It’s been my norm to stay on campus as long as possible after class. It’s easier to study here, and I have unlimited access to the library. Plus it gives me the opportunity to be a college student. Something I’ve missed since I’ve lived off campus this entire time, and while I like where I live, the complex is noisy, and there are far too many distractions, Elle being the biggest one of all. She knows I’d drop everything for her, but she’s also aware my grades are important to me. We’ve often joked about how our futures could align, with her in the music industry and me doing all her bands’ marketing.

I suppose there’s a chance those jokes or even dreams won’t come true if I don’t take the internship. I can put my dreams on hold and follow her around. It’s what I’ve been doing since we graduated college. I never wanted to come to UCLA, but it’s where she was going and the thought of not seeing her every day physically pained me. I know it’s not normal to feel this way about someone, especially when I’ve been so clearly friend zoned, but I do. If asked, I’d move heaven and earth for her. I wish I could say she’d never ask, but the thing is, she would and likely will someday and with my current mindset, I’d do whatever I could to please her.

The letter Professor Jacobs handed me the other day sits on the table, most of it underneath my textbook. I can see the address of the firm, peeking out. It’s one I memorized the day I figured out I wanted to work in advertising. To have the ability to create and engage an active audience through visual technique and words is fascinating. To learn from the best would be career defining. It’s my dream, and yet I haven’t told anyone about it. I wish I knew why.

I pull my book down, covering the rest of the paper. Right now, I’d rather not see it and feel like I’m making a rash decision. Everything I do or have done in the past, I’ve thought out fully or to the extent of Elle pleading with me. She means well, and I love her. Why wouldn’t I follow her everywhere?

Thing is, she could come with me to New York when the quarter’s over, assuming I have a job lined up. There are musicians in the bars there, she could easily find talent. We could share an apartment and go on pretending we’re best friends and one isn’t madly in love with the other.

“Yep, it’ll never work,” I mutter to myself, albeit a bit too loudly considering the amount of shushing going on in the library. I close my book and gather my papers before stuffing them into my bag. My last class is halfway across campus, and if I leave now, I can stop for something to eat and maybe a coffee. The extra dose of caffeine will do me some good and at least keep me from yawning in Jacobs’ class. The last thing I need is to upset him and have him yank my recommendation away.

Somewhere on campus, Elle should be studying. I thought about finding her, but neither of us would get anything done. In high school, we tried being studious, but other things would get in the way. Her house was always loud, between her sister, brother or her dad and the band, it was a revolving door of fun, and I was happy to be a part of it all. Elle wasn’t allowed at my house if my mother wasn’t home, even though we broke this rule a few times. My mom never believed me when I would say Elle and I were friends, and the last thing she wanted was to be a young grandmother. While I can assure her I have no children, I’m not so sure my brother can say the same thing.

As soon as I walk into the coffee shop, my work-study co-workers shout, “Happy Birthday.” With my coffee in one hand and a muffin in the other, I take the last available seat, next to the window and pull out my textbook. The pages are old, dog-eared, covered in highlighter and ripped in places, making it hard to read. This is what I get for living on a budget. I keep telling myself it’ll all be worth it, especially with this internship. I know if I don’t take it, I’ll regret it. However, what happens if I do?

My life shouldn’t be based on whether or not Elle is going to be there or not. Our friendship should withstand whatever career decisions we make. I’m not sure my heart will though. Color me a fool, chasing a girl who doesn’t want to be caught.

The words on the page blur together. My mind is unfocused, and I feel as if I’m not prepared for this test. It’s very unlike me to stress this much, but I want to pass it with flying colors, so Jacobs knows I’m serious about my future. I don’t know what to do about New York, but I do know Jacobs is waiting for an answer. I close the book, finish my coffee and toss the rest of my muffin in the trash as I head to the door.

The late afternoon sun feels hotter now than it did earlier, but I still find myself looking at it, wondering what the sunset will look like tonight. I have to admit, the sunsets here during the summer are amazing. For what, I’m not sure. It’s a reassuring feeling I get when I’m afforded the opportunity to watch.

I’m the first to arrive at Jacobs’ class. Thankfully, he’s nowhere to be seen, and if I have any sort of luck on my side, his grad assistant will be the one administering today’s test. I use the few minutes of quiet to close my eyes. I’m exhausted. Sleeping in a strange bed hasn’t done much for me, but going home would’ve been worse in my opinion.

I jolt awake at the sound of voices and quickly wipe at my chin, afraid I was drooling. Clearing my throat and sitting up, I smile at my classmates. A few give me strange looks, confirming I did, indeed, fall asleep. I can only hope I wasn’t snoring.

Thankfully, Jacobs’ assistant enters the room, giving me a reprieve for a few more hours. I’m not ready to give my professor an answer on the internship. I want to talk to Elle and see what she thinks. Her opinion is important to me, and I’ve always shared things with her.

The assistant starts the clock, and I get to work on what feels like a senior thesis more so than a test. Once again, I find myself out of focus and need to rub my eyes to clear away my blurred vision. When the graduate student announces we have ten minutes left, I feel as if I haven’t written a single word, yet the page is covered in my messy handwriting. I barely have time to look over what I wrote when he calls time, and my classmates start to walk down the steps to drop off their papers. He doesn’t say anything as I set mine in the basket, nor does he even look in my direction. Honestly, why should he? To him, I’m nothing more than a number.

On my way out of class, a few of the women smile and tell me they’ll see me later. I shake my head and say nothing. I don’t know if they’re assuming I’ll be at one of the many frat parties tonight or what, but the likelihood is, I won’t. I want to head home, take a swim, relax in the hot tub and finish my night off with a long shower with decent water pressure. The rooms on campus lack greatly in this department.

The traffic home is light, and I’m there within twenty minutes. The sun has set, and I’m honestly surprised to find our outside pool empty since it’s so warm out. A quick peek inside our rec room shows it’s empty, which is perfect. I like the solitude, the peace, and quiet.

I walk past Elle and Quinn’s door and pause. My hand’s raised to knock, but I refrain. I’m not sure why, other than I need to decompress this evening. There’s no doubt in my mind Elle will be over later or at least call me. A few hours by myself will be enough.

After I unlock and open my door, I jump at the loud chorus of voices yelling “surprise.” In the center of my room stands Elle, she’s wearing a party hat and blowing one of those ridiculous paper horns. Peyton and Quinn flank her, and while Noah’s here as well, there’s a group forming around him. I don’t envy him for a second with his career. The poor guy can’t go anywhere without someone asking for his autograph or a picture. Same goes for Quinn and his music. He already has a fan base following him around. I suppose they’re all used to it though.

“Happy birthday,” Elle says to me as she wraps her arms around my waist. This feels good, holding her close to my body. I’m not sure I can let her go for the last quarter of school.

“Thank you.” I look into her blue eyes and know I can’t leave. Tearing my gaze away from her, she uses this moment to disengage from me. The loss is immediately felt and is a stark reminder we’re only friends. I look at the rest of the people in my small apartment and nod. “Thank you all for coming. This truly means the world to me.”

One by one, people come up to me, shaking my hand and giving me well wishes. Most of these people I’ve never seen before in my life, and it makes me wonder who they are, where they came from and why they’re here. Most, if not all, have to be friends of Elle’s, which has me questioning, is this my party or hers?

There are a few classmates, and the girls who said they’d see me later are here. I can’t remember their names though, and they didn’t bother telling me what they are when they wish me a happy birthday. They’re in the corner, chatting up Quinn, who raises his bottle of water in my direction. I wish I had his charm when it came to the opposite sex. If I did, I probably wouldn’t pine after Elle the way I do.

“Hey, thanks for coming. You guys didn’t have to fly in from Chicago for this.” I kiss Peyton on her cheek and shake hands with Noah. Since Peyton’s accident, she and I have grown closer. We’ve become each other’s confidant, and she’s really the only one who knows how I feel about Elle. For a while, we thought Elle was dating someone. I’m still not convinced she isn’t, but whoever it may be, they never come around. I wouldn’t put it past Elle to date someone her parents don’t approve of either. Lately, she’s on this rebellious streak, trying to make the most out of her life, according to her.

“We’re happy to be here, Ben,” Peyton says. “Besides, I miss my parents and the beach.”

“And the warmer weather,” Noah adds.

“Yeah, you guys had a major snowstorm the other day. I can easily say I’ll take the L.A. weather over Chicago’s.”

“You’re telling me. Thankfully, I don’t have to shovel. I never thought I’d love living in an apartment, but let me tell you, it’s heaven right now.” Noah looks at Peyton with nothing but love in his eyes. I have no doubt this is exactly how I look at Elle. The only difference is Peyton returns his admiration, and Elle, well I’m not entirely sure because I refuse to ask, out of fear. I don’t want her to tell me we’re friends and we’ll never be anything more. Deep down, I know this. I just don’t need to hear the words.