Tristan settled down in his favorite chair with his laptop. He hoped that Jackson had gotten back to him about the proposal he’d sent him. After much prayer—and aided by a super busy spring with the groundbreaking on the Tiny Village—he’d finally decided he wanted out of the gaming business.
He’d started designing games because, much like designing homes, it satisfied a need within him. It gave him a creative outlet that not many things did. Plus, he was a gamer at heart, so it had felt like a natural combination of two things that he loved. Unfortunately, with the way the game business had taken off, he no longer had a hand in designing the way he had at the beginning. Now, it was all about bug reports and spreadsheet projections.
No, it was time to hand over the reigns completely to Jackson. His partner hadn’t been happy when he’d first broached the subject with him, and ever since he’d sent him the proposal for his exit from the company, it had been radio silence from Jackson. Tristan would give him a couple more days then he was going to force a conversation even if it meant flying down to see Jackson at his office.
After finding that there was no email from Jackson, Tristan leaned his head back and let out a long breath. The past couple of months had just about worn him out emotionally. At least his family had stopped asking him how he was doing with looks of concern on their faces. Never one to share his emotions to begin with, he hadn’t wanted to do it with the break-up either.
The only person who’d been witness to one of his rare moments of weakness was Ryan, and Tristan hadn’t minded that. The most sensitive of his older brothers, Ryan hadn’t pressed him to share what had prompted the tears. He’d just assured him that he was praying for him.
When the text alert on his phone sounded, Tristan wearily lifted his head and reached for his phone where it sat on the end table beside him. He frowned when he saw it was from Shayna. She didn’t usually text him, so he hoped nothing was wrong with Timothy. They’d had a good time the night before, and he’d been fine when he’d left the gym to find Shayna after Sunday School.
Shayna: Thank you for letting Timothy spend the night with you last night. He had a lot of fun.
Tristan stared at the message for a bit before responding. You’re welcome.
He’d thought that might be it, so he was surprised to see three little dots pop up. They disappeared then reappeared several times until Tristan finally just put the phone back on the end table. If she had something more to say, him staring at the phone wasn’t going to make the message come through any faster.
To that end, he set aside his laptop and got to his feet. He was in the kitchen getting a drink when he heard the alert indicating that perhaps she’d finally sent whatever message it was that she’d been trying to type out.
If it was a text from Shayna, for how long it had taken, it should have been a couple of paragraphs in length. Which was why, when he picked up his phone, Tristan was surprised to see a single sentence from her.
Shayna: Can I talk to you when you have some time?
Tristan sank back down on his chair, trying to catch his breath. Just that one sentence had his heart pounding and the air whooshing from his lungs. No. He refused to harbor any hope where Shayna was concerned. He’d done what he could to make sure that his heart knew there was no hope in that direction.
He kept his text conversations—the only way they communicated—with her strictly focused on Timothy. He didn’t seek her out at church. He made sure not to look up to see if she was watching when he picked Timothy up. He refused to read anything into her actions that would only lead to more pain and heartache.
He wrote and rewrote several responses in his head before finally tapping out the only response that would protect his heart.
Sure. I have time now. What’s up?
For a minute, Tristan thought maybe she’d call him, but he hoped she wouldn’t because he didn’t want to hear her voice. Or rather, he did want to hear her voice, which was precisely why he couldn’t let that happen.
Again, it seemed to take forever for her response to come, but at least this time it was more than a single sentence when it did pop up on his screen.
Shayna: I want to apologize for hurting you by not being more certain of my feelings before agreeing to date. I thought I was in a place that clearly I wasn’t. I can see that now. I just want you to know how sorry I am for what happened. Please know it was never my intention to hurt you.
Tristan stared at the message, reading it over a couple of times. How exactly was he supposed to respond to that? It wasn’t that he didn’t forgive her, it just felt weird to put it that way. He didn’t believe that she’d intentionally hurt him. Maybe things would have turned out differently if he’d just waited it out. Maybe she would have gotten to a place where she could say she loved him and mean it.
But then again, maybe not.
And that was why he’d ended things. How long did someone wait around for something like that? Only to discover in the end that there was never a chance of his feelings being returned. It would only have gotten more complicated, with more expectations, if he’d let it go on longer. After all, his parents had always stressed that they shouldn’t date just for the sake of dating. That if they were dating someone they couldn’t see themselves marrying, then they needed to end that relationship.
He had been able to imagine himself married to Shayna, and that was a big part of the reason why he’d known he had to break off the relationship. While her heart might not have been involved the way his was, Tristan knew Timothy had started to anticipate things moving in a more serious direction.
Timothy had even asked him, at one point, if Tristan thought his dad would be upset if someday he called another man dad. The question had caught Tristan off-guard, and he’d kind of fumbled around for an answer. In the end, he’d told Timothy that he needed to talk to his mom about that.
Then there had been the comments from his parents and siblings as they got to know Shayna and Timothy better, clearly anticipating a permanent relationship between him and Shayna. They had been more than happy to welcome the two of them into the family.
It seemed like everyone had been on board for a long-term relationship. Everyone except Shayna. The pictures, the ring, and Shayna’s inability to return his love had turned things in the opposite direction for Tristan, bringing to the surface the uncertainly he’d had but had refused to acknowledge. It was just too bad that even all these weeks later, his feelings for her were as strong as ever.
Tristan tapped the phone against his palm as he contemplated his response. The thing was, he understood now more than before, how a person could linger in someone’s heart even after things were over. He was experiencing that himself right then. So he could only imagine how much more confusing and difficult it would be if someone was taken so tragically after several years together.
It’s okay, Shayna. I understand, and I’m sorry for not pursuing a conversation about you and Lorne before I even asked you out. I think that might have saved us both a lot of hurt and confusion.
After sending the message, Tristan got to his feet and walked to the window that looked out over the park. The sun was gone, leaving behind a gray pall, and he’d missed the sunset. He did most days since moving into the apartment in the city. It was one of a handful of things he missed now that he didn’t live at the family home anymore.
Turning his back on the darkness outside, he walked to the kitchen and grabbed a drink from the fridge. With his phone in one hand and the soda can in the other, he returned to his chair. But after only a minute sitting down, he got back up again. Abandoning both the chair and the soda, he went back to the window.
Tristan didn’t know if he should expect an answer or not, but his restlessness wanted one. This was their first communication since the break-up that wasn’t related to Timothy. He tried to keep from thi about how much he missed Shayna, but exchanging even just a couple of emotional messages with her had brought it all to the forefront, and he had nothing to distract himself with right then.
After ten minutes with no response, Tristan went into the second bedroom in his apartment. It was a room that held both his desktop computer setup and his treadmill. Right then, he decided to go for the treadmill. He found a podcast he hadn’t listened to before and started it before setting his phone in the cupholder.
He’d been running on it for about twenty minutes when a text alert overrode the podcast. Tristan slowed the treadmill, then reached out to grab the phone.
Pushing a hand through his damp hair, he stared at the message.
Shayna: Could we have that conversation now?
Tristan moved to sit in the chair at the desk, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his thighs, the phone between his hands. What exactly did that mean? Why would she want to talk to him about Lorne now? Things were over between them, so what difference would it make?
Why? That was the only thing he could think of to say.
Anticipating another long wait for a response, Tristan left the room and headed to the bathroom to take a shower. He’d just stepped under the spray when he heard his phone go again. Rather than get back out, he quickly washed up then dried himself off before picking up the phone.
Shayna: I miss you, and I have something I want to tell you. Unless you’d rather not talk to me. I’ll understand.
Tristan pressed his fingertips to his forehead. He’d hoped that someday they’d be able to be friends again, but it was still too soon for him. He needed to be strong enough that should the right man come along for Shayna, the one who could equal Lorne in her eyes and in her heart, he wouldn’t find himself heartbroken all over again.
But still…he was curious. He heard his mom’s voice in his head. Curiosity killed the cat. Although in his case, it was probably more curiosity broke the cat’s heart again.
Okay. When?
Shayna: Eva said she’d watch Timothy tomorrow evening for me. Would that work?
After a moment’s hesitation, he texted her that it would. After a couple more texts to determine where they were going to meet, Shayna thanked him for agreeing to talk to her and said goodnight.
Tristan hoped he wasn’t making a mistake, but maybe he needed to have this conversation to truly get over her. Maybe that was why his heart still hurt as much as it had the day of the break-up.
The next night, after changing his clothes a couple of times, Tristan finally left the apartment dressed in a pair of jeans and a short sleeve, white button-up shirt. He’d had to lecture himself not to worry about how he looked when it wouldn’t make any difference to Shayna.
He arrived early at the family-style restaurant where they’d agreed to meet, and although he thought about lingering in his car, he didn’t. It crossed his mind as he walked to the entrance of the restaurant that Timothy would have loved to eat there since they served pancakes.
The only bright part of the whole break-up had been the hours he’d been able to spend with Timothy. They weren’t spending as much time together as they had before the break-up, but it was better than nothing.
Once inside, Tristan asked the hostess for a booth in the back, away from the busier part of the restaurant. She nodded and led the way to where he’d requested. Before she left, Tristan gave her his name and told her that Shayna would be joining him.
After that, he sat down and tried to quell his nerves by playing a couple of games on his phone. His thoughts were scattered, his emotions wavering from hurt to hope and back again. He didn’t want his emotions to be in control of this meeting. He needed to put aside his hurt and listen to what she had to say.
“Hi.”
Shayna was already sliding into the booth across from him, so instead of getting to his feet, Tristan stayed where he was. That was probably for the better anyway. How was he supposed to greet her? The kiss he might once have given her was inappropriate now.
“Hey.” His heart pounded at her nearness. It was the closest they’d been in two months, and the memory of everything about her—the way her lips felt against his, the way she felt in his arms, the sound of her laugh, her scent of her perfume—all of it hit him hard.
She set her purse down beside her on the seat then clasped her hands in front of her on the table. “Did you order already?”
“No. Not yet.” He’d been uncertain about ordering something to eat since then if he had to leave quickly, it would be awkward. “I just got a cup of coffee.”
As if on cue, the waitress appeared with a cup and carafe. After pouring his coffee, she turned to ask Shayna for her drink order. He wasn’t surprised when she asked for tea.
“Do you know what you’d like? Or do you need a few more minutes with the menu?”
Tristan glanced at Shayna then said, “A few more minutes, please.”
After she left them, Shayna opened the menu. “I think I’m going to order some pancakes to take home. I’ll surprise Timothy with them in the morning.”
Instead of looking at the menu, Tristan found himself watching Shayna. Her hair was pulled back, and though she was wearing makeup, he could see the hint of dark circles underneath her eyes. She also looked like she’d lost weight, which was a bit alarming since she hadn’t had any to spare.
She bent her head over the menu, using her finger to skim over it. As he watched, it registered that she wasn’t wearing her ring. Thinking she’d transferred it back to her left hand, Tristan glanced to where that hand rested on the table.
His heart skipped a beat when he noticed that that hand was bare too. What did that mean?
He lifted his gaze back to Shayna’s face and found that she was watching him. She clasped her hands together. Before Tristan could say anything, the waitress returned to take their order.
Tristan decided to order some French fries, while Shayna ordered some mozzarella sticks as well as the pancakes for Timothy.
“Thanks for meeting me,” Shayna said, her gaze dropping briefly to the table. “I would have understood if you hadn’t wanted to.”
“I almost didn’t. It’s…it’s still hard to be around you.” Tristan didn’t look at her as he confessed that, but he found he couldn’t keep from looking back at her.
Shayna nodded as if she felt the same way. “I just wanted to be able to share some things that have happened since…well, since that day.”
“Is something wrong? Timothy didn’t mention anything.”
“No. In fact, it’s something good.”
Tristan swallowed hard, hoping it didn’t have anything to do with her being ready to move on—just not with him. “What is it?”
“I’ve had conversations with several people lately in an effort to try and fix things.”
“Fix things?” Tristan asked.
Shayna rubbed her fingers on the edge of her mug. “After what happened with…us, I came to realize that I had a problem with relationships. I tended not to talk things out. Instead, I just moved on because I didn’t always want to admit that I might have been wrong or to hear that someone might have something negative to say about me.”
“Lisa?” Tristan asked.
“Yes. Lisa, but also Erin and Noella. My dad too, but I haven’t been able to get in contact with him yet.”
“So you’ve talked with Lisa?”
Shayna nodded. “I spent a lot of time praying about what to do, and through sermons I heard and Scripture I read, I realized I needed to make things right. Or at least try. On Saturday, I met with Erin and Noella. I wanted to see if we could clear up the animosity from our past.”
“And you were able to do that?”
“Yes, and I was able to talk to Lisa as well, and we were able to patch things up.”
“That’s good. I’m glad to hear you were able to do that. I know Timothy has missed Lisa.”
“We both have, and while she’s still not going to be living nearby, I hope we’ll be able to spend time with her again.”
The smile on Shayna’s face reflected the joy in her words, and Tristan was happy for her. But her joy made her even more attractive to Tristan, which was the last thing he needed at that moment.
“So you’re hoping to meet with your dad?”
Shayna nodded. “Or at least talk with him.”
“I’m sure Timothy would love to meet his grandfather.”
“I haven’t mentioned anything to him about that yet though, just in case my dad isn’t interested in what I have to say.”
“I’ll pray that he’ll be willing to listen to you.”
“Thank you.” She hesitated as the waitress returned with their food. Once they were alone again, she said, “In addition to my dad, there is one other person I need to talk to.”
“Yeah? Who’s that?” Tristan asked because he refused to assume anything that would allow hope to grow within his heart.
“You. I wondered if maybe you’d be willing to have that conversation about Lorne now.”
“Now?” It wasn’t really relevant any longer, but he was curious. It wasn’t like anything she said could hurt him more than he already hurt.
“If that’s okay?”
Tristan hesitated then nodded. He braced himself to hear the story of how the woman he loved had loved another man.
“I met Lorne for the first time when I was fourteen,” she said, a small smile on her face. “He found me hiding in an abandoned building down near the river. At first, he scared me because, even though he wasn’t that much older than me, he was a big guy. He decided that night that he was my protector, and that’s what he became.”
Tristan tried to ignore the queasiness in his stomach as he listened to Shayna talk about the man she loved. The one he had no doubt that, even if she had loved Tristan, she’d have gone back to in a heartbeat if given the chance. Still, he’d said she could tell him, so now he had to listen, hard as that was.
He ate a few fries but mainly focused on his coffee, welcoming a refill when the waitress appeared briefly at the table with the carafe. After several minutes of talking, Shayna hesitated.
“I wouldn’t have been able to talk to you about Lorne like this when we were together. If I let myself think too much about him during that time, it kind of felt like I was cheating on him by being with you. Caring for you.” Shayna’s brows drew together, and she lifted her tea to take a sip.
“I guess now that we’re not together, it makes it easier, eh?” Easier for her maybe, not for him.
“No, it’s not like that. It’s only been in the past couple of weeks that I’ve felt this way.”
Tristan shifted in his seat, leaning forward slightly. “Why is that?”
“I needed the time after our breakup to gain some clarity.” She gave him a small smile. “So I suppose I’m grateful for that, even though it’s been a really difficult time.”
Tristan hadn’t thought it would be as difficult for Shayna given that she hadn’t been as emotionally invested in the relationship as he’d been. As he sat there watching Shayna, Tristan wanted to slide into the other side of the booth and wrap his arms around her. He wanted to feel her weight as she leaned against him.
It had always made him feel stronger than he knew he was, like she trusted him to support her. That wasn’t his place any longer.
“I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to share this with me,” Tristan told her when she stopped talking after getting through the part about Lorne’s death.
“Well, you said that maybe things would have turned out differently if we’d had a chance to talk about my relationship with Lorne beforehand.”
“Yes. I think I might have realized you weren’t ready to be in another relationship. We could have just stayed as friends.”
“And now?”
Tristan stared at Shayna for a moment, wondering what she was trying to say. Or how she wanted him to respond. He was stubbornly pushing aside any hope that she might be hinting that she wanted to be together with him again.
He slid his plate of fries to the side. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Shay. I’m happy that you’ve managed to make things right with your friends and that you’re at the point you can talk about Lorne, but I’m not sure what you want me to say.”
“Actually, you don’t need to say anything,” Shayna told him. She caught her lower lip between her teeth then lifted her mug. Her brow furrowed as she took a sip of tea, her gaze lowered. “It’s more what I need to say to you. What I couldn’t say to you before.”
Tristan’s heart stopped for a moment then started up at an alarming rate. His throat tightened as his heart absorbed what her words meant.
“I know it might not make any difference now,” Shayna said as she looked up, her eyes awash with tears. “But I wanted you to know that I love you, Tristan. I loved you then, even though I couldn’t say the words like you needed me to.”
“You love me?” Tristan pinched the skin of his wrist, not at all certain he was really awake. This part of their conversation seemed to resemble dreams he’d had in the last couple of months.
“I do. I’m just sorry I wasn’t able to tell you that when it mattered.” She gave him a tremulous smile. “It was never about you. The reason I couldn’t say the words had nothing to do with you. You deserved to hear the words on Valentine’s Day, and I wish we could do that evening over so I could tell you that.”
Shayna’s revelation had left Tristan speechless. He’d given up hope of ever reaching her heart. After seeing the pictures on her nightstand, he’d figured a relationship with her was a lost cause. And now she was telling him she loved him? It was unreal.
“It still matters.” As her other words sank in, he realized it was important she know that. If what she said was true, then it most definitely did matter. “If you really mean it, it still matters.”
“I do mean it,” Shayna said, lifting her hands to wipe away the tears that slid down her cheeks.
Tristan scooted out of his side of the booth and moved to sit beside Shayna. He slid his arm around her shoulders and tilted her chin up so he could look in her eyes. “I still love you, Shayna, and if the past two months of separation are any indication, I feel like I always will.”
“It hurt so bad when things fell apart between us,” she said, her lips quivering. “But that was what helped clarify things for me. The only reason I think it didn’t hurt as bad as when I lost Lorne was because you were still here. I was grieving the loss of our relationship, but at least you were still alive. And I was so grateful for that.”
“You know this will be it for me, right?” Tristan said. “If we get back together, it’s because you see the same future as I do for us. I want us to be a family. You, me, and Timothy. It’s what I wanted when we started dating, and it’s what I still want now.”
“I want that too.” She pressed her face into his neck, and her voice lowered. “It’s scary for me, though, because I can’t imagine what I’d do if I lost you. These two months were hard enough without you. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I can’t promise you won’t lose me any more than you can promise me I won’t lose you, but I want to have a life with you in the meantime.” Tristan ran his fingertips over her cheek. “Do you regret the years you had with Lorne, knowing how it ended?” She shook her head. “Then let’s take advantage of whatever time we have, whether it’s a few years or decades. I love you and want to be with you for whatever amount of time God gives us. Please tell me you want that too.”
Shayna reached up and cupped her hand around the back of his neck. She lifted her head and smiled at him. “I want that too. So very much.” She pressed her lips to his in a gentle kiss then whispered, “I love you, Tristan Callaghan.”