Stella

One mimosa in and I’m ready for another. So is Brian. “They’re light pourers with the champagne,” he says, looking for the waitress. He’s nervous, which is unsettling. Why is he so nervous? “Would you like another?”

I’d like ten because he’s right. There’s barely any champagne in these drinks, and I need the hair of the dog. Is it inappropriate to order a beer at this hour? Probably. “Yes please.” Our drink order is placed when our breakfast plates are set down.

He asks, “Would you like a bite of my eggs Benedict?”

“No, I’d feel like a traitor to my pancakes.” I snort laugh. It’s a terrible joke, but I’m hungover, and after waiting almost an hour to get in here, my brain is too tired to be clever. “You know, like Benedict Arnold. The traitor from the Revolutionary War. Get it?”

“Ohhh. I get it now.” He still doesn’t laugh, though.

“Goofy teacher’s joke, I guess.” I’m too hungry to care. “These blueberry pancakes smell like heaven. Want a bite?”

“They look too good to pass up.”

I wait for him to cut off a portion, but he seems to be waiting on me. “Take what you want.”

“I was hoping you could maybe feed me a bite.”

“Why?”

Oh. Does he think this is more than friends grabbing a meal together? The last time I fed a male food was Rivers when . . . Oh, no. “Um, Brian, I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“For giving you the wrong impression. I just thought this was something casual, two friends eating out.”

I see the disappointment trickle into his eyes. “It is.” He fixates on his napkin on the table. “Just friends.” When he looks back up, he asks, “But would a date with me be so awful?”

He could provide the security my mom always told me to want.

The predictability my father insisted was a good trait.

My heart beats in protest.

“No. No. Not at all. I’ve just always considered you a colleague and friend. In our positions, we shouldn’t tangle in new territory.”

“There’s nothing in the policy that would stop us.”

There’s also nothing that has drawn me to him. I feel terrible as he stares at me waiting for an answer to a question I haven’t asked. “I’m not in any position to date someone. There have been so many changes in the past few years, emotional things that I’m dealing with. I think it’s just safer right now, better for me, if I focus on fixing me.” Reaching across the table, I cover his hand with mine. It’s not warm like Rivers’s was, and there’s no electricity between us. We’re more physics than chemistry. “I’m sorry, but please know I value our friendship.”

His hand is pulled back as he leans back in the booth. “Yeah. Okay. Friendship. Value. Got it.”

Clearly, he’s upset. Now I feel even worse. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I was just seeing if there was something more between us, but there doesn’t seem to be.”

Not the best for my self-esteem, but I’ll take the lumps now while his pride is injured. We’ll be fine, but if we’re not, I guess I’ll deal with that when it comes. “Right. Nothing. Okay then. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be right back.” I slip out of the booth and go to the bathroom.

I should have never come out this morning. He’s been supportive, but I’m not dumb or blind. What I hoped—us being friends—doesn’t seem to be possible. This was a bad idea. I won’t make the mistake again. I won’t lead him on or cause him more hurt feelings by staying in the guesthouse longer than I need to either. I’ve tried to be a good tenant and not invade his space when it seems more obvious than ever that invading his space is what he’s wanted all along.

Finding a new place to live was already a priority, but now it’s been put on a rush.

I move in front of the sink and wash my hands. Wetting a paper towel, I press it against my face. I’ve made such a mess of things. Looking in the mirror, I stare into my eyes, searching for the life that once lived there but can’t find it.

Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Stuck in some . . . rut? I’m not interested in Brian, and I don’t think it has to completely do with things not being resolved with Rivers. In this case, we just seem so different. I don’t want to live in this mire of singledom. I wonder if it’s possible that the dark clouds of my past are clearing? I didn’t lie to Brian. I am dealing with very emotional and difficult issues at the moment, yet my heart—okay, and body—wanted to cling to Rivers last night and this morning. Somehow, I think being that honest with Brian would be more hurtful than not, and that’s not something he deserves.

* * *

My ex is a member of one of the biggest bands in music. It’s a lot to process and something I never really have. The band of three brothers became four when Ridge joined them. The Crow Brothers were signed by Outlaw Records. The label was started by Johnny Outlaw, the lead singer of one of the biggest bands in the world, The Resistance. After their first full album was released, it shot to the top, like they did.

The fame.

The money.

The records.

None of that mattered when it came to Rivers. I just loved a boy who once loved a girl.

Life has stolen our innocence away.

Their music video comes on my laptop, and I close my eyes, thinking about what Rivers said this morning. He’s making an effort and in charming ways. I didn’t ask him how long he’d been out there waiting on me, but for that alone, I owe him a chance to speak his piece. We may have ended horribly, but I can see how agonized he is. And despite how much pain I endured, I still hate the idea of him being hurt. Maybe talking to each other can heal some of the wounds.

I pick up my phone ready to text him, simply because I want to see him again when a soft rap on the door causes me to set it down.

Brian.

“Coming.”

Swinging my robe around me, I tie the belt as I unlock the door and then open it. “Hi.”

“Hi. I wanted to check on you and to clear any bad air. I feel bad about this morning.”

“There’s no bad air.”

He shifts and glances over his shoulder. When his eyes return to mine, he says, “I still owe you an apology. I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t have to apologize, but I’m glad we talked. I consider you a friend, and I’d hate to lose you.”

“You won’t,” he replies, a smile appearing. “I value our friendship as well. It’s been nice to have someone renting this place who I know.” Looking me over, he asks, “Are you not feeling well?”

I laugh. “No, not really. I drank too much last night. Today is payback.”

“What did you end up doing?”

Tightening the belt and looping it around my hand, I keep the details vague. “I went out with Meadow.”

“Did you go to dinner?”

“We grabbed tacos and then went to see a band play downtown, ran into some old friends, and . . .” I pause because I almost said I had fun. A sudden need to protect my time with Rivers washes through me. We all laughed a lot, and hell, I even climbed out a window with a rock star while we escaped a mob of groupies. That was unexpected fun. “It was a good night.”

“Good. So are you attending the fall banquet? The PTA will be honoring me.”

“Yes, I’ll be there and congratulations.”

“Thank you. Maybe we can ride together if you’d like?”

I consider my answer carefully. I don’t want to lead him on in any way, and I’m learning that I must keep my boundaries. When I see him patiently waiting, I’m blindsided by an irrational thought.

No. It’s too crazy. I can’t. I shouldn’t. It would be ridiculous. Fun . . . maybe. It would be a great way to get Brian to look elsewhere for his companionship. Rivers always did look good in a suit. Maybe I should. Hmmm . . . No. Rivers and I are nothing more than passing ships. He’ll be gone so soon, I’m not even sure if I’ll get a goodbye. It was ridiculous for me to even think he’s an option.

“I have a lot going on this week. Probably best if we take our own cars.”

“Yep. Sure. Will do.” Turning to go back to his gardening, he picks up the weed whacker and glances back at me. “Sorry for the noise.”

“No problem.” As soon as I close the door, I lock it and lean against it. Have I lost my damn mind? What was I thinking? Rivers asked me for more time, but this may completely blow up in my face.

* * *

Rivers Crow is hard to miss and looking better than he should. I spot him the second I walked through the doors of Highball. I immediately start second-guessing myself, my feet becoming heavy with every step I take toward him.

I’m so conflicted when it comes to what he wants and what I need. Are they one and the same? I can’t help but hope he’s changed—for the better. I know I have—for the worse. Is it time to forgive even if I can’t forget? Why does just the sight of him make my heart still hurt so much?

Rivers stands from the red vinyl booth to greet me. He’s nervous, dragging his palms down the front of his jeans. “Hi. I’m glad you texted.”

“Me too.” I don’t mention how hard it was to make the move, but the ball was in my court. He gave me that courtesy, so I’m giving him the same.

He greets me with a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for coming.”

My eyes dip closed as I take in the scent my body knows by heart. “Tell me what I’m supposed to feel because my thoughts are muddy.”

With his head against mine, he whispers, “Just go with what comes naturally. If it’s anger, tell me. If it’s something else, tell me that too.”

My forehead touches his shoulder, and I’m tempted to wrap my arms around him, but I don’t. “Thank you.”

When our bodies part, the intimacy still lingers. He asks, “Would you like to sit?”

I push myself into the half-moon booth and dump my small clutch on the table. “I felt like we needed to talk in person.”

The bartender comes over. “Our waitress hasn’t shown up yet. What can I get you?”

“Water for me,” I say.

“Iced tea please.” When the bartender leaves, Rivers says, “I like talking to you in person. How are you feeling from last night? I think you drank more than you copped to.”

Laughing lightly, I say, “I did. I feel better after eating and getting some sleep today.”

“No hair of the dog to help with that hangover?”

“I had mimosas for breakfast.”

He smiles. “Nice. I remember when we had mimosas on Easter once. Your mom got so mad since we weren’t twenty-one. Mimosas in bed sound better. You get vitamin D and the cure while hanging out at home.”

“I wasn’t at home. I was at Kerbey Lane for breakfast.”

Chuckling, he says, “I thought Meadow would have been sleeping all day. She told Ridge that she has a pretty rigorous school and work schedule, but today was her day off.”

Our drinks are set down along with a menu. “Happy hour starts soon,” the bartender says while he walks away.

“Look, I want to talk to you about something that I need to clear up.”

He takes things with ease, not seeming to stress over the potential confession. “All right.”

“Since you returned, my feelings have been based on our past. It’s not fair to judge your past actions or to hold the past against you, but I’m clearly still hurt. The reality is that I don’t know you anymore to judge you by any other means.”

“Fair enough. Could I ask you to try to stop judging and start feeling? Do you feel the same connection I feel?” Leaning forward, his eyes are set, his words firm, but his expression softens when looking at me.

I feel so much I can’t be a good judge of what’s right or wrong when everything with him always felt right.

That fire in his eyes I remember so well is still seen. “You know me, Stella. I’m the same guy you once loved. The same one I hope you can love again.”

“Why? Why do you want me to love you?” It’s exasperating trying to weed my way through his confessions. I can’t seem to reason why I’m the one he wants when he can have anyone, including the supermodel from the tabloids. I must seem so small town in comparison. “You have the world at your feet. You have women clamoring to touch you as evidenced by the groupies last night. You can have anyone in the world, women much more sophisticated than I am.”

“You underestimate yourself.”

“Maybe it’s that you don’t know me anymore. I’m not the same little girl you left.”

“I don’t want a girl. I like the woman you are.”

I swipe at the strands of hair that have wriggled free from my ponytail and then tuck my hands under my legs. “I wish I could live up to whatever image you have of me, but my road has been a lot different from yours.”

“I want to hear everything I missed.”

Resting my chin in my hand, I reply, “It’s not glamorous. It’s not even pretty. If I tell you all the crap that’s happened . . .” I stop, not sure how much to give him. I like that he still sees me as beautiful. My voice lowers, and I’m tentative to speak. “You won’t see me the same.”

“Try me.”

“Okay.” I take a deep breath and let it all out in a hurry to get it off my chest. “I’m twenty-five with a job I thought I’d love, but I don’t. My mom ran off with a medical sales manager, leaving my dad after twenty-one years of marriage. You know what he did after that?”

Rivers stares at me, but I can’t read his thoughts. He knew my parents. They were always on shaky ground. He doesn’t seem surprised by the news, but he holds nothing but compassion and interest in his eyes. I say, “He drank and gambled his way into so much debt that my sister and I dropped out of school for a year to work full time so he didn’t lose everything.” I sigh, the visuals, even with time and space from what had to be done, flash through my mind. “Trust me, Rivers, you don’t want me anymore. Some things will never wash off, and I have scars that are never going to heal.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, angling toward me as if he has no control of the pull between us. I understand the feeling. It’s why I showed up today. “I’m so sorry you went through that. I never wanted to leave you—”

“But you did. And when the horrific happened, I blamed you too. Which I now know wasn’t right. It wasn’t your fault. It was my father’s. It was those disgusting men. But I felt so . . . abandoned. You, Jet, Tulsa, and then my mom, my dad. It was hard. And . . . well, now it’s just Meadow and me.”

“Shit, Stella.” His hand flies to my hand on instinct, but he seems to stop himself. Resting his head against the tips of his fingers, he asks, “Do you need financial help now? I can help you—”

“No.” I’m not sure if I should be flattered or insulted. Everything I did to pay that debt eats at my soul, sending me to hell with the imagery. But hearing him offering to be here for me now soothes some of the loneliness I’ve felt for so long. If he knew how much I struggled . . . he would hate it. “No. I don’t want your help.” I handled it on my own. “I didn’t tell you to beg for a handout.”

“That’s not what I meant. If I can help you, I will. Any way you want.” If only it was that simple. If only his presence now could solve my problems.

“It’s just too late. I’m catching up, making it work. Slowly, but it’s happening. It’s irrational to blame you, but that’s part of my anger. I think I wanted . . . I needed you to help me emotionally. I lost you, and then I lost my mother, our home, our cars were sold or repossessed. I was sol—” I come so close to crying but don’t, holding the hurricane of emotions inside. “I’ve learned that what’s done is done. There’s no changing the past.”

Reaching over, he wraps his hands around mine that are clenched together on the table between us. “I hate what you’ve gone through because of your parents. I hate what you’ve gone through because of me. If I could turn back time . . . If I could change the past, I would have been there for you and Meadow.”

“But you can’t.” I hate that I cry when I’m upset. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Earlier today, I was wondering why now, and if you’re here because your brothers are both married?” Surely, that’s not the reason to bring him back to town in hopes of patching things up with me.

“You could say that. But not for the reasons you probably think. I’ve missed you being in my life, Stella. I haven’t felt right for a long time now, and watching my brothers find their other halves made me finally admit that I still love you.” He looks down as if the confession steals his strength, as if he’s a weaker man for admitting the truth.

Tension forms a line between his brows, and when he looks back up, the molten chocolate of his eyes silently pleads with me. A calm washes over him, easing the angst trapped in his expression, and then he says, “I love you. I never stopped. I want you back. I want to be yours again, and I want you to be mine.” The words are heavy like the deep breath he takes. “And I know that may not happen. But I can’t go through life not having tried with everything I have. Not anymore.”