Before Shayna could say anything, Gail appeared with a tray holding two cups and a plate of goodies. She set the steaming cups in front of Erin and Noella then put the plate of cookies in the center of the table along with some small plates and napkins.
“Thank you, Gail,” Erin said as the woman tucked the tray under her arm and stepped back. She then turned her gaze to Shayna. Her expression was open and friendly which helped to quell some of Shayna’s nerves. “How have you been doing?”
“I’ve been okay,” Shayna told her, not sure what she might know about her and Tristan and their breakup. “Keeping super busy with work and Timothy.”
Their talk turned to their kids for a bit then Noella asked, “Where is Timothy today? Playdate at a friend’s place?”
“Something like that,” Shayna said with a small shrug. “He’s with Tristan for the night.”
Erin’s eyes widened briefly. “But I thought…uh…” She glanced at Noella before looking back at Shayna. “We’d heard that you guys had…uh…broken up.”
“We have, but Tristan has been nice enough to continue to spend time with Timothy.” Shayna took a sip of tea, needing a moment to pull her emotions back. “He thinks the world of Tristan.”
“He’s a pretty neat guy,” Erin said. “The whole family is rather terrific, if I may say so.”
Shayna nodded, the pang of loss coming on strong. “They were very good to Timothy and me.”
“What happened?” Erin asked.
“Erin,” Noella said, her voice soft but holding a note of scolding. “That’s not really any of our business.”
Shayna gave Noella a grateful look. She would have answered Erin but was happier to be given the option not too.
“I was pleasantly surprised when Erin told me that you’d contacted her about meeting with us,” Noella said, a redirect of conversation for which Shayna was grateful. “I really wanted to follow up on our conversation on New Year’s Eve.”
Shayna met Noella’s dark brown gaze, expecting to see judgment like she had in previous years, but this time there was only warmth. Some of the tightness in her chest eased. “I kind of wanted to talk about the past. Our past.”
Noella nodded. “I wanted to talk about that too because I need to apologize for how I treated you back then.”
Noella’s words rendered Shayna speechless. That had been the last thing she’d expected in coming to talk with them.
“Noella’s correct. We didn’t treat you right. I think we all knew that Lorne would end up back on the street, but you were a convenient person to blame when it happened.”
“What do you mean about him ending up back on the street?” Shayna asked. She thought she knew what they were saying, but she wanted to be clear.
Noella cupped her mug in her hands. “Well, Lorne’s heart was for the people on the street. He had always been able to defend himself, and I knew from talking with him that he felt strongly about helping those who couldn’t help themselves.”
“Like me.”
Noella nodded. “Like you, and so many others. I’m not sure it surprised any of us to learn how Lorne had died. Not that we weren’t absolutely devastated to hear about his death, but as the details came out, it wasn’t a surprise to us that he’d died trying to help those on the street.”
Shayna nodded then said, her voice low, “I was angry with him for going downtown that night. He was supposed to be with Timothy and me for Timothy’s end of the year school program. I knew his heart was for the kids who were like he had been, and usually, I was okay with that. But for just that night, I’d wanted him to put us first. I pled with him not to go, but he went anyway.”
She took another sip of her tea, trying to calm the trembling in her words.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Erin said. “I’m sure that must have made his death even harder to take.”
“It was hard because as fiercely as we loved each other, some of our last words were said in anger.” There was pain at that memory, but it wasn’t as sharp as it had once been. “We said we loved each other before he left, but still…”
“How are you doing with his death now?” Noella asked. “I mean, you dated Tristan.”
Shayna sighed. “Yes, I did.” She didn’t expound on how things had ended with him though. “I think I’m doing okay now. Grief doesn’t have a timetable that it follows, even though some people seem to think that it should. Like at the one-year mark, you should magically be able to move on. That definitely wasn’t the case for me, and even now, there are moments when something triggers a memory that brings the grief back to life, even if it is just for a brief time.”
“Well, I’m sorry for not handling your relationship with Lorne better, and because of that, I know you weren’t comfortable accepting our support after he passed away.”
“I’m sorry too,” Erin said. “We all came from such difficult backgrounds. We should have been supporting each other instead of tearing you down.”
“I wanted to see you because I felt I owed you both an apology as well. I knew that you were good friends of Lorne’s, but I didn’t want him spending time with you because of how I felt about you.” Shayna shredded the napkin on the table in front of her. “I shouldn’t have made him feel like he needed to choose between us. I’m sorry.”
Erin reached out and touched her arm. “I think all three of us made things difficult for Lorne, and I’m sorry about that too. I don’t think we understood how deeply the two of you loved each other. At such a young age, we didn’t think it should be possible. But clearly, it was.”
“Well, you know how I felt about love and marriage in general,” Noella said with a wry grin. “I’ve obviously changed my tune on that.”
“Well, poor Finn had to really work to get that ring on your finger,” Erin said as she bumped shoulders with Noella.
Shayna found herself relaxing as they went on to talk about how they had each met and fallen in love with their husbands. She had thought it would be painful to hear about that, but it wasn’t. All she could think of was the way Lorne would have laughed at how persistent Finn had been in order to win Noella’s heart.
She left the bakery awhile later with a bakery box of treats and a promise to stay in touch. Though Shayna was pleased with how well things had gone with Erin and Noella, her day wasn’t over yet. Since it wasn’t often she had a significant amount of Timothy-free time, she felt like she needed to take advantage of it.
As she headed back across the city, she checked her gas gauge to make sure she had enough gas to make the hour long drive out to Lisa’s. It was a risk to head out there since she hadn’t pre-arranged a visit with Lisa the way she had with Erin and Noella. It was possible that Lisa wouldn’t be receptive to her visit, but Shayna needed her to know that she felt it was worth seeing her face to face to try and make things right instead of just doing that over the phone or via text.
The nerves that had calmed during her visit with Erin and Noella flared back to life during the drive west of the city. Once she found Lisa’s mother’s house, Shayna sat in her car for a few minutes trying to convince herself that this was the right move. It was possible that Lisa would still reject her, but she had to try.
She wanted to believe that whatever Lisa’s original reasons for helping her had been, they’d built a friendship between them over the past three years since Lorne’s death. A friendship worth trying to save.
Finally, Shayna pushed open the door of the car and got out. Then, after a moment’s hesitation, she reached back in and grabbed the bakery box.
Praying each step of the way, Shayna walked up the narrow sidewalk to the front steps of the small home. She forced herself not to hesitate before pressing the doorbell.
When the door swung open, she could see the shock on her friend’s face. “Shay? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”
Emotion flooded Shayna, and she blinked rapidly as she said, “I’ve missed you.”
“Oh, Shay.” Lisa flung her arms around her and pulled her close, murmuring against her hair, “I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry. So sorry.”
Shayna wrapped her arms around Lisa’s waist. “I’m sorry too.”
When Lisa finally stepped back, she grabbed her arm and pulled her into the house. “Where’s Timothy? How’s Timothy? How long can you stay?”
Smiling with relief, Shayna allowed herself to be bundled into the kitchen where Lisa gestured for her to sit down at the table. “Let me just go check on my mom to make sure she doesn’t need anything. I’ll be right back.”
A few minutes later, she found herself answering Lisa’s questions with an ease she hadn’t dared hope for. She answered them in reverse order, knowing that the answer to the where question would lead to more questions.
As they talked, Shayna felt like the frayed parts of her life were slowly being knit back together. It had only been when she’d felt totally on her own after Tristan had broken up with her, that she’d realized that she had a bad tendency of leaving fractured relationships in her wake. Rather than try to work things out, she just moved on.
After what had happened with Tristan, she’d realized she didn’t want to just keep moving on. At least not without trying to see if things could be mended. She still needed to try to talk to her dad, and, of course, Tristan. At the very least she owed him an apology for not coming to him with a heart free to love again. For letting him believe that was the case when it hadn’t been.
“I wish you could have stayed longer,” Lisa said a couple of hours later as they stood on the porch.
“I know, but I need to get home before it’s too late.” She gave Lisa a tight hug. “We’ll set up something again, next time with Timothy, and I’ll make sure we can stay longer.”
“I owe him pancakes,” Lisa said with a smile. “Give him a hug and a kiss from me.”
“I will.”
As Shayna walked down the sidewalk toward her car, Lisa called out, “Drive safe!”
For the first time in a long time—maybe even since before Lorne’s death—Shayna felt a lightness in her heart. Even though there was still hurt and sadness there, the weight she’d known for so long felt like it had lessened considerably. She only wished she’d worked through all of this before things with Tristan had gone so wrong.
Back home an hour later, Shayna changed into her pajamas then settled on her bed, the contents of her bottom dresser drawer spread on the bed. Around her were all the pictures of her and Lorne that she’d moved from the living room as well as the ones from her bedroom. Slowly, she picked up each one, calling to mind the memory of when it had been taken.
Though she knew Lorne couldn’t hear her, she spoke to his image in each picture, telling him how she missed him and how he’d always have a place in her heart. She thanked him for loving her as fiercely as he had, and for giving her such a wonderful little boy to carry on their love.
Tears dripped on the glass of some of the frames, and she carefully wiped them away before placing the frame inside the special box she’d bought for them. Between each of the frames, she placed a piece of Lorne’s clothing that she’d kept and often worn. Finally, the only picture left was the one that Tristan had seen on her nightstand that fateful day.
Lorne had taken it the morning she’d crawled back into bed to tell him that the pregnancy test she’d just taken had been positive and that they were going to be parents for the second time. She had other pictures of her pregnant with the little girl she’d ended up losing, but that picture had been filled with such joy and promise. Even though she’d ended up losing both of them, that one picture represented the good they hoped was to come in their lives.
“Take care of our little girl, Lorne. I’m glad you’re there together.” Though she didn’t really know how heaven worked, Shayna liked to imagine that Lorne had been there to greet their little girl when she’d slipped from her short earthly life into her heavenly one.
The pregnancy had been difficult. She’d had several bouts of bleeding during the first trimester, and more than once, they’d thought she’d lost the baby. Shayna had fought for the pregnancy each time, but all had been lost in the maelstrom of grief following Lorne’s death.
The picture went on the top of the others, and then Shayna slowly slid off the narrow gold band from her right hand. With trembling fingers, she lifted it to her lips then blinked back tears as she put it into the small box she’d bought to hold it. Maybe someday, Timothy would want it.
There were still pictures of the three of them sitting out in the townhouse—a couple in the living room and a couple in Timothy’s room—so it wasn’t like she was packing Lorne away completely, but she knew it was time to make room for new memories. He would always be her first love, and at one time, she would have thought he’d be her last, but the past couple of months had proven that to not be the case.
During the weeks since the breakup, Shayna had come to the realization that the reason her feelings for Tristan had been different from how she’d felt about Lorne was because Tristan and Lorne had been different. She was different. Plus, she’d been trying to measure the start of a relationship with one that had lasted for ten years—seven of which had been spent as a married couple.
She wasn’t the same girl now that she’d been when she’d first fallen in love with Lorne as a fourteen-year-old. She’d grown and matured since then, even if she hadn’t been smart enough to see that before losing Tristan. Had she been, she would have known that there was every possibility that their love would strengthen and deepen the longer they were together.
With all the pictures packed away, Shayna slid the box to the other side of the bed and left it there as she settled beneath her blankets. Remnants of her grief still clung to her as she closed her eyes, and she knew they’d never be completely gone. She hoped and prayed, however, that in the days, months, and years to come, her memories would be of the happy times she’d had with Lorne and not the huge gap in her life that had been left by his death.
But in a few days time, Shayna planned to celebrate Lorne’s life by talking to Timothy about his father. It was time to stop mourning his death and to start celebrating the life he’d lived.