Stella

With my feet kicked up on the arm of the couch and my legs tangled with Rivers, I’d fallen asleep in his arms on the loveseat. It felt too good to leave where we fell—fell into each other and fell in love. Again.

He loves me.

He told me.

He told me first, offering his heart to me again.

I felt it, though I denied it to myself worried that this was some elaborate ruse I wasn’t in on. But he said it, spoken from the heart as if he couldn’t contain it any longer. My sweet man.

Rivers is a big guy with an even bigger heart. I run the tip of my finger over the star on his chest, light enough not to wake him. I hope. Thinking about the stuff that went down with Naomi and what followed.

We haven’t gone into details about that night or any that followed, but where I was once confident I was right and he was a liar, I now feel in my gut, or maybe it’s felt in my soul that he was always telling me the truth. I was just too upset to see through the blurry red of my anger. I was young, so young. Twenty feels like more than five years ago. It feels like a lifetime of innocence swept away in the blink of an eye.

Rivers’s hand covers mine, and he brings it to his mouth, kissing the tips of my fingers one by one. Although I smile, he doesn’t see because his eyes are still closed. Placing my palm over his heart, he holds it there, and peeks one eye and then the other open at me, greeting me with a smile. “How long were we asleep?”

“Almost two hours.”

“Hungry?”

“Starving.”

A knock on the door startles me. I look up to see Brian through the blinds standing on the porch. Shoot. Scrambling to my feet, I say, “Go to the bedroom.”

“What?” he asks, sitting up but not hustling to hide. “Why?”

“Because I need you to. I don’t want to introduce you while you’re naked.”

Rivers finally stands. “You’re naked. I’m not letting you answer the door dressed in nothing, that’s for damn sure.”

“Stella?” Brian calls. “Do you know whose car that is in the driveway?”

When he looks toward the door, I shoo him into the bedroom. “Please. And get dressed.”

Picking up his jeans and shirt, I throw them, accidentally hitting him in the face. “Jeez, thanks.”

Brian calls louder, “Stella? Are you in there?”

I pull on my top and yank up my shorts. “Coming.”

Rivers is pissed. Standing just inside the bedroom, he says, “It better be a good fucking reason for bothering you.”

“He was my friend.”

“Was?” he asks, zipping up his jeans and stepping out into the living room.

I hurry for the door so Brian doesn’t knock again. Checking Rivers one last time, I whisper, “Stay in the bedroom and let me handle this.”

He crosses his arms and then turns to go back inside. “Make it fast.”

I open the door just enough to peek out. “Hey. What’s up?”

Brian points at the car. “Is someone here?”

“Yes, I have company.”

“Who?” he asks, trying to look behind me.

Now I’m as annoyed as Rivers. “A friend. Do you need anything else?”

His eyes return to mine. “Yes. I was hoping we could talk about today. I wanted to apologize. I’ve been under a lot of stress.”

“No need. Enough was said. I gave my notice, and I think it’s best if I just give you a final date now. I’m thinking three weeks to finish out the month.”

“I don’t want you to go. You can stay for as long as you nee—”

“I think it’s best. Thank you again for all you have done. I’ll be out of your place by the end of the month.”

When I start to shut the door, his hand goes flat against the metal. “Can we at least talk about it?”

“No.”

“That’s not fair.”

What is he? Twelve and not getting his way? “What’s not fair?”

“You can’t just leave—”

“Brian is it?” Rivers. Shit. He stands behind me.

Brian looks at him as if he recognizes him but can’t place his face. Crossing his arms over his chest, he replies. “Yes, Brian Teller. And you are?”

“Her boyfriend.”

And the gauntlet is thrown down. Men. And boyfriend? I smile, though it’s probably the wrong time to do so.

“Boyfriend?” Brian looks at me, and asks, “I thought you said you had a friend in town?”

“Yes—”

“Yes, a boyfriend,” Rivers says. “Now, if you don’t mind, you caught us at a bad time. We’re just leaving.”

“Oh?” he asks, keeping his eyes on me. “Well, guess that notice came at a good time.”

“Yes, I guess it did.” I start to close the door, but add, “Thanks for stopping by.”

I close the door and lock it. When I turn around, Rivers sits down and starts to put on his shoes. “He’s a fucking creeper.”

“Well, that did not go as planned.”

“You had a plan?”

“No, but it didn’t adhere to any either.”

“I don’t like the way he looked at you. Let’s cruise out of here and go to mine.”

Slipping on my flip-flops, I go into the bedroom to pack a bag. “I have a feeling you won’t like the way any guy looks at me.”

“This is true.”

I come out with my bag that he promptly takes from me, and asks, “You ready?”

Grabbing my keys, I hold them up. “Ready.”

We walk out and find Brian in work-out clothes doing stretches like he does before a jog. Rivers has to push those buttons, and say, “We’ll see you around, Bri.”

He doesn’t say anything but watches me as I get into my car. Rivers reverses, and I back out right after. I plan on spending the night again, but this time, I’ll have my car so I can get to work on time tomorrow. I’m still feeling a little shaky from Brian’s . . . hostility. Cruelty. Every interaction today with him has just been so weird. If only I could move out earlier . . .

* * *

“So you don’t go out much?” I ask, sitting next to Rivers while watching a travel show.

“Not as much as I used to. Fame sounds fun until you’re in the middle of it.”

“But you said yes to my event.”

The back of his hand taps my leg, drawing my attention. “I’ll go for you.”

“It’s tomorrow night, but if you really don’t want to, I’ll understand.”

His hand slides up my leg and covers my entire knee and more. I love it. “I want to support you. I’ll be there.”

“Because you love me,” I tease.

“Exactly,” he replies, not teasing at all. “Did you get enough to eat?”

I eye the paper plate on the coffee table. Only crumbs are left of the pizza. “Too much. I’m stuffed.”

“I like all these toos with you.” Resting his arm across the back of the couch, he turns sideways to face me. “Meadow came over this morning.”

“She got her car all right?”

“Yeah, but she stayed a few minutes, and we talked.”

That gets my full attention. Adjusting my back against the armrest, I stretch my legs out. “About?”

He starts rubbing my feet, and it feels so good I won’t argue. “You mostly.”

“Me?”

“I didn’t tell her anything, but should you?”

“No.”

“She knows something happened, that something affected you deeply enough to change parts of you.”

Lying back, I stare at the ceiling. “She knows I was dealing with my father’s problems.”

When he stops rubbing, my gaze makes its way back to him. “She knows I know.”

“How?” I sit up and swing my legs down. Standing up, I walk to the front window and look out.

“Well, despite you thinking I’m the best liar in the world, I’m really not. She could read my face.”

I turn around and swirl my finger in front of my face. “Well, don’t let your face tell her anything. She can never know. I don’t want her to feel guilty or worry. I’ll be fine.”

“Will be?”

I roll my eyes. “You’re picking apart my words. Let’s just drop it.”

“Have you talked to a therapist before?”

“Stop it!” I hate myself for raising my voice the second the words rage from my throat. Trying to even my tone, I struggle not to grit my teeth. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it.” My anger pushes tears into my eyes. “I don’t want to relive it right now, not with you. I do it every other night. Please let me have a reprieve.”

He pushes off the couch and comes to me. Holding me so gently by the face. “I want to give you that. I want to be that place of comfort for you.”

“But?”

His hands go back to his sides, and he looks away. “There are no buts.” Walking into the kitchen, he stops on the other side of the bar, and says, “You don’t see it, but I do. I’ve been there, Stella. You’ll be your downfall, but it won’t be just yourself you take with you. It will be everything you care about—Meadow. Me. Your career.”

Crossing my arms defensively over my chest, I ask, “What do you want from me?”

“It’s not about what I want. You’re here. I have everything I need. It’s about what will heal you. Have you talked to your dad?”

“It’s getting late. I have to get up early.”

“It’s eight fifteen.”

“This is messing with my routine.”

“I thought I was worth breaking your routine.”

“Stop turning this around on me, Rivers, or I’m going home.”

His stare is steady as he measures me. The extended pause is purposely long. I’m tempted to fill the empty space, the silence, but I hold my tongue, forcing him to make the next move. He takes a dishtowel and starts mindlessly wiping the bar while still watching me. His hand stops, and he leans forward on his palms. “If you’d prefer to go home, then you should do what feels right.”

“Why are you doing this? We were having a good time.”

“Was that all, Stella? A good time?”

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you to stay and break your routine. For me. I want you to answer questions that, as someone who loves you, I have a right to know. I want you to let me in all the way so we can move forward together or we’re no better off than we were a few days ago.”

“That’s a lot to ask of me.”

“And less than I want.” He comes around the bar and rubs my upper arms. “I don’t want fragments of you. I want all of you, but I want you whole.” Tilting his head to the side, he comes even closer. “When I said I love you, I meant it. Not just because of the sex, but because you are a part of me. I’ve said it before. You’re in my blood, baby. I’ll take you however I can get you, but you’ll never be happy until you release some of the pain you’re holding so tightly. I’m yours, Stella, so please allow me to carry your heart as well.”

I don’t turn and leave. I don’t run away, though my flight instinct is kicking in more than my fight. I stand there feeling exposed in ways that make me uncomfortable. But when I look into his eyes, I know he’s right, so I don’t hide. I don’t put up walls. I show him all of me, all of the ugly parts. Moving into his arms, I let him embrace all the broken pieces of me.