Zant
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
{‘Chasing Cars’ -Snow Patrol}
Yes, I’m in love with my best friend. As cliché is that is, it’s the truth for me and it will never change. I really can’t tell you when I fell in love with her. I’ve loved her for as long as I can remember. I knew in elementary school that I never wanted to live a day of my life without her.
No, she has no clue. No one has any idea how I feel. I make sure to keep those feelings on lock down. I cherish our friendship more than my own life and I would never do anything to mess that up or hurt her.
My family moved in next door to the Carson’s when I was four years old. I stepped outside my front door after exploring my new room and I immediately heard giggling.
Next door was this giant man playing football with a little girl. I loved football and I wanted to play, but I was shy so I just watched from my front porch. The man would throw the ball to the girl and she could never catch it. She would laugh every time because he would start running towards her before she could pick it up. He would pick her up and swing her around when he reached her. Her giggles would float through the air and it sounded like the prettiest windchimes.
Mr. Davis, Micah’s dad, noticed me that day and invited me over to play with them. Micah’s eyes lit up when she saw me and that was a game changer. She turned into my best friend at that moment. We played football in her front yard every afternoon after school until it was time to go in for supper.
As the years have gone on, not a lot has changed. We don’t play every day, but most weekends consist of some sort of sports play in the Carson’s front yard. Through the years, we have attracted more players. Kelly started playing and then Levi and I became friends and he joined in the games. Macy and Chance joined in after that. We’ve all been joined at the hips since we were six.
They are like my brothers and sisters… well, except Micah. She has always been more and the older I get, I know why. They were all there for me when my mom died and they have been there for me through everything with my dad since. I like to think it is a two-way street. I like to think that I have been there for them too. I know that I have tried my best to return all the love each one of them has shown me.
We reach the others shortly after our talk. They stopped in the middle of the mall at one of the kiosk. Before we reach them, Micah says “God, I hope they aren’t talking with those hand lotion people. I don’t like those weirdos touching my hands. It’s gross.” She gives a shiver as she says the last word.
“Mi, they are just doing their jobs. Imagine having that job.” I say as I try to swallow a laugh. She just shakes her head.
They aren’t with the ‘lotion weirdos’. They are at the little sunglass stand. Apparently, the girls need new shades with the new bathing suits.
Girls.
After everyone gets what they need, we all head outside. “Where are we going, girls?”
“Let’s head to the park,” Macy says.
The park.
As you can imagine, it is a wide-open space with trees and lots of room. We all love to go there just to hang out. We get away from the rents (parents) and get to relax however we want. In our small town, it is a popular spot for everyone. Families. Groups of friends. Couples. Kids. Everyone.
Chance and I drove our vehicles, like usual. We have six people and everyone can’t fit into one vehicle. Micah and Levi ride with me. Chance takes Kelly and Macy. Once we get to the park, we all pile out and go to our usual spot. It’s in a clearing with wide open space and a view of the creek that runs next to the park. When we were little, some of our parents would take turns bringing us all here so we could run out our pent-up energy. During the summer, we would splash and play in the creek. It is never that deep unless it rains a lot. No one can get in after that due to currents and such. Several times, people haven’t listened to the warnings and have drowned.
Micah and I sit under ‘our tree’ and kick off our shoes. I lean against the tree and she leans against me. We do this every time we come here. Old habits and all that. Macy and Kelly walk to the creek and Levi and Chance start throwing a football that they brought.
Micah sighs. I know that questions are coming. I know her as well as I know myself.
“How are you Z? Really. You keep avoiding the question.”
“I’m perfect Micah.” I tell her this in the most convincing voice that I can come up with. She doesn’t need to worry about me or what Roy makes me feel like. How do you explain how you feel after your mom dies and your dad turns in to Satan? I can’t talk to her about it … even if I could come up with the words.
“Ok. If you say so. You do know that I am here for you if you want to talk, right?” The silence that follows is a little uncomfortable which is odd for us but that is where we are right now. I know that she wants to know things and I am just not ready to talk to her about things that are going on at home just yet.
“Yeah, Mi. I know I can talk to you. I’m just not ready yet.”
“Ok.” That is all that is said and I sigh in relief.
After a bit, she gets up and heads toward the creek. I watch her.
She has turned into a beautiful girl. We’ve watched each other change over the years. I was the only one that got to pick on her for having braces and bad haircuts. Everyone goes through those awkward stages. Anytime anyone else would try to pick on her, I shut that shit down. I don’t care if the guys thought of her like a sister, they didn’t get to pick on the way she looked. That level of joking was just for me. She knows that I would never mean it.
After a little bit of sitting under the tree and just watching my friends, Levi takes a break and comes over to me. He leans against the tree and watches everyone with me. Chance has walked over to the creek with the girls.
“What’s up man? Why you sitting over here by yourself watching everybody?” Levi means well but he is a nosy punk. He always tries to get me to talk. We have been friends for a long time. To be so goofy and loud and obnoxious at times, he pays way to close attention to people. He knows when things are off with me and I haven’t decided if I like it or not. Micah is the same way but I can always evade her if necessary. Levi – not so much.
“I’m just chillin, dude. Didn’t really feel like moving.” I’m going to be as evasive as I can for as long as I can. I know his needling is coming.
“How’s Micah?” And… here it comes.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, have you asked her out yet? Have you told her how you feel about her?” And… there it is.
“Levi, man, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Mi and I are just friends. I don’t have anything to tell her.” Lying after so many years - you get the hang of it after a while.
“Yeah man. Whatever you say.” I don’t look at him. I feel his stare boring into the side of my face but I keep my face forward. The goal is to not let him see my eyes. He continues. “You do know that someone else may come in and take her from you, right?”
“We are 16 years old right now, Levi. Even if I was interested in Micah, now is not the time to start anything. We are good friends and I will never mess that up by telling her about any feelings that I may or may not have for her. Besides if Micah finds her soulmate, I will not stand in the way. I will support her 100 percent.”
Why did I just spit that glass out? The look on my face must tell Levi that I’m full of crap too. He starts laughing.
“Did you just hear yourself? You are so full of shit. If Mi starts to date someone, you will lose your mind.” He continues to laugh a little bit before he quiets down and becomes serious again. “I’ll shut up about it for now Z but, don’t let that girl get away. We will all be friends until the end of time but I know and you know that the only soulmate that Micah has is you.” With that, he gets up and walks toward the creek. He puts his arms around Micah from behind and she leans back into him. They’ve done it a million times. I know he is doing it to tick me off this time but, I don’t let it.
He loves her.
He will never love her like I do.