. I needed to suck it up and make sure that she realized she was in a safe place, that I’d never let anyone hurt her ever again. I may not have been able to say those words to her, but I had a feeling she understood the silent meaning in my comforting embrace.
“I lost the first baby. He was not happy and I had no idea what I’d done wrong. It hurt so bad and he left me there in my room for a week. Beth came in to bring me food and water a few times. She was angry with me too, and I did not know how to fix it. But I realize now, that there was nothing I could have done.”
“I can’t tell you how fucking messed up that is. I hate that I wasn’t there for you.”
“Please, don’t. I don’t want regrets for either one of us. Alright?”
“Okay,” I agreed blindly as my head lightly nodded. “What happened after…”
I couldn’t bring myself to say it. The thought that she had to go through that was unbelievable and to know that she had to do it all alone gutted me. My heart broke for her and my hatred grew for the ones that had stood by and let it go on.
“I fell with child again a year later.” Her hand moved to rest on the top of her belly. “I begged him to let me out for just an hour each day. I said that I needed fresh air and to walk. Somehow that worked and he left me to go off alone for a whole hour, but I couldn’t be late returning. I made sure I never was. I used to go to the edge, past the old barn, the one that they never use. I got to sit out there for ten minutes before I had to start heading back.”
She took in a deep breath and I could tell this was all too much for her. She was getting tired and worn out. I wanted to give her a break but I was also afraid that if we didn’t finish this now, then we might not ever.
“There was a boy, maybe three years younger than me. Did you know that there was a neighborhood just on the other side of the woods there? I didn’t. He surprised me the first time he popped out of the trees and spoke to me.” She paused and laughed at the memory.
“I didn’t know,” I said thinking back. “I climbed the fence near the front gate because I knew that the dirt road led to a highway eventually. It was one of the things I remembered from the drive there. Somehow it stuck with me.”
“Oh,” she whispered and her head ducked for a moment. “The boy, he met me out there sometimes. I tried to go at the same time every day in hopes of seeing him. He had a phone like the one you gave to me and he showed me all sorts of things on it. It was because of him that I realized I needed to leave.”
“So, how did you get out? I mean, wasn’t it difficult with the baby and all?” I asked and winced because it sounded like I thought she was less capable because she was carrying a child. Luckily, her face didn’t display any sort of negative reaction as she went on.
“Mother caught me one day as I was heading out for my walk. She was not really allowed to talk to me after I had been chosen, I had to act as if I didn’t know her anymore. I was told that I was to serve a higher purpose and I didn’t need to let myself be tainted in any way. But one day, she broke the rules. Only long enough to tell me that she loved me and hand me a small, folded piece of paper. I didn’t understand what was written on it. I found out later it was an address. That’s how I knew where Grandma was.
“The boy—he never told me his name, I see how strange that is now. Well, he got some huge wire cutter looking things. He said they were his dad’s and he didn’t tell them anything about me. He helped me get out and helped me on my way. I will never be able to repay him and I know I’ll probably never see him again.”
She sighed and her head fell onto my shoulder. I held her as she released some of her pain. She’d been holding all of this in for so long and I hated that it took us this long to get here.
“Sometimes I feel like I will never really be free of that place. Do you feel that way?” she asked.
“I used to, all the time. But now, I see that I make my own choices. I can pull myself up instead of letting someone hold me down. It’s a hard struggle, moving past all of those things that we believed, but once you find a way to break free, it’s like the world becomes yours. Your life becomes yours. And when you find something to live for, it’s even better.”
“How do I do this? How do I be normal? I can’t…I don’t know how to raise a child with how messed up as I am.”
“Ingram,” I said softly and she lifted her head to look at me. “You have me. You aren’t alone.”
“We aren’t, Ky. We have Chris. And you have your brothers. I guess it will be alright, then. Right?”
“Yes,” I said with a huge smile. Somehow it would all be okay because I would make sure of it.
“I’m all talked out now. I think I want some ice cream. Chris said he bought a new flavor for me to try.”
I laughed, thankful that the heavy shit was somewhat out of the way.
So we ate ice cream and watched something funny. I never thought I’d ever get to have time with her like this. All I could do was be grateful that I’d gotten a second chance with her. Now that she was with me, I wasn’t going to leave her again.
“Hey, guys,” Chris said as he walked into the room. I noted his lounge clothes and wondered when he’d gotten home. “I got here a bit ago, but saw you guys talking, so I headed upstairs.” It was weird how he could just read my mind like that.
“This rocky road is amazing. So many flavors all at once,” Ingram said.
“Oh, yeah. I forgot I bought that. I’m gonna get some. Need some more, Ingram?”
“No, I think I put too much in here as it is.” She laughed as she shoved another huge spoonful into her mouth.
Chris made his way to the kitchen and I couldn’t help it, before I knew what I was doing, my feet were making their way behind him. Ingram’s back was to us but it wasn’t like we really had any privacy. Not that I really needed to make things more confusing with us.
“Did you, uh, have a good day?” I asked lamely.
Chris looked up at me with a look that made me shake my head. Yeah, I couldn’t help the slight nervousness that I felt around him. I wasn’t even kidding myself and it showed.
“You two good?” he asked completely ignoring my question.
“Yeah…yeah. We talked. You were right, we needed to. I think it helped and now I know more of what’s going on and why she left.” I wanted so desperately to tell him what she’d told me, all the things that she’d been through, but I didn’t want to talk about her literally right behind her back.
I felt myself getting angry all over again. I wasn’t sure that I could just stand by and do nothing to that son of a bitch now that I knew. It was Ingram that kept me from blowing my lid, the fact that she needed me more than she needed me to avenge her.
“Bad?” he asked as his hand moved to cover one of the balled up hands at my side.
“Yeah,” I grunted out because I didn’t trust myself to get out any more than that.
I let my hand relax and without hesitation, his fingers filled the spaces between mine. It was a simple comfort but it meant so much to me. I felt a pull to him. I wanted to crash into his chest and have his arms wrap me in their warmth. It was all I could do to hold myself back. It was for the best because I was already a mess and I didn’t need to drag Chris any further into it.
He gave my hand a light squeeze then pulled away and fixed himself a bowl of ice cream. We spent another hour hanging out and watching TV until Ingram declared that she was going to bed. Chris said good night at the same time and both of them headed off to their separate rooms, leaving me alone on the couch.
I had no idea how long I sat there, the TV turned off and the silence of the room starting to become an eerie hum in my ears.
I had all intentions of heading to my room as I pushed up off of the couch, but as I passed the stairs, the soft light from above caught my eye. Then I was climbing them with slow, heavy steps.
Chris looked up the moment I came into view, his eyes instantly connecting with mine. He was propped up against the headboard, book in his lap, and the small lamp beside the bed casting a soft glow.
I didn’t say a word as I made my way across the room and to the edge of the bed. I stood there unsure and awkward, looking down into his mesmerizing eyes. I shouldn’t have been there. I had no idea why I was, and as my head felt torn between needing to run away and wanting to crawl in bed with him, he opened his mouth and said the thing that always made me feel like I never wanted to go.
“You could stay.”