Chapter 24
Zant
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
{‘Broken Together’ -Casting Crowns}
Why am I even here? I mean, I know why I came by and why I burst into her home but, why am I still here? Am I glutton for punishment?
Seeing her standing there after all this time, I felt like I could breathe again. Even with her mad at me, I feel whole again. I feel like something that has been missing is right in my grasp.
I make my way to her room. She slammed her door but she didn’t tell me to get out. I’m going to see why I feel this way.
“Micah, open the door.” I lightly knock on her door.
“You’re still here? I surely thought you had left me again,” she said from the other side of the door.
“I’m not leaving. Open the door.” I tell her.
The door slowly opens as I stand with both hands on the frame. My body takes up the space of the entire door. I’m easily over 6 feet tall. I’ve been working out since I left. The gym became my place to escape and just talk to God without putting much thought to it. He’s listening. Ms. Peggy taught me that. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you are doing, you can talk to God like He is right there with you, because He is.
With the help of a few people I met at the gym, I toned up all over. I’m not completely cut and I don’t have muscles protruding everywhere but, I’m solid. And my abs look good.
“Zant, what do you want?” She looks at the floor but I caught her eyes when she opened the door. They were red rimmed and glassy. Her tears break my heart.
“I want you to let me in.”
She backs up and sits on the bed with her hands in her lap and still looking at the floor.
I get on my knees in front of her. She wants to look at the floor… fine. I’ll get down here so she can see me.
“Now I want you to look at me.”
She raises her head a little so she can look me in the face.
“I’m sorry.” Those are the only words I have for her. Everything else I’ve said hasn’t helped. She doesn’t understand and if I’m honest, I don’t expect her to.
“Why are you sorry?” Smart girl. She wants me to work for it.
“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for hurting you.” I just lay it out there.
“You should only be sorry two of those three things. One wasn’t even close to being your fault.” She tells me in a whisper. I know that she needs to whisper so she doesn’t cry. She hasn’t changed much.
“I agree and I know that.” My teeth hurt from gritting them. Being here is bringing back all the memories that I was running from.
I am staying though. I’m facing this. If she wants to know what happened, I am going to tell her. She deserves it. I take a dive and tell her “ask me anything. What do you want to know?”
She takes a deep breath and says exactly what I knew she was going to say. “I want to know what happened that night.” It’s time to rip the band aid off.
“Alright. I’ll tell you. But tell me if I need to stop. Ok?” She nods in understanding.
“After your dad pushed Roy out the window of your room, we drug him to my backyard. He was talking and mumbling things that did and didn’t make sense.” I pause and swallow. I look at her once more. I need to see that she is fine before I continue because I can’t look at her while I tell her this story. It’s too much. “Anyway, I don’t want to tell you all he said but I have to for you to understand what happened.” I take another deep breath and continue. “He kept saying that he had been watching you and that you wanted him.” I hear her breath catch in her throat. I hurry to tell her what I know. “I know you didn’t want him Micah. I know he freaked you out. Just listen to me.” I squeeze her hand and she lets her breath out. “He was saying vile things like that and he said something about watching you since you were five. Your dad was dragging him toward the back yard and I, at some point, grabbed a shovel that was leaning against the house.” I hate to tell her this part but I can’t avoid it. “Your dad kept pulling him and he lost his footing…” I go on autopilot as I tell her the rest as it plays out in my head like it is happening all over again.
Roy trips and lands on his knees. “Get up you bastard.” Mr. Davis was yelling at him. He was so mad. Instead of getting up, Roy turned and looked at me.
“You’re a pussy, boy. You weren’t going to touch her and she was all but begging you to. I was about to make her feel so good. Then she would have never even looked at you again.” With that, I couldn’t take any more of his filth. I swung the shovel without thinking about it. It smacked him in the side of the face and he slammed onto the ground. He turned to look at me again. He smiled and I could see the blood on his teeth. “Pussy.” I swung again and the back of the shovel connected with his face. I didn’t stop. I hit him again. Mr. Davis grabbed my arm at that point and stopped me from hitting him one more time.
“Stop, Zant. You don’t want to do this.” Mr. Davis says this but oh how I really want to do this. He pulls the shovel from my hands and throws it on the ground. He kneels next to Roy and looks at him. He puts his fingers on his neck to check his pulse. I guess he didn’t feel much because he puts his ear down to Roy’s mouth for a few seconds. He looks back at me, shakes his head, and says, “he’s gone.”
With those two words my world spun. I was relieved and shocked at the same time. Mr. Davis got up and grabbed me. “Zant, we are about to do something that is completely not right but it is the only choice we have, ok.” I don’t speak, I just nod to him. He isn’t asking. He’s telling me something. I don’t look at Roy. I keep looking at Mr. Davis.
Mr. Davis grabs the shovel and one of Roy’s feet. “Come on, Z. Grab his other foot, we need to drag him further back here.” I pick up the other foot and help drag Roy to the back of our small backyard.
Mr. Davis starts to dig into the ground. Once what we are doing settles into my mind, I hit my knees and violently start shaking. “I didn’t mean to kill him. I didn’t mean to hit him that hard. I just wanted him to shut up.” I’m not about to cry over what I did or that loser that was my dad but, I’m in shock and I really didn’t mean to kill him.
His last word to me keeps running through my mind and my ears are buzzing. Finally, I hear Mr. Davis saying my name.
“Zant. Boy, listen to me. This is not your fault. It was an accident. Do you hear me? Don’t check out on me kid. You just saved Micah’s life.” I look up into his fierce eyes and I know that he is telling me the truth. He has always been there for me. He has always been my rock and he would do anything for me. Even this.
I nod and get to my feet to help him. We dig a pretty big hole to put Roy in and finally roll him into it. We put the dirt back on top of him and pack it down tight.
When we finish, Mr. Davis grabs me by the shoulders and says, “Zant. This did not happen. Are you listening?” I nod to him and he continues, “we are going to tell everyone that I whipped him up pretty good and he grabbed some stuff and left town. We are going to make it look like he just skipped out. Ok?” I nod again to him. What else am I supposed to do? I just killed my dad and buried him in my back yard.
“Zant, you are not to tell Micah or any of the others what happened here tonight. You can tell them what Roy did to Micah. She will need all the help she can get but, do not breathe a word of what happened once I climbed out of that window. Do you hear me son?”
“Yes sir.” I said.
And that was the end of it. Mr. Davis and I were the only two people that knew what really happened to Roy. He took care of all the details and looked out for me until I turned 18 and graduated from high school.
“So that is what happened. Your dad took care of everything and at the start of our Senior year, he noticed that I still wasn’t handling things well. I was going to church and I was asking for forgiveness but I couldn’t completely let things go. He suggested I move away for a while. Get out of my house. Get away from the darkness in that house. Get away from the dead body that was in the backyard that was a constant reminder of what I had done. What Roy had done.”
I finally look up at Micah and I see the tears rolling down her beautiful face. “Say something Mi,” I whisper as she continues to stare at me.
She finally controls her tears and touches my face. “I’m so sorry Zant. I’m sorry that you had to do that. I’m sorry that you did it. I’m sorry that you dealt with it all by yourself and you couldn’t tell me. I would have helped you.” She bows her head and starts sobbing. I climb onto the bed beside her.
“Micah, I’m going to touch you.” I tell her before I put my arms around her so she doesn’t freak out on me. I want to hold her. I want to help her. I need to feel her in my arms to anchor myself. I rub my hand up and down her back. “It’s ok Micah. You’re ok. I’m right here.” I keep telling her this until her sobs stop and her breathing slows. After a good little while of us sitting like that, she looks up at me and kisses my cheek. I feel my heart skip a beat.
She gives me a long look and then stands up from the bed. “Here is what we are going to do. Ok?”
“Okaaaay.??” She grabs my hand again.
“Stand up and let’s go.”
“Um, it is the middle of the night. Where are we going?”
“Don’t ask questions, just get up and follow me.” She’s throwing on her Chucks and making her way to the front door. As she grabs her keys I ask, “are you going somewhere? I can go home.”
“No. You are coming with me. Come on,” she says over her shoulder.
I follow her to her car. I’m so confused right now.
I get in the passenger side as she climbs in the driver seat.
“Buckle up,” she says.
I buckle my seatbelt and just look at her. She hasn’t looked at me and my confusion keeps growing.
She finally turns to look at me, “here is what we are going to do. I understand everything a little better. I can’t fix the past and neither can you. We can just move forward and that is what we are going to do. I know that you have your reasons for leaving me. I get it. I don’t understand because I was already hurting and waking up to that note instead of you, hurt in a whole different way that you will never understand.” I start to speak but she holds her hand up and I stop. “I won’t explain it to you. You haven’t changed and I haven’t changed. Do you know what that means?” I shake my head ‘no’ at her because I want to hear what she is thinking. “It means we still know each other. Even after three long years, we know what each other need. You’re back. We are going to run into each other. We live in this small town. I missed you and I want you back. Can you be my friend again?”
I was holding my breath. I think I may not have enough oxygen in my brain. “You want to be my friend?” I had to have misheard her. How could she even want to talk to me much less be my friend after what I just told her?
“You crushed me when you left me Zant. But I’m not so broken that I can’t forgive you. What happened to Roy wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself. He deserved what happened to him and so much more. You weren’t ever given the good side of things when it came to that monster either. I’m not going to pretend that you are completely normal.” She is trying to not smile and my brain has completely shut down. “I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend. I’m asking you to be my friend. Let’s start slow and see what happens. Can you do that? Do you even want to do that?”
The last question was in a whisper. The look in her beautiful blue eyes said she was starting to regret her question with my silence.
I decide to just go for it. Staying away from her was going to be out of the cards. Look at me. I vowed to stay away from her when I came back and I’m sitting in her car right now.
“Ok.” I tell her and she cranks the car.