CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Sinner
CARA AND I spent the last two weeks trying every night to get the cream to work on me, but we still weren’t seeing any results. I could feel a little bit more every time, so I could tell it was having an effect, but I was nowhere near having an orgasm. I tried not to let it get me down and remembered that the doctor said it would take time. I didn’t tell Cara, but the night we got home, after she went to bed, I took the Viagra and tried it myself. I didn’t want to show my disappointment when it didn’t work, so I did it without her.
The stress of everything has made me want to give up. Cara’s been very upbeat about the whole thing, encouraging me to keep trying and that eventually we’ll see results. I just don’t know how much more I can take of this. I don’t know how many more times I can sit there with Cara stroking my dick and not feel it. Fed up with everything, I called Sebastian for our training session. When he didn’t answer, I said fuck it and drove over to Reed Security. It really grated on me that I still didn’t have clearance for the building and I had to be let in, but hopefully after today that would be taken care of.
“Sinner, how’s it going man?” Burg greeted me by the elevators.
“It’s going good. I’m ready to get back. I just came to talk with Sebastian.”
“I don’t think he’s here right now. Something about Freckles running off to Pittsburgh.”
“Fuck,” I swore under my breath. “Do me a favor and get him on the phone. Tell him I need to get reinstated and have someone put me through the fucking tests. I can’t wait anymore.”
“Yeah, give me a few minutes and I’ll see what I can do.”
He walked off and made a phone call while I hung out in the reception area, not able to go any further because I was no longer qualified personnel. Burg came back less than a minute later, finishing up his phone call with Cap.
“He says that you can do your training with Derek and Hunter. He wants Hunter to keep an eye on you and make sure you don’t pass out if the workout is too intense,” he said with a smirk.
I gave Burg the middle finger. Cap knew damn well what I was capable of and was just busting my balls.
By the end of the day, Derek had put me through all the workouts and training sessions that were available through our company. He also had me go to the shooting range and prove my worth there. By the time I was done, I was exhausted, but Derek said he had never seen me in such good shape. I felt great, but Derek was blowing smoke up my ass. I had never been this tired after a training session. Still, I knew that I was ready.
“One last thing, Cap said he wants you cleared by a psychologist,” Derek said.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
He shrugged. “Here’s the guy’s number. He’s worked with us before. You won’t get cleared if you don’t get the okay from the doc.”
I took the card that Derek held out to me and grumbled all the way to my truck. Luckily, the doctor had the afternoon open and was willing to see me even though he was supposed to be off. I supposed that was because Reed Security paid him handsomely for his services. Pulling up to the building, I sighed as the dread crept in.
“Dr. Jameson?” I shook his hand as I entered his office.
He nodded and extended his hand. “Mr. Sinn, it’s good to meet you. Please take a seat.”
I got comfortable in one of his armchairs and he took the other. He crossed his leg over the other knee and clicked his pen on.
“So, what is it you’re here to see me about?”
“I’m supposed to see you to get cleared to go back to work.”
“Okay. And what happened that you need to get cleared?”
Better to just tell him. The sooner I filled him in the sooner I would be cleared.
“I was taken outside my place of employment in California because they thought I had information to where a client was being hidden. They tortured me and now my dick doesn’t work. Other than that, I’m back in shape and ready to get back to work.”
“It sounds like you glossed over a lot of stuff there.”
“What exactly would you like to know, Doc?”
“Why did you get taken? You’re a trained operative.”
“I was on the phone with my girlfriend and I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Did you know there was a threat?”
I clenched my teeth. “Yes.”
“But your focus was still on something else.”
“And I paid for it.”
“Something I’m sure you’ll never let happen again.”
“I’d like to say that, but it’s almost impossible to constantly be watching over your shoulder. All I can do is be aware of what’s going on and hope to God it doesn’t happen again.”
He nodded and wrote something down, then looked back at me. “About this girlfriend, are you still with her?”
“I am now.”
“Meaning you broke up at some point. Who did the breaking up?”
“I did.” I explained the issues I’d been having as quickly and succinctly as possible. “So, I pulled my head out of my ass and decided that I wanted her too much to let my ego stand in the way.”
“And what will you do if the treatments don’t work?”
I shrugged and looked away. “I haven’t really allowed myself to think about it. I know that I don’t want her to have to live with a man that can’t perform for her, but I really don’t want to do that to her.”
“To take away her choice.”
“Yeah.”
“I would suggest you keep taking it one day at a time. There are no guarantees in life and you could very well break up for some other reason.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “On the other hand, you could both explore the possibilities of the kind of relationship you could have without the complete sexual experience. Perhaps you’ll find something that works for you both.”
I rolled my eyes, not really believing that would happen.
“Let’s talk about your time in captivity.”
“Sure, doc.”
“Are you having nightmares?”
“A few, but mostly about Cara. I dream that they use her against me and I can’t do anything. That was one of the reasons I pushed her away. I can’t explain it, but I have this feeling that she could get wrapped up in this whole thing. She’s already suffered enough. I don’t want to put her through anything like that.”
“But you’re back with her.”
“I’ve been with her or following her everywhere. Sometimes, I have one of the guys from Reed Security following her.”
“So, she’s well protected.”
“For now, but I don’t know how long I can keep it up. Once I go back to work, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.”
“Have you talked to your boss about the possibility of a detail for her?”
“He’s fine with it for now, but we don’t know how long it’ll take to chase these guys down. We don’t even know who they are yet.”
“It seems to me that you’re the type of guy that would do anything to keep the ones he loves safe. Nightmares have a way of playing on our deepest fears.”
“So, I should ignore them?”
“You should take them as the warning that they are, but weigh in what you have to offer. You’re trained and you know what you need to do to make sure she’s safe.”
I nodded and hoped he was right.
“As for yourself, how do you feel about going back to work after being tortured?”
I shrugged. “It was the same as in the Army. Shit happens and you move one.”
“Like nothing happened.”
“There’s nothing I can do about it now. I fucked up by not paying attention. I won’t let that happen again if I can. As for work, I can’t see myself doing anything else. This is what I was trained to do and I won’t be satisfied doing anything else.”
“What would you do if you could no longer work at Reed Security?”
I blew out a breath. “I don’t know, Doc. It’s not like I can get another job using weapons and my military training just anywhere. As terrible as the shit I saw overseas was and what I’ve dealt with here, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
“Even if it means that you can no longer have a sexual relationship with your girlfriend?”
✯✯✯✯✯
The doctor’s last question bugged me the whole way home. Was this life really worth what it cost me with Cara? Why was I okay with asking her to stay with me knowing that I might get hurt or die, but I was questioning it all now that I had an issue with sex? What made it so different? I didn’t have the answer and I wasn’t sure I ever would. Of course, everything between us was on shaky ground anyway. As a couple, we were rock solid, but I knew that if nothing worked to get little Sinner up and running, I was going to have to seriously think about how this would all end.
I pulled into Cara’s driveway and hauled my tired ass out of the truck and inside where I planned to take a long, hot shower. Cara walked out of the bedroom with a big smile on her face.
“How was your training session?”
“Good. I had to see a psychologist to get cleared first. I won’t know anything until Sebastian calls me back.”
“Why don’t you go ahead and jump in the shower. I have something different I want to try tonight.”
I sighed and went to the fridge for a beer. “Can we not do this tonight? I don’t have it in me for another fail tonight. Let’s just take a break.”
“How about this, you do everything I ask for tonight and if it doesn’t work, we’ll do things your way from now on? I won’t pressure you in any way.”
I studied her for a minute and saw the hope in her eyes. I didn’t want that to dim, but I also didn’t want to deal with another night of feeling like a failure.
“Fine. Just tonight.”
She nodded and I headed off to the bathroom, stripping my clothes along the way.
“Take your pill now,” she shouted from the other room. I popped the blue pill and cursed myself as I stared in the mirror at my flaccid penis. It had only been two weeks and I was tired as fuck of trying already. I didn’t even pray for it to work because it seemed pointless.
I turned on the water and stepped inside, leaning against the wall and letting the water pour over me. Hands slid over my back and wrapped around my stomach. I held my hand over Cara’s soft one and rubbed small circles as she ran her other hand up to my nipple.
“Cara,” I whispered and grabbed her hand.
“No, Mark. My way tonight. Just let me try.” My body felt so disconnected as I felt the tightening in my nipple, but nothing in my groin. She continued to rub and then she trailed a hand down to my thigh, rubbing along my inner thigh, but never touching my flaccid penis. She stepped back and I turned to see her standing on the other side of the shower massaging her breasts and pulling her nipples. One hand trailed down to the apex of her thighs and slipped between her legs.
Her chest heaved as she breathed heavier with every stroke of her finger. The viagra started kicking in and my cock grew fatter and longer as I watched her. I wasn’t sure if it was the medicine or seeing Cara caress her body, but either way, I was enjoying the show. Her fingers moved faster and faster as she rubbed her clit and I absentmindedly reached down to stroke my cock. The shocker was that I actually felt something. It wasn’t a strong feeling, but it was definitely different.
Her eyes were glued to my cock as I ran my hand up and down the length.
“I want to come,” she whispered.
“Pinch your clit. I want to see your beautiful face when you come apart.”
I stroked myself harder and harder, knowing that the sight of it drove her crazy. Her fingers moved in a frenzy until she finally tipped over the edge and came with a scream. I moved instantly, knowing that she had just come hard and would likely feel weak after. I caught her in my arms and kissed her passionately, needing to show her how much I loved her.
She grabbed my hand when she was steady on her feet again and pulled me out of the shower, handing me a towel to dry off with.
“Go lay down on the bed on your belly,” she demanded.
I smirked and followed her orders. Though slightly uncomfortable with a woody, I beared it for her. Her silky skin slid over my body as she covered me with hers and started nipping at my earlobes and then kissing down my neck. Her hands caressed my shoulders and down my back in a sensual move that made my skin tingle. Her fingers massaged over the tattoo on my back and then her lips were there, pressing kisses across my shoulder blades and down my spine.
When she reached my lower back, her tongue left wet circles and she added pressure with her thumb that left a strange feeling in my groin that almost felt like pleasure. She massaged the small patch of skin for a few minutes and the pleasure built, but before I could explore the sensations further, she moved down my ass until she was placing wet kisses along the skin right under my butt cheeks. I’d never considered that particular area to be pleasurable, but it was. Her fingers trailed down the backs of my thighs to the backs of my knees. It tickled at first, but then I felt it again, the pleasure building in my groin. What the hell was happening?
Her hands moved up my inner thighs until I could feel her fingers near my sac, but then they were gone. I heard a lid open and some squirting and I turned my head to see what she was doing. Squinting, I saw she was holding a bottle of lube.
“What do you think you’re doing with that?”
“I want you to trust me.”
“If you think you’re shoving something up my ass, you’re dead wrong.”
“Not something, my finger. Did you know that men have a g spot also? It can be reached best through your ass.”
I shook my head at her. “No way.”
“If you let me do it, I’ll let you do it.”
Challenge accepted. I laid my head back down and grimaced when I felt her wet finger slowly penetrate my ass. I squeezed my ass cheeks together, knowing this was not right and she shouldn’t be anywhere near that hole.
“Relax, Mark. It’ll hurt if you don’t loosen up. As I push in, you push out.”
How many times had I told a woman that? I already knew that was what was supposed to happen. It was totally different when it was happening to you. Once I started to push out, the pain subsided and her finger slid easily inside me. She pumped her finger slowly in and out, giving me a chance to adapt to the foreign intrusion. As she picked up the pace, I felt a burning begin, but since I was still numb in spots and I was lying on my cock, I couldn’t place where the feeling was. Then she ran her finger in the space between my sac and my ass hole and pressed harder.
I jolted upright at the amazing feeling. Shit, I could swear I felt like I was close to orgasm, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Her finger pumped harder inside me and my breathing increased every time she hit that spot that was supposedly my g spot.
She ran her other hand over my sac, not grabbing my balls, but massaging along the seam and playing with the skin. I got up to my knees and she moved with me. I fisted my cock and pumped, feeling a little more this time than any time before.
“Oh God, Cara, I think I might..” I didn’t finish as I squeezed my cock and pumped harder and harder. She hit that spot twice more before I felt the familiar pull on my balls and moments later felt warm liquid cover my hand. Panting, I looked down to see that I had spewed my semen all over my hand. Her finger slipped from my ass and then she came around to my front with a big grin on her face. I expected her to shout out about how it had worked, but instead, she lifted my hand to her face and licked every drop of my cum from my hand, her eyes never leaving mine.
“Holy shit,” I whispered. She grabbed my hand and dragged me in the shower to help me clean up and then we laid down in bed together.
“How did you know what to do?” I asked as she rested her hand on my shoulder.
“I did some research on male erogenous zones. I thought that maybe if I built up the sensations in the other areas first, it would feel more intense by the time we got to the best parts.”
I kissed the side of her head and smiled. “You’re amazing.”
“How much were you able to feel?”
“I could feel it everywhere but the upper half of my cock. It’s not there yet, but it’s getting better.”
“So we just have to stay creative until we get there all the way.”
“Cara, if I didn’t already love you, I would have fallen in love with you tonight. What you just did for me was..”
“It was the same thing you did for me. That’s what this is all about, right? Helping each other through the tough times and knowing when the other one needs a little extra.”
There were no more words I could say to her to make her realize how wonderful she was. She had just saved my sanity. To think, I might have pushed her away again and never discovered how great things could have really been. I wasn’t an idiot like Sebastian. I knew a good woman when I had her and there was no way I would ever be letting her go.