Stella

I used to think that love was easy. My love bloomed for Rivers Crow the day he talked to me in tenth grade. He was easy to like with his charisma and good looks. He was easy to love with his soft heart and kind words. My first taste of true love was loving him. There’s definitely something to be said about first love. Sometimes it turns into your forever love and always stays with you.

So despite the terrible role models my parents were on the matter, love came easy for me and stayed for the long haul. We had our bump in the road, though it felt like a cliff at the time, but we’re back together and better than ever.

I could say so much about how my life changed this past year, but I don’t want to rehash the bad or relive the nightmare. Three months ago, the love of my life decided to take a chance and come back for me.

I’m so glad he did because the one thing I’ve learned when it comes to love is it may not have always been easy, but he’s easy to love.

Rivers’s hand tightens around mine. I know he’s anxious. I am too. After putting the bad we’ve both been through behind us we still have a few demons to duel. The problem is that they’re all inside his head. I’m not sure how to help battle them other than being here for him.

The car comes to a stop, but he doesn’t get out. He doesn’t even make a move, not to open the door or look out the window. His gaze stays directed on the bottom of the seat in front of him. “Rivers?” He turns, almost surprised to hear his name, but remains silent. “You’re not to blame.”

“She died because she felt guilty about not having a cake for me.”

“No. That’s not true. She wanted you to have the cake. She wanted to give you everything every kid deserves on their birthday. She loved you. You’re the boy she used to wake up early just to spend quiet time alone with.”

His eyes stay on me, captive to the story. “What?”

“She once told me that on your seventh birthday you woke up early, too early. She knew you would because you always tried to get a peek of your presents, so this time, she woke up early and was waiting for you.” I smile as if the memory is one of my own happier times. “She said you were so cute because you thought you were a ninja. When she spotted you, though, you came outside. She held you in her arms as the sun rose. Rivers, she told me she loved that memory so much because for a few moments in time, she had you all to herself and you had her.”

This man carries so much guilt that it fills his eyes, hiding the truth from him. “Why did she have to die?”

“I don’t have the answer.”

“It was a fucking cake. I could have gone without.”

“You went without so much already.” Running my fingers through his hair, I stop and hold the back of his head. “It wasn’t about the cake, Rivers. It was about her wanting you to feel special, to celebrate your day.”

“If I hadn’t let my mother leave, convinced her that a cake wasn’t necessary. . . but she insisted. It didn’t matter that I was seventeen and practically a grown man. She babied me, insisting that we needed balloons and a cake. It didn’t matter that she had just worked a ten-hour shift at one of her shitty jobs. She saw me when she walked in, and I remember the sadness on her face. I remember every moment of that last goodbye and how I begged her to stay.”

Will sharing these memories set him free from the pain of them? I’ll do anything to help him. “What did she say?”

“She told me to order the pizzas and that she’d be back before they arrived.” He tips his head down. “She said to humor her and let her get the cake. I let her walk out that door, and she never returned.” His shoulders sag even more as he folds over losing himself in the memory. “She promised she’d return, Stella.”

I slide over until I’m practically on top of him, wrapping my arms around his body. “She kept her promise.” I rub the spot over his heart. “She is always with you, and she’d be so proud of the man you’ve become.”

The door opens, and Jet stands, angling his head down. “Rivers?”

I kiss the side of his neck and then by his ear, along his cheek until he turns to me and lets me kiss his lips. I cradle his face in the palms of my hands, and say, “She’s always been there for you. It’s your turn to be there for her.”

Rivers nods and steps out of the car, waiting with his hand held back for me. His brother claps his back before walking ahead to catch up with Hannah, Alfie, and his baby, Violet.

We’ve come this sunshine filled January day to celebrate her birth, the legacy of her life here to recognize the way she touched all our lives. I’ve been here before. Actually, many times. I bring flowers every couple of months and lay them on the grass in front of the headstone. I wasn’t officially her daughter, but she was a mother in all senses to me.

As we gather around her grave, I read the stone silently to myself:

“She lived.” The words slip out, and that sense of adventure to live life to the fullest fills my soul again. Looking up into the warmth of his eyes, and say, “It’s time to grieve and let go of this pain you carry with you every day. It’s time to live, Rivers. Just like she did. She lived for every day she got to be with you.”

Rivers takes my hand again and says, “And loved. She loved so big like you.”

We didn’t visit back in November on the day she died. Instead, we celebrated Rivers’s birth with a party, family, friends, balloons, and cake because he deserves the sweet life his mother always wanted for him.

And Meadow and I finally got to meet Holli, Johnny’s wife, because she hosted the party at their LA home. She’s quite extraordinary and made me feel right at home. Sipping on margaritas, Rivers nudged me and asked, “What do you think about moving to LA?”

While spending time in the California sunshine, I realized it wasn’t teaching I hated. It was knowing I wasn’t helping anyone that changed my view. It was being attacked and believing I made that choice. It was catering to spoiled brats and being taken advantage of that ruined everything. I’ve walked away, taking a break to figure out what I really want to do. If that’s teaching, I can teach anywhere.

Finding happiness again gave me a new perspective. Finding love with Rivers again gave me the life I always dreamed about. I wasn’t me without him, and he’s not him without me. He was right when he talked about my blood flowing through his veins and his through mine. We’re just no good apart. The fairy-tale version would say we’re meant to be.

I see it a little differently.

We are meant to be. There’s no denying that, but what we created together is our own destiny. I turned to him, and said, “I wouldn’t have it any other way. If you’re in LA, I want to be there too.”

“Too,” he repeated with a chuckle.

“Too much?” I teased, setting down my cocktail.

Taking me by the hips, he faces me. “Never too much.”

There are kisses, and then there are kisses that Rivers gives. “God, I missed these lips on me.”

“I can fix that.”

“I thought you had?” I ask, my arms going around his neck.

“Nope. I’m just getting started.”