Haven
Last night had pushed me into a decision. Seeing Jake so conflicted, but trying to act as if nothing was wrong, I knew I had to take action. He was going to break if he didn’t let something go. And that something had to be me. I loved him and I wanted what was best for him—less pressure, the chance to be a real father, to be excited about his baby. I wanted that for him.
I knew as soon as he started talking about the scan that last night would be our last night together. He was exuberant but didn’t want to show it in front of me and that’s not how it should be. It nearly killed me, being with him, and knowing it would never happen again. That I would never feel him under my fingertips, inside me, over me—it was almost too much. Too painful.
I wasn’t being entirely selfless. I needed to walk away, too. I had to be sure of the people in my life. Jake was a good man and if the time ever came, he would have to choose Millie and his baby, and that was how it should be. But I couldn’t live with that. If I gave my heart and trust to someone, I needed to know that they would never leave me.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
I’d passed the main entrance to Jake’s building for the fourth time. I knew I was doing the right thing, but part of me still wanted to believe it could be different. I had to stop delaying. There was no magic bullet, no strike of lightning that was going to make everything okay. It was now or never. I took a deep breath, releasing the muscles clenched in my belly. I smoothed back my hair, making sure nothing escaped my bun as I walked into the Lombard Street building.
A few minutes after the receptionist announced me, Jake rounded the corner, a huge grin on his face. Shit, shit shit. This was going to be even more difficult than I could have imagined.
“Hey, beautiful girl,” he said as he grabbed me into his arms. I tensed. “Sorry, I forgot about the PDA rule. Let’s get somewhere more private.”
He pulled my hand into his and led me down the corridor and through a frosted glass door. Three heads snapped up as we walked in.
“Hey, everyone, this is Haven. Haven, this is Eric, Greg and Dale.”
I forced a smile. Luckily they weren’t particularly interested in me and quickly went back to their laptops.
“I thought it was going to be bigger.” I said as I scanned the small room. I thought there would be a corner where we could talk. There was never going to be a good time for this, but I thought with Beth being back today, now would make the most sense. He would have his sister for support.
“Let me show you.” Jake led me toward the back of the office and through a door into another much larger space. “They can take the wall down if we want them to. For now, it’s better to be in the smaller room when there are just four of us.” He was excited and it was lovely to see.
I nodded. “Do you have some water or—” I needed to stay strong but being with him made me doubt myself. I wanted him. I always wanted him.
“Yeah, let me . . .” He walked across the empty room toward a coffee machine on a bench and pulled open a fridge set beneath the coffee cups. He passed me a bottle of water and kept one for himself. “There’s not much of a view because it’s on the ground floor, but I don’t think that matters.”
“It’s great and the location is awesome. You should be so proud.”
He smiled. I hated to bring him down, but he’d understand eventually that this was right for both of us in the long term. And it was right . . . wasn’t it?
“You’ve got a lot going on,” I continued. “What with this all happening and buying a new flat, your dad and the baby and Millie—”
He stood right in front of me. “Yeah, but it’s all good. I can handle it and I know we don’t get loads of time together, but it will get better.” He stroked his hands down my arms.
“It’s not about the time. I’m not demanding more attention. Please don’t think that’s what this is about.” I didn’t want him to think I was a monster.
“What what is about?” His eyebrows drew together and his voice changed pitch.
I took another deep breath.
“Haven?” Jake bent his knees slightly, trying to catch my eye.
“It’s just, I think you have a lot going on and that maybe I need to let you concentrate on other things.” My voice came out smaller than I’d expected. I didn’t feel as confident that I could let him go now that I was in front of him.
“What are you saying? Are you running from me?”
I shook my head. “I’m not running. I promise, I’m not. I just think that you need to be consumed with other things and I shouldn’t be a priority for you.” I wasn’t explaining myself very well. I’d rehearsed this speech in my head a million times in the past twenty-four hours and it had all made so much sense when I was on my own.
Jake gripped my shoulders tenderly. “You are a priority for me—”
I couldn’t look at him. “But you should be concentrating on your business and your baby and Millie. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I was the reason that you’re not in a relationship with the mother of your child, or that you’re not spending more time with your kid. You need some space to figure out what you need.”
“Haven, I know Millie has been a pain in the ass recently, but I didn’t run over to her the other night. And when I saw her about the ultrasound, I told her there was nothing going to happen between us. She gets that—”
“You don’t know what things would be like if you were single—” The black molasses that had been rooted in my gut spread across my body at the thought of him with Millie or anyone else.
“I can tell you categorically that if Millie was the last woman on the planet I wouldn’t want to be with her. I don’t love her. I love you. I always knew that girls like her weren’t right for me. But being with you has woken me up to why—”
“Please don’t make this harder. I just don’t think this is our time.” My throat constricted. I really didn’t want to cry. I needed to stay strong, to make sure Jake knew I was serious. “It’s less complicated to walk away now, while we’ve not been together long.” I blinked more and more rapidly, trying to stave off the tears. “Better that than—”
“It doesn’t matter to me how long we’ve been together. When you know, you know. Clichés are clichés for a reason. You can’t tell me you don’t feel the same. You might not have said the words, but I know you. I own you.” Jake pulled me toward him. I let myself sink into him one last time.
“You do and you always will, but I need to walk away.” I couldn’t tell him that part of the reason I needed to leave was so I didn’t live in constant fear that he was going to abandon me. I couldn’t live like that, waiting for him to leave me. If I told him, he’d say anything to persuade me that it wouldn’t happen. And I wanted to hear it all. I wanted to hear it too much, which was why I needed to go. I was in too deep already.
“You can’t be serious, Haven. I can see you’re upset. You don’t want to walk away.”
I realized I wasn’t going to convince him by telling him it was what was best for him. He had to see this was what I wanted. “I’m sorry. I do.” It was all I could manage. My resolve was wavering. His touch and his smell were pulling me toward him. I placed my hands on his chest and gently tried to create some space between us.
“Haven, no. I’ll speak to Millie and say she can’t call unless it’s an emerg—”
That’s when I knew I’d made the right decision. “Don’t you dare do that for me. You see how conflicted you are? You see how you are being pulled in different directions? I never want to feel that you prioritized me over your pregnant ex-girlfriend, but you’re right, part of me needs that from you. And that’s not fair. It’s not fair to you, Millie or me. I can’t live like that.”
Jake’s hold loosened and I stepped away from him. He let me go and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I’d got what I wanted, just as I feared.
He pushed his hands through his hair and turned to the window. He looked so beautiful, but so upset. I hated that I had been the cause. But it was the right thing to do in the long run. There would be more pain, and it would be deeper for both of us, the longer we waited.
“I’m sorry.” I left before I could change my mind.