KATE

1.

I covered my mouth in shock. I should’ve thought this out better. But after spending so much time with Sawyer and sneaking him around like I was a teenager again and my parents hated the bad boy, I wanted him to meet Jason. I didn’t expect Sawyer to bring toys or to have Jason ask him if he was his father.

But the question was out there and Jason waited for an answer.

Sawyer could have just walked away. Instead, he crouched down again to face Jason.

“Well, I’ll be honest with you,” Sawyer said. “I’m not your father, kid. Sorry. I’m a really good friend of your… your mom though. We’ve known each other for a really long time. I just moved back into town and she wanted me to meet you. Hopefully we can hang out. Be friends. Is that okay?”

“I guess,” Jason said. “Do you even like dinosaurs?”

I smiled.

“Well, I don’t know much about them,” Sawyer said. “But I like snakes. You ever hear of an emerald tree boa?”

“Duh,” Jason said. “Who hasn’t?”

“Duh,” Sawyer said. “Want to see something cool?”

“Sure,” Jason said.

Sawyer pulled his right sleeve up and pointed to one of his tattoos. “Check it out.”

“Wow. You have a snake painted on your arm.”

“Yeah,” Sawyer said. “Pretty cool, right?”

“Mom, can I get that too?” Jason asked.

“When you turn eighteen,” I said.

“Ohhhh,” Jason said. “That’s no fair.”

“How about some pizza?” I asked.

“I want to play with my toys.”

“Pizza first,” I said.

“Fine.”

“When we’re done eating, will you show me all the dinosaurs?” Sawyer asked.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I need to learn this stuff, right?”

“I guess,” Jason said.

Sawyer made a fist and put it out.

Jason just stared.

“Make a fist,” Sawyer said.

Jason listened.

“Now touch my fist.”

Jason’s little fist tapped against Sawyer’s large fist.

“There,” Sawyer said. “That’s how we say hi and bye. Okay? Secret handshake.”

“Cool,” Jason said with a big smile. He stared at his own fist as though it were made of gold.

My heart ached and twisted. Jason had no guy figures in his life. That was probably my fault. I shielded him from St. Skin and for no good reason. Other than what everyone would want to talk about. I hated lying about Jason. At the same time, the truth was painful and the story wasn’t anyone else’s business.

“Hey, you okay?” Sawyer asked me.

I blinked fast and smiled. “Yeah. I’m not used to this.”

“Used to what?”

“Jason, why don’t take your new toys into the living room while I talk to Sawyer and get pizza ready.”

“Okay,” Jason said.

“Set up all the dinosaurs,” Sawyer said. “I’ll be going to dino-school soon.”

“Cool,” Jason said.

He hurried away with his bag.

“Used to what?” Sawyer asked me.

“This. You here. Jason. It’s like… things got so twisted and now look at us. I’m raising a kid that isn’t mine. And the first thing he does is ask if you’re his father. He has no idea about his own life and…”

Sawyer touched my face and smiled. “You’re too hard on yourself, darling. Cut yourself some slack. He’s a good kid. He could have run away afraid of me. This is all new for us. All of us. Let’s figure this out together.”

I nodded. “Right. Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Sawyer said. “And eat some damn pizza. I have to go learn about T. rex and stega-rex or whatever it is.”

“Thank you, Sawyer. You have no idea what this means to him. And me.”

Sawyer flipped open the lid of the pizza box and I went to get some plates.

When I turned and saw Sawyer wrestling with the gooey cheese, I heard Jason make a growling sound, imitating a dinosaur.

I sucked in a breath and caught it in my throat. I felt tears fill my eyes. I didn’t want to cry or mean to cry.

But for the first time in a long time… I was actually happy.

* * *

2.

“So I should probably get a notebook and take notes next time,” Sawyer said as he sat on the floor with his legs under the table.

Jason stood at the opposite side of the table, giving a full lesson on the dinosaurs he knew about. I had to admit, I was impressed by what the kid knew. He had always shown an interest in dinosaurs and snakes and that typical boy stuff, but he was spouting off information about the weight of the dinosaurs, what they liked to eat, and all kinds of other stuff like that. He had both myself and Sawyer listening intently.

“You need to pay attention better,” Jason said to Sawyer.

Sawyer laughed.

“Jason, that’s rude to say,” I said.

“No, I’ve heard that before,” Sawyer said. “I was never a good student in school, Jason. Do you pay attention in school?”

“Yes,” Jason said.

“Good. Keep that up.”

“Hey, I think we’re getting close to bedtime,” I said.

“Really?” Jason and Sawyer asked at the same time.

I raised an eyebrow at Sawyer.

“Right,” Sawyer said. “Bedtime it is. I’ll help you clean up the dinosaurs, kid.”

“But what about the drawing?” Jason asked.

“What drawing?” Sawyer asked.

“The drawing we do each night,” I said. “I told you about that.”

“Oh, right. Well, Jason, let’s hurry to clean this up and we can get to the drawing.”

“You know how to draw?” Jason asked.

“Dude, I told you I draw on people for a living.”

“What?”

Oh, crap, this is going to be the moment when Jason decides he wants tattoos all over his body. He’ll grow up and probably work at St. Skin.

“Yeah,” Sawyer said. “I get to draw on people. Like the drawings on my arms.”

“That’s cool,” Jason said. “Will you draw the picture tonight?”

“Yeah,” Sawyer said. “I’d love to. As long as your Mom is okay with it.”

Sawyer looked at me.

“Of course,” I said. “Come on. Let’s get changed and brush our teeth.”

The nighttime routine was redundant but it was important to Jason and to me. It was our alone time, guaranteed time alone, which we both needed as life always seemed to be so hectic.

The three of us gathered in Jason’s room. He sat up in his bed, under the covers. I sat next to him like I always did. Sawyer disappeared and returned with a chair from the dining room table. It was weird to watch but it was like Sawyer knew exactly what to do and how to do it. He managed to take several potential uncomfortable situations and make them feel normal again.

He sat in the chair and put his feet up on the bed. Wearing black socks. It was weird to me to focus on such a random thing about him, but it was really sexy to see. He had a sketchbook on his lap with a pencil in his hand, looking at Jason, smiling.

“So, what’s tonight’s scene?” Sawyer asked.

“I don’t know,” Jason said.

“Oh, come on, you always know,” I said.

“I like this,” Jason said.

“Like what?” I asked.

“Us together,” Jason said. “If you draw that, I’ll be able to remember it.”

My throat tightened. I realized then as much as I needed and enjoyed this sense of family, so did Jason.

Sawyer pulled his feet from the bed and leaned forward toward the bed. “Here’s the thing, kid, I’m not going to draw us.”

“Oh," Jason said, frowning.

“There’s no need,” Sawyer said. “I’ll come hang out anytime you want.”

“Really?” Jason asked.

“Yeah. Sure. I have a lot to learn about dinosaurs. I thought there were only three kinds. T. rex. Raptor. And some tree eating saurus.”

Jason giggled. “You really have a lot to learn.”

“So, how about I draw that… the three dinosaurs I know.”

“Okay,” Jason said.

Once again, Sawyer smoothed over a potentially tough situation with ease.

I was amazed by him.

I watched him start to draw with ease.

Jason was enamored as he watched.

It all felt so right, but this wasn’t how life went every night. It wasn’t easy to raise Jason, or any kid for that matter. I knew I was putting myself at risk with Sawyer, but I had allowed Jason to meet him. Maybe somewhere inside me I hoped this would be the thing we all needed.

But the risk was huge.

Sawyer looked up from his drawing and winked at me.

My heart melted.

I was falling in love with him all over again.

* * *

3.

I found Sawyer in the kitchen drinking a beer.

“Is he asleep?” he asked.

“With his new drawing clutched to his chest. And he wanted to know if you’ll take him to school.”

“School. Right. I can make that happen.”

I stopped at the table and touched the chair. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“What?”

“Tonight. This was over the top.”

“Oh? Is that bad?”

“I didn’t say that,” I said. “I’m just curious.”

“You wanted me to come here, right?”

“I did. I know. I just thought… I don’t know what I thought. Maybe you’d meet Jason and see the reality of my life. That I was fully responsible for someone else. I have to feed him. Make sure he has clothes. That he brushes his teeth. That he goes to bed without having bad dreams. Toys everywhere. A mess everywhere.”

“Kate, what’s your point?”

“You stepped right in. I don’t get it.”

Sawyer gave a nod. “As opposed to what? What did you think I was going to do? Freak out and run?”

“Maybe.”

“Jesus, darling. Do you want to get rid of me?”

“No,” I said. “I just need you to understand my life.”

Sawyer stepped toward me. “Okay, fine. This is different. He’s a cool kid. But he’s not my kid. His story is tough. He’s going to have to face it someday and make sense of it. Which means it’s going to hurt him. It’s going to hurt you. So the sympathy you feel in advance maybe I do too. I didn’t show up with pizza and toys to bribe anyone, Kate. I can’t imagine what it must be like for him to have some random guy in his life. When I was a kid…”

“He has nobody,” I said, my voice crackling a little. I cleared my throat. “No guys in life. I might have really fucked up tonight.”

“How so?”

“I put you right in the mix of this. The way he looks at you. Everything you did. You suddenly matter to him.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“I don’t get it,” I said. “What you’re doing.”

“There it is,” Sawyer said. “You don’t trust me yet. I get it.”

“No, Sawyer… no…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Sawyer said. “Look at my track record.”

“No, I shouldn’t have said it like that,” I said.

I could tell he was hurt.

I lowered my head and lost it.

I had no clue what was actually running through my head right then.

Sawyer wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight. One hand rubbed my back and the other played with my hair. I cried into his steel hard chest for a minute or so before turning my head, gasping for air, realizing I was a hot mess.

“I’m losing it,” I whispered. “You’re back here to be with me and look what my life has become. I can’t be the woman you want.”

“Holy shit, darling, how can you say that?” Sawyer moved me away a few inches and he cupped my face. His thumbs stroked tears from my cheeks. “You are the woman I want.”

“Yeah. A waitress at a diner with a son that’s not even her son. I have a drawer full of past due bills. I’m waiting for the morning to comes where the electricity doesn’t turn on. Or the day Jed shows up and wants his son back.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Sawyer whispered. “That’s a lot of heavy shit at once, Kate. First of all, that Jed thing isn’t going to happen. You have a lawyer to help with anything that happens. You said he’s in jail for a long time.”

“Not forever.”

“But for now. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with work and money. I keep telling you you’re doing amazing and you are. Look at what our parents would have done, Kate. My mother would have taken her last paycheck and handed it over at the liquor store. I know what it’s like to wake up with no electricity. And no food. That’s not going to happen to you or Jason. Your father would disappear for weeks at a time, leaving you to fend for yourself. No wonder your sister ended up on the path she did. But you didn’t. You’re stronger than anyone I know. You don’t have to trust me.”

“I didn’t say that, Sawyer.”

“Let me finish, darling. You don’t have to trust me. The ghosts of my past follow me. They may not be able to touch me but I know they can touch you. Those ghosts will go away someday. What I did tonight… I look at it as my chance to undo some of the shit that was done to me. There was this one guy my mother dated. His name was Billy. He was an addict. But there was this one time he was clean. For about a month. And he would come over and hang out with me. He knew how to draw. He actually sort of taught me a little about drawing. Look where that took me. Maybe someday Jason will be digging for dinosaur bones somewhere, right? Or maybe he’ll be an accountant for a big company and have a great life. But every single moment matters, Kate. That’s why I did what I did tonight. I’ll do it every fucking night. I came back for a reason.”

“Me?” I whispered.

He nodded. “I came back for forever. And the only time I’ve ever felt close to forever was when I was with you.”

Fresh tears spilled from my eyes. I hated being a blubbering fool around him. But in a way, he was the only person I felt comfortable enough around so I could cry. I couldn’t do it near Maggie. She was a great friend but she didn’t know everything.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“No need. It’s why I’m here. You’re too beautiful to cry like this, darling. I will do everything I can to help you. And I’m not buying my way into your life. Into Jason’s life. I’m not feeling pity and guilt either.”

“You’re a natural at this, Sawyer. I’m not. I struggle with so much.”

“Kate. I brought the kid toys and pizza. Of course I look like a natural. If he wakes up sick or has a nightmare, he’s coming to you and you’re going to know what to do. That’s special.”

I reached up and put my hands to his wrists and pushed them away. I had to get close to him again. I buried my face into his chest and felt calm.

I guess I just needed a good cry.

Sawyer picked me up off my feet so I was eye level with him. The tears dried as we started to kiss. He carried me to the bedroom where he put me on the bed, climbed on top of me, and had the perfect way to wash away everything that was bothering me.

He whispered he loved me in my ear and his lips began to kiss my neck. His hands slid up my shirt. I guess I was supposed to get changed into some pajamas anyway, right? Maybe tonight I could wear Sawyer.

I arched my back as my shirt moved up my body. I scrambled to take my shirt off as he kept kissing down my belly. I took off my bra, which was like a giant sigh of relief for my entire body. By then, Sawyer was already gently easing my pants and panties off together at the same time. He inched all the way down to the end of the bed and when I looked down to see what he was going, I saw him taking his shirt off.

I bit my lip at the sight of his muscle laced, tattooed body.

His hands touched my legs and I shivered. He didn’t break his stare as he stood up. A giant of a man. My protector. My lover. The one who was capable of keeping me happy for forever. But also capable of destroying me. That’s what real love was about. The risk of being with someone who could have you and hurt you. And you just had to trust they wouldn’t hurt you.

It also helped when Sawyer took his jeans off right there in front of me, showing me what all those kisses to my body did to his own body. He was rock hard, everywhere, standing tall, everywhere, and he came back down to the bed.

His lips kissed my left breast. So gently, so perfect, making me hiss.

My hands touched the sheets and slowly made two tight fists. My hips lifted off the bed until I felt him touch me.

“Oh, Sawyer,” I groaned. “Please…”

His tongue flirted with my nipple. “Beg me, darling.”

“Please, please please,” I whispered. “I need you.”

He kissed right up to my neck and went to my ear. “I fucking need you more, darling.”

I opened my mouth to argue that statement and he lowered his body down, welcoming himself to me.

He stole my breath as he took my body.

His right hand eased to the small of my back, pulling at me, making sure I felt all of him.

Believe me, I felt everything.

I still couldn’t breathe as his lips began to flirt with mine.

I moved my lips, trying to tell him something.

He bucked his hips, making it clear I wasn’t going to be able to speak or breathe until he was done with me. I opened my hands and traded the sheets for his back, holding tight, my body demanding more of him, which he was willing to give.

We kissed for a second and I went for his neck. Tasting his rough skin, moving to his shoulder, stopping there, biting at him.

The words were still lingering on my lips. The words I wanted to say but didn’t get a chance to.

I love you, Sawyer… I never stopped loving you… I never will stop loving you.