Jake
I didn’t like Gerald. I certainly didn’t like the thought of him having dinner with Haven. And after dinner what would happen between them? Was he driving her home? Would she invite him in? I messed about with the food on my plate, then dropped my fork, my appetite having disappeared. I glanced across at Nicola and she was staring back at me.
“Are you okay, Harry? You seem a bit . . . off.”
“I’m sorry. This new business is taking a lot of energy.”
She raised an eyebrow at me. “Really?”
I grinned. “No pun intended. There’s a great deal at stake. I just want it to go well. Anyway, tell me about Milan.”
“I will when I’ve been to the ladies’. I’ll be right back,” she said as she left the table.
I took the opportunity to glance at Haven’s table. I had deliberately sat with my back to her so I didn’t get distracted. It hadn’t worked. She didn’t notice me look. She was smiling, as if she was enjoying herself. Perhaps I should offer her a ride home? Then she wouldn’t have to go home with a total stranger. I pulled out my cell and texted her, offering to take her home at the end of the evening. She must have had it switched to silent or ignored it because she didn’t check to see who was texting her. She was having a good time with Gerald and I was just making myself miserable. It was ridiculous. Haven had made her choice, and I needed to leave her to it. It didn’t matter how I felt. Beth was wrong about that.
I resolved to make more of an effort when Nicola came back to the table. She was a nice girl and I was a dick for bringing her here.
“So, Milan?” I asked when she got back. “How was it?”
“Oh, you know. Full of Italians. It doesn’t seem to matter which city I’m in these days, it’s the same old, same old. You know?”
I nodded. “You’re a smart woman. Do you not want to do something with all that brain power of yours?” I’d always liked how sharp she was—she’d made some really good decisions during her career.
“I’ve been thinking the same thing. I’m considering doing some talent management at the moment.”
“That sounds great. Managing other models?”
“God no, they would drive me crazy. More like actors and musicians, maybe? I’m just talking to a few people at the moment. I want to set up on my own. And I can still model here and there for the time being.”
“Well, if you want some help on your business plan, let me know,” I offered.
“You’d do that?” She smiled. Right there was why she’d been so successful as a model. She was gorgeous.
“Of course,” I said as I grinned back at her.
“So, dessert?” she asked.
“You know that you’ll just have one mouthful and then leave the rest. It’s such a waste.”
“Well, it’s better to have a taste than to miss out altogether.”
Was that true or would it be easier to have never known Haven, never had the promise of something so sweet?
We pulled up in front of Nicola’s building just before midnight and I cut the engine.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come in? I could do with a little company,” she said.
Part of me wanted to spend the night with her. To lose myself for a couple of hours, to get a break from having a head full of Haven, but I couldn’t do that to Nicola. I’d had a really nice evening and genuinely enjoyed myself, but before I started something new I needed to clear some space in my head.
“Another time? You’re great but—”
“Your head’s somewhere else?” she suggested.
I nodded. Had she guessed I was distracted by another woman? I couldn’t imagine it happened to her very often. She was beautiful, clever, funny. She just wasn’t Haven. “I had a really great time,” I said.
She leaned across and kissed me on the cheek. I watched as she made her way into her building. When the door closed behind her, I pulled out my phone. Still no response from Haven. She and Gerald had left the restaurant before us. Should I call her? Just to check she was okay? I dialed.
“Jake, what is it?” I hadn’t expected her to pick up. It was the first time she had since the weekend after Paris.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and to offer you a ride home.” Jesus, I sounded like a douche.
“Thanks. Of course I’m fine, I don’t need a lift.” Her voice was softer with me than it had been when we’d first arrived at the restaurant. Was that the alcohol? Was she drunk? Was Gerald still there?
“Are you sure? It would be no trouble.” I wanted her to tell me she was at home already, or in a cab on her own.
“I’m sure—and you don’t want to be rude to your date,” she said.
“I just dropped Nicola at home,” I said. “So, you’re not in a ditch?”
“I’m not in a ditch,” she replied, giving me nothing.
“Are you at home?” I asked.
“Where else would I be?” She hung up the phone.
I grinned as I slung my cell onto the dash. Had she deliberately used my proper name? Something in my gut fluttered. I’d missed our jousting.
“How was it?” Beth asked as I joined her on the sofa. “I wasn’t sure if you would be back.”
“Yeah, good. Nicola’s great but my head is spinning at the moment. I need to work some stuff out,” I said. “How was your date with Saturday night TV? Have you ever thought you should go out, like with a real-life person?” I asked her. “I mean, things have been good for a while now. Do you want me to set you up?” Beth had been sober for over two years and she seemed happy, but I was worried that she had shut down after what had happened with her ex-boyfriend.
Beth scowled at me. “No, you weird brother slash pimp.”
I tapped her foot with my knee. “I’m not expecting you to have sex with my friends for money.” I rolled my eyes at her. “I just know some good guys who periodically tell me you’re hot. I punch them in their face when they say it, obviously, but, you should think about maybe going on a date or something.”
She took a breath. “I’m not ready,” she said softly, concentrating on the television.
“What does your sponsor say? She must have mentioned it. It’s been nearly three years.”
“Can you drop it? I said I’m not in that place yet. And anyway, you’re hardly a glowing recommendation for dating. Have you ever made it past three months?”
“I’m a guy. What can I say?” I said, trying to brush over her point.
“You can say that you’re a commitment phobe with bad taste in women.” Beth was always needling me about not being able to get past the three-month mark. Wasn’t I just living most guys’ fantasies?
“So what’s the problem—my taste in women, or my inability to commit?”
“Both.”
I threw a pillow at her.
“I like Haven,” she said. “I know I’ve only met her briefly, but she seemed different from those other girls you date. And I like how tied up she’s got you.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. Haven was different, that was for sure. “I’m not sure she’s got me tied up.”
Beth raised her eyebrows. “And before you tell me she doesn’t like you and that she’s moved on or whatever excuse you’re formulating, she does like you. I could tell at the gallery and it doesn’t matter what shit’s happened. If she’s the right girl for you, then fight for her. Stop making excuses.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Well, you see, I think it is. You can make it that simple. You’re good at that, Jake. You’re good at getting things you want.”
“Things yes, but not people. If I was, we’d still be a family.” A wave of regret swept over me when I thought about what we didn’t have back in Chicago. At one time, we’d been the archetypal American family.
“How did you work that out? You can’t control people. You weren’t responsible for Mom getting shot any more than I was, and you’re not in control of the fact Dad finds it all too difficult to handle and doesn’t know how to be with us. We are a family, Jake. It might be just you and me, but we’re still a family and you made that happen.”
“Beth,” I warned. She knew I didn’t want to get into this. I never did. It was too painful.
“What, you can start pushing me on dating, but I can’t call you on your shit? I mean it. I think you deliberately pick women you know it’s not going to work out with so you don’t have to feel responsible for anyone else.”
I let Beth’s words sink in. Was she right? I knew I picked women who didn’t require much emotional investment from me but I’d never really thought about why. “Jesus, I need a drink. Why the fuck don’t we have a single bit of booze in this apartment?” I asked, grinning at her.
“Because I’m an alcoholic, dickhead.”
“Oh yeah. That must be it.” We both laughed. “Wow, we can joke about it. Who’d have thought?”
I stood, ruffled her hair and headed to bed. I’d never connected my short-term relationships with anything other than being a guy. Was Beth onto something? Perhaps I held off on anything I couldn’t control.
Maybe I’d given up on Haven too easily.