Rivers

“I’m gonna rip it.”

“No.”

“Let me fucking rip it. Rip it right the fuck—fuck, you taste amazing. I’m going to fucking shred it.”

“No.”

I look up, trapped between annoyed and amused by her. Swiping the back of my hand across my mouth, I ask, “Why not?”

Stella releases her hold on the top of the hood near the windshield wipers and lifts up on her elbows. “Because I’m not made of money. You don’t see me going around ripping clothes off you because I don’t want to take the time to undress you.”

Money. Fucking money. “I’ll buy you a whole new wardrobe if you’ll let me rip this scratchy skirt off you.”

“You said you’re not that rich, so why do you want to blow money for no good reason.”

“Oh trust me, baby.” I wink and pretend to rip this cheap fabric. “This is a damn good reason. Anyway, I didn’t lie. I’m not that rich, but I’m really fucking rich.”

“You didn’t have to tell me that. That’s your personal business, Rivers.”

Running my hands up the inside of her thighs, I let the tips of my fingers trace circles in the wet. I really love how her body entices me. “You are my personal business, now and always. You’re not shaking me, and so we’re clear, I have a lot of money now. That means I can take care of some of your worries, including this fucking skirt.”

“How is that possible?”

Shrugging, I reply, “The ladies and dudes love us. Well, the music.”

Lying back, her hand rolls in the air for me to carry on, but I decide I’m tired of this bullshit wooly skirt against my ears and neck. “Can I rip it?”

She lifts her ass in the air as if I’ll ever use the zipper to take the skirt off her. “No.”

Pushing her middle back down on the hood of the car, I try one more tactic. “Let me put it to you this way. Financially speaking, on a scale of one to Johnny Outlaw, I’m currently a five, moving into a seven within the year.”

Lifting her head, she purses her lips to the side and then lies back again. “Fine. Rip it.”

* * *

I gather the shreds of what’s left of the skirt and toss the pieces in through the open window of the back seat of her car. She fell asleep lying back on the passenger’s seat after we had sex on the hood of the car overlooking the whole city from miles away.

When I get in the car, I don’t rush to start it. I quite like looking at her sleeping. She’s restless most nights, kicking me in the shins a few times and almost kneeing my balls on another. But right after we make love, she finds peace.

So I stare through the windshield for a few minutes, taking in the view of the city where I once belonged. With my brothers in Los Angeles and my career based there, Stella is the only reason I’m here. And come tomorrow, I won’t be.

She stirs, slowly opening her eyes. Her troubles return as her mind wakes up. Resting my head back on my seat, I try to give her what she wants and smile. It’s not good enough to tempt one from her because she knows with each passing hour, we’re closer to the unknown.

I know.

She’s just not fully there yet. I get it. I do. I don’t like it, but I understand. She’s been through the unimaginable and had no one to rely on but herself and her sister when she couldn’t afford to confer with her.

No, she’s not the same girl I once knew.

She’s better.

So fucking strong.

Brave.

And she managed to hang on to care and concern for others.

“Will you let me care for you?”

Turning on her side, her hands are pressed together in prayer and tucked under her head. “I thought you already did care for me?”

“Will you let me take care of you?”

“What does that mean, Rivers?”

I run my palm over her bare thigh and back again. “I was bragging about my money to impress you.” I chuckle under my breath. “I should have known it wouldn’t.”

Her hand covers mine, and we still together on the peak of her hipbone. “Money will never impress me because I’ve seen what it does to people. What it turns them into. But you, my love, my Rivers, will always impress me because your heart will always be pure.” She sits up and adjusts her seat. “You came back for me.”

“You believe me.” It’s hard to see the protective shell she built around her heart when she’s become so soft with me. That’s the girl she used to be. I like the contradiction. I love all sides of her when she’s with me.

Facing forward, her eyes are directed on the night before us. “What becomes of us?”

“It’s good for us to talk about this, but my feelings for you won’t change if that’s what you’re worried about.”

She nods as moonlight reflects in her glassy eyes. When her gaze finds its way back to me, she confesses, “What becomes of me once you leave?”

There is no answer for me to give that will reassure her. I know my heart. I hope what we’ve shared in this week means she knows my heart as well. “I don’t have the answers. I’ll fly you out whenever you can come visit me. Every weekend, if you want. I’ll fly back anytime I have time off. I’ll be here when you need me, but it might not be physically.”

“You’ve given me so much to think about. It’s probably best you’re leaving. I can’t seem to think straight when you’re around. I look at you, and you’re just so hot.” She laughs lightly. “You’re very distracting.” Then a heavy sigh comes out. “I wish I could beg you to stay even though it won’t make a difference. But know that I’ll miss you when you’re gone.”

Leaning over, I kiss her cheek. “I’ll miss you when I’m gone too.”

Her arms wrap around me, and she holds me to her, tucking her head into the crook of my neck. Through tears falling on my shoulder, she says, “Why did you have to make me fall in love with you if you’re just going to leave me again?”

I’m careful not to scratch my scruff against the soft skin of her face when I lift enough to kiss right in front of her ear, and then whisper, “Falling in love was never the problem. Never falling out of love is what hurt.”

“I love you, Rivers Crow. I love you so much. Don’t go falling out of love with me once you’re back in the city of lost angels.”

“I’m only lost when I’m not with you.” I lean back and tilt her chin up. “Listen to me, baby. We may not always be in the same city, but my heart will always be yours. You understand that? Yours. No one else’s. My whole world is wrapped inside you, so you take care of yourself and my soul.”

She rests a hand on my cheek. “And when you return to me?”

“We’re going to talk about our future, so be thinking about it while I’m gone,” I say, then tease, “since you can’t think straight when I’m here.”

“I will.”

I kiss her because I can’t be this close to this woman and not kiss her. “I love you.”

* * *

As much as I don’t want to ruin our last night before I leave town, I owe Stella a lot more than promises for when I return. I owe her the full truth. My unfinished business has dragged us through hell. There’s no way I’m putting this off until I return.

Stella was pissed at first when I told her I wanted to visit Naomi to clear the air, but I won’t go unless Stella is okay with it. She told me she’s ready for our slates to be cleaned so our future has nothing but blue skies ahead.

I step out on the front porch and sit on the swing with my phone in hand. Ever since we got back, she’s been playing Beatles music. “I Want to Hold Your Hand” is heard through the cracked open front door.

I pause because I don’t want to hurt Stella after finally getting her back. But will it hurt her more if I can never tell her the full story? Yes.

I’m not sure if Naomi has the same number she did years ago, but I text anyway. Hey. Long time.

Not wanting it to sound like a booty call if it’s the wrong number, I stop there and stare down at the screen. Nothing.

Then three dots appear and the following message: Rivers?

Me: Yeah. I’m here for a short visit and wanted to see if I can stop by?

Naomi: Yes. When?

Me: It’s late, but tonight?

Naomi: Tonight works. I’m out in Buda now.

Me: Send me the address and I’ll plug it in. How does thirty minutes sound?

Naomi: Let me take care of a few things first. Forty-five?

Me: See you then.

I stand with a sick feeling in my stomach and tuck my phone in my back pocket. I’ve lived under the shadow of this confrontation for five years. Naomi cost me the love of my life. I’m just grateful that I got Stella back. I push open the front door and step back inside.

Stella’s in the kitchen with a full glass of wine on the counter in front of her. I shut the door and close the distance. The song changes, and I hold my hands out. She takes one, and I raise it into the air as her other settles on my shoulder. We begin to slow dance to “In My Life.” The lyrics feel as if they were written for us.

We’ve had our moments, from the good to the bad. All are still so vivid in the present, though, when I look into her eyes. “I’ve loved you longer than I haven’t.”

Her mouth curves up on one side. “You’ve known me less time than when you haven’t, silly.”

“When it comes to us, years don’t matter. Only heartbeats and I don’t remember a time when mine didn’t beat solely for you.”

Coming closer, she rests her head on my chest, and says, “Think of me, okay?”

“Always.”