Any reservations I had about Ben are gone. His hands and lips feel perfect against my body. The sensations I’m feeling are like no other. I’m anxious, and I have butterflies in my tummy. I’m nervous because I’m afraid he’s going to pull away.

That he might realize this isn’t what he wants, Yet, I’m so over the moon happy because he’s here and in my arms, and he’s kissing me.

Ben and I part, and I use this opportunity to rub my thumb over his freshly kissed lips. I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. Everything about this moment feels right and perfect. That is until Talia’s face pops into my mind. I disengage from Ben, despite his attempt to hold onto me.

“What’s wrong,” he asks.

“Talia. Isn’t she your girlfriend? Because you said she was and we were just kissing… I don’t want to come between the two of you.” There’s a pinch in my heart, thinking Ben is already committed. It’d be my own fault for waiting so long, for not asking him again when he started pulling away what really happened the night of his birthday. This would be karma at its best, and I deserve it.

“If she were my girlfriend, I wouldn’t have kissed you like I just did and I definitely wouldn’t be here, sitting on your couch, thinking about how much I want to be with you right now.”

“I’m a bit confused. Do you live with her?”

He shakes his head. “No, we work together. We’re part of an internship at Omni.”

“Omni? Oh, Ben, that’s wonderful.” I’m truly happy for him. Omni is the best marketing company in the world according to my dad.

“It’s a dream come true.”

His words give me pause. His hopes and dreams, they should be my priority as mine has been his. He came with me to California because I asked him to, even though I knew he would excel at a different school. But, the thought of being away from him for years, and only seeing him on vacations made me physically ill.

What kind of friend am I? I get up from the couch and pace the small living area of my suite. I’m tense, and my hands fidget with anything they can touch. I tug at the hem of my shirt. My hands push into my hair, pulling it from side to side. I bite the end of my nail and pick at the skin around it until I dig too deep, causing me to cry out.

Ben’s hands are on my shoulders. He’s comforting me when I don’t warrant his affection. “I’m such a horrible person,” I say, turning to face him. “You… you’ve been my rock for years, and I’ve been nothing in return. I should’ve never asked you to move to Los Angeles. How can you stand me?”

“Because I love you,” he says as if it’s the simplest answer ever.

“But why, Ben?”

He gently holds his hands against my cheeks and looks into my eyes. “You make me smile, Elle. I laugh when I’m with you, and when we’re not together, my heart doesn’t feel the same. I can’t tell you why or how, but to quote Selena Gomez, the heart wants what it wants, and my heart wants you.”

“Your heart is familiar with me.”

Ben pushes my hair behind my ear, never breaking eye contact with me. “From the moment I met you, I fell hard. I chased Peyton in the hallway because I was adamant she was you, and when I saw you sitting at the table, it was like the sun was only shining down on you. You gave me the time of day when you could’ve easily told the new kid to get lost.”

“I thought you were hot.”

“And we became friends because that’s what my mom told me to do. She said friends first, but Elle, every time we went out, I wanted to kiss you goodnight. Every vacation we went on, I told myself this would be the moment, and yet I never said or did anything.”

“Why not?” I step a bit closer and place my hands on his waist. Ben smiles and pulls me to him.

“I was afraid of ruining our relationship. At that time, I’d rather have you as my best friend than anything else.”

“What changed?”

Ben leans down and kisses the tip of my nose. I want more, but not until he answers the question about Talia. “Peyton’s accident really hit home. When I saw her in the hospital, I had this moment. I realized I didn’t want to be your best friend anymore. I wanted more. I wanted us to build a life together, start a family.”

“You wanted, but not anymore.”

“Bad choice of a word,” he says. “I still want it, but up until you accosted me on the street, I had no idea how you felt.”

I step out of his grasp and turn toward the sliding glass door. The city is still alive and bustling with activity. The last time I was here, I rarely left the hotel room or the tour bus. Most of the time when my sister and I, and sometimes Ben, would tour with the band, we were isolated, or we didn’t have time to explore. It all depended on schedules.

“Up until the night of your birthday, I hadn’t looked at you as anything more than a friend.” I stare out the window with Ben’s reflection behind me. “There was a girl, she was flirting with you, and I saw red. I thought, ‘what is she doing with my man?’ and I had no right to interfere, but I did. I was drunk and acting stupid, and yet you placated me when you should’ve told me to go home. We fought, I remember that clearly.” I turn to face him. “What I blocked out was when we started kissing and how I started taking your clothes off. You asked me if I were sure and I said I was. I wanted to be with you Ben, please never doubt that.”

“Then how do you explain the morning after?” he asks.

“Fear. Being afraid I ruined the best thing in my life.” I shrug. “My therapist says I blocked it out because I was scared that our friendship was over.”

“Therapist?”

I nod. “I’ve been going. She helped me remember that night, and once I did… God, Ben I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. You deserve so much better than me.”

Ben rushes toward me, his mouth colliding with mine. It’d be so easy to get lost in this kiss, to tangle our limbs together between the sheets and forget everything, but I can’t. I find myself pulling away again.

“Elle,” he whispers my name with so much passion, my knees buckle. What I wouldn’t give to be able to love him freely right now.

“Tell me about Talia. I know you, Ben. You must feel something for her.”

Ben takes my hand and leads me over to the sofa where we sit down together, our thighs touching. “Like I said, we work together. We live across the hall from each other because that’s where our manager put us. I guess for weeks we’ve sort of been dancing around each other. I’ve been hesitant because I’m in love with you, the quarter is almost over, and I just wasn’t sure.”

“But you like her, unless you go around kissing people for the fun of it.”

Ben smiles. “No, I do like her, but she’s not you, and honestly, that’s been my biggest battle, trying to get over you.”

“When were you under me?”

Ben laughs and shakes his head. “Seriously? You’re going to quote Ross right now?

I shrug. “We are in the city. I figured why not.”

Again, Ben starts playing with my hair. His jovial expression turns serious. “I’ve been under you, your spell, or whatever it’s called, since freshman year. And honestly, I’m glad I have, but moving forward, I’d love the chance to put you under mine, to show you what kind of man I am.”

Kiss him, you crazy fool. “And Talia?”

“I need to talk to her. I owe her at least that, plus an apology. She’s really sweet and kind, and honestly, if I weren’t in love with you, I’d pursue something with her.”

“You told me she was your girlfriend. You led me to believe you were living with her.”

Ben pulls back and sighs. “I’m not happy about lying to you, but I didn’t know any other way. I thought if I told you I had a girlfriend, you’d leave me alone. What I didn’t count on was you realizing I was gone. Stupid, on my part, but thought you wouldn’t notice, especially since I started separating myself from you.”

“Because I didn’t remember?”

He nods.

I grab his cheeks and turn him to face me. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why not yell and scream at me? Confront me? I knew something had happened, but I couldn’t figure it out. When Peyton and I went to Aruba, Noah had made sure the plane had roses and champagne for her, and I told her I wanted a love like hers. She told me I had it if I opened my eyes and finally looked at you. I told her then that I thought we slept together but wasn’t sure. All week, I thought about you and what you were doing, wondering if you missed me half as much as I missed you.”

“Believe me, I have.”

“So why not tell me, Ben?”

He inhales deeply and looks away. Ben pushes his thumb and index finger into his eyes. He does this when he’s about to cry. “I was afraid you’d tell me it was a mistake and I’d rather live with you not remembering than hating me for the rest of my life.”

“Oh, Ben,” I cry out as tears start to fall from my eyes. I climb into his lap and pepper him with kisses, ones I hope he wants from me. “I could never hate you, even when you were trying to push me away. I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure out my life, and the only thing that makes sense to me is you. You’ve been my constant for as long as I can remember and I don’t want to give that up unless you do.”

Ben’s arms wrap around my waist. “Not a chance in hell. I’ve been waiting for you for a lifetime.”

“Can we try, Ben? Can we date and see if our connection is real, and not based on years of friendship? I want us to be sure, the both of us.”

“I’ll happily date you, Elle Powell-James. Starting with tomorrow morning. Can I show you the city?”

I nod. “I’d really like that, but first we need some sleep.” I slip off his lap and take him by the hand, pulling him into the bedroom. The comforter’s pulled back from when I was lying in here earlier. I kneel on the bed and look at Ben. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, except if I stay here, I’m going to want to touch you and I think we should wait.”

“Wait for what?” I question.

“Until we’re sure. Sex complicates things.”

“We’ve slept in the same bed before, Ben. We can put a pillow between us.”

Ben laughs as he comes into the room farther. He takes my hand and kisses the top of it. “I’m in love with you, and I’m not asking you to say it back to me, I am asking that you let us take things slow, let our relationship build until the point where we know without a doubt that we want to be together.”

“I can do that,” I tell him. I rise on my toes and place a kiss on his lips. “Until tomorrow.”

“Bright and early. I’ll pick you up.” Ben kisses me again. It’s short and perfect and leaves me longing for more. “Sweet dreams, Elle.”