I WATCH AS THE WATER BREAKS around my paddle, the sun warm on my face, a slight sweat breaking on the back of my neck. Each stride pushes me farther from shore and I sigh at the instant relief I feel from being in my safe space.
I picked up paddleboarding after my freshman Spring Break trip, but I never would have guessed it would become such a constant in my life. When we got back to campus, I started renting boards every weekend, paddling out on my own, fighting against the familiar aches in my muscles until they weren’t even affected anymore. After a few months, I bought my own board, and now I take solace in the time I have on the water, away from the world.
There’s something about being on the ocean — the wind blowing through your hair, the smell of salt in the air, the sound of the waves on the shore — that sets you free. It reminds you how small you are while making you feel invincible all at once. It’s fascinating.
I try not to take life too seriously, but my mind has been bogged down ever since the auction. It’s been a little over a week now, yet I still can’t shake the stampede of feelings that hit me out of nowhere that night. It was like with every flash of the camera from the reporter who ambushed me and Adam outside Ralph’s, a new thought assaulted me. What am I doing with Adam? Is it more serious for him than it is for me? What does it mean that I have paparazzi following me now? Is this the new normal or a one-time thing? Am I holding Adam back from getting the presidency? Is he holding me back from chasing my dreams with poker?
Though I paddle for hours, none of the answers come, and by the time my feet touch sand again, my mind is still wound as tight as the sun-kissed skin stretched over my shoulders. A loud whistle brings me back down to earth and I smile when I see Jess and Cassie sprawled out in two low-sitting beach chairs just down the beach. Hiking up my board, I make my way toward them, trying not to laugh at Jess making lewd gestures the entire time.
“You’re so sexy when you lug that board around, Sky,” Jess says, and I note the nasally tone of her voice. “Your leg muscles are sick.”
“Are we talking sick like impressive or sick like your red nose and dark eyes?”
Jess waves me off, flicking her sunglasses back down. “It’s just allergies. I’ll be fine.”
Cassie scoffs and pulls her bright red hair off her neck, obviously annoyed, though that’s way out of character for her. “She’s been coughing all morning, but refuses to go to the doctor. And she hasn’t eaten since yesterday.”
“Jess!”
“What?” She sighs exasperatedly. “It’s fine. Good for the Spring Break diet.”
Cassie and I exchange knowing looks, but don’t push further as I unpack the towels from my beach bag, spreading them out in the sand.
“You seem awfully sassy today, Little. What’s with the permanent frown?”
Cassie shifts, her mouth pulling to one side. “Do you guys think I’m a good girl?”
Jess and I pause, unsure of what the right answer is. I opt for the truth. “I mean, I wouldn’t say you’re exactly a bad girl.”
“You’re like Snow White, is what she’s trying to say,” Jess adds.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Jess shrugs. “You’re pure, innocent. You focus on your schoolwork, never really get drunk, don’t hook up with random guys. You’re straight-laced.”
“Which isn’t a bad thing,” I add, scolding Jess with my eyes.
“I’m not saying it is,” Jess defends. “Why are you suddenly concerned, though?”
Cassie is chewing her cheek, eyes on the ocean. “I don’t know. I overheard someone saying that I was too much of a ‘good girl’ for something, and it got under my skin.”
“Who?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Doesn’t matter.”
“Well, it’s not a bad thing. It shouldn’t be taken as an insult.”
“I’m just trying to figure out if that’s the way it was intended,” she says, sighing.
“I say fuck whoever said it. And, if it were me in the situation, I’d take the opportunity to prove them wrong.”
Cassie perks up a little. “What do you mean?”
She shrugs. “I’m just saying if someone called me Ms. Innocent like it was a racial slur, I’d show them just how not-innocent I can be.”
“Jess Vonnegut – Life Advisor,” I deadpan. She smirks, tossing a half-empty suntan lotion bottle at me. I catch it with ease and squeeze some in my hands, lathering my shoulders.
“Bitch.”
“You love me.”
“Also true.”
I turn my attention back to my Little, who now has an intrigued look on her face. “Oh God, I think you might have actually given her an idea.”
“Just let me know if you need to borrow some fishnets, boo.” Jess makes a kissy noise to Cassie and we all giggle.
“Where are the other girls?” I ask, flipping over to rest on my stomach. I have to mold the sand beneath my towel a bit to make a comfortable spot for my chest. Boobs are inconvenient sometimes.
“Erin was supposed to meet up with the kid who bought her at the auction and I’m not sure where Ashlei and Bo are,” Jess answers. “Have you guys noticed Ashlei being weird lately?”
“I mean, she was mugged,” Cassie says softly, reminding us all of what the entire campus was trying to forget. “I’m not sure I’d be exactly normal after that, either.”
“Even before that, though. She seems off, like she’s hiding something.”
“I could say the same about my Big,” I add. Jess sniffs, avoiding my comment, and I lift a brow. “Wait, do you know something?”
“No,” she says quickly. “I’m just thinking.”
“Well, why don’t we divide and conquer. You try to talk to Ashlei, I’ll see if I can get my Big to open up.”
“Deal.”
“What about me?” Cassie asks.
“You just worry about adding some leather to your wardrobe,” Jess says and we all laugh, but Jess’ face falls quickly. “Wait. Is that guy taking pictures of us?”
My stomach drops and I sit up quickly, my eyes scanning the beach for what Jess is seeing. When I spot a tall man, dressed in khakis and a polo, large camera strapped around his neck and lens focused on the three of us, I curse.
“Oh my God, he is taking pictures of us.” Cassie reaches for her sundress, hastily yanking it over her head just as Jess pops up, stomping toward the man.
“Jess! Don’t!” I jump up, too, grabbing her elbow and spinning her back around just as she yells obscenities at the man, his camera still fixed on us. “He’s probably a reporter for a sports network or blog. We need to get out of here.”
“This is ridiculous. You’re a poker player and a college student, for God’s sake, don’t they have better shit to do?”
“Apparently not.”
We gather up our stuff quickly, making our way toward the small private beach parking lot. I check my board back into the surf shop I keep it at on our way and we all pile into Jess’ car, the man following us the entire way.
“Is this going to happen all the time now, Big?” Cassie asks as Jess throws the car into drive, flipping the reporter off as we pull away.
“I don’t know,” I murmur, my mind racing.
“What are you going to do?”
I blow out a breath. “Wear cuter bathing suits, I guess.”
I try for humor but fail, the heaviness of the situation settling around all of us. My Little offers a sad smile before turning back around and Jess clicks on the radio, volume up full blast. Thumbing through the contacts in my phone, I type out a text to my dad, hoping he’ll know what to do.
Jess rolls our windows down, letting the warm breeze blow through our beach-tangled hair. I drop my hand out the window, riding the wind waves, eyes blurring as the scenery races by. Something tells me this is the last calm moment before everything in my life changes, and I try to hold onto it for as long as I can.
But just like the wind, the moment is fleeting, and I know any moment I’ll wake up in my new normal.
I just hope I’m ready.