RAIN POUNDS HARD on the pavement as I run, chest tight, legs burning across campus. I’ve been going for hours now. I stopped tracking after the first three miles. Every inch of my body is screaming for me to stop but I need the pain right now, I need it to consume me until it numbs me from my thoughts. I didn’t even bring my headphones. I don’t want the distraction, I just want the pain.
Though the rain is cold, the evening air is still warm from another spring day in Florida. My sneakers rub new blisters on my heels with every push, adding to the collection I’ve been building in the last week and a half since I last saw Shawna.
I’m not stupid enough to think racism doesn’t exist. I know it does. I’ve been the subject of it more times in my life than I care to recall. Still, Shawna was different—or so I thought. She opened me up in a way no one ever had before. She was everything I’d been looking for in a girl, everything I thought I’d never find. To find out all of that was an illusion, a dream shattered by reality in the form of her parents, killed me. Skyler tried to convince me I should give her a chance, let her explain. But what is there to explain, really? This is exactly why I don’t let myself get caught up in the girls I fuck. If I hadn’t learned my lesson before, I damn sure won’t forget now.
My hoodie is soaked, so I rip the zipper down and toss it in the yard of the Omega Chi house as I run past. Through the downpour, a faint voice calls out my name.
“Bear! Wait!”
I stop, squinting through the rain until Shawna’s frame comes into focus. She’s sprinting toward me, the rain assaulting her along the way. Her long hair sticks to her neck and chest as she reaches me, chest heaving. The ends of her jet black hair are purple once again and rain drops gather at the top of her glasses before sliding down the lenses.
For a long minute, she just stares at me, her breaths coming hard as she peers up at me through the rain. She’s so goddamn beautiful it takes every ounce of control left in me not to crash my mouth to hers and claim her as mine, even though she clearly isn’t.
“I prefer to work out alone,” I finally say, speaking loud enough to drown out the weather. A soft rumble of thunder sounds in the distance and I shift from one foot to the other, feeling the aches settle in every inch of my body the longer I stand there.
“I’m sorry!” She screams over the rain. “I was a complete asshole at Family Weekend. You were right to leave. You’re right to hate me right now. But you don’t understand my parents, you don’t understand my family. It’s complicated, Bear.”
“It doesn’t have to be. You’re your own person, Shawna. Man the fuck up and tell them what matters to you. Who matters to you.”
She rakes her fingers back through her soaked hair, squinting up to the sky. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”
“Depends. Are you going to call your parents and tell them we’re together?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Actually, it is. It really fucking is,” I correct her.
“I don’t want to lose you over this. Please,” she pleads, her icy hands reaching out to grasp my forearms. “I just need some time.”
“Do you know how fucking hard it is to hear the first girl I’ve ever come close to loving tell me she needs time to not be ashamed of me?” I ask, ripping my arms away from her. “It’s simple, Shawna. You either care about me enough to stand up to your parents and stop giving two shits what they think about the color of my skin or you don’t. There is no in-between.”
“I can’t just tell them like that! They’ll cut me off, they’ll disown me. Didn’t you see the way they looked at me when you were there? How do I look them in the eyes and tell them their only baby girl is dating a black man?”
My neck snaps back as if her words slapped me hard across the face. “Wow. I didn’t realize that was something so devastating.”
Her lip quivers and as much as I probably should feel sorry for her, I don’t. I’ve been cut off from my parents since before I was old enough to make money on my own. In the downpour, it becomes clear to me just how different Shawna and I truly are.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she tries, wringing her hair over her shoulder. “I just . . . I need time. I can’t tell them yet, but I will.”
“And I’m just supposed to wait around until you find the courage?” I ask incredulously. “Well, that’s something I can’t do. We’re done, Shawna. It’s over.”
Her face twists, but I can’t tell if tears fall or if it’s just the rain. I may have a weak spot for women, I may want to take care of everyone around me, but there comes a point where I have to shut others out to take care of myself. With my little brother living on his own, my mom and older brother nowhere to be found, and my fraternity under strict watch from nationals, I don’t have any room left to deal with racist assholes—especially if the girl I would consider putting up with them for doesn’t have the nerve to stand up to them with me.
“Take care of yourself.” They’re the last words I say to her before my feet are pushing off the pavement once more, my body finding its rhythm. I don’t know if it’s something I should be proud of, but I have the innate capability to shut people out of my life at the flip of a switch. With every drop of rain that hits my skin, I feel Shawna wash away, leaving nothing but memories behind.
LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER, I push through the doors at Ralph’s, still soaking wet from the rain. I’m sore, I smell like complete ass, but I have zero fucks to give as I slide up to the bar and order my first drink. A few girls at a high-top table in front of me are giggling, their eyes glued to where my tank top is stuck on my chest. Crazy how I have go fuck yourself written all over my face but all they notice are my swollen muscles. I’d be terrified of me right now if I were them.
The male bartender slides me my beer and my check, not even asking if I want to open a tab. He eyes me under his backward hat with disgust before turning to the other end of the bar where a small crowd is gathered. I throw back half the beer when I realize who’s drawing all the attention.
Alex.
“If you thought the video was hot, you should have seen it in person,” he says loudly, a bit of his drink flopping out of his mug and onto the floor. The crowd of guys around him is eating up every word. I scan them, making sure none of them are brothers, and breathe easier when I don’t find a single one. It’s a good thing, because then I would have had to kick their asses, too.
I stand, my bar stool scraping the floor as I push my way around it toward him.
“I mean, she was just straight up finger-banging the Asian chick while I pounded her from behind. Fucking Spring Break man.” He high fives some douchebag behind him right before his eyes connect with mine.
He gulps. I smirk.
“Hey, whoa, Bear. I’m just kidding. We’re just having a little fun, right guys?” He looks around for help, eyes wide, but everyone just clears out. I don’t even have to say a word. He knows. They all do.
“You’ve got a lot of fucking nerve showing your face here,” I snarl, snatching him by the collar of his Omega Chi shirt. “And these letters? You don’t ever get to fucking wear them. Ever.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll leave.” He’s shaking. It only fuels me more. My entire body comes to life as adrenaline soars through my veins. I need a release, and Alex’s face seems like the perfect way to get it.
“It’s a little too late for that.” I hear the bartender from before holler something out to his manager just as I throw the first punch, my fist connecting with Alex’s jaw with a sickening crack. I throw another into his stomach before shoving him to the ground and pinning his arms down. Each punch is for someone new—Ashlei, Bo, Skyler, Erin, Omega Chi. My knuckles sting as they split open from the force, but I welcome the pain.
“Jesus Christ, Bear, that’s enough!” I’m finally tugged back, but my hand around Alex’s shirt collar rips it with me. I expect to find my brothers behind me, but it’s Adam and Jeremy, instead. I use the shirt to wipe the blood from my hands, chest, and face before tossing it over my shoulder.
“If you show your face again,” I start to threaten, but Alex is unconscious. I don’t even know when I knocked him out. Bouncers grab my arms but I shake them loose and walk myself out, Adam and Jeremy on my heels. No one in the bar says a word, the crowd parting like the red sea with every step I take.
When I’m outside, the rain still dripping from the trees as the clouds clear, Adam approaches me hesitantly. “Hey, you okay?”
Shawna may have been the reason I walked into this bar, but with every punch I threw, I felt her leave my system. It’s the end of the semester, the promise of summer so close I can taste it. Alex deserved to have his ass kicked, and the fact that he served as the perfect release for me was only a bonus. I may get knocked down, I may walk through hell, but no one can ever say I don’t handle my own. I’m Clinton Fucking Pennington, and though Shawna is the one with the phoenix inked into her skin, it’s me rising from her ashes this time.
The left side of my mouth quirks up just marginally. “Never better.”