CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Cara
SEAN SAT NEXT to me in the waiting room, trying not to grimace as I gripped his hand with all my might. I hated being around all these people. I could feel them all staring at me. The nausea that had been slowly creeping up was threatening to make its way up to my throat.
“Do you see that woman over there? Looks like she got carried away with the Botox,” Sean whispered in my ear. I looked in the direction he was and saw a woman with lips so large, there was no way they were all natural.
“It’s not Botox. That’s for smoothing out wrinkles on your face,” I said around the bile churning in my stomach.
“And look at that lady. Didn’t anyone tell her that parachute pants went out with the eighties?”
“They’re making a comeback. All the boys are wearing them now.”
“Seriously?” Sean looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “No self respecting man wears something like that.”
“I’m telling you, it’s made a comeback. They’re also wearing skinny jeans.”
“How the hell does a man get his junk inside skinny jeans?”
I laughed at the look on Sean’s face and the tightness in my chest slowly eased.
“Lillian’s thinking of going back to school for the next semester. She can only put it off for so long before they’ll fill her position.”
“Really? Sarah’s thinking of staying home for another year, until Henry and Charlotte go to preschool.”
“Wouldn’t they be in preschool now?”
“They missed the cutoff date since they’re October babies.”
“If she stayed home, would you still work for them?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Drew wasn’t too keen on paying a nanny if she stayed home. Maybe I would just help out a couple of days a week. It’s really a lot of work, but I can see why he doesn’t want to pay someone.”
“What would you do for work then?”
“That’s why I’m here. I have to see what the doctor can give me to help me be a human in public again.”
My heart was still pounding in my chest, but Sean had successfully distracted me enough that I wasn’t on the verge of running to the bathroom.
“Cara Donnelly?”
I stood as the nurse called my name, still gripping Sean’s hand.
“Do you want me to go back with you?”
A large part of me wanted to do this on my own, but I also wanted to let Sean in.
“Sure, but I need to do this on my own, so no interrupting.”
“Gotcha, sis.”
We followed the nurse back to the rooms and stopped to get my height and weight. The nurse took me back to a room where she took my blood pressure and pulse, then asked me some questions. When she was done, I had to fill out a form on how often I felt symptoms of anxiety and depression. It was depressing just to fill it out. Finally, the doctor, Martha Kurmis came in with a gentle smile. She was about my age with shoulder length brown hair and brown eyes.
“Cara, it’s so nice to meet you. What can I help you with today?”
I looked at my brother and took a deep breath. “I was kidnapped six years ago and held for ten days. Since then, I don’t really leave the house unless absolutely necessary. Over the past few years, I’ve tried to venture out more, but my anxiety gets so bad that I get sick or pass out. I’ve been seeing a therapist and he believes I’ve developed a social anxiety disorder.”
She nodded, so I continued. “I can’t live like this anymore. I want to live a normal life.” Tears filled my eyes as I told her about how hard things had been for me. “I want to be able to go to a restaurant without my heart racing or needing to run to the bathroom. I want to be able to sit down with friends and not feel like I’m being judged by everyone around me.” I wiped the tears that streamed down my face and continued. “My therapist is working with me on getting out more and not letting my fears take over, but it’s not enough anymore. I need something to help jumpstart this and my therapist suggested that I try some anxiety medications.”
Dr. Kurmis had tears in her eyes as she listened, but quickly blinked them away. “I think we can help you out with that. There are several daily anxiety medications we can try, but we won’t know what works for you until you try it. Most of these will take a few weeks to build up in your system, so it’s not necessarily something we figure out overnight. However, I can also prescribe a benzodiazepine that you can take for sudden anxiety attacks. They start working within a half hour and can last up to six hours.”
“How do they work?” Sean asked. He gripped my hand reassuringly and I was so thankful that he was here with me. Why had I pushed him away for so long?
“Basically, they numb your senses. It slows down your body, so you won’t feel things as strongly as you once did. Now, this can also affect your memory, so some patients have said that things that take place while they use them are a little fuzzy. I wouldn’t recommend driving while taking these until you know how they’ll affect you because they can also make you sleepy.”
“How will this help me if it’s dulling my senses? Won’t I get attached to the feel of that instead of making progress?”
“Well, the whole point of taking the anxiety meds is so that you can live a normal life. The benzodiazepines will help you out when you’re on the verge of a panic attack. So, let’s say you’re going out to eat. Take one a half hour before you go so that you’re fine in the restaurant. The point is that we want you to get used to the idea of going out and doing things that are normally difficult for you. These aren’t something you would take daily, but in difficult situations. If you took them every day, you would build up a tolerance to them. With therapy in combination with the meds, I think you’ll make more progress. Then, when you feel you’re ready, we’ll slowly wean you off them or lower the dosage.”
I looked at Sean who looked slightly concerned. “I’m not sure I like the idea of her being drugged up all the time. It sounds like we’re trading one evil for another.”
“I understand, but as I said, the benzo’s are for sudden attacks or when she knows she’ll need them. The daily meds won’t affect you as much as the benzo’s. We just have to find the right one for you. It’s all about tricking your brain into functioning the way it’s supposed to.”
I looked back to Sean who still didn’t look convinced. “I think we should try it. If it doesn’t work or it’s not right, I can go off them.”
“It’s up to you. I’ll support whatever you want to do.”
The doctor asked a few more questions and then typed up a couple of prescriptions for me and sent a request over to the pharmacy. She explained how the meds would affect me and how to use them properly. By the time we were finished, I was actually excited to get them and try them out. The dailys would take a while to start working, but I could try out the benzo’s right away and see how they worked for me.
The next day, Sean took me out to lunch to see how the benzo’s would work.
“Are you sure you want to start with going to a restaurant? Don’t you want to just take one and see what happens?”
“And sit around here all day? No. I need to do this. I’m scared to death, but she said it would dull the emotions. I have to believe this will help me.”
I took the pill that she prescribed and we waited another fifteen minutes before leaving.
“Feel anything yet?” Sean asked as we got to the diner.
“It’s funny because it kind of feels like the room is slowly spinning. Not enough to make it unbearable, but it’s definitely different.”
“How’s the anxiety?”
“I don’t feel any. I think I’m okay.”
“Alright. Let’s try this.”
We went into the restaurant and sat down. We ordered food and I actually ate it and carried on a conversation with my brother in public for the first time years. By the time we got home, I was starting to feel really tired. He walked me inside and smiled at me.
“I haven’t seen you that relaxed since..”
“I know. It was awesome. I can’t believe that really worked.”
I yawned and stretched my arms over my head. “I’m really tired now. I think I’m going to take a nap.”
“Okay.” He stepped forward and wrapped me in a big hug, something that also hadn’t happened in a very long time. “I’m glad it worked. I’m going to hang out with you. You can go sleep, but I don’t want to leave until I know that the drugs have worn off.”
“Thanks, Sean.” I went to my room and was asleep within minutes.
✯✯✯✯✯
A few weeks later, I sat in the kitchen of Sarah and Drew’s house and had my usual morning coffee with Sarah. Sarah had been acting a little off since I told her that I was taking meds for my anxiety. I wasn’t sure why, but I had a feeling she wasn’t comfortable with me being around the kids.
“You haven’t talked about Mark in a while. Is that all over now?”
“No, I want to go talk to him at the very least.”
“You mean get on a plane?” Her eyes were as wide as saucers.
“Yes, Sean said he would take me out to see him when I was ready.”
“So, what are you waiting for?”
“Well, I need to make sure that my meds are working right. I can’t risk freaking out on a plane and also, I want Mark to see that I’ve made the effort to get better. I am so grateful that he was helping me, but I don’t want him to think that’s why I came back for him. He needs to see that I’m doing better.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” she looked down at her hands and made several attempts to say something, but never did.
“Sarah, is there something you want to talk to me about?”
“Yes, we need to talk about me staying home.” I nodded, knowing this would be coming. “Drew and I decided that I would be staying home at least until Henry and Charlotte go to preschool, maybe longer.”
“And he doesn’t want to pay a nanny.”
She shook her head.
“I understand, Sarah. You know, I could still come help out a few days a week. You don’t even have to pay me. I just don’t want you to get burnt out.”
“That’s not necessary.”
My brows furrowed in confusion. “I don’t understand. When we last talked about this, you thought watching four kids under four was too much for one person. Now you don’t even want a little help? I mean, I could help out when you need to go to the grocery store or if you just need a break.”
“It’s not that I wouldn’t appreciate the help, but..” She took a deep breath and looked up at me with resolve. “We aren’t comfortable with you watching the kids while you’re taking medications.”
I sat there dumbfounded for a minute, not sure how to respond to that. “I don’t understand. I’ve been here with you for several weeks now while I’m taking medication.”
“And I haven’t left once while you’ve been here. Please understand, Cara. It’s not that we don’t trust you, but these are our kids. What if you had an adverse reaction to the meds and we weren’t here?”
“So, you’re more concerned about me on meds than me freaking out and hiding in a closet with a knife when I’m not on them.”
“Cara, we’ve been talking about this since that incident. We just thought that you would get better, but now that you’re taking meds, we’re just not comfortable with it.”
My heart pounded in my chest as her words sank in. I was trying to get better and I was being punished for that. She reached across the table and grabbed my hand.
“If things change we can always revisit this.”
I stood suddenly, not wanting to be in the house anymore. I couldn’t stay here anymore with people that didn’t support me in this, didn’t trust me with their children. I was willing to run away with them and leave my brother behind if Sarah’s secret was ever revealed. I was going to leave my family behind and this was how I was repaid?
I did my best to keep the tears at bay, but then Drew walked down the stairs and saw the look on my face. He looked at the ground and refused to look me in the eyes. I bit my lip to keep from completely losing it in front of them.
“Please give the kids hugs for me,” I whispered and then walked to the front door as gracefully as possible. As soon as I closed the door, the tears started to fall. I barely made it to my house before it felt like my heart shattered in two. What was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t stay in this house and live right next to those kids and no longer see them.
I moped around the house for the next few days as I tried to figure out some kind of game plan. I watched a lot of TV and sat thinking about how the last six years of my life had been ruled by fear. I wanted so badly to go out and live a normal life, but the fact was that I just wasn’t ready yet. No amount of pills would make me suddenly better, and while I was glad they were helping, I wouldn’t just be healed overnight. Why had I waited so long to get help?
Drew knocked on the door several times in the last few days, but I never answered. He spoke to me a few times through the door, telling me how sorry he was and that they still wanted me to be involved with the kids in some way. Right. Just as long as I wasn’t the one caring for them. By my fourth day at home, I was awoken to pounding at the door. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was after nine in the morning. I was always up by five so this was really sleeping in for me.
As the pounding continued, I got out of bed and threw on a robe just as I heard Sean’s voice. Crap. Drew must have called him. I hurried to the door before he broke it down.
“Christ. Did you just get out of bed?”
I pulled at my ratty hair, trying to make it appear less like a bird’s nest and stepped aside.
“What do you want? I haven’t even had my coffee yet.”
“Drew called me.”
“Yeah?”
“He said that you aren’t working for them anymore and he wanted me to come check on you. Why’d you quit? I thought you liked working for them?”
I spun around and slammed my fist on the counter. “Is that what he told you? That I quit?”
“No, he didn’t say, but I just assumed..”
“They’ve decided that Sarah is going to stay home with the kids now.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, but she’ll still need help, right? It can’t be easy with four kids. One is hard enough for me.”
“They don’t want my help anymore,” I whispered, ashamed that I had to explain this to him.
“Why? Is this because of what happened? Because you’re on medication now. You’re getting better.”
“That’s why they don’t want me there. They don’t want me on medication around the kids. They don’t trust me.”
Sean’s face turned glacial and he stormed toward the door. I ran after him, but he was too fast for me and I didn’t have any shoes on. He took off toward Drew’s house at a fast clip, while I struggled not to let the gravel dig into my bare feet. It was flipping cold outside and my lack of wardrobe and bare feet made this almost unbearable.
“Sean, stop! Please, don’t do this.”
“That fucker!” he shouted as he approached the door.
He slammed his fists against the door until it finally swung open to a pissed off looking Drew, but when he saw Sean standing there and me running up behind him, his face grew wary.
“What the fuck is this bullshit?”
“Sean, keep your voice down. I understand you’re upset, but I have kids in the house.”
Sean gripped him by the collar and pulled him out of the house, slamming him up against the wall. Drew didn’t even fight back. “What the fuck is wrong with you? My sister was willing to give up her life with her family to run and be with you and Sarah. She’s kept your secret that could very well get her killed one day and you decide she’s no longer good enough to take care of your kids because she’s taking medication to make her better? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Sean, it’s not personal. These are our kids we’re talking about. I need to make sure they’re safe.”
“From my sister?”
“Look, man. You saw her in the closet that day. She had a fucking knife in her hands and you don’t think that would creep you the fuck out if you had little kids in the house?” He was trying to keep his voice low, but I still heard every word.
“She’s taking anti-anxiety meds to make her better.”
“But she’s not better yet and I can’t have that around my kids, that uncertainty. Look, I love your sister like my own, but I have to protect my family. She can stay in the house as long as she wants. I won’t charge her rent or anything. I want what’s best for her, but I just can’t give her this.”
He moved his head higher and looked over Sean’s shoulder at me. “I’m sorry, Cara. I wish this wasn’t the way things had to be.”
I didn’t have anything to say to him. I’d already considered everything he said and the fact was that he had legitimate concerns and there was no way that I could convince him that I was getting better. He would just have to see it for himself over time. I was just afraid that the damage was already done. It was strange because I used to think that Sean was the one that didn’t understand me, but it seemed that Sean had taken a hint from Mark because the man that stood in front of me today wasn’t judging me, but standing up for me and protecting me from people who didn’t understand.
“Sean, let’s go.” I pulled on his arm and eventually he backed off, releasing Drew and clenching his fists at his side. Sarah pulled the door open wide as tears streamed down her face.
“Stay the fuck away from my family. All of them. You don’t come near Lillian, Cara, or my daughter. That goes for you too, Sarah.”
Drew furrowed his brows and nodded.
“After everything we’ve all done for the two of you,” he shook his head in disgust. He took my hand in his and pulled me back over to my house. Fury radiated off him as he pulled me inside and slammed the door.
“Pack up what you need. You’re not staying here anymore.”
“Sean, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“You’re staying with me for now. We’ll find you a place of your own whenever you want, but you’re not staying here another minute.”
Would he trust me around his daughter? Would Lillian? Rebecca was just a defenseless baby.
“What about Rebecca?”
“What about her?”
Sean had grabbed my suitcase and was throwing clothes inside.
“Maybe I shouldn’t be around her.”
He stopped and turned to me with a look that could kill. “You are not a danger to my daughter. There has never been a time that has even crossed my mind. Don’t let their idiotic concerns get inside your head.”
“But what he said about the closet..”
“That was a setback, but you never would have hurt anyone. If my child was with you and you feared for her safety, imagined or not, I have no doubt you would protect her with your life,” he said fiercely.
My heart melted at his words. If I didn’t believe it before, there was no doubt in my mind now that my brother loved me and would stick up for me against anyone.
“Thank you, Sean. You have no idea how much that means to me.”
“Don’t worry. He’ll pull his head out of his ass. Just give him some time.”
I started to pack a bag, but the more I thought about moving into someone else’s house, the more it reminded me of the goals I had already set for myself. There was something that I had been meaning to do and now was the perfect opportunity.
“Sean, there’s something I need to talk to you about.” He looked up from his packing and gave me his full attention. “I want to go visit Mark in California.”
“Are you sure you’re ready for that?”
“I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks now, but since I was recently fired, there’s no time like the present.”
“Do you want me to take you?”
I nodded. “I know I’m getting better, but I don’t know that I could make the trip on my own.”
“Okay, let me see when I can get off work and I’ll take you out there. How long do you want to stay?”
“I don’t know. How long does it take to convince someone you were a bitch and completely wrong?”
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this to my baby sister,” he said as he ran a hand over his face and shuddered. “You beg for his forgiveness and tell him all the ways you were wrong. Play up his ego; men love that shit. You have to let him know how much you need him, not in a ‘please help me survive’ kind of way, but ‘I need you because you make me whole’ kind of way. And if all that doesn’t work..Shit.” He rolled his eyes and shook his head.
“If that doesn’t work, what?”
“If that doesn’t work, use sex. But you better make damn sure I’m nowhere near you. I don’t even want to be in the same building.”
I smiled at my big, macho brother getting all squeamish about talking sex. I decided to play it up a little.
“You mean, like, tell him I’ve been sleeping with other men, trying to get him out of my head?”
“No! Good God, woman. Are you trying to push him away? He’s just going to think you’re a slut.”
“Oh, so should I tell him that I’m horny for him?”
Sean covered his ears and closed his eyes. I held back my chuckle, biting my lip so I didn’t smile.
“I don’t want to hear that, but something along those lines. Maybe slightly more..descriptive.”
“So, I should tell him my pussy has been soaked every night as I dream about his cock-”
“Lalalala. Please, Cara. For the sake of our relationship, do not finish that sentence. It’s bad enough you’re asking me for advice. I don’t need to hear about anything sexual you might say to him.”
I laughed out loud as Sean finally removed his hands from his ears.
“If you tell him I gave you advice on how to get him back, I’ll never speak to you again. As far as he’s concerned, we’re still mortal enemies.”
I laughed again and held out my hand. “Agreed.”