Micah
But I’m a creep
I’m a widow
What the hell am I doing here
I don’t belong here
{‘Creep’ – Radiohead}
While the show on TV plays, I listen to Zant’s heart. The steady rhythm puts me at ease. It always has. He’s always my constant. He’s always there when I need… anything. It has always been Zant.
I know I love him and I know that he is my one. But, when will it be our time? I question that all the time but I never know the answer. I have a feeling that now is not the time. Now is too early for us. I do not want to get into a relationship, realize that we are better off as friends, and ruin our friendship. I rather not know if something more can happen than to risk that.
He knows that about me though. So, I stop worrying and just enjoy my moments with him.
Whatever they are to him – I am ok with not knowing right now.
What they are to me – they are my everything.
His heartbeat and warmth lull me to sleep. It has been a long day and right now the person that I worry about the most is right next to me. Sleep comes easily.
Tap. Tap.
I stir a little and open one eye. I heard a noise.
I hear the sound of something sliding.
I open my other eye. It’s dark in my room.
I heard another sound.
I don’t move.
I have an eerie feeling. Like I’m being watched. I could feel the hair standing up on my entire body.
The next sound I hear is the sound of feet hitting the floor. My blood runs cold. Someone is in my room with me and they came from the window.
I still don’t move.
They come closer to my bed. I can tell they are trying to be quiet but I don’t move. My mind races. Who could it be? Zant wouldn’t sneak into my room like this. He never has and he knew it would scare me.
I can feel them standing next to my bed. It is an overwhelming feeling. My body is ready for the flight or fight to kick it but, it’s also frozen. My heart is pounding and I can’t move. I don’t want to move.
The person then sits on my bed. They must think I’m asleep. I squeeze my eyes shut and pray that I am dreaming and they will just go away. When a hand touches my arm, I know it’s not a dream.
“Hey Micah.” He whispers. I still don’t know who it is. The voice doesn’t belong to Zant or anyone else that I know.
“He’s such a pussy. He should have been tapping this all along.” I feel the bile rising in my throat.
“That’s ok. I’m going to take care of you.” He moves and lays down next to me. He starts to rub my arm. His hand slides up my arm and onto my breast. I have to feel dead to him. I’m not breathing. My heart is pounding though and I know he can hear it.
His hand slides down to my stomach. He keeps whispering.
“I’ve been watching you for years. You’re turning into a beautiful little thing.” His hand moves down to my thigh and he touches the inside. I fight to not move. I want him to think I’m asleep. But, how could you sleep through this torture?
“I’ve seen the way you have looked at me. You have kind eyes. Your pretty eyes are like a path to your soul.”
The bowel is rising higher. I want to scream and I’m gritting my teeth so hard that my head is starting to hurt.
His hand moves to the side of my underwear and I feel his finger touch my private part.
“I’m going to make you feel so good.”
Then my voice comes and I scream. He jerks his hand back and then slams it over my mouth. My body is tight but it won’t move. My eyes are open and I’m looking at his face. The only thing I can see are his eyes. They look to be glowing.
“Shut up!” He yells to me while trying to whisper. “You know you were liking my touch. You wanted me to touch you.”
He climbs on top of me then and I feel his weight on me. His other hand is trying to open his pants.
I start moving. I try kicking him and kneeing him. He’s too strong. He has my entire body pinned down. His hand is clamped hard over my mouth. I’m trying to breathe through my nose and my scream is muffled. My cheek is hurting from the amount of pressure his fingers have on my face.
The next thing I know, he is being yanked off of me and thrown to the floor. I hear yelling but I have no idea what happened. I sit up in my bed and quickly slide back to the wall and curl in on myself. My entire body is shaking.
My eyes focus and I see who came to my rescue. It’s my dad.
Roy is on the floor and my dad is on top of him pounding into his face with his fist. With all of the commotion, my mom has come to my room. After flipping the light on and assessing the situation, she immediately comes to me. Her eyes are as big as her face. She wraps her arms around me and covers me with her body. I think she is trying to shield me from what I know my dad is going to do to Roy.
My eyes are closed and my face is tucked into my mom’s neck. I don’t move. I hardly breath.
“Mr. Davis?” I hear the question in his tone and I look up.
Zant is standing outside of my window looking in. His gaze goes farther down and sees his dad. I see every ounce of blood drain from his face. “Roy?” He whispers.
Our eyes clash. His are filled with horror and they must mirror mine. But, I feel nothing.
He reaches out to grab Roy’s arm and pull him through the window. Once Roy is out, Zant backs up and I can’t see him anymore. Dad climbs through the window after them.
He turns around and looks into my room at us. When his eyes land on me, I see them glass over with tears. He tries to speak and nothing comes out.
He clears his throat and tries again, “Lucy, close the window and put Micah in the shower. We will be back soon.”
With that, he turns around and all three men disappear. The only sound I hear are muffled words from Roy.
“Come on, honey. Let’s get you in a hot shower. You are going to need it.” Mom climbs off the bed and gently grabs my hand. I slowly move to the side of my bed and let my feet touch the floor.
I don’t trust my weight and I look to my mama. She must sense my hesitation because she puts her arm around my waist and helps me to my feet. My legs feel like jello but mama lets me rest most of my weight on her. We slowly move to my bathroom. She sits me on the toilet and turns the shower on. She lays a towel on the counter and then just looks at me.
Tears are in her eyes and I can tell that she is close to sobbing.
“Mama.” I say through a sob.
“Oh baby. You’re ok. You’re going to be ok. I’m right here. I’ll always be right here. Don’t you worry.” She speaks with a soothing tone that she was famous for every time I got hurt playing sports with the boys.
I would always be the one that got hurt. I would run inside screaming for my mama.
“Mama! Mama! Levi pushed me down and I skinned my knee.” Tears would be pouring down my face. She would gather me up in her arms and sit me on the counter in the kitchen.
“Micah, you have to calm down. I can’t fix you up if you are crying so hard. Can you calm down for Mama?” I would always nod my head and choke back my tears.
“Now,” she’d say, “that is better. Now let me look at your knees.”
She would talk to me in her soothing voice and I truly believe that her voice did more healing for me than any ointment or bandage ever could.
She brings me back to the present with her soft voice. “Do you need any help with your clothes, honey? I can imagine that you want to do all of this yourself?” She has a questioning tone to her voice so I answer her with a slow nod. I can’t imagine someone touching me right now, not even my mama.
My body shakes with a silent sob and I quickly swallow it.
Mama moves around the bathroom and gathers a few things to put on the side of the tub for me.
“I’m going to let you shower alone Micah. I will be right outside. You are fine. You are safe.”
Safe.
That is the word that pierces my heart. Will I ever feel safe again?