KATE

1.

I let Jason sleep in my bed. The only time I allowed him to do that was when he was sick. But tonight, well, I was the one that needed him. He didn’t ask anything about Sawyer being there. He woke up from a bad dream and just needed to know I was there and everything was okay.

He slept and I sat up in bed, looking down at him.

I wasn’t even sure if crying was an option.

I wasn’t sure how to handle the Sawyer situation. Him just showing up and showing up to the diner and wanting to be sexy and flirty. That was fine. That was one thing. But showing up to my apartment… and I let myself slip. I let myself fall back into the past as we kissed.

But the kiss was so good. It was what I remembered and what comforted me.

Truthfully, I wished he was still there with me. So I could tell him everything that had happened while he was gone. Tell him everything about Jason. What Sawyer saw and what he thought were probably two different things.

I reached across the bed and touched Jason’s hair.

I lowered my head and felt my heart twisting and aching.

I should have taken off when Sawyer did. Gotten out of Hundred Falls Valley and away from the world of St. Skin. But I didn’t leave. I stayed with the hopes that Sawyer would come back. Everything in my life was put on hold because I believed in my heart that Sawyer would return.

But he never came back. And the pain and confusion of losing him was replaced with the responsibility of Jason. He became the number one person in my life to care for. I wouldn’t change it though. I loved Jason with all my heart and promised to make sure he had the best life I could provide. The last thing I needed was the storm called Sawyer to enter his life and cause any problems. Stepping on my heart was one thing. But stepping on Jason’s was something else. That’s why I shut the door and locked it on Sawyer when he saw Jason. I knew there were conversations that needed to happen, but it wasn’t time yet.

I wasn’t ready yet.

I was afraid when Sawyer knew the truth, he’d leave - this time for good.

* * *

2.

I dropped Jason off at school and hugged him extra tight. There was no reason for the extra tight hug, other than my own fears about what was going to happen next with Sawyer in town and him seeing Jason.

At least I knew Jason was okay for the next few hours.

I got into my car and considered going to the diner. To be a customer, not an employee. Yes, I was that person, on her day off, still wanting to go into work. If anything, I should have been using my days off from the diner to help Maggie with her business. Then eventually work for her. And to work for St. Skin. Make actual money that could take me and Jason from the apartment and into a decent house.

I skipped the diner and just went back home.

It was a good day to relax on the couch and forget about life for a few minutes.

Only that wasn’t in the cards for me.

The second I saw the motorcycle, I knew it was Sawyer’s. My heart skipped a beat and my breath caught in my throat. I could have kept driving and just avoided him. Or maybe swing by St. Skin to tattoo the word asshole across Tate’s forehead for telling Sawyer where I lived. But Tate meant well. He always meant well. That was part of his own downfall. Forever believing the fate between me and Sawyer. And yet Sawyer had this notion from time to time that me and Tate were having a thing or had a thing. Yes, Tate had been there for me after Sawyer left. Big shocker - I hugged Tate several times. I slept in his arms more than once, crying myself to sleep. On his couch. And, yes, there were even a couple times we shared a bed.

But my heart was forever loyal to Sawyer. It was almost like being cursed.

Cursed to love him.

I parked my car and went inside to face Sawyer.

I found him on the second floor of the apartment building, pacing back and forth like an animal at the zoo desperate for an escape.

“Sawyer,” I said, getting his attention.

He stopped instantly and looked at me. “Kate.”

I swallowed hard.

I felt the color leave my face.

I saw his lip curl.

And he asked the most obvious question.

“Is that kid mine?”

* * *

3.

I pointed to the door. “Why don’t we go inside and sit down?”

“I’m not playing games, Kate. I thought about this all fucking night. I haven’t slept yet. When I left… how old that kid looks…”

“I know,” I whispered. “It matches up, Sawyer.”

“Jesus Christ, darling,” he said. “I left when you were…”

“Just come inside, Sawyer,” I said. “Please.”

I walked to the door and unlocked it.

We entered the apartment and I went to make some coffee.

He just stood there, arms crossed, waiting for me to answer his question.

I rinsed out the coffeepot of that morning’s coffee and refilled it. I dumped the coffee grounds and scooped fresh ones.

“Kate,” Sawyer growled. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t fucking hide from me right now.”

I slammed the top of the coffeemaker and turned. My hand grabbed the spoon I had used to scoop the coffee and I threw it at Sawyer.

It hit him in the chest and fell to the floor. He crouched and picked it up, walking it to the table. He put his hands to the table and looked at me. He started to nod.

“What?” I asked as the smell of coffee started to linger in the air.

“You don’t answer me and my mind is going to do its thing.”

“Meaning what?”

“Meaning you don’t want to tell me that the kid isn’t mine. Meaning you don’t want to tell me that… you had a thing. You and Tate had a kid. What is it?”

“Fuck you, Sawyer,” I spat. “That’s where you go? The first thing you think is that I’d jump into bed with someone? And Tate? You’re out of your mind.”

“My lingering image of you and him is you touching his face,” he said. “You didn’t come looking for me that night, darling.”

“You’re right. I didn’t. Because I hated you, Sawyer. For everything that happened.”

“Two way street, Kate,” he said. “Two hearts got crushed.”

“One is still crushed,” I said in a shaky voice.

Sawyer moved from the table and closed in on me. “And you think mine isn’t?”

“I don’t know what I think anymore, Sawyer.”

“I came here last night to see you. I wanted to talk to you. Hear your voice. And, yes, maybe I wanted to steal a kiss or two. Just to taste you again. Because nothing in my life ever tasted so good. And as I’m standing there, feeling all those familiar spots on your body. The way you kiss me back. The intentions in my heart. A kid appears and calls you Mommy…”

“Sawyer, believe me, I didn’t mean for you to find out that way.”

“I’m sure. You still haven’t answered my question, darling.”

I looked up into his eyes. I swallowed another lump back down my throat. “Are you really still crushed because of us?”

“I’m an outlaw riding a road that never ends, waiting for one more chance to look into your eyes because it’s the only place I feel home.”

I looked down. I reached back for the counter to keep myself from falling in more ways than one.

“Fine,” I whispered. “Sit down, Sawyer. I want to show you something.”

* * *

4.

I wanted to trust Sawyer and in some ways, I already did. There was something about him, so instant, that made me confused and hurt at the same time. There was plenty to talk about, plenty to really show him, but I watched as he took a seat in a chair.

He was nervous.

He was worried about Jason.

His mind trying to add up the dates. Assuming Jason’s age. Assuming the time he took off and left me stranded. And while he asked me if Jason was his son, what he really wanted to ask me was if Tate was Jason’s father. That was the question of the century for Sawyer. Because somewhere he always thought it was destined to happen between me and Tate.

“Do you want a cup of coffee, Sawyer?” I asked.

“Depends on what you’re going to show me. I might need a stiff drink.”

“No,” I said. “I actually have a day off work today. But I still have to get Jason from school.”

“School?”

“Pre-k. He goes a few days a week. Next year he’ll do the same and then be ready to go to kindergarten. It’s more of a glorified daycare right now, but it’s really nice. He has friends. The teachers love him. I get to go there when I have time and draw pictures for the kids. Or try and teach the kids how to draw.”

“Wait a second,” Sawyer said. He pointed at me. “You teach kids how to draw?”

“Yeah.”

“I never thought I would see that day.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You have no patience, darling.”

“Excuse me? I have no patience? Am I not raising a kid on my own? Doing everything I can to provide on my own?”

Sawyer smirked. “That’s different.”

“Oh, right. Because you know all about that stuff, don’t you?”

“Thought you had something to show me,” Sawyer said.

“No. Not yet.” I stepped closer to the table and put one hand on it and pointed at Sawyer. “You know, I have job offers out there. Tate all but begs me to work at the shop. And my friend Maggie…”

“Why don’t you work at St. Skin? You’d be great.”

“Tattooing? Honestly?”

“You could learn. Or at least work there in some capacity. Instead of slinging food around a diner.”

“See, that’s the reason why. I’m not someone’s favor. I’m not a giant ball of pity. Okay? I’m going to survive on my own terms.”

“Stubborn,” Sawyer whispered. “No patience. But as beautiful as ever.”

“Spare me,” I said, pushing from the table.

“You’re a fool, Kate,” Sawyer said. “You have a kid to raise and you’re being stubborn about getting help.”

“Because it’s so easy to accept help in this town,” I said. “So, okay, fine, let’s play this out, Sawyer. I take help from Tate. I go to work at St. Skin. Then what? The rumors start. The whispers echoing louder than actual words. Everyone wanting to know about me. About him. About Jason. That kid is as innocent as they come and he’s got a long life of truths coming his way. And then there’s… you.”

“Me?” Sawyer asked.

“Yeah. Look at you. You come right back to town and try to pick up where things left off. And the first fucking thing you worry about is Tate. You’re jealous of him.”

Those last four words slipped off my tongue. But you know what? They felt good to say. Because it was true.

Sawyer stood up from the table. He turned his head and inched back, fully turning to face the coffeemaker. He opened the cabinet above and took out two mugs. They clanked together as I stood with my heart in my throat. I worried the wrong thing would make Sawyer leave, but at some point, he had to come to terms with reality. And with the truth. Barging into my life wasn’t going to give him a sense of power over me. I had too much to protect and too much to lose. I wasn’t the same Kate anymore. I wasn’t going to chase him down a dark alley, running from the local cops, waiting to have him find some secret spot so we could find new places to explore on each other.

I watched him prepare my coffee.

Exactly how I wanted it.

My mind instantly flashed to a few times Tate spent the night. He slept on the couch, of course. But times when I needed someone to be there for me who truly understood everything. Those next mornings were never awkward with Tate, but he always had to ask me how I wanted my coffee.

Not Sawyer.

Years later and he walked the mug to me, and I could tell by the smell and color it was going to be perfect.

I hate you, Sawyer. I hate you.

My eyes locked with his but I didn’t say the words.

“Jealous of him,” he whispered. “I could say a lot to that, Kate. But I won’t. I won’t play the blame game. I won’t play the victim either. All I can say is that I’m standing here because I care. Maybe what I thought I saw and what reality was all those years ago was wrong. But the truth is that my mind hasn’t slowed for a second and after seeing that kid, I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to think anything, darling. Which is why I’m here. Now, if you don’t want to talk about it, fine. But if that kid is mine, I have a right to know. I have a right to digest that. I have a right to figure that out. I was going to pour myself a coffee but I think I’ll skip it. You said it’s your day off. Go enjoy it. I need to find a place to live anyway. Crashing with Tate isn’t going to work for long.”

“You’re staying with Tate?”

“Yeah. We worked things out, remember?” Sawyer pointed to his face.

Right. They worked things out. Like the guys from St. Skin always did. With their fists. They never just talked and opened their hearts. Wild idiots.

“Right,” I whispered. “Sawyer…”

“You keep hesitating,” he said.

“It’s not what you think,” I said.

“Of course not. I don’t know what the hell to think anymore. I was away for years, darling, but I never really left. I opened my own shop. I hired two guys. I barely got to know them. They barely got to know me. I didn’t exist there, Kate. My heart was still here in Hundred Falls Valley and St. Skin. You can think what you want about me, but someday, we should at least talk about it. Everything that happened. Everything that deserves to happen now.”

He slowly reached up and touched my face.

He leaned forward and looked down. Our foreheads touched for a second and I caught myself shutting my eyes, wanting to sink into him. Wanting to tell him everything.

“I’m going to leave,” he whispered. “But I just need to know one thing, darling.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“That kid… Jason… is he mine?”

I had to tell him the truth. I stepped back. I swallowed hard. “No… he’s not your son.”