Chapter 13
Micah
I let you see the parts of me,
That weren’t all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
{‘Just Give Me A Reason’ -P!nk}
I did it. I really did it. I trusted myself and I was able to do something on my own. Of course, Macy was there but, none of the guys were. For so long, I haven’t done anything without one of them with me. After Roy attacked me in my very own room of my house, I was unable to be alone at all. I always thought I heard him. I expected him to pop out of a hiding place and finish what he started.
My nightmares have gotten better but, the fear hasn’t completely left me. Therapist have helped me along with my parents and my friends. However, I’ve learned no matter how much therapy you have, the fear never fully leaves you until you just aren’t afraid anymore.
That is what I am still waiting on. To not be afraid anymore.
After shopping and site seeing, we go play mini golf and find a place to eat supper.
The rest of the week we spend our time at the beach and the hotel pool.
It is the best week of my life.
On Sunday, we load the van up and make our way back home. I’m ready to see my parents. I haven’t been away from them this long in all my life. This is a preview of how life will be at college though. I’m thankful I will have my friends there with me so I will not be completely alone.
I know they are all going to the same community college as me so they will be close to me. I said nothing to discourage them at the time it was mentioned. I couldn’t imagine my life without them around me. I truly feel like I will fall apart on my own. Without saying a word, they understood that. I’m truly grateful.
We get home a little before supper and Mama has enough food cooked to feed an army. So, the army stays to eat.
Everyone goes home after eating and telling my parents all about our trip. Levi tells them about my ‘solo’ trip to the souvenir store. My mom had tears in her eyes and dad tells me how proud of me he is. I feel totally proud of myself. If words were a trophy, I just earned an Emmy.
Zant stays to help me get everything unpacked. Afterwards we are in my room watching a movie. He’s lying on the floor while I’m on the bed. I muster up the courage to ask him the questions that I’m ready to know the answers to.
“Zant.” I say to get his attention. He looks up at me. “Can we talk?”
He sits up on the floor to give me his full attention. “Yeah, sure. What’s up?”
I take a deep breath. “Where’s Roy? He hasn’t been here since that night and I’m still afraid he’s going to show up.”
Zant just stares at me before he takes a big gulp. I see his Adam’s Apple move up and down. He looks at the floor for a little bit before he lifts his eyes back to me. “Micah, I would love to tell you but, I can’t right now.” My stomach hits the floor. I didn’t think Zant would ever keep anything from me.
I know that Roy hasn’t been home since he attacked me. It was never discussed where he went exactly. Dad just told me a couple days later that he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. My parents took over everything and Zant was able to stay in his house and alternate between my house and his. Now that we are 18, Zant is an adult and doesn’t necessarily need my parents for legal things.
Mom and Dad made sure that Zant had everything he needed for the past two years. He ate at our house every night. They bought him anything he needed. We did most things together and Roy was never around. Zant went to the same therapist I did. It was mentioned a couple weeks ago that he wasn’t going anymore. I didn’t ask if he was better. I didn’t ask if he needed to still go or not. I’ve been too focused on myself honestly. I’ve been selfish.
“What do you mean you can’t tell me? I thought we could tell each other anything?” I’m shocked that he isn’t willing to just tell me what I want to know. I’m also a little hurt and it is growing.
“Micah, I need to talk to you about this when your parents are around. I can’t handle this on my own.” He says this while looking me in the eye and I can tell that he is hurting himself by doing this to me. I don’t push him because I don’t want to fight with him.
“Fine. I want to know and I expect an answer tomorrow when we can all sit down and talk about it. I’m tired of walking around looking over my shoulder. I’m going to college in five months and I need to know what or who is out there waiting for me.”
Zant nods and says, “I understand what you are saying Mi and the only thing I can tell you right now is - you are completely fine and completely safe.”
“I trust you and it is only because of that that I am willing to let this go. For now.” I tell him while giving him my most serious look.
He gets up from the floor and slowly moves towards me. I keep my eyes on his as he gets closer. “May I?” He asks before lowering himself to my bed. I nod to him and he puts his arms around me.
“Micah, you are safe baby. You are safe right here. You are safe everywhere. You have changed, yes, but in good ways too. You are more aware of things. You are more on guard. You are more reserved. It sucks to be that way but it is survival instincts too. You need that. The world can be a bad place. College can be a bad place but, I fully believe that you are going to be ok. With and without me and the other guys around. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.” His mouth is right next to my ear as he whispers these words to me. I feel tears running down my cheeks but I’m unsure why I am even crying. “Shh. Don’t cry love. You are ok. One day at a time.”
He pulls back and kisses my forehead. “I love you. I will always love you. Always remember that, ok?”
“Ok. I love you too, Z.”
“I’ve got to head to the house and get some sleep. We go back to school tomorrow to finish out our senior year.” I grin at him. We have been working hard for this and it is finally here.
“You’re taking me to school, right?” I ask him as he gets up and grabs his chucks to slip on.
“Of course. I will be here at the normal time for breakfast.” He winks at me. It’s no secret that he loves my Mama’s cooking.
I laugh at him as he makes his way towards my bedroom door.
We never have that talk.
The next few months pass by without incident and graduation finally comes.
I didn’t know that I would be broken again.