Business Affair
“Did you read this article, Marie?” Meg asked from behind me.
I knew which one she was talking about without turning around. Rinsing the last of the dishes, I took my time setting them aside to dry, and wiped my hands on a towel. Forcing a smile, I turned around and came to stand behind Meg’s chair. I was drawn to Jack Lawson’s grainy, black and white image looking up from the newspaper.
“I read it,” I said. Meg’s eyes were on mine, no doubt trying to gauge my reaction.
“So what are you going to do?”
“About what?” I shrugged.
“Well, I just figured you would want to try and see him.”
“To what end?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe to tell him about—” She gestured to the other room where Will sat watching cartoons.
I sighed and looked back down to the picture. It was an old one, one I’d seen a few other times. He was boarding a plane, looking back over her shoulder with his political smile fixed in place. Even through the distortion of the newsprint, I could see beyond to his handsome features, fresh in my mind. In some respects, it was hard to believe 3 years had passed since we were together. Other days it felt like a lifetime ago.
“It says here he’ll be in town scouting locations for a campaign office. That’s good, right? That means he’ll be back in town again.” She smiled. It was a hopeful smile and I was grateful for a friend who could supply the optimism I was lacking. I sat beside her and picked up my coffee.
“You seem to forget that there was a reason for not getting in touch with him in the first place. None of that has changed.”
“You mean that his mother is a snobby, old cow?”
I laughed at Meg, never one to mince words. “Yeah, there’s that. Plus, I don’t want to know what fathering an illegitimate child with his personal assistant will do to his political future. That’s a political scandal gold mine. I didn’t want to lay that on him then, and I still can’t do that to him now.”
Meg waved her hand at me, haphazardly folding up the paper. She turned in her chair to face me and placed a hand on mine, a surefire sign she was going to use her serious voice. I smiled in anticipation of whatever warped nugget of advice she was about to give me.
“Marie, honey, you’re thinking about this all wrong. This isn’t about what you think he wants, or what you think is best. It’s about what you feel.”
I laughed and rolled my eyes. Next she’ll be reading my horoscope and taking me to her palm reader.
“No, seriously. You can’t sit there and honestly tell me that a big part of you doesn’t want to see him again. That you don’t want to tell him he fathered a child, one who has an attitude as big as his dads. It’s not like you two parted on bad terms or anything. I think he deserves to know.”
“That’s true, but if he was willing to walk away back then, before either of us knew I was pregnant, then I have to believe he would have wanted to walk away if he had known. Maybe he wouldn’t have because he felt obligated to stick around, but I didn’t want him like that.”
“A lot of time has gone by. You don’t know what he wants.”
I nodded absently. Meg and I had been friends for years, and she had been there with all her sage advice when Jack and I started seeing each other, when he decided to move to Washington, when I found out I was carrying his child. Because of that, she considered herself an expert on the topic.
“Besides, people have a way of bumping into one another. It’s a small world and all that. I wouldn’t be surprised if you ran into him before you knew it,” Meg said before she got up and dumped the dregs of her cup down the sink. With a smug smile, Meg grabbed her purse and wagged her fingers at me, leaving for work out the back door.
I shook my head and started for the living room to get Will ready for daycare. Sometimes I hated being neighbors with my best friend. Especially when she was right.
*****
The restaurant was especially slow for a Thursday, and the day dragged on. Picking at the gum stuck to the bottom of the tables gave me loads of time to let my mind wander, and it always seemed to come back around to Jack. Thanks, Meg.
My mind could vividly replay every sequence with stunning clarity. The first time I met him when I interviewed for the position of his assistant. The long evenings spent working, trying to deny the attraction we both felt, even when my resolve was weak. The night we finally both gave in, too exhausted to keep up the farce that we wanted to keep it professional. I let myself go back there, to all the memories that I usually held back. I savored every inside joke, each brush of his knuckles over my cheek, every time he held me close.
Locked in the privacy of the bathroom on my lunch break, I saved my favorite memories. The ones I couldn’t allow myself to relive in the hum of the restaurant. I lowered the seat and sat down, and let myself travel back to that first night. I closed my eyes and I could hear the deep rumble of Jack’s voice in my ear. He was leaning over my shoulder, both of us studying the documents on his desk.
The front of his thigh brushed against me as he leaned forward to indicate something. I stilled, mindful of him so near. I was holding my breath, waiting for him to move back again, but he didn’t. Instead his face hovered near mine, close enough to feel his breath on my cheek. He stayed like that for what seemed like forever, hesitating.
My skin trembled, waiting in anticipation for his next move. I remembered hoping that this would be the night that the tension broke and we gave in to each other. I had been so exhausted from pretending otherwise. As the memory faded in until it was as clear as on that night, my body was washed in the same feeling of anticipation.
Even now I could feel my flesh aching for his touch, liquid pooling at my core. I inched my hand up my leg, under the polyester skirt to my underwear, damp to the touch. Pulling them aside, my fingers found the source of my heat and I stroked myself, encouraging the rush of adrenalin that began pumping through me.
I let myself think of Jack’s hands and the first touch of them to my hip as we remained frozen in place at his desk. His hands grabbed me firmly, not a gentle caress, and I willed him to not move away, not deny me this time. And he didn’t. His hands curved along my hip and down to my ass. His actions were coarse, almost crude. I welcomed it.
After all these months, I wouldn’t have been able to stand tender or gentle. All the close encounters and almosts had me wound too tightly. The rough pull of his hands as he seized my skirt and jerked my underwear down was a delicious contrast to his usual mild manner, his polished smile, his tailored suit.
I recreated the moments of anticipation before Jack took me, spreading my legs wider in the narrow stall, letting my knees fall open and touch the cold, metal walls. My fingers sped up as the rasp of his zipper echoed behind me. My heart beat faster, as it had three years ago when I felt him moving behind me.
He had his cock in his hand, the smooth tip pushing against me from behind. I had bent over his desk as I had envisioned doing dozens of times before. With my forearms resting on the glossy wood and my skirt bunched around my waist, I hadn’t cared what a cliché I was. I wanted to feel him inside me and it didn’t matter where or how.
Rubbing my clit with my thumb, I slipped two fingers into my wet core and relived the moment when Jack thrust into me, no priming, no words exchanged. None were needed. Months of foreplay was more than enough. I accepted him wholly, welcoming his length with a low moan of pleasure. My wet fingers kept time with the memory of his hips. They thrust into me, unyielding, until I could no longer use my arms for resistance.
Jack gripped onto my hips, holding me firm to him, and continued his driving efforts. The pressure inside me continued to build until I was reaching my peak. Jack’s fluid movements were ceaseless and my body thrummed until I was crying out in release, my body limp under his hands. The roar of Jack’s own shuddering release was loud in my head. In the bathroom stall, my probing fingers stilled, wet from a quiet, unsatisfying orgasm.
I leaned back against the cold porcelain and let my breathing slow. I could remember many different times we had been intimate, some sweet and gentle, some rough, but that one was my favorite. The hours of fantasizing, on both our parts as it had turned out, finally came to fruition that night. For four months after that, we stole away every chance we got, up until the day he moved. Then I was back at square one, fantasizing about him all over again.
*****
I sighed and I looked around the disaster that was my living room. The end of day routine was upon me again and I began gathering toys off the floor. A week had gone by and despite Meg’s insisting that it was only a matter of time before Jack and I crossed paths, I had yet to decide what to do about him. Though I was sure we didn’t run in anywhere near the same circles anymore—Jack being a hopeful for the Governor’s seat and me barely scraping together enough for my mortgage payment—I had to admit that Meg had a point. At some point down the road, it was bound to happen.
I dumped the armful of toys into Will’s toy box and played out all the scenarios in my head. If I ever did run into him, what would I say to him? What if Will was with me?
I could move.
No, I couldn’t afford to start over somewhere, and besides, that seemed a little extreme. But I also couldn’t spend every minute I was out looking over my shoulder.
I scrubbed at the mystery goo on the underside of the coffee table like I was going to beat an epiphany out of it. In the back of my mind, though, I knew there was only one thing that I could do. I had to tell Jack about Will.
In some ways it probably would have been easier to tell him when I had found out. It wouldn’t have been hard to get a hold of him; Jack had left voice messages and sent me emails after he moved. I hadn’t returned any of them. Meg thought I was an idiot.
But I loved Jack. I never told him so, but I did. And more so I respected him and his big dreams. Jack was so very driven and focused when it came to his career. And sex. I admired him for that and I knew what the news of my pregnancy would have done to those ambitions.
The guilt of keeping it from him didn’t go unnoticed, though.
It was a little easier when I didn’t think I would ever see Jack again. Only sometimes would I think of all the things he was missing out on, the memories I had robbed him of. But then I would remember that he lived three states over and he wouldn’t have been able to take part in them anyways. I found quite a few ways to justify away the guilt.
But now we were sharing the same city again, and I didn’t think my conscience could justify keeping Will from him anymore. If I told Jack and he decided not to be a part of Will’s life, then that would be the end of it. Life would go on as it had been. Any other possibility and I would have to figure it out when I crossed that road.
I decided to move fast, the resolve still fresh. The next day, with a pep talk and babysitting services from Meg, I got in my old beater and headed downtown. The radio was playing a fast song, so I cranked it, hoping the sound of the music would drown out the voice trying to convince me to back out. Part of me was excited at the thought of seeing Jack again, but it was swiftly tempered by the other part which was dreading the gravity of the visit.
Navigating through the one-way streets, I made my way to the Belanger Hotel. I knew Jack would be staying there because he always stayed at the same hotel when he was in town during his campaign stops. Lucky for me, or maybe not, Jack was a reporter’s dream: he charmed crowds, photographed well, and always provided a succinct quote. It was easy to follow him in the newspapers.
I drove past the hotel and down a side street, opting to find a free spot to park and walk back. It was a warm day and I had dressed in a skirt and a sleeveless blouse, both of which I had spent far too much time picking out. I didn’t have a huge wardrobe, but it didn’t feel right showing up in my usual collection of discount clothes. Especially when I had to walk through one of the nicest hotels in town. And see the most handsome man I’d ever slept with.
My nerves were kicked into overdrive as I walked through the doors. I didn’t have a plan, really. I was just hoping he would want to talk to me. I suppose I was hoping that he wouldn’t and I could leave, having done my due diligence. The woman at the front desk gave me a warm smile as I walked up.
“Could you give me Jack Lawson’s room number?” I asked, sounding as nervous as I felt.
“I’m sorry, but we can’t give out room numbers,” she said. I exhaled a relieved breath, thankful that I was able to avoid the whole thing, but then she added, “But I can call up to his room on your behalf if you’d like.”
I forced a smile and gave her a brief nod, the mix of nerves and excitement churning my stomach.
She took my name and looked up Jack’s room. I strained to hear the brief conversation, but I couldn’t gain a single clue as to what Jack, or more likely his assistant, had said. Placing the phone back on the receiver, the concierge turned back to me.
“Mr. Lawson asked me to send you up. He is in room number 1201.”
I thanked her and made my way across the lobby to the elevator that would take me to the penthouse. I pushed the light for his floor and watched the numbers climb, hoping a kid would poke his head into the car and run his hand down the buttons, forcing me to stop at each floor and draw this ride out. Unfortunately, though, that didn’t happen, and the doors dinged open on the twelfth floor mere seconds later.
The quiet of the hallway was maddening, creating a surge in my nerves. Standing before his door I took a calming breath before I knocked. Almost immediately the door was opened and instead of seeing an assistant, I saw Jack standing on the other side.
I thought I had prepared myself for seeing him again, but being face to face with him, I realized nothing would have properly prepared me. A powerful flood of emotions washed over me—passion, regret, guilt. I couldn’t stop myself from letting my eyes soak him in. He was in what remained of his dark suit. His jacket was off, tie discarded, shirt sleeves rolled at the elbows. His silky, dark hair was tousled as if he had been running his hands through it. I smiled to myself as I recognized this look, as I had seen it many times. The signs of Jack Lawson in panic mode.
“Marie.” Jack’s voice was soft, and he too seemed to be taking me in. He leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to my cheek. It was the most innocent gesture, but my skin ignited under his touch. “I can’t decide if it’s a surprise to see you or if it seems like it was inevitable.”
“I guess I know what you mean. Sorry to just show up like this. If I caught you in the middle of something, we can always get together some other time.”
“No, not busy. Come in.” Jack’s appearance told me he was lying, but he stepped back and allowed me in.
The suite was huge, with a large common area, kitchenette, and doors leading to four rooms. I did a slow circle as I took it all in. Jack watched me, amused.
“This place is unreal. It sure beats the dives we had to stay at back in the day. I guess you’ve made it to the big leagues.”
“Not quite.” He smirked. “I usually stay in one of the smaller suites when I’m in town, but since I’m going to be here more permanently, I needed something with more space. One of those rooms is a meeting room, so my campaign manager, Greg, can be sure I have no excuse to leave.”
I looked around again and realized there was no staff in sight.
“Where is everyone? Judging by your dismantled suit I would say you were knee deep in a hectic day.”
He laughed, “Am I that obvious?”
“Absolutely. Don’t forget that I’ve seen this look on you many times before.”
Jack’s voice was low and his eyes skimmed down the length of my body, “I haven’t forgotten.”
The intensity of his stare sent warmth surging through me, making my stomach quiver. I met that reaction with the mixed feelings of earlier. I couldn’t forget the reason I was here.
“Really, though, if you’re busy I can go.”
“No, stay. I sent my staff away.”
“Everyone? Why?”
Jack didn’t answer. Instead he gestured to the large sitting area near the window on the far side of the room.
“Let’s sit down.” Jack led us to two chairs nearest the bar.
“Drink?”
It was only 2:00, but I nodded. That may be just what I needed to get through this. Jack fixed our drinks, then came to sit in the chair adjacent to me.
“Why are you here?”
That was direct. But I shouldn’t have been surprised, Jack had always been one to cut to the chase. He could dance around a topic like any other politician could, but if he wanted to know something, he didn’t mince words. I cut my eyes from him, looking out the window while I answered.
“I read that you were back in town. I thought we should catch up.”
“You thought we ‘should’ catch up? Like an obligation?”
“Don’t do that,” I said flatly.
“Do what?”
“Interrogate me. I’m not your opposition. I came here to see you. To talk to you. If you want to know more than that, you can drop the act.”
Jack ran his hand through his hair and slouched back in his chair.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve been working crazy hours and I guess it’s starting to show.” Jack picked up his drink and took a sip. He smiled. “You know, not many people talk to me like that these days.”
“Well don’t expect me to be one of them. I quit kissing your ass the day you fired me.” I returned his smile, our easy bantering returning effortlessly.
“You still remember the time you did that?” he grinned.
I reached across and gave him a playful slap on his arm. “You and your dirty mind.”
“And I didn’t fire you. You refused to move.”
“Seems like you’ve been getting by without me just fine since then.”
“Yeah, I guess so. But let’s not get into all that. I let my staff have the rest of the afternoon off; I think I’m entitled to getting it off too. What about you, who are you working for now?”
“Not who, where. I work at Vinny’s,” I said, cringing at what he was going to say about that.
“Never heard of them. What sector is it in?”
“Food industry. Vinny’s Diner on 54th. Best onion rings in town.” I faked a bright smile.
His eyebrows furrowed. “You’re working as a waitress?”
“Yep.”
“I thought you liked working in the public sector. The way things were going, you could have had an executive position by now.”
“I needed something with better hours. Stable hours. Eventually I would like to get back into politics, but this works for now.” Not to mention that I couldn’t look for another position with one of his colleagues after he left because it would have drawn attention to my situation. Our situation.
When someone’s unwed assistant gets pregnant, it doesn’t take too long for the rumors to start swirling. By the time I was ready to go back to work after having Will, I realized that working the long hours required wasn’t conducive to having a baby at home. But I didn’t feel as though Jack needed to know that part just yet. “But if you get to veto talking about work, then so do I.”
“Fair enough. You wanted to catch up, so let’s talk about another subject you love instead. How’s your family?”
I rolled my eyes. “Still crazy. I haven’t talked to them in years. How’s your mother?”
“Still crazy, but unlike you, I talk to her more often than I want.”
“It’s good to know some things don’t change. And your brother?”
“He’s finishing up law school. He still asks about you. He told me if I ever saw you again to give you his number.” I smiled at the thought of Jack’s little brother. David had spent the summer working on Jack’s campaign staff the year I worked as his assistant. David and I were the same age and had lots in common, and over the course of the summer, our feelings for each other developed.
But whereas his turned romantic, my feelings for him were like a brother. I couldn’t fall for him when I already loved his brother.
I smiled. “David is sweet. I always liked him. I lost track of how many times he asked me on a date. He even asked me out the day he came down here to help you move.”
“He did? That little shit. And did you ever take him up on it?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Jack’s eyes focused in on mine, their intensity burning into me.
I cut my eyes away from him. If he didn’t already know why, I wasn’t going to tell him; the time to confess my feelings was long gone. I could feel his eyes still on me. Neither of us spoke for a moment. When Jack finally did speak, the humor had left his voice, leaving only the deep rumble.
“You know, if you need a job I’m sure I can find you something on my staff.”
I turned to look at him again, finding a familiar unrestrained heat in his eyes. “That’s not why I came here. I don’t want anything from you.”
“That’s too bad,” Jack leaned forward in his chair, our knees touching, “because I was really hoping that’s exactly why you came here.”
He licked his lips and my body recognized the gesture. It recognized that predatory look. The way my body responded was as if no time had passed. When Jack reached out and his hand ran up the bare skin of my leg, I forgot all about the reason I had come here. My skin tingled with the anticipation of what was to come and all I could think about was Jack’s hands on my body.
Still sitting, Jack reached for my hands and pulled me up. I came to him willingly. He positioned me in front of him far enough away that we were no longer touching. Letting go of my hands, Jack sat back in his chair again.
“Do you remember that little, shithole motel we stayed at in Iowa?” I nodded. I remembered it well. We were stuck there during a storm on our way to a rally. We had two days to kill and we did so in the most creative ways. “Good girl. So do I, very well, and there’s one part that my mind keeps going back to.” One more lick of his lips. “Shirt.”
He commanded, a smile playing on his lips. He watched, understanding fill my eyes. He meant the part when he made me strip for him in the deserted lobby, the eagerness to please him spurring me on. The thrill of getting caught turning us both on. Under his gaze and with shaky fingers, I readily unbuttoned my top and let it fall down my arms, still eager to please him.
“Bra,” he said next. I obeyed his order, reaching back and unclasping my bra. It too fell to the floor. His eyes burned a path over my exposed flesh. Liquid heat began pooling at my core.
“Skirt,” His voice was quieter now, eyes focused. I obliged, watching him watch my hands drag my skirt down. I left it in a puddle on the floor. I straightened and let him rake his eyes over my body while my flesh pulsed.
Jack raised an eyebrow at me, “I see you’ve forgotten the rule.” I smiled at him, remembering the no-underwear-at-work rule we had created.
“It’s been a long time. I wasn’t sure if it still applied.”
Jack leaned forward in his chair and let his fingers dance up my thighs until they reached the scrap of silk. He tugged on them, bringing me close to him. “Always.”
Jack pulled them down my legs and pressed a kiss to the skin he had revealed. His slipped a finger past my swollen folds, smiling up at me when he was met with my wet heat. Gripping my hips, he guided me to his chair, my legs straddling him. His strong hands wrapped around my back and his mouth found its way to my breasts.
His teeth tugged at my engorged nipples. I arched into his touch, welcoming the nip of his teeth. I ground down onto his growing erection, my flesh aching to feel him in me. I wanted to finally feel him filling me after many agonizing months of only imagining it, but my needy clit only found minimal relief.
His teeth tugged one last time before pulling back. Jack reached down between us and slipped the button from his pants. I grabbed the back of the chair and lifted my hips, letting Jack move his pants down enough to pull out his thick erection. A ripple of desire quivered through by body and without waiting for further invitation, I sat back down, letting the smooth tip of his cock push against my center. Easing forward, I inched his cock further in. I took my time, letting myself savor the ache of him filling me. Jack captured my lips, his teeth pulling at my lower lip. His tongue lapped into my mouth, tasting, devouring.
The bite of his fingers in my hips urged me on, driving my actions into a frenzy. I began a fast rhythm, grinding into him hard, pulling the full length of him into me. My fingers dug into the back of the chair. The room filled with the sounds of our breathing. Jack bucked his hip up in time with me. From deep inside, I could feel my release building.
I gripped onto Jack’s shoulders as my muscles contracted, stiffening in anticipation. Hands on my hips, holding me in place above him, Jack pumped into me. The relentless drive overwhelmed me and I cried out in pleasure, rocking into his motions. Below me, Jack continued to thrust into my trembling flesh until he too came, a rough cry tearing from him.
Damp with sweat, I rested my head on his shoulder until my breathing started to slow. I eased him out of me, wishing I didn’t feel so empty already. With a delirious smile on his lips, he kissed me once more and brushed the hair from my face. I crawled from his lap and he followed me up.
“I need to change, and then we can finish our catching up. You can use that bathroom if you want.” Jack indicated the one just off the common area. I nodded and watched him leave for his room.
I grabbed my purse and headed for the bathroom. I quickly cleaned up and pulled on a robe I found in the bathroom. Rifling through my purse and pulling out my phone I dialed Meg.
“Hey, honey, I’ve been thinking of you. How did Jack take it?”
“I, uh, haven’t told him yet,” I said in a hushed voice.
Meg was quiet for a minute, then a burst of laughter made me pull the phone away from my ear. When the cackling sounds subsided, I held the phone back to my head.
“What’s so funny?”
“You slept with him, didn’t you, you hussy?”
“I may have.”
“I don’t know why I didn’t see that coming. You two could never keep your hands off each other. Don’t worry about Will. He’s having a great time here torturing Kitty McGilly, so stay as long as you want.”
With a promise to try and be home tonight, I ended my call with Meg and headed back to the living room. Not finding Jack there, I went to the bedroom in search of him. The water was still running in the en suite bathroom, so I shed the robe and crawled into his bed. Snuggling deep under the covers, I enjoyed the feel of the plush sheets against my naked body—two things I couldn’t do in my own bed.
So comfortable and delirious with sleep, I let my eyes drift closed. In a sleepy haze, I felt Jack cozying in behind me. His hands wandered my body and I relaxed into him. Jack ran smooth hands over my breasts, pausing to brush his fingers over my nipples until they were hard. When he was satisfied with his efforts, he caressed his hands over my ribcage and over my stomach. His fingers stopped on the irregularity of the scar he found there and I stilled.
That scar was the reminder of my baby. Of when he grew inside me. Of when I loved him when no one else knew he existed. I loved that scar. Of all the scenarios I anticipated Jack finding out, in none of them was I quite as vulnerable as I was right now. I waited for Jack to say something.
“I noticed this earlier. It wasn’t there last time I saw you.” His voice was rough, gravelly.
“No.” He was quiet for a beat.
“What is it from?”
I turned in his arms. I needed to see him when I told him. In a mere whisper I said, “From when I had my son.”
“You have a child.” Another beat passed. “How old?”
“Two.” His eyes calculated.
“Mine?”
“Yes.”
The moment I had dreaded all these years was upon me, and that moment of truth was an ugly one. Jack didn’t smile, he didn’t look all weepy eyed like in the movies. He looked like he was going to be sick. I saw the panic flash through his features.
The hotel phone on the nightstand chose that moment to start to ring. Jack ignored it. I wasn’t even sure if he heard it.
In that moment, I felt I had to get away from here before more damage was done. The memories I had with Jack were perfect in my mind and the life I created with Will was perfect too. Merging the two could tarnish them both and I couldn’t bear that. I couldn’t seem to recall any of the reasons why I thought this was a good idea. Jack’s arms were slack around me, and so I rolled away from his body and off the other side of the bed.
Jack sat up, the shock on his face still evident. I left his room for the living room. I began to gather up my clothes and Jack followed behind.
“What are you doing?” he asked, despondent.
“Getting dressed. I have to go home,” I said distractedly, pulling my skirt up.
“You can’t leave now. We aren’t done talking.” His words were indignant but his voice was flat.
“I’ve said all I came here to say.” The hotel phone stopped ringing just as his cell phone on the kitchen counter started. “Sounds like someone is trying to reach you. You should take that.”
“Screw that. We’re not done here,” Jack said with a little more feeling this time.
I buttoned my shirt and grabbed my purse from off the coffee table. Jack’s phone was ringing again and this time he looked at the screen. He ran a hand through his hair.
“Shit. That’s Greg. I forgot I’m supposed to be at a meeting in half an hour. He’s probably calling to see where I am.” He frowned at the screen then back up at me.
“Don’t worry about it. I can show myself out.” I crossed the room to the door.
“No, Marie. I want to stay. I want you to stay.” I could almost pick up a trace of emotion ringing through.
“But you can’t and neither can I.” I paused with my hand on the knob. Turning back to Jack I said, “Listen, I know this is the last thing you need right now. That’s the exact reason I didn’t tell you in the first place. But now that we’re in the same city, I figured it would be best to tell you before you found out in some other, more embarrassing way. So now you know and we can both carry on with our lives.”
I slipped out the door to the sounds of his half-hearted protests. I moved quickly down the hall and onto the elevator. Tears threatened to break through as the look of distress in Jack’s eyes flashed in front of me again. I swiped at the errant tear that fell. I just needed to make it back to my car. Back to my life where I could keep pretending that everything was all right.
*****
I rolled over and stared at the clock. 2:53. It had been less than 12 hours since I left Jack’s hotel suite. I groaned and flopped onto my back again. I would have to get up in a few short hours and try to keep it all together. And really, what would be different? Life would be the same as it usually was. Except that my son would never know his father. Except that Jack would never be in my life again. Except I would have to face the truth that for three years I had been telling Meg that I didn’t care if that happened, when deep inside I was hopeful that it one day would.
I could still feel the empty ache he left inside me. I squeezed my thighs together, slowing the burn. Today had given me one more memory to add to my collection, but it didn’t seem like enough anymore. Seeing Jack had dredged up a lot of other memories for me—the intense draw of me to him, the easy conversation, parts of our lives that we had once shared. And the passion we bore burned a lot clearer in my mind now too. It was easy to see why I had loved him.
Despite all that, what I couldn’t get past was the fallout from Jack finding out about Will. Prepping myself to go see him, I didn’t know what to expect, but I guess it was more than what he gave me. I didn’t disillusion myself by thinking he would fall to his knees and weep with joy, but I thought he would maybe have the means of forming a full sentence at least. It hurt, knowing now that the man I had held in such high regard was no better than anyone else. I had loved him. Respected him. I had him on a pedestal thinking I was admiring him, but instead I just made it so that it hurt a lot more watching him fall.
I guess hearing that your mistress had your baby would floor most people. Because when it came down to it, that’s all I was. In my own head our relationship may have been more than that, but today I learned that the reality was that I was nothing more than a fling. And up until I told him the truth, he had treated me exactly like that. Like nothing had changed. He was my boss and I was his hidden love affair. He offered me a job, even. Back to my position as his official bed warmer, I guess.
I tossed on the bed and remembered how much I had loved what we had. It felt good to be with him, and it felt like I had found a lifelong partner. I guess it was just a misconception that if he would have stuck around, we would have made a real go of things. I was such a fool to sacrifice so much for his benefit. I was such a fool to pretend for so long that I was happy with how things were. The hurt of that stung my eyes and I cursed myself for being so stupid.
And now, in the aftermath, I had to carry on. I had been doing a good job of leading a new, semi-fulfilling life without him, creating all kinds of ideas of being a great martyr. Now I had to face the idea that maybe he was just another man who liked sleeping with a woman who liked letting him be in control.
I snuggled deeper into the bed, willing myself to fall asleep so I wouldn’t have to think about Jack Lawson anymore.
*****
Morning came, despite sleep eluding me. At some point during the night, just before the sun dusted my room in light, my disappointment and guilt turned to anger, making it impossible to get my thoughts to settle down. I may have made a mistake sleeping with Jack and not telling him about Will, but Jack had no right to make me feel bad about my decisions and my life. Will was my life and I had learned to be happy, and he had no right to take that away from me.
I hit the alarm, rolled out of bed, and got ready for work in a dull haze. I dropped Will off at daycare a few minutes early, giving me some time to walk to the coffee shop down the street from work. The coffee we made at Vinny’s only looked like coffee, but it tasted like dirty dish water. That wasn’t going to cut it today.
I sipped the strong, hot coffee as I walked at a slow pace down the block. It was quiet, and a little cool this morning. I used that to gain a bit of clarity when everything seemed murky at the moment. Arriving at the front door of the restaurant, I paused outside to finish my drink, not quite ready to face the noise and chaos within.
When I could no longer put it off, I walked through the door to the sound of the bell jingling. Grabbing my apron from a hook in the back I passed by the kitchen. From beyond, Vinny yelled out,
“You’re five minutes late. And you got a customer waiting.”
I rolled my eyes, knowing that to Vinny, being five minutes early is the equivalent of being five minutes late. I finished tying the apron strings and grabbed a couple of menus. Looking over to my section of the floor ,I spotted the lone customer sitting with his back to me in a booth. Jack. My heart raced in my chest and adrenalin pumped through me. I didn’t expect to see him any time soon. If ever I was to experience a fight or flight response, it was now.
My head was telling me to run, that nothing good would come from a confrontation. But my body, fueled by my renewed anger, was drawn down the aisle towards him. Each step felt heavy, like I was walking towards disaster. By the time I reached his table, I was already too nervous and angry and damn near ready to explode. I slammed the menu down on the table, satisfied when Jack startled. He looked up at me, eyes rimmed red. If his face was showing that much stress, I didn’t want to know what mine showed.
“What do you need, Jack?” I bit out.
“You left yesterday before we had a chance to talk.” His voice was irritatingly calm.
“I’m working. And I already said everything I needed to yesterday.”
“Don’t you think you owe me more than that?”
“That’s just the point. I don’t owe you anything, and vice versa. I simply came to your hotel to give you some information I thought you needed, which I did. Besides, if you wanted to discuss anything further, you could have done it then, instead of standing there like a zombie.”
“Can you blame me?” He looked at my through sad eyes. The unwavering politician in him was nowhere to be found.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t let him hear the guilt that was sure to come through. My pride was far too wounded to give any more of myself away.
“Can’t you take a break or something?” he pleaded. “I would really like to talk to you. I need to.”
His voice was still quiet, so reasonable and calm, making it hard for me to be angry.
“I just came on shift; I can’t take a break now.” I looked around the restaurant. There was no one else in my section, and only an elderly couple in the section on the other side. I conceded.
“It’s slow. I can probably sit for a minute.” I sat and he gave me a wary smile. It was sad, and it made that guilt eat at me all the more. My anger was fading fast. “What do you want to know?”
“Did you know you were pregnant before I left?” His question was immediate, rapid fire, like it had been on his lips the whole time.
“No. I found out a couple of weeks after.”
“But you didn’t you tell me?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t think you would have wanted to know.”
He screwed up his face. “How could you think that? I made him too. He’s part of me too. More importantly, he’s part of us.”
“But there was no us. I didn’t want to become your responsibility. I thought we would hold you back.”
“You don’t get to choose that for me. Maybe I wanted to be there. Maybe I wanted there to be an us.”
I searched his eyes and I saw the hurt. The hurt I had put there.
“But you left,” I said softly.
Jack rested his elbows on the table and ran his hand through his hair. He let a moment pass, considering the scarred tabletop. When he looked back to me, his eyes were full of regret.
“Leaving you was hard, Marie. But when the opportunity to move up came along, I took it without thinking you wouldn’t want to come with me. Then when I couldn’t convince you to come, I realized I had no right to ask. I had no claim to you.”
“And I didn’t have one to you. We weren’t even dating, not really anyways. We had to hide our relationship from everyone. How was I supposed to justify moving for you when for all I knew I was just a fling? I would have been a fool.”
His mouth smiled, but his eyes didn’t. “Life has a way of kicking you in the ass, doesn’t it? Maybe if I would have stuck around a little while longer, one of us would have worked up the courage to admit what we felt. Things could have been a lot different for us. But as it turned out, I didn’t and then you cut off all contact with me. I guess now I know why.”
“I didn’t want to force you into my life, so I guess I forced you out instead.”
“When you came to my room yesterday, I was excited that you wanted to see me again. That I was going to have a chance to get to know you again. Then when I put the pieces together that you had a baby, my baby, I panicked. You have to know that my reaction was only because I was surprised. I can’t even tell you everything that ran through may head.”
“Dread?”
“Yeah, a little of that. But a lot more than that too.” He studied me for a minute before asking, “Was it just your obligation to tell me because I was back? Would you have ever told me even if I hadn’t?”
I picked at the worn edges of the menu sitting between us. The emotions he was dredging up were raw and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to expose them, but I owed it to him to try. My voice came out in barely a whisper. “I don’t think so. I didn’t tell you because I had loved you. That hadn’t changed. But when I was faced with the idea of being close to you again, it wasn’t just an obligation to tell you. I didn’t feel right to keep him from you anymore. I realized how unfair that was to you.”
Jack just nodded and turned his head away to look out the window. His expression was blank, his eyes unseeing. I wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to forgive me for that decision, but even if he held it against me for the rest of my life, I couldn’t blame him.
The restaurant was starting to fill up, the breakfast crowd bustling noisily around us, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave this table. Finally, Jack turned back to me.
“Who does he look like?”
“You,” I smiled. “He looks just like you.” I pulled out my phone and found a good picture. I held it out to him and Jack took it from me, hesitant. When he looked at the screen, though, the corner of his lips pulled up into a small smile.
“Does he know about me?” he asked, still looking at the picture.
“No.”
Jack glanced up at me, pain in his eyes. But then he nodded and looked back to the phone, thumbing through more of them. After a moment, he sat back against the red, vinyl booth and looked at me.
“So what now? Can I meet him?”
“Of course. You’re his dad; you can see him whenever you want.”
“I’m his dad,” Jack repeated with a shake of his head. “That’s going to take some getting used to. And us?”
“What about us?”
“Let’s not beat around the bush. We already established that we wanted more from our relationship before it ended. I think we proved yesterday that things still work between us. Plus, you’ve already admitted that you love me.”
“For the record, I said I had loved you. Past tense.”
“Same thing.” He waved his hand dismissively in the air. “And furthermore, I can’t see you every day and think only pure thoughts. It’ll drive me mad. If we’re in each other’s lives, it’s going to have to be full time.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little extreme? We haven’t seen each other in three years. You can’t just storm around and make a decision like that.”
“Well, I’m sure as hell not going to leave any more of our decisions up to you. This time I get to decide for the three of us, and my decision stands.”
I smiled at Jack. No use arguing with a politician.
THE END