I sat in my kitchen, opposite my mom. We were supposed to be eating, but all I could do was push my food around my plate.

When was the last time I saw Stacey? I thought, my heart heavy. I miss her…

She was going through a lot. I wanted to be there to help her through it all, but it was her family she had to deal with. After my mom had dropped all that on the both of us, she’d kept quiet, and I’d known right then, that Stacey would need some space from me.

How much space, though?

I was too afraid to think it through, worrying that she wouldn’t want to see me at all after all this.

“How has school been?”

I looked up at Mom. She was eating and looking down at the table, not meeting my eyes. How many days had it been since the incident at her house? Nearly a week, if not more. I’d stopped counting the days at some point. This wasn’t the first time Mom had tried breaking the silence with small talk, but I… just really didn’t feel like talking to her.

“School is fine, Mom,” I muttered, then looked down at the food I was squishing with my fork.

“When do you think you’re going back?”

I shot her a frown, but she didn’t look up, so she didn’t even see it. “I don’t know, Mom,” I said with impatience. “I haven’t thought about it. I can’t think about it right now.”

“You’re going to have to think of it soon, though,” she said, but her voice sounded tired, and I couldn’t argue back. She continued, “This is your final year, remember? You’re going to graduate soon, and I don’t want you messing that up, okay?”

I just sighed. I knew all that, but the last thing on my mind was school. I wondered how many of the people there even knew about what had happened, how many of them would be there for Rod’s funeral. I hadn't heard anything about when it was going to be, but it couldn’t be too far off.

There was another length of silence, and again, my mom was the one to break it.

“I’ve been talking with Paul…”

I let out an explosive breath, dropping the fork as loudly as I could, and sat back in my chair. Mom ignored it all.

“I’ve been talking with Paul,” she repeated. “And we thought it would be better if we rented a house where the three of us are going to stay.”

All I could say was, “Seriously, Mom?”

She didn’t reply, didn’t raise her head, and I wondered if this was how things were going to be from now on.

We hadn't talked at all. Yeah, she asked trivial things, if I liked dinner, what I wanted to eat for the day. She’d even taken leave off work. But even though she was around all the time now, we talked a lot less. We were both orbiting around the house, and I wasn’t sure if she was deliberately trying to avoid me like I was her, but we barely caught sight of each other unless we were both in the kitchen because it was time to eat. Even then, we spent the whole time in silence and went our separate ways.

It hardly felt like we were a family anymore.

Finally, after a long wait, Mom looked up. Her eyes were red, and I wondered how much of her time around the house she spent crying. I pretended not to hear her because I wasn’t sure she even deserved to cry. She was an adult. She had made her decisions, and I couldn’t say whether or not they were the wrong ones, but considering what it all led to, what was the point of her regret now?

It wouldn’t bring Rod back.

Fuck.

Just thinking his name made my chest ache, and I sucked in a harsh breath. It was my turn to avoid my mom’s eyes, and I blinked rapidly to push back the tears.

“I know this isn’t the best situation, Kevin,” she said softly, while I stayed silent and listened. “I know the situation we find ourselves in is greatly my fault, but… I swear to you I never meant for this to happen.”

“Of course, you didn’t,” I muttered. “But it still happened.”

She sighed. “I would like it if we could talk again if you and I could be a family like we used to.”

I looked up with a glare then. “You mean before you started fucking my friend’s dad? Or he found out, and it messed him up?”

She winced. “Kevin…”

“How do you not realize this? Mom, if he comes to us and suddenly becomes a part of our ‘family,’ that leaves Stacey alone with her mom. Not unlike how you were with me.”

“Paul said he was going to continue to support them. Stacey is his daughter; he wouldn’t just abandon her.”

I sneered. “Technically, he already has.”

Mom sighed. She folded her hands together on the table and played with her fingers as she talked. “Things have been…strained at his house. They only let him back home a day ago, and he says neither of them wants him around. So, I just thought the move would be best.”

I tried to be understanding. This was my mother. She might not have spent a lot of time with me, but that wouldn’t change. I knew she wasn’t the kind of person that would butt into someone’s family just because, there had to be a good reason. Maybe she did love Rod’s dad. I didn’t want to ask because I wanted to keep the rules between us in place; she didn’t pry into my life, I didn’t pry into hers.

This was one area where I needed that rule.

“How about I just…find a place and move out,” I offered. “I could stay by myself…”

“And how would you pay for this place on your own?” she asked, looking up at me with an arched eyebrow. “I can't afford to get you a separate place, not while Paul and I will be renting a house. I’m mainly doing it for your sake, Kevin. At least, until you graduate.”

“What happens then?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Paul and I were thinking of moving permanently after that. Because once things come out in town, I don’t think I’m going to be very welcome here. And I don’t want you to have to deal with that. It’ll only be for a few more months…”

“Nearly half a year,” I corrected. “If the two of you are renting a house together, it won’t take people nearly that long to figure out something is going on between you guys.”

Mom chewed on her bottom lip, her fingers twisting and untwisting together in agitation. I wondered just how much she’d thought this through. If she’d thought everything through, and if she did, why she didn’t stop before shit escalated.

“When do we move?” I asked, sighing. It didn’t look like she had the answers. Some adult she was.

“Sometime within the next week or so. We want to hurry up and get settled, so you can start going back to school again. I’ll help you find a place to move into after graduation before I leave. I just…need to get some savings in order.”

I didn’t object to us moving, couldn’t because I didn’t want to live next door to my best friend’s house. Not when he was dead, and my mom was taking a great deal of the blame. It hurt too badly, and maybe, later on, thinking of his name wouldn’t hurt as badly, but I had my guilt to carry, as my mom did.

I should have just fucking told him about Stacey. He probably blamed his dad and my mom for keeping shit from him, and there I was, his best friend, keeping a secret just as big.

Even if he would have gotten mad, I should have had the balls to come out and say it. I should have insisted when Stacey didn’t want to spill things out yet. He was my best friend, and I felt like I’d royally let him down in a way that I couldn’t take back.

I’m so sorry, Rod…

“Whatever,” I muttered, looking down at the counter instead of my mom. “I’ll have my shit packed before then.”

I’ll need to tell Stacey, I thought, then grimaced.

It would be fucking awkward living in the same house as their dad. I still remembered mine, still remembered seeing him passed out on the floor, dying, while I was a kid. And, I remembered going to Rod’s house, ever since I was a kid, and sitting to dinner with their family, a part of me feeling envious. I’d wanted that life; having a sibling and both my parents alive and there every day. At one point, I’d even felt bitterness over it. Rod found out, but all he did, was tell me I could share his.

And now, I was all but taking it away.

It was just another thing to feel guilty over. That perfect family had been broken apart by my mom.

Whatever. I can just avoid them. Just because we’ll be living together doesn’t mean I’m okay with all this. They shouldn’t have done it in the first place, and keeping it a secret…

“How long,” I asked suddenly, badly wanting to know. “Just…how long were the two of you together? And how long did Rod know?”

Mom was silent for so long; I thought she wouldn’t answer. But then, she did.

“Years…” she whispered, voice so quiet, I might not have heard if the house wasn’t so quiet. “It’s been years. And Paul thinks Rod had known for about a month, maybe. Carol just a bit longer than that.”

And he hadn't thought to tell me a thing, or even Stacey. Because he didn’t want to worry us with it?

Or because he knew we were keeping things from him, and he didn’t trust us.

“I lost my appetite,” I said, getting up. I’d barely eaten anything. It had been like this for the past few days, but as I left the kitchen, Mom didn’t try to call me back.

My face crumpled as I rushed up the stairs and to my room. I slammed the door behind me, clicking it closed, and slowly slid down as tears spilled out of my eyes.

Damn it, Rod! If you’d said something, I could have helped. If I’d paid more attention to you and less to Stacey, especially after you talked to me that day… I would have stopped you from getting in that fucking car.

That’s what hurt the most for me. I’d seen the signs that things weren’t right. I just didn’t pay attention to them. More than anything, more than the pain of losing my friend, was my guilt of failing him that made me want to move far away.