CHAPTER SIXTEEN
If you make a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake. – Confucius
Lily stared at the strip in her hand, unable to move or do anything further. Too many thoughts filled her mind, followed by emotions that threatened to overwhelm her if she didn’t keep herself calm and collected.
Taking control was the key.
Her hand shook. A part of her thought that perhaps that might change the result, but nothing changed. She had been extra careful—had been extra vigilant about not letting this happen. She kept staring at the line, trying to figure out what to do. When nothing came to mind, Lily sat down on the edge of her bed and took a very deep breath. It must have happened when she had the flu.
Calm was the key.
Should she tell Sebastian?
On one hand, doing so was perhaps the best move because he was involved in this and needed to know the truth. On the other, not doing so was perhaps the smarter choice, because this would only complicate their lives—especially his.
God, especially his.
Suddenly dizzy, she lay back on the bed and closed her eyes. She weighed her options. Tried not to scream. Her hand touched her stomach and she trembled even when she felt nothing.
Joy leaped.
It wasn’t going to be nothing in a few months.
Lily opened her eyes and sat back up.
Then she stood up and made her decision.
*****
She had been sick to her stomach for a couple of days and couldn’t keep her birth control pills down. That must be when it happened. As Lily drove towards the church, she tried to rationalize everything that had happened so far since she had last missed her period.
She had ignored it at first, since a late period happened to her every once in a while when she was stressed or lacking sleep.
And then the nausea came when she tasted pasta. Or smelled her jasmine-scented soap.
Then, there was the vomiting.
She should have predicted it already, should have gone to a doctor out of town to have herself checked, but she was stubborn and thought it still meant nothing. Three weeks after her period was supposed to be due, she finally took the pregnancy test.
Two lines came out instead of one.
The church was empty when she entered, save for William, whom she passed by on her way to Sebastian’s office. They greeted each other and he could see she was troubled, but she merely let him know she had some stuff to discuss with Sebastian before walking ahead. Lily took a deep breath as she walked the garden at the back towards his office, already composing what she was going to say in her head—
“Lily.”
Sebastian’s voice wiped out all words, and she stared at him. Her hand automatically flew to her stomach—a gesture he noticed as his eyes followed the movement.
Resolutely, she waited until his gaze returned back to her, then met it head-on. The words that came out of her mouth weren’t the ones she planned, but they were the ones that made sense at the moment.
“I want a relationship. No more secrets.”
Surprise filled his green eyes, an indication that this wasn’t what he had expected her to say. In fact, he looked a little taken aback. Then after surprise came a flash of regret, too fast but definitely there. He shook his head.
“You know that’s not possible,” he said softly.
There was something building up in her chest, threatening to undermine her calm right now. Lily ruthlessly forced it back in. “Then don’t you think this should be over?”
Silence.
Then Sebastian, whose expression had gone blank, nodded his head. “If you think so.”
Lily didn’t expect that answer at all. She expected…God, she didn’t know what to expect. Maybe she expected him to fight for her, at least a little bit.
Whatever was building inside her chest was rising and she knew she needed to get out of there. Without a single word, just a tiny nod of acceptance, she turned around and slowly walked off.
When she was already near the door at the back of the church, she heard him call her name softly. Once, then twice. But no footsteps came, and he didn’t try to stop her or come after her.
Lily kept walking.
*****
In the car, the floodgates opened. Tears leaked out of her eyes—big, fat tears that started rolling down her cheeks and blurred her vision as she drove back home. Her chest ached—and it wasn’t the kind of ache related to her pregnancy.
She was really, really stupid to believe there could be something more.
A voice inside her mind scolded her for being so naïve, considering it just started out as sex—sex with a man she was attracted to, a man who was absolutely forbidden and thrilling at the same time. Then they started talking more, and he started spending more time—hidden time—at her place, and sometimes she at his place, to cook each other food and just be with each other. It was those quiet moments that gave her a different kind of happiness, the one only brought on when she was curled in his arms before she had to leave. She had told him more about her life in Los Angeles, and he reciprocated by telling her about the accident—and his ultimate decision to leave the university and enter seminary school.
That last thought dominated her mind now as she slowly realized that not only was she stupid but incredibly selfish.
Being a pastor gave him peace. What right did she have to take that peace away from him?
They knew from the start that this was going nowhere. Sebastian was just the more courageous one because he had the guts to reject her.
But that didn’t stop it from hurting.
Her hand touched her stomach again as a certain kind of fear swept over her—the feeling of doing this alone. But her heart told her she wasn’t going to be alone. She had some solid friends. She had her uncle, who loved her dearly.
But she had to keep the father’s identity a secret.
The crying wouldn’t stop. Frustrated, Lily wiped her eyes with her hands, telling herself to keep it together. Maybe a cup of hot tea would do the trick. Or some soup. Definitely not pasta. She loathed pasta right now. She was going to miss that one, but it was only for nine months, anyway. Maybe she would take a liking again, after. She wasn’t sure.
But she was sure the baby would be loved so much.
Still confused about everything, very tired and shaking all over, Lily didn’t stop driving.
She also didn’t see the tree that was coming out to meet her. The impact of the collision sent her pitching forward as a scream tore from her throat before cut off when a sharp pain hit her head.
Then darkness took over.
*****
When consciousness came back, Lily found herself staring at a white ceiling with a buzz of noise in her ears. It didn’t register at first that the buzz was actually voices until a hushed silence filled the air. She blinked to clear her vision and found a lot of faces staring down at her.
Suddenly, everyone started talking at once.
“I’m so glad you’re okay!” Darla exclaimed, putting a hand over her heart in relief. “You were like a limp vegetable just a few minutes ago.”
Janice scoffed. “Is that even the best way to welcome a person back from the dead?”
“Oh, my God!” Hanna said before hushing them both loudly. “You guys are so unbelievable! Stop it with the horrible words!”
“I think we need to give her some space…” Beth warned worriedly.
Someone cleared his throat, and it sounded so much like her uncle. This turned out to be true as the women parted to give way to him as he walked closer, a look of stark relief on his face. He placed a hand on top of hers, smiling gently.
“I’m glad you’re awake,” he said.
Lily nodded her head, which hurt a bit. She winced. Then another commotion set in as the doctor arrived and the women were asked to leave, which they did—but not before promising that they would be back in a bit to bring food and stuff to cheer her up.
The doctor, a familiar man named Johnson, whom she never really got to interact with, asked her a series of questions about her identity to determine her state of mind before prodding her competently with his stethoscope and other tools. He then gave her clearance to rest and said the nurse would be visiting in a bit to bring in some medicines, which puzzled her at first. So she asked.
Dr. Johnson and the reverend exchanged a glance. Then the doctor gently prodded her again if she remembered what happened.
It was all blurry at first—a series of pictures that her mind couldn’t form, which made her frown and her eyebrows furrow. Then, like a cloud parting, everything came into focus as the image puzzle pieced together one by one.
Her heart jumped and her hand went to her stomach.
A look of compassion crossed the doctor’s face before he schooled it to become professional and serious. In a clear, sympathetic tone, he said words that reached her ears and felt hollow.
She had almost been thrown from the car, with only her air bag stopping her from flying out altogether. She suffered a minor head injury, which explained the bandage wrapped around it. Her leg was also very badly bruised and there was a crack in one of the bones from when the front of her car was crushed and she would be walking in a cast and limping for a few weeks before it was fully healed.
The baby was gone. She had bled when she had been unconscious and they couldn’t save it.
It all swirled in Lily’s mind, repeating over and over until she could hear it shouting over her numbness. Then everything made sense and everything became too clear.
The numbness was gone and grief slowly started to seep in.
She didn’t realize that she was crying until she felt the doctor leave with a quiet bid and a hand fall on her shoulder. It was a soothing hand, but it felt completely useless as her shoulders shook and pain hit her body. But the physical pain was nothing compared to the pain inside, overflowing until it could no longer go anywhere.
It was unbelievable how she had loved what was inside her almost immediately, but it was taken away in just a split second. She looked at her uncle, looking to see if he was ashamed of her but all she could see was compassion and love. He made soothing sounds and sat on the side of the bed and reached out to hug her. She fell into his embrace, accepting the comfort that only made her feel emptier.
Then she leaned her head on his shoulder and sobbed.