Tristan waffled back and forth all the way out to his car. Part of him just wanted to retreat to the peace and quiet of his apartment after having just had five days—plus the morning at church—of interacting with people. When he had to do it, he was fine, and he managed to deal with people with no problem, but after almost a week of that, being presented with the option of some time to himself was almost too tempting.
In the end, Tristan headed out to the family home, promising himself that he wouldn’t stay too long. It was rare that everyone showed up for the Sunday dinners these days, barring a special occasion like a birthday. Still, there were enough of them there that afternoon that the noise level made Tristan wish he’d taken the option to go home.
“Hi, sweetheart,” his mom said when he made his way into the kitchen.
Tristan gave her a hug. “Hi, Mom. Need some help?”
She glanced up at him then paused. “Are you doing okay? You look tired.”
“I am tired. It’s been a busy week, but tomorrow’s my day off, and I plan on catching up on my sleep.”
“Is that all?” She glanced past him. “Are you here on your own?”
Sometimes moms could be entirely too perceptive. Thankfully, the arrival of Sammi, Levi, and their three kids distracted her, and Tristan was able to slip away without having to answer her question.
In the living room, he found Gabe, Maya, Ryan, and Hannah along with Bennett and Grace and all their children. Tristan greeted each of the women with a kiss before settling on the couch beside Ryan.
“How’s life, Tris?” Ryan asked. When Tristan glanced at him, Ryan’s brow furrowed. “What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“Tristan,” Ryan said, his tone reproving. “You know better than to try and pull one over on me. Are Shayna and Timothy here?”
Tristan shook his head. “Not today.”
“Everything okay with them?”
“Yeah, they’re okay.” Tristan looked down at his phone. “They won’t be around as much anymore. Shayna and I broke up.”
Tristan’s gaze lifted when he heard Maya’s gasp.
“Really, Tris?” Her mouth turned down in a frown. “I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?”
For a moment, Tristan’s gaze met Ryan’s knowing one. “It just wasn’t the right time.”
Hannah came to sit beside Tristan, one hand on her baby bump, the other coming to rest on Tristan’s arm. “Sometimes not the right time doesn’t last forever. And when the right time does come, it will be all the more special.”
“Maybe.” Tristan gave her a smile, but he couldn’t hold it in place. “But I think perhaps it was a combination of the wrong time and the wrong person. One can possibly be fixed with waiting.” He shrugged. “The other…not so much.”
“I don’t know, Tris,” Maya said. “Did she say you weren’t the right guy? Because from what I’ve seen over the past few months, you’re very much the right person for her and Timothy. I mean, you’re such a great guy.”
“Thanks, Maya,” Tristan said, wishing her words made him feel better. If anything, they made him feel worse. Like even being such a great guy, he wasn’t what Shayna wanted. “But when I said I was the wrong person, I meant that I wasn’t Lorne. Her husband.”
The silence that followed his words told him that they understood what he was saying, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at them.
“What about Timothy?” Gabe asked. “I know that he thought you were great.”
“I think he’s great too. I hope that we can work something out so that I can still spend some time with him.” He gripped his hands tightly around his phone as he gave a humorless laugh. “It’s almost like trying to work out visitation rights without a divorce.”
“Is Shayna willing to allow you to spend time with him still?” Maya asked.
Tristan shrugged. “We haven’t spoken since we broke up, but after seeing him at Sunday School this morning, I guess I need to contact her.”
“When did you break up?”
Tristan glanced at Ryan and said, “On Monday.”
“Dude! Why didn’t you say something sooner?” Gabe asked with a frown.
Tristan didn’t even bother to answer him because everyone there knew the answer.
“Would you mind if I gave her a call?” Maya asked. “Just to see how she’s doing?”
“Not at all,” Tristan assured her. “In fact, I would appreciate that.”
“Good. I’ll give her a call later on today to check on her.”
“Let’s sit up, kids,” his dad called from the entrance to the living room. “Food’s ready.”
Grateful to have the subject closed for the time being, Tristan got to his feet. Ryan gave him a thump on the shoulder as they headed into the dining room. “If you need to talk, let me know.”
Tristan gave him a nod, but he wasn’t sure that there was anything he wanted to talk to Ryan about. Even if he was the easiest of his siblings to talk to.
He thought maybe the subject would come up again during dinner, but thankfully it didn’t. Once they were done eating, Tristan stayed long enough to help clean up then prepared to head out.
“Hey, Tris. Hang on a second.”
Tristan glanced over his shoulder to see Bennett coming his way. He let go of the doorknob and turned back to face him.
“I’m sorry to hear about you and Shayna,” Bennett said. “I know our situations are a bit different, but Grace and I might be able to share some insights with you about dealing with someone who is moving on from the death of a spouse.”
“Thanks, bro. I’ll keep that in mind.”
Bennett gave him a hug then stepped back. “We’ll be praying for you both.”
“I appreciate that.”
Now more eager than ever to get home, Tristan said goodbye then left the house. He appreciated Bennett’s offer, but he just couldn’t see how they’d be able to help him out. He’d already looked at their situation, as well as his parents’, to help him decide to make that initial move with Shayna.
From what he could tell, it had taken Grace less than a year to move forward with Bennett. And though he’d never asked specifically about the time frame, he thought it had only been a couple of years between when his mom’s first husband had died and when she’d begun to date Tristan’s dad. Because of that, he’d assumed that since it had been three years since Lorne had passed away, Shayna would be ready to consider another relationship.
When the first date had ended so awkwardly, Tristan had thought that maybe he’d been wrong. He should have taken that feeling to heart and stepped back. But his heart was already involved, so when she’d contacted him about the New Year’s Eve party, he’d happily ignored that feeling. That decision was validated since she’d seemed happy to accept future date invitations from him.
He’d assumed that she was starting to fall for him just like he’d fallen for her. It hadn’t seemed too soon. But maybe he’d been wrong about that. Was it possible that just because he had known that quickly, she might not have? But how long was he supposed to wait around? If there was no chance she’d fall in love with him, he’d rather know sooner than later.
Well, now he knew, and a small part of him hoped he hadn’t jumped the gun by pressuring her to say she loved him.
For sure, he’d be learning from this experience, and it would be a long time before he’d put his heart on the line again like he had with Shayna.
Shayna let out a sigh as she settled into the chair out on the small deck at the townhouse, pulling the cuffs of her sweatshirt’s sleeves over her hands. The late June evening air had a bit of coolness to it, but not enough to chase her inside.
She’d left the sliding door open so that if Timothy needed her, she’d hear him. Looking out over the co-op complex as twilight settled over the day, she felt the ever-present loneliness and sadness rise to the surface of her emotions.
June was always a difficult month as it marked the anniversary of Lorne’s death. In just ten days, he would have been gone four years. The grief she usually felt was intensified by the loss of Tristan. In a lot of ways, that was eclipsing the emotions she usually felt this time of year.
It had been a long week. Several long weeks, in fact, and there didn’t seem to be any end in sight. Ever since things had ended with Tristan two months ago, it seemed to take considerable effort for her to make it through each day.
The aching sadness. The tears that seemed to shimmer right beneath the surface. The gaping hole in her life. The anger. It was all eerily similar to the time following Lorne’s death even if it wasn’t to the same depth.
The anger after Lorne’s death had been, for a time, directed at Lorne because he’d gone out when she’d asked him not to. He’d given a possible gang fight precedence over attending his son’s end of the year school program.
Her anger this time around was directed solely at herself. Her time with Tristan had been a series of mistakes on her part. If only she’d been more honest—with herself and with Tristan—things might never have ended the way they had. Unfortunately, that realization had come too late.
Several weeks too late, in fact.
“You doing okay?”
Shayna looked over to see Eva standing in the open doorway, her face in shadow from the light behind her. Ever since she’d found out about the break-up, the woman had been very solicitous and caring. Though she hadn’t replaced Lisa or Tristan, Shayna always appreciated her concern.
“I am. Thank you.” Shayna shifted on her seat. “How has your week been?”
Eva stepped out onto the deck and sat on the other chair. “It was crazy. I mean, we’ve been busy for a couple of months now, but it seems to be getting even crazier as we head into summer.”
“Lots of bridezillas?”
“Today seemed to be all about the mother-zillas. Opinionated mamas all around.”
Shayna had learned more about the bridal business than she’d ever known since living with Eva for the past six months. When she’d married Lorne, she’d bought her dress off the rack at a huge sale at a local bridal shop. They’d had a small wedding in the church they’d been attending at the time and then had a barbecue following the ceremony.
She was kind of glad that they hadn’t fussed with something on the level that Eva seemed to deal with at Belle’s bridal boutique.
“Mitch came by with Theo today,” Eva said with a laugh. “He’s so adorable, toddling all over the place. He seemed to like to hide amongst the dresses in the sample room best.”
Shayna waited for the pang of loss to hit and wasn’t disappointed. Anytime she heard mention of the Callaghan family, the constant pain she was in seemed to pulse to a higher level. She hadn’t seen Tristan since their break-up except at a distance. Any communication they’d shared had been through text, starting with the message he’d sent asking if he could spend some time with Timothy.
She was so grateful that while she’d failed Tristan, he was still willing to be there for Timothy. With her permission, he took Timothy out for a few hours each week. She knew that Timothy was thrilled that Tristan still wanted to spend time with him. So was Shayna, but each time Tristan came to pick him up, she watched them leave through a veil of tears and with an aching heart.
The next day, Tristan was going to pick Timothy up mid-afternoon, and then he was going to keep him overnight. They were going out for dinner before attending one of Benjie’s hockey games which Tristad had said would run late. Because of that, Tristan had asked if it was okay for Timothy to spend the night, and then he’d bring him to church Sunday morning.
It would be the first time Timothy had spent the night away from Shayna, but she knew that he would have been terribly disappointed if she’d said no. In the end, she’d agreed because she had some things she needed to do, and they would be accomplished more easily if she didn’t have to worry about Timothy.
After talking a bit more, Eva said her goodnight and headed back inside. Shayna stayed out on the deck, her thoughts on the next couple of days. It was going to be difficult for her, but it was time she faced the situations she’d created.
The past couple of months had been a time of significant growth for her, even if it had been incredibly painful. The self-reflection she’d undergone had revealed some things about herself that had been difficult to accept. But she knew she had to face them or she’d never be able to move past the pain that engulfed her on a daily basis.
Tristan’s arrival and subsequent departure from her life had done a lot of things, not the least of which was facing her grief. In the time since Lorne’s death, she’d lived with her grief, never attempting to move beyond it. The grief had become a familiar companion in Lorne’s absence. Though it caused her pain, she had embraced it because it was the last emotional connection she had to Lorne. Accepting that she needed to free herself from that grief in order to move forward had been difficult but necessary.
If nothing else, Lorne deserved to be remembered with joy and happiness. Not shrouded in the dark pall of grief that he had been for the last four years.
When the sun finally faded away, and black had replaced the gray of twilight, Shayna got to her feet and went inside. As soon as it had gotten warm enough, she’d begun to end her days on the deck, thanking God for another day in which those she loved and cared for were safe. Tristan might not be hers, but she was grateful that he was still out there in the world. That was the only thing that kept her pain at a manageable level, unlike when she’d lost Lorne.
Once inside, she made sure the townhouse was locked up then went to her bedroom. As she got ready for bed, worry and anxiety about the next day worked their way into her emotions alongside the pain and sadness. Lying beneath her covers in the dark, Shayna prayed for the strength and courage to do what she needed to.
The next afternoon, Shayna stood at the sliding doors and watched, pressing her fingers against her trembling lips, as Tristan helped Timothy into his car. She waited to see if he’d look up, but he never did, and it was like a knife to her chest. Blinking to try to clear the tears that sprang to her eyes, she watched Tristan’s car drive away.
She laid her hand flat on the glass of the sliding door, and then, once the car turned out of sight, she rested her forehead on the door and let the tears flow. Oh, how she wished she could be with them.
When she felt an arm go around her shoulders, Shayna tensed at first but then allowed Eva to offer her comfort. She had tried so hard to hide the pain she was in since she had no one to blame but herself. Instead of it getting easier with time, Shayna found it harder and harder to watch Tristan come so close and yet be just out of reach. Out of reach and not interested in even seeing her.
The worry over what the day ahead held had lowered her defenses, making it far to easy to let the sobs come as Eva held her. She heard the murmur of Eva’s voice, but with blood pounding in her ears from her crying, Shayna didn’t understand what she was saying at first, but slowly the words became clearer.
“Comfort your daughter, Father. Bathe her in love and peace and joy.” Eva swayed gently as she spoke. “Bring healing to her heart. Let her know that she is not alone. That even when those of us who love and care for her can’t be at her side, You are always there with her. Always.”
Eva kept repeating the words until Shayna was able to take a deep shuddering breath and let it out. It helped her straighten and take a small step away from Eva so she could look up at her.
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to be strong always, you know,” Eva said, a gentle smile on her face. “If you ever need to talk, I’m willing to listen. No judgment from me.”
“There’s not really much to say at this point. It is what it is. I couldn’t give Tristan what he needed—what he deserved—and he was right to end things.”
“Still, if you ever need to talk—it doesn’t even have to be about Tristan—come find me.”
For all that she’d worried about having a stranger in her home, Shayna had quickly come to realize that Eva was the perfect roommate, and they’d become friends.
“I’m going to be out for most the afternoon and evening,” she told her. “But I might take you up on that in the next couple of days, depending on how things unfold today.”
“I’ll be praying that all goes well, whatever it is.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that,” Shayna said, and she really meant it. At one time, she might have said it out of habit, but that was something else that had changed in the past two months. Instead of pushing back from God like she’d done after losing Lorne, she had turned to Him, pleading for comfort and strength.
Knowing she didn’t have long to get ready for her first meeting, Shayna went to her room to try to repair the mess her tears had made of her face. Within half an hour, she was out the door, tightly gripping the steering wheel of her car as she made her way over to Main Street and the bakery where she was set to meet Erin and Noella.
She hadn’t been sure how to contact them, initially, but then she’d pulled out the paperwork for the car and called Finn to ask for their numbers. She’d ended up texting Erin to ask if she could meet with her and Noella. It had been a pleasant surprise when she’d agreed without asking a bunch of questions. They’d made arrangements to meet at the bakery Erin and Noella owned at three o’clock that afternoon.
As she drove, Shayna kept rehearsing what she wanted to say, but she had a feeling that when push came to shove, she’d say none of it the way she planned. However, as long as the end result was positive, she wasn’t going to complain.
It took her a few minutes to circle around the block to find a parking spot close to the bakery, and then she sat for another couple of minutes, praying. Finally, Shayna got out of the car into the warm June afternoon and headed toward the bakery.
“Hey there!” A young woman behind the bakery case greeted her with a smile as she stepped inside. “How can I help you?”
Shayna tried to return the smile as she said, “I’m here to meet Erin and Noella.”
“Oh! Are you Shayna?” At her nod, the girl held up her hand. “Just hang on a second. I’ll let them know you’re here.”
As Shayna waited for the girl to come back, she looked around. It wasn’t a big place, but there were several small tables, half of which were currently occupied. The décor looked to be rustic country chic with distressed tables and painted signs with cute sayings on them.
“They’ll be right out.” The woman’s voice had her turning back around. “Can I get you something to eat or drink?”
“Um…do you have tea?”
“Sure do,” she said. “Do you prefer herbal or just regular?”
“Regular is fine.”
The woman—Gail, according to her nametag—quickly poured hot water into a small silver teapot. She put it on a saucer on a tray and then added a teacup with a tea bag along with a tiny pitcher of cream and some sugar.
“Would you like something to eat? Maybe a cookie or a muffin?”
“No, thank you.” Shayna wasn’t sure her stomach could handle any food. “How much do I owe you?”
The woman waved her hand, dismissively. “Nothing. Erin said to give you whatever you wanted. I’ll carry it to a table for you.”
Shayna followed the woman as she walked to a table in the back corner of the restaurant. She transferred all the items on the tray to the table as Shayna sat down.
“Enjoy!” she said with a wide smile. “They’ll be out in a minute.”
Glad to have something to do while she waited, Shayna prepared her tea, dunking the tea bag in the small pot.
“Hey, Shayna.”
She heard the words just as an arm came around her shoulder. A little surprised by the greeting, Shayna glanced up at Erin just as Noella slid into a chair across the table from her. Erin squeezed her shoulder then moved to sit beside Noella.