When did this become my life? At one end of the street, there’s a woman I want to get to know watching me and likely wondering what the heck is going on. At the other end, is the woman I have loved most of my life, putting herself out there for me to take and walking away after pouring her heart out to me. One, I know everything about, while the other; I’m starting to learn. One is safe, while the other is unpredictable and crazy.

I look over at Talia, and she waves. It’s her thing. The little finger wave meant to bring a smile to a man’s face. It does, and I find myself walking toward her. She reaches for my hand as I climb the stairs. I let her take it even though I’m torn up inside. I have a decision to make, one where someone ends up hurt.

Talia and I walk up the three flights of stairs to our hallway. We stop at her door because that was the plan, to watch a movie and have a second dinner, but I’m not feeling it. “I need to think,” I tell her as I pull my keys out of my pocket. I don’t bother to make sure Talia gets into her apartment safely before I close my door and press my back into it.

I never wanted Elle to come to New York because I needed this time to put separation between us. I don’t know what my plan would be when I went home, but I had thought about spending time with Brad until I could find a new place to live or even now, accept the job offer I have from Omni. Nothing has to change though. Elle can go back home, and I can return to ignoring her. It’s been hard, but it was getting easier as the days went by.

Except now that I’ve seen her my heart’s racing like crazy and every part of me wants to go to her, just to be in her presence. Elle’s dangerous with how she can bend my will to suit her needs. I’m putty in her hands with the blink of her baby blues. When I should’ve let her walk away, I chased her down thinking she’s mad or hates me, and it’s pure torment.

There’s a soft knock at my door, but I don’t budge. “I set some food out here for you, Ben,” Talia says, pushing the knife in my chest even deeper. She’s the one I don’t deserve. “Ben,” she says my name softly. “I remember where I know her from. It’s her dad. He’s the drummer for one of my favorite bands. I guess it all makes sense now, how you’ve done so well on our project. She’s really beautiful.”

I wait for the soft click of her door before I start breathing again. In the years I’ve been friends with Elle, the band has never been a selling point for me. I love her family as if they were my own, and they treat me the same way. To me, they’re the Powell-James family who opened their door to an awkward freshman wanting to hang out with their daughter. By all accounts, Mr. PJ should’ve booted my ass down the steps the first day I met him. But, he didn’t, and I think that’s part of my problem. If I lose Elle, I lose the entire family.

However, a family shouldn’t be the reason to stay and live with the torture of not having the life I want with the person I want. Friends often go their separate ways. It happens all the time, so why can’t Elle and I part?

“Because you’re in love with her,” I mumble into the open space of my apartment. With that, I search the pockets of my coat for my phone. Sure enough, her name is there, and this time I open the chat window, something I haven’t done in weeks, and read her messages up until the time I answered her.

I focus on the message where she tells me she knows. It’s from a few days ago. She called, and I sent her to voicemail. This must’ve triggered something in her to start asking June questions. I should’ve warned June about her, but I honestly thought, especially after I told Elle I had a girlfriend, she wouldn’t bother with June. I was wrong. Thinking back to what my brother said, Elle had gone to see him as well, to ask where I was. Maybe leaving without telling her was the wrong thing to do.

Elle thinks I’ve been hiding. I suppose I have. I couldn’t let her see how I felt, knowing she had no recollection of the night we spent together. I didn’t want her to see the anguish I was in, how hurt I was that the night we finally end up together, she can’t remember a single thing that happened. I guess I was wrong there too, but how do you tell someone you so desperately want to be with, that you slept with and then she shunned you. “Oh, by the way, that thing you do with your tongue…” Definitely a conversation I never planned to have.

I bang my head against the door and close my eyes, hoping that somewhere, somehow, an answer about what I should do comes to me. Unfortunately, all I see is Elle, and right now I can’t trust my own judgment.

There’s another knock at my door, followed by Talia’s voice saying my name. What part of “I need to think” isn’t clear? The first time she came over, I get it, she’s bringing me food, but why’s she here now?

“Ben?” she says right before knocking again. “Your food’s getting cold.”

Is she staring at my door through her peephole, waiting to see if I’ve taken the food? I don’t want to think the worst of her, but she’s starting to annoy me a little. I push away from my door and go into my room to change into jeans and a sweatshirt. I was serious when I said I needed to think. I do. I don’t know what I’m doing and whether I should go to Elle or not. These answers aren’t written in a manual or notebook for easy reference. Any decision I make will be life changing, and I have to be able to accept that.

With my jacket in hand, I grip the knob of my door, pausing to look through the spyhole to see where Talia is. I can’t deal with her right now. Thankfully, she’s not in the hallway so as quietly as I can, I open my door, shut and lock it behind me before rushing toward the stairwell.

It’s Friday night, the streets of Manhattan are bustling with activities. The bar scene is starting to come alive, the dance clubs are about to open their doors, and for a city that fines drivers for honking their horns, the loud beeping from cars is a bit obnoxious. I walk, with no destination in mind, watching people as they stroll past me. New York, much like Los Angeles, offers a variety of lifestyles here. From young to old, married to single, from straight to gay, this city has something for you.

I find myself in the middle of Times Square, climbing the giant red steps until I’ve reached the top. From here, I can see everything and everyone. In front of me, a man has his arm around his girlfriend, and he’s whispering into her ear. I’m curious about their relationship, wondering how long they’ve been together and if she’s the one for him. If she is, how’d he know? All along, I’ve thought of Elle as being the one for me, but lately, I’ve been questioning why she is, given that we’ve never even been together. How can I be in love with someone who I’ve never dated? Is it even possible?

The people watching soon grows boring, and I’m back on the street, walking away from the tourists who gather to watch the mega billboards and the odd people who dress up as characters. There’s a man who dresses up as a baby, complete with a diaper. It’s creepy, and in my opinion, he should be arrested. For what, I don’t know.

Up ahead, the marquee from the Manhattan shines brightly in my direction. Even without knowing it, I’ve walked to her hotel. I stop at the front door, and the bellhop opens it for me, but I hesitate. What happens when I go in? I haven’t a clue, I just know I need to see her.

Her floor is quiet, not that I expected a place like this to have a ruckus party, but you never know. I knock on her door and wait longer than I expected. When she finally opens the door, she stands there in one of her stupid little tank tops and boxer shorts on. As soon as I step in, she lets the door slam shut behind me.

Now, what do I do? Part of me wants to sit on her couch and talk things out, while the other half of me wants to kiss her senseless. I have no idea what part will win out, that is, until she steps in front of me and removes my jacket, tossing it onto the floor. My hand finds the sweet spot on her hip, touching her exposed skin to my cold flesh.

“I’m sorry my hand’s cold.”

“It’s okay, Ben.”

I’ve always loved the way my name sounds coming from her lips. “Did you mean what you said earlier about going on a date?”

When Elle looks at me, her lower lip is between her teeth. I cup her face and let my thumb pull her lip down. Its plumpness is tempting me to place my mouth on hers.

“I meant every word. It’s taken me a long time to realize that each time I look for love, that each time I look at my parents or my sister and Noah, wishing I had what they have, that the person who could give me unconditional love, has been in front of me for years. I’ve just been too blind to see that it’s you.” She takes my hand and leads us over to the sofa. When we sit, our thighs are pressing together. I shouldn’t get excited as this is nothing new for us. We’ve always been this close.

“I will never forgive myself for the way I treated you the morning after your party. I was a cold-hearted bitch, and I wish I could tell you why I blocked it out, but I can’t. All I know is that I remember the night fully, Ben, and it was amazing. I’ve never felt so connected to someone, except for you. I don’t deserve you. You and I both know it, but I’m asking for a chance. We may not be right for one another, but we’ll never know if we don’t try.”

“What about the partying, Elle? The drinking?”

“I haven’t touched alcohol since your party. I knew something was different when I woke up, but when you told me nothing had happened, I don’t know… it was like a wake-up call.”

“And the other guys?”

She shakes her head. “There’s no one else, Ben.” Her fingers brush through my hair as if it’s the most natural thing to do. Looking at her, it’s hard to believe I’ve been with her, but my body has no qualms about wanting her.

With my hands on her hips, I pull her onto my lap until she straddles me. “Am I making a mistake here?”

“No, I don’t think you are. It took you leaving for it all to hit home. You’re not just my best friend, Benjamin. You’re the only person I look forward to seeing every day. Your voice is my coffee, my kick-start to start my morning off right. For weeks on end, I’ve wandered around campus, looking for you, needing just to see you so I could feel right again.”

How is it we can both feel the same way and never tell each other? None of this makes sense, and instead of overthinking it and beating the “what ifs” to death, I lean forward and brush my lips against hers, testing her responsiveness. Elle reciprocates fully, wrapping her arms around me and plunging her tongue deep into my mouth, all reminiscent of the night that changed us forever.