Sacha
I stood in my bathroom, naked, which wasn't all that unusual, except this time it was because I had to take a serious look at myself. I'd given myself a pep talk while I showered, but it hadn't helped. No matter how I tried to look at the bright side of my situation, I couldn't shake a sense of impending doom.
Which wasn't a good mind-set for someone about to take a pregnancy test.
I hadn't eaten or slept well the day before, after my meeting with Dan. The uncertainty surrounding my job these past few weeks had totally stressed me out, so the physical symptoms I was feeling were probably directly related. My monthly cycles have always been irregular, and even Kevin couldn't get me pregnant after years of trying. So I hadn't even thought about missing my last period. But the possibility of a pregnancy, however remote, had festered in the back of my mind. Taking the pregnancy test was simply a way to prove my imagination was on overdrive, and thus remove that subject as another source of stress. Once the test was over, I could eliminate pregnancy from my long list of worries.
Besides, I'd received an email from the adoption agency last night, indicating I was being considered. I'd had a phone interview with them months before, and now they wanted even more information. I had stayed up late filling out their forms and obsessed about it for hours afterward. But at least I was moving forward with the adoption. It was the one bright spot in my life, something I could look forward to happening.
If I could afford to support the child.
Desperately wanting to feel normal again, I opened the packaging of the pregnancy test. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink yet, so I hoped to obtain an accurate reading. Following the directions, I peed on the stick and set it down on the sink. Then I grabbed a robe and headed to the kitchen.
I returned a few minutes later with a steaming mug of coffee and a clearer head. It would be nice to stop worrying. It was foolish, really. Although it was entirely possible my one encounter-with the mysterious mountain man-could have made me pregnant, it wasn't likely.
Setting the mug on the counter, I picked up the stick. It had two faint blue lines in the circle. Two.
Wait. What?
No. It can't be.
Something must be wrong. The test was faulty. I read the directions over, but it was correct. Two lines in the circle meant positive.
Pregnant.
I sank to the floor on my knees. The bathroom rug was still damp from my shower. The robe slid from my shoulder, and my still-wet locks hung down, chilling my back. Gooseflesh rose over my skin, though my face felt furnace-hot. The tiny stick was still in my hand, mocking me. Was this a dream? Or a nightmare?
No fucking way.
It had to be a cruel joke. I'd waited all my life for this moment, but never imagined it would be like this. If it wasn't a mistake, I had only a spotty recollection of how this had happened, and I didn't even know the father's full name.
Images of that night flashed in my mind, but they were still fuzzy. It had been a bad idea, but now it was too late for regret. In any case, what should have been the happiest moment of my life was now tangled up with guilt and shame.
But a tiny sprout of happiness grew in my heart. To finally be pregnant would be a blessing, no matter how it came about. If I dared to believe it was true.
A tear slipped down my cheek. I brushed it away. It couldn't be true. There had to be a mistake. I'd go to the drugstore and buy another test. Or two.
As I dressed, I looked in the mirror at my body. Turning sideways, I saw the slight pouf of my belly. But hadn't it been that way for a while? I was nearly forty. Maybe it was middle age spread creeping up on me. It couldn't be a baby.
Could it?