MY STOMACH ROLLS AS I STEP OUT of my car and pop open my bright pink umbrella. It’s one of those dreary days in Florida — the very few we have — where it’s below sixty degrees and rainy. It rarely happens, but when it does, it seems to take a toll on all of us. We’re usually bathed in sunlight and donning flip flops, so rain boots and big coats don’t sit well with us.
The rain seems absolutely fitting for how I feel, though, so I revel in it. It takes so much effort to smile or even just exist around my sisters right now, knowing how different my reality is from theirs. When I’m alone, I finally get to think, to feel. So, on the way here, I let myself cry — just a little — enough to let a little of the pressure out.
Xavier Rojas’ club makes me feel sick every time I step foot in it, and today is no exception. My feet splash in the puddles as I make my way toward the back entrance. There are a few hours until the club opens, so it should just be me and Xavier and a few of his guards, but that doesn’t make me feel any more at ease. Hands shaking, I pull my coat tighter around my small frame.
The first time I met Xavier, I had tears streaming down my face, snot running from my nose, and a thousand dollars clutched in my hands.
I had danced for money.
And it had broken me.
I can still remember the men staring at me, their hands touching me when the bouncers weren’t looking, their degrading remarks, their dirty money — it’s all seared into my memory. It was almost a numbing experience, being on the stage. I don’t quite remember taking off my clothes, but I can still feel the cold bar grinding against my bare skin. Rock bottom is an understatement when it comes to describing that night. When I handed Xavier that first payment, I knew I couldn’t stomach it again.
So, I found another way.
I sold clothes, shoes, and electronics to give him the second payment. For some reason, Xavier seemed to take pity on me. He agreed to let me pay it over time, but it always feels like his patience is thin, his timeline relative. As I give my name to the outside guard and he quietly ushers me inside the bleak building, I fist the money in my purse, hoping it’ll be enough to buy me more time.
Over break, I saved every penny of Christmas money and thought of small ways to get cash out of my parents. I’m disappointed with myself, but remembering how it felt that night in the club slowly made lying easier until it almost became second nature. I’ll do whatever I have to do to never be in that position again, and once this money is paid, I’m wiping my slate clean for good. Hayden and Kya have ruined pole dancing for me. I never went back to Kitty Heels and I never plan to touch another pole or another line of coke for as long as I live.
“Ashlei, baby,” Xavier greets, standing long enough to wrap me in a hug and kiss both of my cheeks. He’s a short man, all muscles, clean-shaved face and short curly hair. His hugs always engulf me in a scent of cigarettes, ink, and sweat. “Nice to see you again. Come, sit.”
He motions to one of the chairs facing his desk before taking a seat himself, leaning back and crossing his hands over his stomach. I sit lightly, back straight, ass on the edge of the seat. I don’t plan to be here long. It’s always pleasantries with Xavier, but I’ve heard of his darker side. I know Kya has seen it up close.
I never plan to.
“What do you have for me today, sweetheart?”
I shiver at his term of endearment, reaching into my purse for the cash I brought. It’s folded neatly and wrapped in a rubber band. I slide it toward him, folding my clammy hands in my lap as he counts it out.
He sighs, just barely, almost low enough for me to question whether I heard it or not. Lifting his dark eyes to mine, he offers an apologetic smile.
“Ashlei, this isn’t enough.”
“It’s two-thousand dollars,” I croak, my throat dry. It has to be enough.
“You owed me thirty-thousand. You’ve only paid five, and this makes seven. You know it isn’t enough.”
“Please,” I beg, my voice low. My eyes water, and I hate myself for being so weak. “I’m doing all that I can.”
“No!” He screams the word, pounding his fist on the desk and I jump. My heartrate spikes as I wait for his next move. His dark irises are smaller now, his face red, but he pauses, steadying his breathing and unclenching his fist. “No, you’re not.” He levels his eyes and I know he’s referring to dancing. Swallowing, I shake my head.
“I can’t.”
“You might not have a choice.”
“There has to be another way.”
Xavier watches me carefully. “I can’t keep bending the rules for you, kid. If you were anyone else, I would have already killed that pretty girlfriend of yours while you watched.”
I gulp. I’ve tried so hard to keep Bo out of this, not even telling her why Kya showed up at our sorority house at the end of last semester. She’s too pure to be sucked into my black hole.
“I don’t like giving you more time, Ashlei, because it sets a precedent. Other people who owe me are looking at you wondering what it is that makes you so special.” His pudgy fingers pinch the bridge of his nose. “However, I don’t really give two shits what any of those fuckers think about my business, and as it stands, I think we can make a deal.”
My chest is still tight.
He leans back again, tapping the tips of his pointer fingers together as he thinks. “It’s safe to assume you’ll be going on Spring Break with your sisters, am I right?”
“If I can afford it,” I whisper, still focusing on keeping the tears from falling down my cheeks. My stomach is in knots, my eyes tired. It still doesn’t feel like reality. This can’t be my life.
“Tell you what. You bring me at least another five-thousand by this time next week, I’ll make that your last payment.”
Wait, did I hear that right?
“Oh my God.” The tears finally fall, but I’m smiling. Relief — that’s what I feel. “Are you serious? One more payment?” I have no idea how I’m going to come up with another five grand, but it sounds a hell of a lot better than twenty-three thousand.
Just five-thousand.
Five-thousand dollars, and then I’m free.
My heart squeezes.
“Now hang on a second,” he interrupts, holding one hand up. “That will be your last payment, but your debt is still far from paid.”
Sniffling, I adjust my purse on my lap. “I don’t understand.”
A slow grin spreads on his face, and the relief I felt moments ago instantly fades.
“You’re going to sell for me, pretty girl.”
“Sell?”
He nods. “During Spring Break. Weed, coke, Molly. You’re going to be a one-stop-shop, my dear. I’ll give you enough stash to settle the rest of your debt and then we’ll be even.”
“No. Absolutely not.” I stand, hands shaking, bile rising. “I’m not getting anyone else caught up in the shit that ruined my life.”
“Don’t be so dramatic,” he snarls, rolling his eyes. “Besides, what other choice do you have? You either take me up on this offer, pay me in full by Friday, or dance four nights a week at my club for the next six months.” His face is stone cold, his jaw set. “I don’t make exceptions like this, Ashlei. You should be fucking grateful. If you’re not, we can take the route I usually take. Ask your friend Hayden how that worked out for him.”
The mention of Hayden’s name makes my jaw drop open. “What do you mean? Did he come back?”
Xavier’s grin is menacing, his yellow teeth on full display. “He didn’t have to, sweetheart. I have my ways of finding even those who try their damndest to stay lost.”
I swallow. “What did you do to him?”
“Refuse my deal, and you’ll find out.”
Blinking, I let two more silent tears stain my cheeks.
And the helplessness sets in.
JESS IS DEVOURING HER PIZZA like she hasn’t eaten in seventeen years as I pour the dressing on my salad in Pie Heaven. Moaning, she licks extra sauce off her thumb and mumbles around the cheese in her mouth.
“Do not tell the other girls I’m eating this. Erin would kill me.”
“Why? It’s your love handles you’re risking, not ours.”
“Yeah but you know Erin. Sorority image and all that shit. She’s serious about her Spring Break diets.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “My lips are sealed.” She throws me a thumbs up before folding her next slice in half and taking a huge bite. I blanch. “Even if yours aren’t.”
“Eat me.”
I chuckle.
Pie Heaven is a small pizza joint across from campus, usually packed between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m. with drunk students. I’ve been holed up in my room most of the day, running over the conversation I had with Xavier on Monday, debating my options. It seems surreal, to sit here eating fast food with Jess, knowing that if I don’t make a decision soon, I could get hurt. Even worse – Jess could get hurt. Bo could get hurt.
I feel like a weapon of destruction, harming anyone who touches me.
“So,” she starts, chasing her last bite with a large drink of the extra-large Mountain Dew she ordered. “You never did tell me how your twenty-first birthday was.”
Sighing, I take my first bite and grimace a little. Jess’ pizza smells way better than this stupid salad tastes. “You know my birthday tends to get overlooked. Sadly this one was no different.”
“Ugh, so shitty. You would think being born on the same day as Jesus would lend you some good birthday juju.”
“Nope. All it lends you is a lot of combo gifts and no friends to party with. Plus it’s not really the date that screws me over most.”
“Let me guess. All the attention was on Abby and Amanda, as per usual?”
I offer a sour smile. “Abby was just accepted into med school and Amanda made the varsity softball team. So my twenty-first birthday wasn’t exactly the most exciting thing going on.”
I’m the middle child, and as much as it may be a stereotype, the whole “middle spawn is ignored eighty percent of the time” thing is pretty accurate when it comes to my family. My oldest sister is the smart one, destined to be the next family doctor, right behind my father. And Amanda, the youngest, is strikingly beautiful and incredibly talented in every sport she plays. I swear the girl could pick up a broom today and play Quidditch like Harry by the time I went to bed tonight.
And then there’s me.
Crazy competitive and talented in all the things that don’t matter to my parents.
Like event planning.
And pole dancing.
Funny enough, it almost feels like I’m the middle child with Jess and Erin, too. We all look so similar and hang out all the time that everyone groups us together. Except, Erin is known for running shit and Jess is the comedian. I’m just sort of there.
It’s a curse.
Jess scrunches her nose. “That sucks, dude. Seriously. I wish I would have been there to take you out. Oh!” She snaps her fingers. “Let’s go out this Friday before the auction. Ralph’s. Break the place in before we glam it all up the next night.”
“Deal.”
We eat for a few moments in comfortable silence, which of course makes my mind drift to Bo. Valentine’s Day is next week and I still have a few things to pick up for our date. With everything going on with Xavier, I haven’t been showing her the attention she deserves, so I’m determined to make that night special.
I start to ask Jess what she’s doing for the holiday but pause when I look up and see the furrow in her brow. Following her eyes, I find the sexy teacher she had a run in with last semester laughing in a booth with some hot brunette.
“Isn’t that Jarrett?” I ask, turning back to Jess. She’s worrying her bottom lip and staring blatantly at their booth.
“Mmhmm.”
“Damn. I forgot how bangable he is.”
“Ten-point-two on the bangable scale.”
She makes the joke, but her eyes stay focused on Jarrett as her expression slips from confused to angry.
“Holy shit,” I whisper, leaning in. “You’re still messing around with him, aren’t you?!”
“What?” Jess snaps her attention back to me. I waggle my eyebrows and she shakes her head, grabbing her soda and taking a big sip from the plastic straw. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh come on! What’s going on between you two?”
“I don’t know,” she snaps, her chocolate eyes hard on mine now as she crosses her arms. “What’s going on with you and my Little?”
The air rushes from my chest in a whoosh.
Ears fuzzy, I swallow and force a smile.
“Bo? We’ve gotten a lot closer in the past few months. She’s cool.”
“Uh huh.”
My smile falls. “Do you have something to say, Jess?”
“Do you have something to tell me, Lei?”
Jess is watching me carefully. I need to swallow, but I’m afraid if I do I’ll give myself away. It’s not that I don’t trust Jess, but Bo is far from ready to tell anyone about us. Or about her, in general. And I’m the same.
“Oh thank God I found you.” Erin slides into the booth next to me, planner in hand, highlighter at the ready. Jess is still eying me, but with Erin here, she knows the conversation is over for now, so she turns her attention back to Jarrett across the room. “I need you.”
Finally allowing myself to swallow, I plaster on my best smile, pulling my long platinum hair over my left shoulder. “What’s up, buttercup?”
“Are you busy the Monday after the auction?”
“I have class but that’s it.”
“Perfect. Can you please take the money we raise to the bank? I was going to after my morning classes but I have something that came up that I can’t get out of.”
I’m still a little too aware of Jess and her question about me and Bo, but I nod and smile wider. “Of course, no problem Ex.”
Erin sighs with relief, and it’s then I notice how tired she looks. Her dark blonde hair is pulled back into a tight bun and she’s barely wearing any makeup, which is strange for her. “Thank you. Okay, I have to run.” She stands, finally turning her attention to Jess. When she does, she frowns. “Uh, J-Love?”
“Hmm?” Jess’ eyes are still on Jarrett.
“What are you eating?”
Erin points down at Jess’ last slice of pizza and I cover my mouth, trying not to laugh. Jess glances at me, anger still evident in her features, but even she cracks a smile. “Um… well, it’s totally not a five-hundred calorie slice of pizza, if that’s what you’re thinking. Because we’re on the Spring Break diet. And pizza is not part of that diet. Therefore, that couldn’t be what it is.”
Erin rolls her eyes. “Whatever. I don’t want to hear it when we go shopping for swim suits. See you girls later.”
Jess and I wait for her to walk out the front door before bursting into a fit of laughter, which almost makes me forget that she’s totally onto me and Bo. It almost makes me forget Xavier and the deal he proposed to me just two days ago. It almost makes me feel like I did last semester, before shit hit the fan and I fell into a hole too deep to climb out of alone.
Almost.