CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow. – William Shakespeare
Of course, Janice was right about one thing—that of Sebastian being an idiot in more ways than one. Leaving Lily in the hospital while she was bruised up probably had to be the lowest moment of his life and he vowed to change that.
What Janice didn’t know was that he did visit Lily, when everyone was at home and it was almost midnight. But he only stayed until before five in the morning not wanting to disturb Lily from her sleep or risk anyone seeing him there.
He had been planning to visit her again for days, but just didn’t have the actual courage to step out of his comfort zone to do so.
Plus, she had texted him and told him not to come because she didn’t want people to have the wrong idea. And he had agreed. It was a cowardly move.
There were rumors she was running away from someone and had gotten distracted, perhaps her ex—but he knew that wasn’t true. Guilt had been racking him for days and it was all he could do to stay away. He went to church. He often went to church even when he wasn’t in session, simply to pray.
After Janice had visited him at home and delivered her feelings on the matter he had gone to church and simply sat in the front pew, reflecting over everything. He looked up at the altar, waited for a sign. Any sign to tell him what to do. After Tanya died he had vowed to dedicate his life to looking after other’s needs, not his own. He didn’t deserve to love and be loved and he was doing fine until Lily showed up. He’d lost control. He couldn’t help himself, he fell so deeply in love that he couldn’t think straight. He tried to resist but he couldn’t and look what happened. He almost lost the woman he loved more than anything.
Lily, with her kind soul. She was like a breath of fresh air, a woman who had given him more than his desire. She had made him happy, happier than he had ever been, but he didn’t deserve it. He made a vow to serve and to dedicate his life to the church. He wasn’t a priest, he didn’t have to stay alone but after the accident he made a vow to stay alone for the rest of his life. He couldn’t be with Lily. With anyone, for that matter.
Because being with her would mean turning his back on the life he felt he was supposed to lead.
Sebastian closed his eyes, the questions swirling in his mind.
How does one let go of the vow to serve?
How does one let go of the love of a good woman?
There was no easy answer to both questions.
A few minutes later, he heard footsteps and found John in the same space as him, headed his way. Sebastian nodded his head when he came near and John took it as an indication to sit down. From the corner of his eye, Sebastian observed him as he quietly stared at the altar himself.
There was worry in his eyes, visible underneath the calm façade. Sebastian knew he hadn’t slept in days, but that wasn’t exactly saying something. Sebastian knew he himself had dark circles under his eyes from his tossing and turning in bed.
“How is she?” Sebastian asked, keeping his voice casual. Unattached.
There was a long silence before John finally sighed. “She is doing a lot better.”
But his face said otherwise. “But?” Sebastian prompted.
John turned to him, worry in his eyes before returning his gaze to the altar. “She’s better physically, but not at heart.” There was hesitation before he finally continued. “Ever since the doctor told her the news, she hasn’t stopped crying.”
A cold chill began to run up Sebastian’s spine. “What news?”
“The baby. She lost the baby.”
And it was like his whole world turned. In the span of a second, Sebastian felt a roller coaster of emotions so intense he thought he would die. His mind went blank and he felt his chest hurt as he lost his breath.
John was still talking, but he was no longer listening. The numbness that had enveloped him earlier was immediately replaced with coldness as he recalled the way she had placed her hand on her stomach when she had asked her question about beginning an actual relationship. At the time he had thought it odd but didn’t pay that much attention. He should have. He damn well should have.
When John finally left, Sebastian took time to reflect again. Then he went and found William to cover his session for some important time off.
He had a hospital to visit.
*****
Lily, of course, was shocked to see him when he entered while she was watching television. She quickly hid the shock and forced a slight smile on her face, but not before he saw the dismay there.
There was silence as he sat on the seat beside her, looking her over.
She had some bruises on her neck and chin but they were healing and starting to fade into a faint purple mark. Her lower lip was swollen and it was obvious that there was weariness surrounding her despite all her rest.
Sebastian took her hand. She snatched it away as if burned, then fisted it on her sheets as she adopted a bright expression.
“Why are you here, Seb?”
“To check on you,” he responded. Stubbornly, he took her hand again and gave it a squeeze, the connection sending a spark between them. She ignored it. “I’m sorry about the baby.”
Her hand jumped under his, but he firmly kept his hand there.
“Look,” she began, looking him in the eye. Her light-gray eyes were clear, and he found himself missing their color more than anything. “I’m pretty sure the pregnancy rumors are already circulating, despite my friends’ and uncle’s best at trying to keep it under wraps. If they found you had any involvement in it…”
“I don’t care what people think, Lily.”
She tugged her hand off, and this time, she was successful. “Don’t you, really? You’ll be treated like a pariah. I know how this works. It will ruin you. You will lose your job and you could lose your status and be kicked out of the church … Pastor Seb!”
The impersonal name coming out of her mouth had him staring at her in surprise. But she had shut down.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” she said softly. “I’ve been planning to leave, anyway. This was just a short respite for me…this place. And it worked.” Blue eyes pinned him in place as she said her final words. “It’s time for me to move on.”
So it wasn’t about him. It was about her and her need to leave all along.
There was nothing he could do at this point, even when every part of him was screaming at him to reach out to her once more. But pride got in the way. So did obligations. So Sebastian did what he thought was right and what she wanted to hear.
He gave his final goodbye to Lily and promised her he would never bother her again.
*****
Sebastian did his best to continue with his duties without letting thoughts of her bother him, but it was absolutely impossible. She filled his mind day and night; haunted his sleep and he became very grumpy. William was the first to notice and the guy tried to reach out in the best way he could—by inviting Sebastian out to dinner so he could gently probe.
Of course, he got nothing. Sebastian refused to tell anyone at this point and he closed himself off and wouldn’t let anyone in. He still tried his best in charming the townspeople and imparting his word of wisdom but most of the enthusiasm was gone as he questioned his own self over and over.
Doubt filled his mind. Only thoughts of her remained and her words.
He wasn’t a hypocrite, of course. Sebastian didn’t deny that he craved to be inside her again, to be able to hear her moans of pleasure again as he brought her to climax. He wanted to touch every inch of her and follow it with a taste and he wanted those hands to be all over him. He often dreamed about it and when he woke up, it left him with the biggest hard-on that he had difficulty trying to get rid of. A quick shower sometimes did the trick but then thoughts of her would return, and he would just be aroused all over again.
But that wasn’t all.
He also craved her presence. Just her presence. Lily wasn’t perfect as he had believed when he first met her. She was often naïve and sometimes too shy for her own good. She was a dreamer, often getting lost in her own thoughts and forgetting to do something about her career, which absolutely needed a boost. She didn’t believe in herself enough to go after what she wanted. She gave up too easily.
But she was also a fighter, for others. She stuck up for people and tried her best to make everyone feel good And she was passionate—passionate about everything she held dear, and about the things that got her excited. She was passionate about her goal to move on, passionate about her devotion to her good uncle. Passionate about him.
An ache started in Sebastian’s chest as he thought of her laugh, her glare. Her eyes staring at him, seeing too much when she had told him she was ready to move on. It wasn’t about her. It was never about her.
And just like that, realization hit him like a ton of bricks. She did this for him!
In church. In the middle of a sermon John was conducting.
It took all of Sebastian’s control not to flee right then and there and go after her…five days after she left town. It took all of his effort not to punch his hand through a wall as he realized just exactly how stupid he had been. Not just stupid on Janice’s level.
He was beyond that.
Sebastian waited for John to finish his sermon, waited for the people to slowly file out. It was a slow, painful process. When they were finally alone, he walked over to the man and told him he had something very important to tell him. He told John everything, about the accident, Tanya’s death and his vow to dedicate himself to the church and to helping others. He told him he loved Lily and that the baby was his and how he had told Lily they couldn’t be together because of his vow to dedicate his life to the church. He’d tried to continue his ministry but his heart wasn’t in it without Lily in his life. John listened carefully. Sebastian felt so ashamed he couldn’t look at John.
They sat in silence for a long time.
Then John said quietly, “Sebastian, I think God forgave you a long time ago. Who are you to reject the forgiveness of God? Yes you have been a good pastor, a wonderful, caring pastor but what makes you think that being in a loving relationship with the woman you love more than life will change your love for the people and the church? Do you remember what you told the Burns boy when you counselled him? Don’t you think your ministry will be better if you understand the people you are ministering to? Don’t you think that being a husband and a father who has experienced loss will make you a better pastor? Living love is what the church is all about. Think about that! And forgive yourself! Now go and pray for guidance”.
He had made his decision.
And it wasn’t going to be an easy one.
Almost twenty-four hours of emotional turmoil later, and with the reverend’s wise words echoing in his head Sebastian went home to pack his bags and change his clothes. Then he dialed a number.
“Janice the wise speaking,” Janice answered on the other line after two rings.
“I need Lily’s Los Angeles address,” he said without preamble.
There was a heavy pause, and he was pretty certain his cousin was frowning in disapproval. She cleared her throat.
“And why should I give it to you?” she asked cautiously.
“Because I’m going after her.”
Another pause—of shock this time. He didn’t explain further, certain she understood exactly what he meant.
Finally, she conceded. “Fine. But under one condition.”
“Go for it.”
“We come with you.”
“We?”
“Her friends.”
That startled him for a second. “Why?”
“That’s on us. We want to visit her. You, in the meantime, are going to drive and worry about how to get her back. Oh, and we make separate rides. I don’t want them finding out yet that you’re coming with us.”
He thought it over, then figured out he had nothing to lose.
“Do they know?”
“Everything except your identity. I’ll handle them,” she assured. “You worry about you. And Lily. And Seb?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s not gonna be easy getting her back.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes.”
And he would.