SAWYER

1.

She fell asleep in my arms and melted into me. I had this sinking feeling that she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in a long time. That she hadn’t fallen asleep this deeply in years. Whether it was because of me or the real story behind Jason, it bothered the hell out of me. I didn’t come here to jump into bed with her. At least not like this. But after all we went through, and my years of being gone, the only thing I ever wanted was to make her happy. That was the worst part of being away, to be honest. When the shop would close and I’d turn off all the lights.

I’d be alone.

Yeah, I sometimes had the temporary comfort of a woman, but it was never the same as Kate. Sometimes the booze comforted me more than the women did. Even then, I’d wake up the next day with a pounding headache, hours lost, and look for her as though she was supposed to come with me the night I left.

All that seemed so distant as I held her and watched her sleep.

Whatever had happened to her, it was enough to scare her. Because that’s what she was. Scared. This was a woman now sleeping comfortably because she felt safe with me. That was a burden I would gladly carry for the rest of my life if it meant I got to hold her each and every night.

I let the night slide through my mind again.

Sitting at the bar, talking it up with Pecker like I had never left. Him always busting my balls about owing money for a few drinks. I wasn’t sure if anyone ever paid their full tab with Pecker. The way I reacted to Tate showing up, demanding answers. Maybe it was time for me and him to stop throwing punches and just get down to the truth of a lot of things. The way St. Skin started, grew, almost collapsed, and where it was today. And then Dirt. That loser of a kid turning into a loser of a man. And I would stand by my word that if he went near Kate again, the least of his worries would be a pool stick pressed against his throat.

The night played out and faded.

I inched myself down and smelled Kate’s hair. Sweet shampoo with a hint of the diner. She worked hard and probably got paid too little. Probably juggled bills to decide which was more important to pay this month. All the while making sure Jason was shielded from that shit and was a happy kid.

I pressed my body tighter to Kate’s, letting the shape of her fold into me. I ran my hand down her arm and squeezed over her hand. I felt my muscles tighten as my body wanted to react a certain way with her so close to me. She asked me just to hold her and nothing else, and I wanted to respect that.

Kate stirred in her sleep, sucking in a deep breath and exhaling with a groan. She wiggled her hips and stretched her back, pressing back against me even tighter. I felt her rubbing against me, making me shut my eyes and grit my teeth. The reaction of my body was impossible to hold back, but Kate was fast asleep.

Loving her in that way would take some time.

That was okay with me. Even though I didn’t want it to be okay with me. Because it wasn’t my style. I didn’t do the whole waiting thing. If I saw something and wanted it, I would go for it. No matter what.

But Kate deserved better. Kate deserved patience. She deserved time. She deserved a real man to take care of her.

She deserved the real me.

* * *

2.

I opened my eyes to the beeping alarm. I groaned and propped myself up on my left elbow and saw Kate sitting on the edge of the bed already. She reached for her phone and turned the alarm off. I watched as she put her hands to the bed and arched her back, stretching it, waking up.

Fuck, she’s gorgeous. She’s perfect. This is everything I’ve ever wanted.

Kate pushed off the bed and started to stand.

That’s when I made my move.

I jumped to my left and slid my hand around the front of her body. I pulled her back toward me and sat up as I did so. She was cradled in my arms and I was looking down at her. Smiling. Watching her smile up at me.

“Hey,” I whispered.

“Sawyer,” she said and swallowed hard.

“What? Are you shy now?”

“No. I have things to do.”

“Hard to get yet I’m already in your bed.”

“Please. I told you to sleep here. Like an obedient dog. And you listened.”

“Wow,” I said. “Look at you. Tough.”

“Truth,” Kate said. She pushed up and planted a kiss on my chin.

She tried to move and I grabbed her again. My hands holding her tight, making her face me. The toughness washed from her face when she realized that I was the one in control now.

I moved forward and gently kissed her morning lips. They were soft. She tried to take a breath but it was shuddered and broken.

She kissed me back.

I parted her lips with my tongue, wanting to taste her as the first part of my breakfast. She sighed as we started to kiss. I didn’t care what anyone had to say but there was nothing like kissing the woman you love first thing in the morning. Messy hair. Sleepy eyes. Morning breath. It was perfect.

I slid my right hand up her back and into her hair, spreading my fingers wide, holding her there. My other hand touched her leg but only for a second. I touched her waist and eased up the front of her shirt. My fingertips began to move over the swell of her breast, over her shirt, and there was a thud at the bedroom door.

I jumped back and looked to see the door handle turning.

Kate’s eyes went wide when she realized just how real reality was.

I rolled to my right and off the other side of the bed as the bedroom door opened.

“Hey, good morning,” Kate said.

“Morning,” a groggy, young voice said. “I’m hungry.”

“Hungry? Well, we better get you something to eat. What are you thinking today? Pancakes? Waffles? Cereal? Boogers?”

Jason started to giggle. “That’s gross.”

“Yeah, cereal is gross, huh?” Kate asked.

I smiled.

The joke went way over Jason’s little head.

I listened as she left the bedroom, shutting the door.

That’s when I sat up and put my head back against the nightstand. I let out a long breath and started to laugh. I had quietly snuck around bedrooms many times in my life. But never to escape being seen by a kid. Usually it was some girl’s father or some girl’s boyfriend with a baseball bat looking to dent my skull.

I sighed and rubbed my forehead.

Kate… why is everything with us like this?

I stood up and walked to the door and slowly opened it just enough so I could see out and hear. I couldn’t see anything other than the hallway, but I could hear Kate with Jason in the kitchen.

“You excited for today?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” Jason said.

“You should be.”

“Why?”

“School is fun. Isn’t it?”

“Sometimes.”

“Why only sometimes?”

“I don’t like reading.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not good at it,” Jason said.

“Oh, wait a second, honey,” Kate’s soothing voice said. “You don’t have to be good at it. It’s about learning. That’s why you go to school. You don’t have to know everything, Jason.”

I opened the door some more and snuck out into the hallway. I took my chances as I slid along the wall and down to a point where I could see into the kitchen.

Kate was crouched next to a sitting Jason as he dug a spoon into a bowl of cereal.

“Do you hear me?” Kate asked.

“Yeah,” Jason said.

“Why do you think you need to know how to read?”

Jason shrugged his shoulders.

Kate was patient, calm, perfect at this. She touched Jason’s shoulder and gently shook him. “Hey. Talk to me.”

“I had a bad dream.”

“Oh, no,” Kate said. “A bad dream? About what?”

“I don’t want to tell you.”

“Why?”

“You’ll get mad.”

“I would never get mad at you.”

“Uh-huh, you do get mad at me. Remember when I spilled’ed my drink on the table on the TV remote?”

Kate laughed. “Jason, that’s different.”

“You were mad.”

“I was upset when that happened.”

“What’s the difference?”

Now I was smiling. Watching Kate dig a hole for herself. Trying to do her best to care. One thing I could tell already was that this kid didn’t miss a beat. For a few seconds there I felt my heart aching a little almost wishing he was mine.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kate said softly. “If you want to talk about your dream, I’m here. But you shouldn’t let it ruin your day.”

“I had a dream about a man telling me I was stupid.”

“Oh, now that’s silly,” Kate said. “You’re not stupid. And which man said that?”

“I don’t know,” Jason said. “It was in my dream. I wished’ed a giant snake would come and eat him.”

“Wow,” Kate said. “Now that would be a crazy dream, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jason said, a little more excited. “And then a T. rex shows up, and then he chomps down on the snake, and then he twists his head and throws the snake, and then the snake turns and jumps at the T. rex, and then they fight…”

“Okay,” Kate said. “See? That right there. That’s how I know you’re not stupid. And I don’t like the word stupid. We don’t use that word in this family. You’re smart, Jason. You’re creative. You’re artistic.”

“Huh?” Jason asked.

Kate stood up, laughing. She messed with his hair. “Nothing. Finish eating so we can leave.”

I snuck back into the bedroom and locked the door and sat there, waiting. I couldn’t stop silently laughing and shaking my head as I sat there, keeping quiet, not wanting to get busted by a pre-k kid.

Kate announced it was one minute until time to go. She tried to turn the locked door and gave a quick knock. I opened the door and she quickly slipped inside.

“Hey,” she whispered. “You okay?”

“Just great,” I whispered. “Never thought I would become this.”

“Yeah. Join the club, Sawyer. I’ll be back in a little bit. Half hour or so.”

“So I get to be alone here? I get to go through all your stuff?”

“Not funny,” she said.

“I wasn’t trying to be funny. Hey, do you still wear those thongs like you used to?”

“Shut up,” she said, her cheeks turning red.

“Mom!” Jason yelled. “Can you tie my shoes?”

Hearing the word Mom made my gut sink a little. I saw a look of guilt spread across Kate’s face. Maybe in some fucked up way, I was jealous of hearing Jason call her that. Because the plan in my head had always been for Kate to have my kid. So that if a kid was calling her Mom then I would be Dad. On top of that, hearing Jason call her Mom meant that she had been with someone else… and been with that someone else in such an intimate way that she got pregnant…

“You okay?” Kate whispered.

“Perfect,” I said.

“I’ll be back.”

She inched back and I jumped for her.

I touched her arm and pulled her toward me.

Her eyes went wide. “Sawyer…”

“You’re a great mother,” I said. “Just listening to you talk to him. He trusts you. He loves you. And you’re amazing with him. I hope you realize that.”

Kate grinned. “Thank you for saying that.”

I leaned in and stole a kiss from her.

She put a hand flat against my chest and took a deep breath.

“That’s not fair,” she said.

“What?”

“The way that makes me feel. I hate you.”

“I hate me too, darling,” I said with a grin.

Kate shut the door.

I walked back to the bed and sat down.

I thought about it for a second. The fact that I left. That Kate maybe moved on for a moment. Or maybe she just had a one night fling and that ended with her getting pregnant. Maybe the guy had been there, maybe he hadn’t. Maybe the guy was in Jason’s life, maybe he wasn’t. Either way, I was now looking at the love of my life as a single mother with a kid that wasn’t mine.

I waited for Kate to leave before I exited the bedroom.

That’s when I decided I needed to get out of there.