Haven
A million thoughts rushed to the front of my brain and fought for space. My eyes dropped to the menu I held in my hands and I tried to concentrate on what I should order. I needed to stay calm. I had to keep my crazy from crawling up my spine and taking over my mouth.
“Haven?” Jake asked.
“The sea bass is good, I think,” I replied, keeping calm. Millie was pregnant. It was only a big deal if I let it be. I knew Jake wouldn’t cheat so I didn’t need to ask—I knew this must be from before they split.
Jake sighed, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes. “I don’t have many details. I’ve not spoken to her since. It doesn’t need to change anything between us,” he said.
Had she waited to tell him until it was too late to have a termination? And how had he let this happen? I didn’t look up from the menu as the questions started rolling through my head. “I thought you’d never . . . you know, without a condom.” Had that just been a line?
“I never fucked her without a condom. We never had one split or come off. I don’t know how this happened. I promise, Haven, I haven’t lied to you.”
I believed him. I had to. The alternative meant we were done and I knew I wasn’t ready to be done, not yet, not if it was up to me. “You think she’s lying?” I asked. It was a possibility that would probably be better for us as a couple. But for him? Did he want to be a father? Was he excited? Should I ask him? Was I being selfish seeing all this as an obstacle for us rather than an opportunity for him? Too many questions. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, hoping for quiet in my head.
He shrugged. “Beth does. I don’t know.”
It stung a little that he’d told his sister before he’d told me. But if the shoe had been on the other foot, Luke or Ash would likely have been my first call. Keep calm. “Are you going to have a paternity test?”
The waiter arrived and took our order and my question hung in the air like a cliffhanger in a soap opera.
“I guess. I’ve not had much time to process any of this.”
I risked a peek at him under my eyelashes as his voice faltered slightly. He looked gray. I reached across and slid my hand over his. He twisted his palm up so we were holding hands across the table. In the space of the last three minutes, I had found out that this beautiful, strong man, who I had assumed had it all, had no mother, no father to speak of and now was going to become a father under less than the best of circumstances. Could he handle this?
“She wants you back?”
He drew his eyebrows together. “What? No. I don’t think so.”
“She wants you back.” Of course she did. Why wouldn’t she? Jake was a great guy and he’d make an incredible father.
“Well, I’m with you. She doesn’t get to have me back.” He sounded resolute.
I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want to be the reason he wasn’t with the mother of his child. I wasn’t sure I could bear that responsibility. Every second that passed, this road bump in front of us got bigger and bigger.
“Haven?”
“I don’t know what to say. Congratulations?”
Jake closed his eyes. I hadn’t meant to hurt him, it had just come out wrong.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“No, I’m sorry. It wasn’t what I was expecting.” Despite everything, the only person I wanted right then was Jake. When had he managed to get inside my inner circle? “How are you feeling about it? I guess part of you must be excited?” I needed to be as understanding as I could.
“Honestly, I don’t know. At the moment I’m too worried about you.”
He was far too good to me. He shouldn’t have to be troubled by me. He should be able to count on my support rather than be concerned I was going to run.
The clatter of a dropped glass in the distance broke my concentration. “How about we give ourselves a time out? Talk about other stuff, just for a few minutes. I need to be lighter—we need to be lighter.”
This was not what I’d planned. I’d thought we’d be naked by now. I’d been looking forward to him taking control, restraining me, owning me. I had wanted that and now? Now everything was more complicated. Now I had to be in control.
Jake swept his hands through his hair and leaned back in his chair. “Sounds good. How did the Sandy Fox article go down?” He stretched his too long legs out in front of him. I couldn’t help but enjoy the muscles rearranging themselves under the fabric of his clothes. I wished we were back home. I wanted his arms around me. I stood up abruptly and Jake tensed immediately, watching for my next move. I moved my chair so I was kitty-corner to his, and sat. Our legs touched. I interlinked our fingers, trying to get as much of my skin pressed against his as I could. It felt good.
“I’ve missed you,” he said.
“Good.” I smiled at him. “And Robert’s happy and it’s always good to have the boss in a positive mood. The second part comes out this week.”
“Sandy texted me to remind me about the wrap party on Thursday,” Jake said.
“I bet she did,” I replied, rolling my eyes in an exaggerated way. I wasn’t really worried about Sandy, but it felt good to tease him about it. It felt like us. “She wants in your pants. Are you going to go?”
“It depends. Are you? I mean, do you want to go?”
I shrugged. Twenty-four hours ago, heck, even two hours ago, I would have jumped at the chance to go anywhere with Jake. Now I wasn’t sure what the next few days held. Could we survive him having a baby with another woman? Could I?
Jake’s phone rang and a shiver ran down my spine. Was it Millie? She had a claim on him now. She had a reason to be around him, pull him back to her and her glamazonian world. But he silenced the call at the same time our waiter arrived.
The sea bass smelled good, but I had no appetite. Apparently neither did Jake—his burger remained untouched in front of him as we sat, our hands still interlinked.
“Wanna eat, or hold my hand?” I asked.
“I’ll take your hand over food any day.” He flashed me his Jake Harrison grin and I couldn’t help but smile back. He was still my Jake.
“Smooth, Mr. Harrison, very smooth.”
Eventually, Jake’s stomach won out and he stroked the back of my knuckles with his thumb and let my left hand drop. I tried to pull my right hand away, but he tightened his grip. Apparently he was going to eat one-handed.
He swallowed a mouthful of burger and took a deep breath. “Beth is convinced Millie’s lying.”
“What do you think?” I asked.
“I don’t know. It would make life a lot easier, but I feel terrible for wishing I wasn’t in this situation, for wishing away a baby. Children should be a blessing—I want to be a good father.”
An ache burrowed inside me at the thought it wouldn’t be our child that he would be a father to.
“And I know I can’t accuse her of lying in case I’m wrong and she tries to punish me by not letting me have a relationship with the kid.” Jake shook his head. “It’s all such a mess. I have to take it one step at a time. We’ll have the test eventually, and in the meantime I’ll be there if she needs me.”
“What do you mean? Go for scans and stuff?”
“I guess. I need to meet with her and work out what it is she’s thinking. What she wants.”
“I still think she’s wanting you back.”
“Well, she’s shit out of luck.”
There was nothing he could have said that would have made me feel better, but that didn’t mean I was okay.
“You shouldn’t rule it out. We don’t know what’s going to happen. You need to think things through. Maybe we need to take some time.” I squeezed his hand.
“Think through what? There’s nothing to think about,” he said. “Millie and I broke up because I realized dating women like her didn’t work anymore. I don’t even like her. She’s spoiled and selfish and I have nothing in common with her.”
“All the things I used to think about you.” I patted his leg.
“Yeah, but I dated Millie for three months, so I know it’s true. You made assumptions about me before you knew me.”
“Well she wasn’t spoiled and selfish enough for you to not sleep with her . . .”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I have no right to ask you, but I don’t want this to come between us. What I had with her doesn’t compare to what I have with you.” He seemed so sad.
“We’ve known each other five minutes, Jake. I don’t know what our future holds.” It might not have been the response he wanted, but it was how I felt. It was reality. It all seemed impossible.
“Holy crap,” Ash said “And it’s definitely his from when they were together?”
Sunday dinner was at my place this week. I hadn’t invited Jake and he hadn’t asked why. I wanted to talk to Ash and Luke and sort through my feelings. I needed someone to tell me what I should be doing, how I should be reacting. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Ash and I weren’t doing much cooking collapsed on the sofa, each clasping a glass of wine.
“Millie is saying it’s definitely his,” I replied. Ash’s question was where I was secretly focusing all my hope. If it wasn’t Jake’s baby, everything got a lot easier. “He hasn’t cheated on me. I’m as sure as sure that’s true. I think he’s telling me everything. He even asked me to go with him to meet with Millie tonight.”
“Are you going to go?” she asked.
I’d scoffed when he suggested it. My initial reaction had been it was the last place I wanted to be, but perhaps I’d not done the right thing. “I said no. It’s just too weird, isn’t it?”
“I really have no idea. Is there a book called What To Do When Your Boyfriend Is Having A Baby With Another Woman?”
I sniggered and took a sip of my wine. “Google it. You never know.”
“It was nice that he asked you.” Ash always tried to see the best in people.
And it was reassuring that he’d asked me. Perhaps I was thinking about this the wrong way. Maybe he wanted me to go to support him and I’d let him down. I reached for my phone to text him. “You think I should have gone?”
Ash shrugged and I scrolled through my messages. I should be there for him. I cared about him. I wanted to support him.
Haven: Do you want to come round after you’ve seen Millie?
I released the clenched muscles in my stomach when he replied straight away.
Jake: Sure. Absolutely.
A bang and a thud echoed out from the hallway and Ash and I said in unison, “Luke.”
A minute later, he appeared at the door with a beer in his hand. “Poor fucking guy.” Luke ignored me and started speaking as if we were mid-conversation and he’d been here all along. I’d told him about Jake last night and he’d sounded more shocked than I had.
“You stick your dick in someone and it’s always a possibility,” Ash said.
Luke groaned and grabbed at his chest as if he were in physical pain.
“How would you feel if Emma got pregnant?” I asked him.
“Seriously, can we not talk about it? She’s not going to get pregnant.”
“What? Ever?” I asked. “You want kids though, right?”
Ash was uncharacteristically quiet. I wondered from time to time how she’d react when Luke got married or became a father. Would she give up on him then? Most of the time she joked about the two of them, but I knew, whatever Luke might say, she really liked him.
“Can we change the subject? This isn’t about me, it’s about Jake. Are you going to stay with him?”
“Of course she’s going to stay with him. They are amazing together—he’s hot with a capital H and good in bed.” That was Ash’s M.O. Her dial was set to deflect with humor. I wasn’t sure if she was deflecting from my situation or the question of Luke fathering Emma’s children.
Luke ignored her and looked at me. I shrugged. “I really have no idea. I like him. I’ve not liked anyone in forever and he’s different. He makes me laugh and calls me out on my shit. It’s as if he’s crawled inside my head and understands how I work. And I trust him, you know? Like, in the same way I trust you guys. I’ve not felt like that before.”
“That sounds like a man you don’t give up easily on,” Ash said more solemnly than before.
I nodded. I wasn’t ready to let him go. “The thing is, it’s not only about how I feel, is it? He might think it’s best to try and make it work with Millie. I don’t want him to stay with me out of obligation or something. I know that at the moment I don’t want to lose him. He just gets me. So I guess we’ll have to take one step at a time and see how we go.”
“I like that plan,” Luke said. “Don’t overanalyze. Don’t try and nail everything down like you normally do. You’ll have to take each day as it comes.”
“You might have to remind me of that,” I said.
“How’s Rallegra?” Ash asked. That was coping strategy two from Ash, change the subject. But she was genuinely trying to be helpful. I was so lucky to be surrounded by people who only wanted the best for me.
“Okay. Rumor is the deputy editor role will be available soon. I heard from Emily that one of the girls met up with Carole, the current deputy editor on maternity leave. She said she didn’t think she was coming back.”
“That’s exciting,” Ash said.
“Yeah.” I’d been working toward deputy editor since my last promotion. “She might change her mind though.”
“Sounds great, babe,” Luke said. I loved that he was so proud of me. He’d worked so hard to take care of me after our parents died that doing well in my career at a successful magazine like Rallegra seemed like a way to thank him in some small way for the sacrifices he’d made, to make it worth it and show him that it hadn’t all been for nothing.
“Emily’s in with a good shot. She’s been in her role longer. And she’s popular.”
“Robert knows how dedicated and talented you are. He’s always been supportive, right?”
“Yeah,” I replied. Robert was a great boss. If Carole did leave, I should be in the running for her role. I was trying to sound enthusiastic. I just wasn’t sure if I was feeling it. Perhaps I was distracted by Jake or the pregnancy, but I wasn’t sure that was it entirely.