Jake
“Feeling better?” Beth shouted from the living room as I slipped off my trainers in the hallway. I’d been out for less than an hour and my whole life had changed. My ears rang and I pushed my palms against them trying to get rid of it.
“I’m going to take a shower,” I shouted back and headed to my bedroom.
I turned the water up as hot as it would go. I wanted no trace of Millie in my life. I wanted to burn her from my skin.
As I’d walked home, I’d called Millie’s sister, Lauren. Part of me wondered whether Millie was still pregnant, but telling me she wasn’t because she wanted me out of her life. But Lauren had confirmed that Millie had never been pregnant and it had simply been an attempt to get us back together.
I opened my eyes under the water, wanting every part of me to be renewed and refreshed. It stung and the sensation brought a hint of relief. Eventually, the water ran cold and I climbed out, pulled on some clothes and went to find Beth.
She muted the television and looked up at me expectantly.
“Millie’s not pregnant. Never was. It was all an act to get me to marry her or something.”
Beth turned toward me. “What?”
“I saw her outside a restaurant drinking and smoking, and as you can imagine, I wasn’t very happy about it.”
“Jesus, I knew that girl was up to something, but I just thought she’d got knocked up by a plumber and was trying to make you take responsibility for it.”
“Yeah, well, you told me so.” I hadn’t wanted Millie to be the monster that Beth had seen all along. I didn’t want to have dated someone like that.
“God, I’m sorry, Jake. Are you disappointed?”
I collapsed on the sofa and she sat beside me.
“Maybe a little,” I said. “Not that I would relish having Millie around for the rest of my life but . . .”
“You thought you were going to be a dad.”
My chest tightened.
“I’m not sure I’d completely let myself believe that the child was mine, but yeah, I thought I was going to have a . . .” I’d pictured my future as a father, in a new apartment with Haven. Now what was I left with?
Beth shuffled closer and put her arm around me. I concentrated on my breathing.
“I’m sorry, is this painful for you, talking about this?” I asked. Beth’s lost baby had been real. Mine just felt that way.
Beth shook her head. “Not at all. The stuff with Louis happened a long time ago and you can’t compare them. Maybe it’s a terrible thing to say, but that loss provided me with a different future—one I’m starting to enjoy. Maybe you’ll feel the same when you’ve had time to digest things. Millie really isn’t the woman you should have as the mother of your children.”
I nodded. That was for sure.
“You think I’d have done okay as a dad?” I asked.
“I think you’ll be a wonderful father. Maybe it’s time to ask yourself who you want to be the mother of your children. You need someone who will be just as good a mother as you will be a father.”
I closed my eyes. All I could see was Haven.
“Fucking A,” I shouted as the results started to trickle in. Eric had been building and testing the simulation model for weeks now, and although initial testing had been positive and in line with the initial model, this was judgment day. We had been able to plug in much more data now, so it was really going to show us whether we were on the right track. Everything about Elemental Energy was going great.
“It’s looking good,” Eric said. He never got excited about anything.
“Good? It’s fucking fantastic.”
Eric grinned and nodded. “We need to start on the sensitivity analysis if this works.”
“I know, but fuck. Awesome.” I banged my fist on the table. Things were going exactly to plan.
My phone vibrated against my leg. I pulled it from my pocket. It was Beth.
“Hey, we just ran the first full simulation with the new data and it’s amazing,” I said, excited.
“All I hear when you talk about work is ‘blah blah blah science.’ Don’t waste your breath on me.”
I chuckled. “Okay. So tell me why you’re bothering me at work?”
“The boxes have arrived and I need to know if you want me to pack anything in the kitchen.”
“I thought the movers were packing? I hope they are because I’m not staying up all night to—”
“Keep your panties on. I’m packing some personal stuff myself but the movers will do it all if you want them to.”
“Yeah, that’s fine. The less I have to do, the better.”
“Everything in my room will go into my apartment, so I’m going to start moving some stuff from the living room and kitchen into my room tonight so it doesn’t get mixed up when they arrive tomorrow.”
“It’s going to be so strange not having to put up with your mess anymore.”
“As if. I’m not messy. You’re the one with the aversion to cleaning.”
“Whatever, I want to get back to celebrating our major breakthrough, so I’m hanging up.”
“Oh yes, and Gay Dave called. He wants to talk to you about your Paris pictures or something.”
Tomorrow I’d move out of the apartment I’d lived in for the last decade. I would miss living with Beth but she would only be downstairs. This was good for her. Part of the reason for the move had been the baby but even now, without that motive, I was looking forward to a future that I’d been resisting for too long. With Elemental Energy gaining momentum every day, the next step was the move. Then I’d be ready for the final piece of the puzzle. I couldn’t see myself in the new apartment without Haven, and it was partly why I’d bought it. I knew it wouldn’t work without her. I just had to figure out how to convince her of that.
“Pizza,” I snapped.
“Chinese,” Beth countered.
“It’s like tradition that you have pizza after you’ve moved house. And we can’t order Chinese in the afternoon. It’s wrong.”
“Says who?”
“Says me.”
“Okay, as long as I can have garlic bread and ice cream.” She sighed as if she’d just given up her right to free speech.
I ordered the pizza and joined Beth on the sofa.
“This place is beautiful. It looks like somewhere a multi-millionaire would live.”
“It feels like a place I’ll grow into.” I felt more at home here than I’d expected to. Perhaps because Beth was with me. Perhaps because I was excited about what the new apartment meant.
“The only thing it’s missing is a woman’s touch—”
“Don’t get any ideas. I’m keeping the pool table.”
“I wasn’t talking about me, dumbass. I mean you. It’s been over two months since you split with Haven.”
“Yeah, I get it. You’re not subtle.”
“I think you should call her.”
“I got it covered. Leave it with me. I’m not letting her go.”
I hadn’t called her and I hadn’t decided on what I was going to say to her when I did. All I knew was that now I was here, sitting in the apartment she helped me choose, she had to be with me to share it. This was our future, and I wasn’t about to start it without her. My thoughts of her hadn’t lessened. Instead, I found myself imagining our future together, thinking about her hair, the way she looked right before she came. The images got clearer; they’d never dulled.
“You were right,” I said. “I should have fought harder for her. I knew she would try to push me away and when she did, I was so weakened by wanting what was best for her, so confused about everything going on in my own life, I gave in and let her walk away. I should have fought.”
“It’s not too late.”
“It will never be too late.” I smiled. It might be the fight of my life. She could be with someone else, but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t stop until she was here with me. I knew how she felt about me. She might not have said the words, but she loved me and that was worth a fight. And now was as good a time to start as any.
“Where are you going?” Beth asked as I leapt to my feet and grabbed my keys and my phone.
“Dave wants to see me at the gallery, and I have a stop to make first.”
“A stop? What about the pizza?”
“Pizza can wait. Like you said, this place needs a woman’s touch.”